When she opened her eyes again, she felt disoriented. The room was dark when she had expected it to be sunny. She let her eyes adjust to the darkness and looked around to the brick walls, realizing she was in the basement. Remembering what had happened during the night, Buffy quickly sat up on the cot. She looked at Spike and found him asleep. The small growling noises he was making put a smile on her face. “Like a little puppy,” she whispered. She allowed her hand to find its way to his cheek, gently caressing him so that his growling stopped.
“Mm, Slayer,” he mumbled. “My sunshine.”
She smiled again at his ramblings and leaned over to kiss his cheek then got up off the cot slowly and began to tiptoe her way upstairs. Spike sat up and stretched his arms.
“Where are you off to Slayer? Regretting last night?”
“Spike,” she said, stopping in her tracks. “I need to think. There’s so much going on in here,” she pointed to her head, “and in here,” she added, pointing to her heart. Without realizing it, she had moved closer to him.
“Buffy,” he took her hand in his, “don’t go back, please. Don’t put everything back inside you. Trust me. Remember that you can be yourself with me, and I won’t judge you.”
She nodded to show him she understood, but her feelings were so jumbled up inside her that she couldn’t speak.
“Last night you said that I was yours. Did you mean that?”
“I don’t know. I’m all mixed up, Spike. Please just give me some time. Let me understand what’s going on.”
He nodded. “Go.” She turned around and started up the stairs. “I love you, Buffy,” he called out. “Always have, always will. Nothing will change that.”
She turned to look at him. “Thanks.” She continued up the stairs.
“Thanks?” he asked. “Pour out my sodding heart, and all I get is a bloody thanks!” He lay back on the cot looking up at the ceiling. “What are you doing to me Slayer? You’re ripping me apart, and I don’t even know what I am anymore. Man or monster? Which do you prefer, love? Who am I kidding? She doesn’t want either.”
**********************************************************
Buffy sat and thought about how he loved her. No matter what, he loved her unconditionally. No questions asked, he loved her, and he knew her. He knew her inside and out. He didn’t expect her to be strong, in fact, he wanted less strength and more her, wanted more of the girl, not the Slayer. He loved her, and here she sat, incapable of love.
She hadn’t been able to love since Angel. She’d tried. She had tried to love Riley, but she hadn’t been able to. She cared, but that’s as far as it went. Once the other person started expecting her to let her guard down and let them into her heart, that’s when it stopped for her.
She thought that it was the slayer in her. The part deep inside of her that knew the Slayer was meant to be alone. No ties, no friends, just slayer versus demon. Now she was beginning to think that it was her— Buffy. After having had her heart torn out by Angel, she wasn’t willing to let her guard down. She also didn’t want to seem weak or vulnerable, these were things a slayer should never be. Her duty was to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, being vulnerable or being weakened by love would make her falter in her calling.
What about the fact that Spike is a vampire, a soulless one at that. A slayer’s mortal enemy, she wasn’t a Vampire Slayer because she loved them. What could he offer her without a soul or heart? She was wrong. She knew damn well that Spike had a heart, a really big one. How many times had he laid it out on the ground for her? How many times had the vampire opened himself up completely only to have her stomp all over him? Oh my God, she was a horrible person! Sure, he didn’t have a soul, but did that mean he had no feelings? Of course he had feelings, and she had sat and watched as they had changed. She had witnessed how he had gone from evil to kind and sensitive, understanding and loving only to prove his love to her. What had she done in return? Kicked him while he was down, that’s what. To make things worse, she had spent the night with him. She had given hope when she was not sure there was any. She was damaged goods. She did not deserve his love.
Coming out of her reverie, Buffy took in her surroundings. She hadn’t even made it to her room. She sat on the kitchen floor leaning against the basement door, knees pulled up against her chest with her arms wrapped around them. She leaned her head back against the door in frustration. Oh Buffy, what are you going to do? You can kick demon ass no questions asked, but when it comes to the heart, you’re a mess! The feeling of Spike pushing on the door interrupted her thoughts.
“Bloody hell!” She heard from the other side of the door along with some other choice words.
“Spike, calm down I’m moving.” She slowly picked herself up off the floor making sure she remained against the door so that he wouldn’t be able to come out.
When she finally moved out of the way, Spike came hurdling through the door with such force that he almost ran into the kitchen island. Buffy stared at him, trying to hold in her amusement as he straightened himself out and turned around to glare at her.
“Figures, sodding Slayer would be in my way.” His face was serious as he looked at her, jaw clenched, cheekbones accentuated. He looked so sexy in his anger that she just wanted to forget her resolve and throw herself on him.
He seemed to sense the way her heart beat hard against her chest and how her blood rushed to her cheeks with such force it made her blush violently. A wicked smile crossed his face making her want him even more. She swallowed hard and pushed her feelings down deep inside, pulling up anger in their stead.
“You should watch your temper, Spike. It could get you hurt.” She signaled at the island to emphasize her meaning.
Spike was a vision of evil, standing a few feet in front of her. His hands were clenched into fists as he struggled with his inner demon, fighting hard, so it wouldn’t make an appearance. She watched as he took the couple of steps he needed to be directly in front of her. She found him hard to resist in his black leather duster, fitted jeans, and red button down shirt. She found herself staring at the tight black t-shirt he wore under the red shirt. She pictured his tight hard abs lying under the shirt, and this made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. She was so consumed with desire; she did not notice that the black t-shirt almost touched her nose. She slowly lifted her head only to meet with his eyes looking down at her. He let out a deep growl, and she felt the vibrations emit from his chest into his throat. Buffy’s entire body shivered as small jolts of electricity jumped from between her thighs up to her heart.
“Spike,” she whispered taking a deep breath and closing her eyes in order to regain her composure. “I don’t have time for this crap.” She finally managed in her usual annoyed tone. “I have to go.” She spun around and practically ran away from him making her way into the living room and up the stairs to her bedroom.
“Fine, Slayer! Why don’t you do what you do best? Run away!” Once he heard her door slam he allowed himself to smile. She felt it too, the connection that ran between them. He sensed it in her body, saw it in her eyes and last night, he saw her love for him as well. Now all she had to do was admit her feelings to herself. His face turned serious again as he wondered just how long it would take for his slayer to allow herself to feel.
*******************************************************
Buffy slammed the door to her room and threw herself on the bed face down. “Argh!” she yelled into the pillow as she kicked her legs on the bed. That had gone incredibly wrong. He was not supposed to have turned her on. What was this? These feelings had come out of nowhere. Spike had always disgusted her, made her sick to her stomach. What had changed? Another shiver ran through her body when she closed her eyes and remembered him walking toward her like the predator he was. “Argh!”
Buffy turned on the bed and looked up at the ceiling taking a deep breath to calm her hormones. “Ok, don’t be childish, Buffy. Get up, go downstairs, and pretend this never happened.” She grabbed her pillow one last time, held it to her face and screamed into it as her legs kicked to bed. Once her tantrum was done, she threw the pillow on the floor and got up off the bed. She was halfway down the stairs, on her way to the kitchen when the doorbell rang. “What now?” she asked herself as she quickened her pace. “Coming.” Buffy swung the door open. What she saw on the other side of it made her jaw drop.
“Are you going to stare all day or invite me in?” he asked.
He stood outside the door, huddled under his coat which he held over his head, his fingers emitting smoke.
“Angel,” she gasped.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's another chapter for you. I hope you enjoy. Review if you do! Thank-you Sanityfair for your awesome beta work!