Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: This is for love not profit.

Beta by the amazing Ginar369.
Chapter Four



It had been well over a month now since Spike had come over all human. In all that time, he still had no answer as to why it happened. Angel’s prophecy books and scrolls were a wash out and they had the very best minds in the country if not the world examining them. He wasn’t looking to go back to the way things were. He had accepted it as being inescapable and there were some perks of course. Buffy in the sunlight was a sight to behold and his cock stirred as he remembered that delicious day they had spent on the beach with his girl in a skimpy bikini and with attention only for him. He was starting to believe that maybe everything could work out right until he got the next reminder of his inadequacies. No matter what Buffy liked to tell him, he knew he was a distraction she could ill afford on patrol. He had been quite cocky after the first night he had spent patrolling. Buffy had been protective and he was pissed, although he understood it was because she cared. He dusted one vamp and he was sure he was going to able to continue doing that. Instead it had become a lesson in humiliation. Buffy was ever watchful of him, pushing him out the way of danger several times and he found those manoeuvres that had come so easily to him as a superhuman vampire were not suitable for his human body. He might be athletic and muscular, but he was nowhere near as strong or agile. His second patrol ended in him spraining an ankle after being tossed in the air by some demon or other. Buffy came to his rescue and broke its neck. Even that wasn’t enough for him and it wasn’t until his third attempt that he finally realised the futility of the exercise. That was when he broke his arm. It seemed to be healing well, but it was a constant reminder of his new status as a newly human former vampire with a soul. There was an upside of having Buffy doting on him and he still had enough evil left in him to play on her sympathy. He had the sneaking suspicion, she knew he was playing her even though she never said. He really had struck gold when he had gotten Buffy. He wondered for the umpteenth time what she saw in him. She kept him busy doing some urgent translation on demon texts. This was to be his new job with the same pay and benefits. It was as mind numbing and boring as hell though. He was busy trying not to fall asleep when he heard the doorbell. Glad for a distraction he got up and answered the door.

“Hi, Dawn,” he said with a grin. “Good to see you. Buffy isn’t in if you came to see her.”

“I came to see you doofus,” she said. “Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“Thank god,” he said, stepping back to allow her inside. “You’ve come to rescue me from the evil books.”

“Evil books?” She arched a brow.

“Dusty, boring and evil,” he said. “How do you do this all the time? The monotony is driving me mad.”

“Poor Spikey,” she mocked.

“Quit making fun of me,” he said sulking. “If I was still a vamp, the hand would have healed by now and I’d be fighting at Buffy’s side.”

Dawn sighed. “If you were a vamp, you wouldn’t be around. You would have just dusted that night. I love you, but I have to tell you you’re going to turn into Angel, if you’re not careful.”

“Oi, Bit!” Spike outraged at the insinuation. “I’m nothing Like Peaches. Take that back.”

“No, I won’t.” She crossed her arms across her chest.

“You try having your world turned upside down overnight.”

“I did,” she pointed out. “When I found out I wasn’t real.”

“And you acted like a right brat, if I remember correctly.”

“Are you admitting you’re being a brat?”

He narrowed his eyes. “Ha, bloody ha! You’re dancing a thin line, pet.”

“Someone has to say it to you,” she said gently. “We’re all worried about you.”

“I know,” Spike admitted. “I’m trying.”

“If you really want a change from the books I could ask Xander, if you can go work on his construction project. We were talking about it last night actually and well we thought you might prefer more physical work once your arm is healed up of course.”

“No way!” he protested.

Dawn rolled her eyes, “You’re unhappy with the books. What else is there?”

“I’ll think about it,” Spike said.

When Buffy had heard about the offer, she had urged him to do it as he kept complaining about the translation jobs.

“It would be better for you than sitting down all day,” Buffy said. “It would be good at keeping you fit and strong.”

He wondered why Buffy was talking about keeping him fit. Was he getting pauchy? He went to the mirror and pulled up his shirt examining his stomach. He wasn’t as well defined as he used and he might have put on a few pounds, but he hardly could be faulted. His arm was broken for fuck’s sake. Was this Buffy’s way of telling him to keep fit? He sighed and he vowed he would try out working on the construction site with Xander. Surely, it couldn’t be worse than this drivel.

********************





After three more weeks of boredom, Spike began working at the construction site. Xander was his boss, which took some getting used to. In fact he couldn’t get used to it. He didn’t last a week before he had the urge to hit Harris over the head with a shovel. He didn’t hit him, but decided he better resign before he killed one of his girlfriend’s best friends. When he went home that night with a sheepish expression, he told Buffy what he had done. To his surprise she laughed.

“I’m shocked you lasted this long,” she admitted. “We had a book going at work.”

“You’re devious,” he said. “What do I do now?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “We still need a translator. Otherwise, you need to hit the classifieds.”

“I’m not qualified for much,” he said, looking glum.

“Have you read through all the papers Willow gave you?” she asked. “There are resumes in there and everything with references as well.”

“Oh, that’s helpful then.” He cheered at the revelation. “Are you going patrolling tonight?”

“Yep,” Buffy replied.

“Fancy some company?” he asked, prepared for a rebuke.

She froze for a moment before answering. “Yeah, of course. Just don’t do what you did last time.”

He smiled. “Don’t worry. I learned my lesson.”

He really needed to kill something tonight if possible. He just hoped he wouldn’t get in the way.

**********************





It turned out that the patrol went well. In fact it went so well that he figured if he worked on his fighting skills, he could probably help out once in a while. The difference was he wasn’t throwing himself into situations where he was at risk. It also helped that he had been taking some karate lessons from a friend of his cop buddy, Dowling. He picked them up pretty easily and his instructor was delighted with his progress. Spike didn’t tell Buffy about them until after the patrol and he could sense her relief.

“I needed to remember how to fight like a human,” he explained to her. “I was fighting like a vampire, like I had a strength I no longer had. Once in a while, I need the rush and the adrenaline of a good fight. Karate’s pretty good for blowing off steam, but you don’t get to turn them to dust at the end of it.”

Buffy certainly seemed happier knowing he had got some lessons. Even so, Spike couldn’t help but feel she worried about him being there. He tried not to resent her when she shoved him out of the way or knocked him to ground to keep him safe. It sometimes felt like he was a masochist inflicting this on himself. Their relationship was suffering as the tensions and resentments went unaddressed. Spike didn’t go too often, only when the need for violence outweighed his sense of reason.

************************





Spike was having little or no luck finding a job that suited him. He was feeling pretty listless and he decided the time had come to go on another patrol. It wasn’t long before he regretted it as Buffy had a younger slayer named Sarah along with her. The arrogant, little chit spent the whole time with her nose in the air and Spike even heard her make disparaging remarks about him to Buffy.

“Why is he even here?” she asked. “He’s got no supernatural abilities. Sure he can fight and I can see why you’d want to have him in your bed, but he shouldn’t be here.”

“Spike is here because he is a good fighter, and I want him here,” Buffy had replied in a no nonsense tone.

“Sure, placate his ego,” Sarah muttered.

Spike had played the conversation in his head since he arrived back home. He had grabbed a bottle of whisky and had drunk a few glasses finding himself getting more and more sorry for himself for each one. Was he really kidding himself? Was he any use at all? Maybe Buffy would have been better off hooking up with Peaches instead of a human? At least Peaches could help her fight when all he could do was dust a few dumb fledges.

Buffy frowned. “What is wrong with you? Why won’t you talk to me?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he replied.

“I wasn’t born yesterday,” she snapped. “It’s like you’re here but you’re not here. I can’t get through to you. We don’t make love as much, since you became human.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m sorry, Buffy. It’s takes a bit of adjusting to get used to the fact I’m human now. Maybe if you ever went through it you could lecture me.”

She flinched at his harsh words.

“Who are you?” she asked. “It’s like you’re a different person.”

“I am different, Buffy” he barked. “I tire more easily and I’m much more breakable. The days of marathon sex sessions are over, love.”

He knew he was being unreasonable throwing their past into this. Buffy banged her fists hard on the table. Spike just ignored her and took another gulp of whiskey.

“This isn’t about sex, Spike,” she hissed. “Sure, I’m worried about us, but to be frank I’m more freaked over your behaviour than anything else. You’re all Jekyll and Hyde.”

He didn’t respond.

“I’m going to sleep in the spare room,” she announced.

“Buffy, don’t,” he protested.

She ignored him and walked out the door, slamming it behind her. He heard the tap running in the bathroom and he guessed she was crying. He knew the right thing to do would be to go to her, but he didn’t know if it was necessarily the wisest option. Spike couldn’t bring himself to even go to bed that night. He continued to drink the bottle of whisky down and woke up an empty bottle in hand on the couch. He also had a blinding headache and he felt like a number one prat, when he remembered how unkind he had been to Buffy the previous night. She didn’t appear to be up yet, so he decided to make her breakfast to apologise. By breakfast he meant coffee and some toast. Once he had made the coffee, he took a deep sip from his own mug. He walked up the stairs but stopped short at the door when he heard Buffy was on the phone. Not wanting to interrupt, he put the coffee and the plate of toast to the floor. He was about to shove his head around to tell her breakfast was made when he heard his name being mentioned.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do with Spike,” Buffy was saying. “He’s so different, Will. Maybe I should call Angel?”

Spike felt he had his heart ripped open and pulled apart. Buffy wanted Angel. That old insecurity had always been there, but he was so sure she was over the wanker. He walked down the stairs in a daze and left the house needing some air.

*************************
Spike spent an hour wandering the street before he returned home. Shock had given way to anger and he wanted to tell Buffy how he felt. She was sitting in the living room when he arrived back.

She smiled when he entered. “Thanks for breakfast this morning, although you could have warned me. I could have scalded my feet.”

He was disarmed for a moment, before he remembered how angry he was with her and why.

“I overheard your conversation with Willow,” he said.

Her mouth opened to form an o. “What did you hear exactly?” she asked finally.

He glared at her. “I know exactly what you think of me, love. I’m a liability cos you have to worry all about poor defenceless Spike now. ”

Buffy closed her eyes. “No, Spike! You’re being stupid.”

“Why don’t you quit with the charity and go off and find Peaches,” he roared. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy together being bleedin’ miserable. Then, you’ll have a bit of monster in your man once again.”

Buffy slapped him across the face. “You’ve got this so wrong. I wanted to call Angel to see if he can help you.”

She looked furious but exasperated and he could see the truth in her eyes. He felt like a right wanker.

Buffy continued, “Spike, quit the pity party and take a good look around you. I don’t want Angel; I love you. Sometimes, like now I’m not sure why but I do. You better get on top of this or you will lose me.”

Spike felt like kicking himself. He really was a fool.

“I’m sorry, love,” he said. “I said terrible things I didn’t mean because I was hurting. How can I make it up to you?”

“I just want you to talk to me,” she said in a small voice.

He had no idea where to start.

“I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self” Spike began. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t want to be human and I don’t know how to be.”

“You were more human as a vampire than a lot of people.” Buffy’s voice was soft. “You’ve always been resilient and bounced back. You got chipped and you adapted. You got your soul back and despite a little brain melt you were able to deal. I believe in you.”

“You don’t understand, love,” he said. “You never will. This is the first time I’ve not had to fight the monster inside me for control. I didn’t change overnight and the chip or even the soul didn’t stop the bloodlust from time to time. Just like now I may be human, but I don’t feel it. The fight and need to put down some Big Bad isn’t just going to go away.”

“Maybe it hasn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact that your super powers are gone,” she told him.

“What’s left then?” he asked.

”The man I fell in love with,” she answered.

He leaned in to kiss her, but she held her hand against his chest. “You have a lot of making up to do before you can kiss me again.”

**************************





After the long overdue talk, things were going much better between Spike and Buffy. Spike was surprised pleasantly when he got a call from Detective Robert Dowling to meet him for a drink. He always got on well with Dowling and he appreciated the offer of some male company that wasn’t Harris or Andrew. Spike walked into the bar, which was close to the police station. It was a dingier looking place than he would have pictured the detective associating in. Dowling was sitting at the counter nursing a beer and Spike sidled up towards him.

“Hullo Bob!” Spike plopped down on the stool next to him.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that,” Dowling said with a sigh.

Spike sought the attention of the bar man. “I’ll have a Jack Daniels.”

Once Spike had his drink in front of him Dowling spoke again. “I’ve got a preposition for you, Spike.”

“Sorry, don’t swing that way, Detective.”

Dowling rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I’m being serious here. I need your help.”

Spike couldn’t help the bitter retort. “Maybe it’s Buffy you better ask. I’m all out of super strength these days.”

“Buffy has always tried keeping her distance from us except when necessary, especially given her colourful record,” Dowling pointed out.

Dowling had his attention now.

Spike tilted his head questioningly. “Get on with it.”

“Remember a few years ago when you took me out hunting?”

Spike grinned at that. “Good times.”

“You taught me a thing or two, and now I need you to help me teach others.”

Spike nearly fell off the bar stool at that, but righted himself quickly. “Is this some joke?”

“No - I mean think about it, Spike. It makes sense. Who better to teach the SFPD about vampires than a former vampire?”

“You’ve gone sack of hammers. I’m no teacher. That was the Slayer’s gig.”

“From what I heard you were helping out too.”

He scoffed. “Just giving Buffy a hand. I was her show and tell. Besides, I haven’t got the patience to give lessons.”

“We’re not talking about impressionable little girls, Spike. These are cops – the finest SFPD has to offer. There are a lot more vampire related attacks then there has been in a while. We’re expanding the division and they need good training.”

Spike didn’t say anything. He took a slug of his whiskey instead. Dowling wasn’t giving up though. “Look, Spike. You’re my friend and I’m going to be plain here. You are depressed because you feel useless. You don’t have to be. You want to do good and contribute to the fight against good and evil. You can.”

Spike could appreciate the man had guts and he could read people well. He knew he was talking some sense. “Look, Bob, you’re alright for a copper. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never was too fond of the old brass.”

“Suck it up, Bleachboy.” The detective waved a depreciating hand. “The old brass might not like you very much, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not talking about becoming one of us. I’m talking about working for us as a trainer and taking a few classes. There is a substantial payment involved and if you don’t like it you can walk out any time.”

Spike couldn’t believe he was even considering it. “I’ll think about it. I’m not making any promises, mind. Tell me a bit more about what you’re looking for and I’ll sleep on it.”

He put down his glass on the counter and gestured outside. The two men went right out back beside the dumpster. “A bit more private here.”

He fished around in his pockets for his cigarettes and pulled one out offering one to the detective.

“No thanks. Should you really be smoking those cancer sticks now you’re human?”

“Probably not,” Spike conceded. “What Buffy doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

He looked nervously at Dowling. “You won’t tell her will you?”

The detective smiled grimly. “I won’t need to. The smell of a cigarette is kind of distinctive. I’m sure she’ll work it out by herself.”

“You think?” Spike asked and stubbed out the cigarette.

Dowling clapped him on the back. “You’re so whipped, man.”

“It’s a pretty thumb to be under,” Spike joked. “Now tell me more about this job of yours.”

********************


Spike spent an hour wandering the street before he returned home. Shock had given way to anger and he wanted to tell Buffy how he felt. She was sitting in the living room when he arrived back.

She smiled when he entered. “Thanks for breakfast this morning, although you could have warned me. I could have scalded my feet.”

He was disarmed for a moment, before he remembered how angry he was with her and why.

“I overheard your conversation with Willow,” he said.

Her mouth opened to form an o. “What did you hear exactly?” she asked finally.

He glared at her. “I know exactly what you think of me, love. I’m a liability cos you have to worry all about poor defenceless Spike now. ”

Buffy closed her eyes. “No, Spike! You’re being stupid.”

“Why don’t you quit with the charity and go off and find Peaches,” he roared. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy together being bleedin’ miserable. Then, you’ll have a bit of monster in your man once again.”

Buffy slapped him across the face. “You’ve got this so wrong. I wanted to call Angel to see if he can help you.”

She looked furious but exasperated and he could see the truth in her eyes. He felt like a right wanker.

Buffy continued, “Spike, quit the pity party and take a good look around you. I don’t want Angel; I love you. Sometimes, like now I’m not sure why but I do. You better get on top of this or you will lose me.”

Spike felt like kicking himself. He really was a fool.

“I’m sorry, love,” he said. “I said terrible things I didn’t mean because I was hurting. How can I make it up to you?”

“I just want you to talk to me,” she said in a small voice.

He had no idea where to start.

“I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self” Spike began. “I don’t know who I am anymore. I didn’t want to be human and I don’t know how to be.”

“You were more human as a vampire than a lot of people.” Buffy’s voice was soft. “You’ve always been resilient and bounced back. You got chipped and you adapted. You got your soul back and despite a little brain melt you were able to deal. I believe in you.”

“You don’t understand, love,” he said. “You never will. This is the first time I’ve not had to fight the monster inside me for control. I didn’t change overnight and the chip or even the soul didn’t stop the bloodlust from time to time. Just like now I may be human, but I don’t feel it. The fight and need to put down some Big Bad isn’t just going to go away.”

“Maybe it hasn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact that your super powers are gone,” she told him.

“What’s left then?” he asked.

”The man I fell in love with,” she answered.

He leaned in to kiss her, but she held her hand against his chest. “You have a lot of making up to do before you can kiss me again.”

**************************





After the long overdue talk, things were going much better between Spike and Buffy. Spike was surprised pleasantly when he got a call from Detective Robert Dowling to meet him for a drink. He always got on well with Dowling and he appreciated the offer of some male company that wasn’t Harris or Andrew. Spike walked into the bar, which was close to the police station. It was a dingier looking place than he would have pictured the detective associating in. Dowling was sitting at the counter nursing a beer and Spike sidled up towards him.

“Hullo Bob!” Spike plopped down on the stool next to him.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that,” Dowling said with a sigh.

Spike sought the attention of the bar man. “I’ll have a Jack Daniels.”

Once Spike had his drink in front of him Dowling spoke again. “I’ve got a preposition for you, Spike.”

“Sorry, don’t swing that way, Detective.”

Dowling rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I’m being serious here. I need your help.”

Spike couldn’t help the bitter retort. “Maybe it’s Buffy you better ask. I’m all out of super strength these days.”

“Buffy has always tried keeping her distance from us except when necessary, especially given her colourful record,” Dowling pointed out.

Dowling had his attention now.

Spike tilted his head questioningly. “Get on with it.”

“Remember a few years ago when you took me out hunting?”

Spike grinned at that. “Good times.”

“You taught me a thing or two, and now I need you to help me teach others.”

Spike nearly fell off the bar stool at that, but righted himself quickly. “Is this some joke?”

“No - I mean think about it, Spike. It makes sense. Who better to teach the SFPD about vampires than a former vampire?”

“You’ve gone sack of hammers. I’m no teacher. That was the Slayer’s gig.”

“From what I heard you were helping out too.”

He scoffed. “Just giving Buffy a hand. I was her show and tell. Besides, I haven’t got the patience to give lessons.”

“We’re not talking about impressionable little girls, Spike. These are cops – the finest SFPD has to offer. There are a lot more vampire related attacks then there has been in a while. We’re expanding the division and they need good training.”

Spike didn’t say anything. He took a slug of his whiskey instead. Dowling wasn’t giving up though. “Look, Spike. You’re my friend and I’m going to be plain here. You are depressed because you feel useless. You don’t have to be. You want to do good and contribute to the fight against good and evil. You can.”

Spike could appreciate the man had guts and he could read people well. He knew he was talking some sense. “Look, Bob, you’re alright for a copper. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve never was too fond of the old brass.”

“Suck it up, Bleachboy.” The detective waved a depreciating hand. “The old brass might not like you very much, but it doesn’t matter. I’m not talking about becoming one of us. I’m talking about working for us as a trainer and taking a few classes. There is a substantial payment involved and if you don’t like it you can walk out any time.”

Spike couldn’t believe he was even considering it. “I’ll think about it. I’m not making any promises, mind. Tell me a bit more about what you’re looking for and I’ll sleep on it.”

He put down his glass on the counter and gestured outside. The two men went right out back beside the dumpster. “A bit more private here.”

He fished around in his pockets for his cigarettes and pulled one out offering one to the detective.

“No thanks. Should you really be smoking those cancer sticks now you’re human?”

“Probably not,” Spike conceded. “What Buffy doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”

He looked nervously at Dowling. “You won’t tell her will you?”

The detective smiled grimly. “I won’t need to. The smell of a cigarette is kind of distinctive. I’m sure she’ll work it out by herself.”

“You think?” Spike asked and stubbed out the cigarette.

Dowling clapped him on the back. “You’re so whipped, man.”

“It’s a pretty thumb to be under,” Spike joked. “Now tell me more about this job of yours.”

********************




When Spike went home, Buffy was curled up in bed asleep and he tried not to wake her as he went in beside her. She stirred and opened her eyes.

“Oh you’re home,” she said.

“So I am. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Spike’s mind was reeling with the offer Dowling had made and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was it pity or did he really think that he could be of some use to a bunch of coppers? Spike figured he should talk it out with Buffy and see what she thought.

“I met Bob tonight in the pub,” Spike said. “He made me an interesting offer.”

“Oh no!” Buffy’s eyes were twinkling. “You’re going to dump me and run off with him.”

“Maybe I am and it would serve you right,” he jested. He made a quick move to tickle her under her arm causing her to erupt into giggles.

“Stop,” she protested.

“Did you learn your lesson?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said amid giggles.

He ceased his tickling.

“What was his offer?” she asked.

“He wants me to help out with teaching the coppers at the precinct. He seems to think I can teach them a thing or two.”

Buffy broke into a huge grin. “That’s a great idea. It will be a good way of keeping fit and you still get to be involved in the good fight..”

Her eyes glazed right over.

“Buffy, love, what’s wrong?”

“Do you think you’ll get to wear a uniform?” she asked.

Spike laughed, “No. I’m not gonna be a copper, love.”

“Couldn’t you, you know, borrow one?”
He arched a brow and chuckled. “My girl’s got a yen for a uniform.”

Buffy smiled coyly. “Every girl’s got a yen for a uniform, Spike.”

“Is that so?” Spike queried. “It happens that men like that sort of thing too.”

*************************





The following morning, Spike gave Dowling a call and agreed to the job on a trial basis. He had not been offered anything better after all and it would be churlish to refuse the man’s offer. Later that day, Spike felt a little nervous walking into the police station and he wondered for the umpteenth time whether he had gone bonkers agreeing to something as insane as this. He met Dowling at the front desk. There is a training class on at the moment if you would like to check it out and introduce yourself.

“I take it we won’t be telling them I used to be a blooding sucking fiend,” Spike said.

Dowling nodded. “For now at least.”

They walked down the corridor and into a gymnasium, where there was a bunch of young men and women being instructed by some old fogey in a tracksuit.

“Hi everyone,” Dowling called out. “Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to introduce you to William Pratt, who’s going to be helping out with training. William is somewhat of an expert in vampires.”

Spike could see the looks being exchanged by the cadets, and he didn’t have to be a mind reader to know that the old fogey was looking at him suspiciously. Spike knew the type of people he was dealing with and he would have to earn their respect. He wasn’t sure if Dowling would mind but he was going to start right now.

“Anyone care to take me on?” Spike challenged. “I’ll show you how a vampire fights.”

A big burly man put his hand up. “I’ll take you on.”

“Alright then,” Spike said. “Come right up.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Dowling whispered in his ear. “Don’t make a fool out of me.”

The cadet walked over smirking. He thought he was going to find it easy to beat him.

“You know how a vampire can be killed, right?” Spike asked.

“Stake to the heart, decapitation or fire or sunlight.”

“Attack me. I’m a vampire. Show me you can kill me.”

The cadet went for his chest, but Spike spun around taking the cadet to the floor and leaned in towards the neck.

“Pity,” he said. “You’re dead. The most important thing you’ve got to know when fighting a vampire is that the vampire doesn’t need a weapon. He already has his. Make sure you always have yours.”

Looking around at all the faces, he felt like he was still able to achieve something.



To be continued...






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