Chapter 6
He found her lying on the bed, still wearing her hospital gown. She was looking out the window deep in thought. Seeing her in those pigtails, looking so young and frail, he had to fight the urge to hold her in his arms again. She sensed him right away and turned to look at him. A smile spread across her face.
“Angel, hi!” She extended her arms to hug him, and right away he knew she’d been given pain killers.
He walked over to her and gave her a half hug, hearing her let out an ‘mmm’ in his ear. This caused him to push away as fast as possible. She wasn’t his and he couldn’t take advantage of her in this state. “How are you?”
“Good. I think I’ve been drugged, you know, for the pain. Oh and I really miss my Spikey-poo. Wish he were here. You can’t say anything about this to him ‘kay? Promise.”
He took her hand in his. “I promise.”
She smiled and let out a big sigh, resting her head back down on her pillow. “It’s funny, you know.”
“What is?”
“This. I mean me, getting a tumor just when I started wanting to live.” She laughed, hard and a bit maniacally.
“I mean, if this had happened a year ago I would have welcomed it. I would have welcomed it because I was ready
to die.” She looked at him and he saw the tears she was struggling to hold back.
He held her hand tighter. “Buffy, we don’t know anything yet.”
She smiled at him and patted his hand. “I know.”
He hated that smile. Her brave little soldier smile. She’d worn it the whole time he’d known her, in fact, he’d been the only one to have seen her real smile. He was sure Spike was the only one who saw it now. “Don’t do that. Don’t give me the slayer smile. I’m not Giles or one of your friends. It’s me, Angel, and I deserve better than that.”
Her chin started to quiver. “It’s not fair.” She whispered the words, as if it were a crime for the Slayer to say that out loud.
“I know. But remember, we don’t know anything yet.”
“Angel, maybe this is payback. You know, for not having been thankful.”
He shook his head at her, feeling his body weighed down by sadness.
“You don’t know. When I came back, when Willow brought me back, I’d have given anything to die again.”
He felt a lump in his throat as he swallowed down his tears. She wanted to tell him what she’d gone through. This time he’d force himself to listen. She needed him to know, so for her sake he’d listen.
“I went back to the tower that night. I tried to jump, to go back –but Dawn didn’t let me.”
“Buffy-“He didn’t want to hear this. He didn’t want to watch her relive the pain; he especially didn’t want to hear about how Spike saved her life.
“Please, Angel.”
The first time she tried to tell him he roared out at her in anger. She had gone back to find him in L.A., to make amends after the way they’d parted the last time they’d seen each other. He left her again, walked away. She had tried to explain how she felt to him but he wouldn’t listen. He hadn’t wanted to hear about how Spike had taken advantage of her and bedded her for his own selfish reasons. He yelled at her for letting her guard down and told her he never wanted to see her again. Until now; until he heard about her relationship with Spike. He’d come to see for himself and in seeing her again all of his old feelings had returned. Now he sat helpless in her hospital room, unable to help her. He was powerless to cure her and witnessing the strength of her feelings for Spike.
“Angel? Where’d you go?”
He gave her a small smile and said, “Nowhere. Go on.”
A look of determination appeared on her face. “Angel, I just started enjoying being alive. This can’t happen.”
If he looked hard enough, deep enough, he could still see the scared little girl from a moment ago.
“I love him. I didn’t think I did at first. I was scared that I was using him because he was the only one who made me feel.”
Angel tried not to frown as he thought about how Spike had made Buffy feel and the methods he’d used to do so.
“And then there was the thing, before I died.” she went on. He winced at the mere thought of what he knew she meant by “the thing”, Spike’s attempt to rape her.
“But that’s what made him go and get his soul, Angel. He realized what he had done. He wanted to be the man I needed him to be, the man I needed him to be, and so he went to find his soul- for me. I found him you know, alone in the basement, prisoner to the memories of the horrible things he did.”
It amazed Angel how she managed to look so sad for a monster like Spike, but had so much difficulty expressing sadness for herself.
“He came back, though,” she said this with a smile. “He came back to me and he stood by me when no one else would. He made me believe in myself and I love him.”
She had a dreamy look in her eyes and he knew she was lost to him. There was no way to compete against Spike for her love, he had to let her go.
She turned serious and her chin began to quiver and he had to hold back from wanting to embrace her and shower her with comforting kisses. “I don’t know what to do,” she told him.
“Dawn, poor Dawn, she can’t lose anyone else. She lost too many people already. She’s angry and detached. I caught her stealing from The Magic Box! We just started reconnecting.” She lost control. Her entire body began to shake as the tears streamed down her face. She struggled for air as her emotions didn’t allow her to breathe.
Angel couldn’t stand to see her in so much pain. He wrapped her in his arms and allowed her to clutch him tightly as if she were drowning and he was her only hope of surviving. She placed her head on his shoulder and he gently ran his hand up and down her back as she shook in his arms. He closed his eyes and took in her scent. This was what he had wanted all along. From the moment he laid eyes on her, he had wanted to feel her in his arms. His entire body hummed with happiness as she allowed him to envelop her.
She finally stopped shaking but continued to hold on to him. Occasionally he would feel her take in a small gasp of air and then she’d calm down again. After what seemed like a long time, he pulled away and looked into her eyes.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. Feeling a little more daring, he came closer to her face, his lips almost touching hers, his forehead against hers. “Buffy…”
Her response was to lean her mouth onto his and place her hands on the back of his head to make sure he wouldn’t pull away. He had no intention of doing that, this was what he had wanted all along. He let his hands run through her hair feeling it’s silkiness through his fingers. She allowed his tongue inside her mouth and his eyes closed as he made sure to enjoy every moment of having her back in his arms. After some time she pulled away and rested her chin on his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him.
“Angel,” she sighed.
“Mm?”
This was perfection. It was back to the way it had once been between them. Unfortunately the door swung open. Buffy opened her eyes wide but didn’t move away.
“Spike,” she breathed out.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I’ve changed the order of some of the things that happened between Spike and Buffy in this chapter. They do not happen according to cannon. I hope you still like it. Read and Review please .