Wesley and Eleanor were attempting to train, but it was really just a miserable mess.  The injections that Wesley had been giving her had completely tapped her out. She was cold but sweating and shivering.

Finally, she said, “I’m sorry Wes, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“That’s quite all right, I think that’s enough for the day. Maybe you’ve come down with some sort of flu?”

“Terrible birthday gift,” she responded, “it’s tomorrow.”

“I didn’t realize,” Wesley said, although she knew he was lying.

“Yeah,” she said and plopped down onto the training room floor, “I know it’s silly, but, since we’re finished away, do you think I could walk to the bakery down the street and buy myself a cupcake? It’s stupid, but… well… I’m just…” She started to cry. Stupid tears. She was just so tired, and felt so horrible. It wasn’t even really her birthday, but she felt neglected and overall just yucky. At least this time she knew what was happening and was prepared for it.

Wesley came around and sat beside her, rubbing her back, “I could go and fetch something for you.”

“No, I want to get out, maybe a small walk will make me feel better,” she said, wiping her eyes.

“Of course, I suppose that’s all right then. You know where you’re going? You’ve always had me with you before.”

“I’ll be fine.”

*

Emotional train wreck girl, made her way down the street. It was cold and raining out, which totally matched her dreary mood.  Yes, she was going to buy herself a cupcake, but this was also the first time she didn’t have a chaperone outside of headquarters, and she had a phone call that she had been wanting to make for weeks. She had been able to slip her letter in a mailbox without much trouble, but a phone call wasn’t that easy.

She had always been conscious to scope things out when she and Wesley made their way to and from graveyards and there was a phone box near the bakery.

Dropping money into the machine, she dialed the numbers she knew by heart, she panicked for a moment, remembering the huge time difference, if it was 10 AM here… what time was it in Sunnydale? 2AM?

“What?” asked a voice.

“Willy! My favorite snitch, I need some information.”

“Who is this?”

“You know who it is,” she said in a threatening voice, “Spike still in town?”

“What? Wait? Uh, yeah, I think. I mean, six months ago he was in here all the time getting drunk and killing my other customers. He hasn’t been in much recently, good riddance. He was causing too much trouble, and everyone knew he was making a fuss over the slayer.”

“What about the slayer?”

“Who knows, Spike is still hanging around with her and her friends… say, who did you say this was?”

She slammed the phone back down onto the receiver. Buffy was alive? Wow. She had been so sure she was really Buffy, or well, Buffy’s soul in poor Eleanor.

The slayer shook her head, it just wasn’t possible. She had Buffy’s memories… Buffy died. She was dead. Maybe Willy had meant another slayer? Faith maybe? But the last she had heard Faith was in prison. And if Buffy was still alive, why wouldn’t Giles be with her?

*

Cupcake in hand, she made her way back to headquarters. Eleanor’s favorite flavor had been carrot cake, and Buffy had been a lover of all things chocolate, but in the end she had settled on a vanilla cupcake with caramel icing. She was looking forward to eating it later, but she had something else she had to take care of first.

Mrs. Whitt was at the front desk when she walked in and was happy enough to let her know where Giles’ office was located. She made her way up to the 4th floor and down the hall passing by the offices of other tweed wearing Watchers who raised their heads and watched her as she passed.

The slayer stood, for a moment, outside of her destination, before she gathered her strength to knock. From the other side she heard a muffled, “Come in.”

“Oh- uh- hello,” Giles stood clumsily and quickly deposited what he had been reading in his desk drawer. With a cough he extended his hand, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“Slayer,” she said pointing to herself, “Watcher” she said and pointed to him, but she took his hand and shook it.

“A rather succinct way to put it. What can I do for you, Miss Adams?”

She looked Giles over, he seemed much older than she remembered. Where had those lines around his face come from? Was his hair always that gray? Instead of asking she said, “I need to talk to someone I can trust.”

“Oh? And you came to me? Is there a problem with your Watcher?” Giles asked.

She frowned and said nothing. This was supposed to be easy, but now… was this a good idea?

“I’m sorry… I’ll just.. I’m sorry for wasting your time,” she began to move to the door.

“Come in, Eleanor. Perhaps we ought to start out easy then. How is training with Wesley going?”

“Oh, he’s much better this time!” Shit. So much for taking it easy.

“This time?” Giles asked, startled.

“Shit. I…” she sat and hunched over in the chair, hiding her face, “I don’t know who I am but I have all of Buffy’s and all of Eleanor’s memories.”

She heard Giles sit down in his own chair, the leather squeaking as he did so. Long moments passed before she heard the clink of glass and the sound of something being poured.

She risked looking up at the man who had been her… Buffy’s father figure.

Giles was staring at her, his eyes wet with unshed tears, “I believe you should start at the beginning.”

So she did: she told him about waking up and being sure she wasn’t Eleanor, but also being unsure she was Buffy. Memories meant nothing.

“We could play 20 questions, and I’d get all the answers right, because I have all of Buffy’s memories. I remember the first time we met in the library, the ascension, the Initiative…  I also remember Eleanor’s mom and her friends, ballet lessons… but I don’t feel like Eleanor or Buffy, but the only thing that even seems to… spark inside of me, besides the slaying, is worrying about Dawn. I just feel so disconnected. And… is Buffy still alive?”

Giles looked confused, “Why would you ask that?”

“I… I called Willy in Sunnydale, and he said there was still a slayer in town.”

“Ah,” Giles said with a nod, “the Buffy Bot.”

The slayer felt absurdly relieved to hear that, and then she felt ashamed. She wasn’t happy it wasn’t Buffy in Sunnydale, but there was still a large part of her that felt like that’s who she was… and if Buffy had been still alive, then it couldn’t be true.

“Oh… well… I still don’t know who I am. Am I Buffy or do I just have her memories? Is her soul in me? If I have Buffy’s soul, where is Eleanor’s? Is it still here? Have I possessed her? It only feels like there is one of us. Maybe I’m neither girl, maybe I’m some new soul and the Powers just gave me the cliff notes of their lives...How do I figure out who I am?”

Giles drained his drink, poured himself another and drained it as well.

“I know of a ritual that will reveal if you’re possessed, but it can be dangerous, and I don’t recommend it… but finding out if you’re Buffy or someone else is going to be a great deal harder. I think you ought to tell Wesley what you told me. He already knows something is going on-”

“What? How?” she asked, startled.

“You’re far too mature, too strong. He thinks you are a reincarnated slayer and came to me with his concerns.”

She smiled, “You know, I said he was a better Watcher this time. I’m actually pretty proud of him for figuring it out.”

“Wesley is a very intelligent man,” he chastised.

“I know,” she said, a little embarrassed, “I wasn’t trying to hide anything, the last four months have just been very confusing to me.”

“I understand, and I think Wesley will too.”

“Can I just tell him I’m a former slayer then? I don’t have to tell him I might be Buffy do I? At least, until I figure it out?”

“I would tell him as much of the truth as you feel comfortable with, but this isn’t the sort of thing you want to keep secret for too long, from anyone...Except maybe Travers.”

“Thanks, Giles,” she said and stood.

“For what it’s worth, I would not be surprised to find you are indeed Buffy. Your fighting manner is very similar, you even look somewhat like her,” he took off his glasses and polished the lens, “I’m sorry I wasn’t… that I didn’t do a better job of protecting you.”

She tilted her head and smiled, “You were the best watcher I could have ever asked for.”

He smiled and placed the glasses back onto his face, “Thank you for that.”

She turned to leave and remembered, “You know that time Faith possessed me? Tara reads auras and she knew it wasn’t me. Do you think she might be able to tell if I’m… at least possessing Eleanor?”

“I think that is an excellent idea. Speaking of- you do realize tomorrow is your- Eleanor’s birthday, yes?”

She reached into her purse and removed a can of hairspray and a lighter, “Instant torch. Plus I’ve been carrying around stakes and holy water for the last few days too.”

“I always knew you were a smart girl.”

*

Buffy was in a graveyard and there were demons all around her. The odds didn’t look good, but it didn’t matter, this is what she did. She twirled one of her stakes, “So who’s first?”

“Not starting without me, are you luv?”

She smiled at her companion. He looked relaxed in his leather duster with his hands shoved into the pockets, but she could tell his body was primed for a fight, “Of course not, Spike. You ready?”

He lifted an eyebrow suggestively and smirked, “Always ready for you.”

Buffy winked, then they moved forward, working in tandem. They fit together, he on her left, she on his right. He went high, she went low. They danced with the ease of practice; they had done this before. He was her partner, he had her back, and she had his. This was what it was meant to be like.

The unending swarm of demons was suddenly gone, had they killed them all? Spike was there smiling, his tongue curled behind his teeth in a way she found highly arousing, but she would never tell him that. He knew anyway. Spike was on her in an instant, “Rough and tumble get you all wet and ready, luv?”

“Yes,” she hissed as he kissed her neck.

“I’m always ready for you,” she said, echoing his earlier statement.

A hand slid into the waistband of her pants, his fingers skimming the skin just above her panties. He was teasing her and she wanted him so badly, she needed him… instead, he pulled away.

“Soon, luv, soon. You’ve got another battle to fight first. I can’t be there, but I’m waiting.”

“What?” she asked.

Spike smiled at her and stepped away. The ground was shaking then, she stumbled and tried to hold onto something, anything and…someone was shaking her…

And waking her up from a very good dream with Spike… Whoa, awake now! What was that? Way different dream than she was used to having.

Her eyes shot open and Wesley was beside her bed, looking like he was about to puke on her, it completely killed the previous train of thought and brought her to the present.

“Back up, Uncle Wes, what’s wrong?”

He sat on the side of her bed and she noticed his hands were shaking, “Eleanor… I’ve… There are things I’ve had to do in the name of duty, even though I knew they were wrong. I don’t want anything to happen to you, I’m not your uncle, but if I had a niece, if I had had a daughter... I would want her to be like you.”

“Thanks, but couldn’t this have waited until,” she looked at her clock, it was 3 AM, “a more reasonable time of morning?”

“I have to tell you now because in the morning I have to-”

She put a hand over Wesley’s mouth, “Stop. I got this. Go back to bed.”

He frowned, “I don’t think you understand.”

“Wesley,” she said authoritatively, “if you say anything more you’re going to get yourself in trouble. You are my Watcher and I want to keep you as my Watcher. Go to bed. I will see you in the morning.”  

He stood, and walked out of her room as if possessed. He did not look back.

*

Her Cruciamentum was ridiculously easy. Wesley came by her room in the morning saying they had been asked to check out a warehouse. The car ride there with him was uncomfortably silent. Wesley wouldn’t meet her eyes, wouldn’t even look at her.

When they arrived at the location she went in alone and he locked the door behind her. The vampire they had locked in with her was barely older than a fledgling. Her hairspray torch made short work of him; she was almost disappointed. She was also sure, more than ever, that Travers had meant for Buffy to die during her cruciamentum.

Back in the car, Wesley looked both relieved and angry at how quickly she had finished her task, but said nothing.

They drove back towards the city, but he made a sudden turn into a parking lot and quickly bolted out of the car. She sat there for a moment, in shock, before chasing out after him.

Wesley was pacing back and forth at the back of the lot, hands clenched into fists, and she was almost afraid to approach him.

“How?” he snarled when she got close.

She wrung her hands together, “I was a slayer and I died, and I woke up in the hospital with you at my side. I knew about the test, because I went through it before. I was a slayer, and I died saving the world, but that wasn’t good enough, so they brought me back to do it again! That’s how!” She turned away from him, trying not to cry. She didn’t want Wesley mad at her, but what was she supposed to have done? And she was going to tell him, once the Cruciamentum was over.

Wesley tipped her head up, forcing her to look at him, “I’m sorry I yelled, the last week has  been incredibly taxing for me. I didn’t like drugging you, even though it was my duty as a Watcher.”

She nodded and wiped her tears away.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? About being a former slayer?” he asked, hurt lacing his voice.

“I was going to, I swear, I just… everything in my head is all jumbled up and I’m not even sure who I am. I don’t know who I am! I have no sense of identity beside being the slayer. I was a slayer, then I died, and now I’m a slayer again! I’m just so confused…”

Wesley wrapped his arms around her in a hug, “We’ll figure it out together niece.”

“I trust you.”

“I don’t want to lose you. As Watchers we aren’t supposed to become emotionally involved with our charges, but I don’t believe that’s possible. I see you like a daughter, and while I know that slaying is your destiny, I still want to protect you. I’ve… lost people, and I know…”

“I know you lost your girlfriend-”

“Sarah,” Wesley said, “Her name was Sarah. I got her killed, and I don’t want that to happen to you.”

Eleanor tighten her grasp, “I’m sure whatever it was that happened wasn’t your fault.”

“I was tracking a demon, and then he turned the tables and followed me home. She was pregnant…”

“It wasn’t your fault. You’re a good man, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce. I trust you with my life.”  

*

The remainder of the drive back to headquarters was much easier. In spite of their somber conversation, Wesley was smiling, and she saw him looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

“I knew it, about you being a reincarnated slayer? I knew it! And your test! Your torch idea was ingenious.”

She smiled but hid it behind her hair,  it wouldn’t do for him to see how pleased she was.

“You won’t tell, will you?” she asked then, in a serious tone.

“I uh… well, I may have mentioned my concerns to someone already.”

“Just Giles, right? Not Travers?”

Wesley shot her a surprised look, “No, I haven’t and won’t tell Travers. How did you know that I spoke to Giles?”

“I talked to Giles yesterday… Don’t be mad at me for going to him first, I wanted to run an idea past him. He knows a girl in Sunnydale who can see auras and I want her to help me figure out what’s going on. I don’t know who I am. I have memories of Eleanor and another life. I don’t feel like Eleanor anymore. I think she died in the crash and the Powers put me in her shell.”

He took her hand, “I’m not mad, but I do wish you had come to me first. I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you, you’ve been a wonderful Watcher,” she said, “And I know you’ll help me figure things out… which is why we need to go to Sunnydale.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’ll be cleared for field work since you’ve passed your test, but… I don’t know that Travers would okay us going there.”

“Tell him we’re going to Sunnydale to clean up the mess Buffy left, he’ll agree to that.” Sunnydale also meant seeing everyone. She missed them all. Dawn, Buffy’s friends, even Spike… and apparently her subconscious missed him too.

Wesley frowned, “Why would you suggest that?”

“He hated m- my former slayer sister. If you imply Buffy was less than adequate, he’ll eat it up.”

*

Later that evening Wesley relayed to Giles his conversations with Eleanor and Travers. The head of the Council did seem especially gleeful at the idea of his new slayer going to Sunnydale to clean up Buffy’s mess there. Apparently there had been reports coming in that the Hellmouth there was more active than usual.

Now that Eleanor had passed her test, Sunnydale seemed like the perfect place to test her mettle. Even so, Wesley still felt like going to Sunnydale was going to be akin to walking into a hornets’ nest, which is why Giles was making a phone call to the Summers’ residence.

It was Willow’s chirpy voice that answered.

“Willow, it’s Giles. How are things?”

“Oh you know, Hellmouthy. Buffy Bot is going out nightly, but I think the demons are realizing she’s not up to par.”

“Well then, this might come as welcome news, the Council is sending the new slayer to Sunnydale.”

“What? No! We don’t need it. I mean, the Buffy Bot isn’t enough, but we need Buffy, not just some newbie slayer,” Willow whined.

“Buffy is gone. The appointment wouldn’t be permanent, just until the activity of the Hellmouth is brought to a more normal level. Wesley and Eleanor are will be in California next week sometime.”

“We don’t need them,” she said stubbornly.

Giles was surprised at the coldness of the young witch’s tone, “How are things otherwise? Has  Dawn been adjusting? Any word from Mr. Summers?”

“Dawn is fine, we’re all fine. You left us, what does it matter? Why do you even care?”

“Willow, I do care about you all… but… I think it was obvious that you all didn’t need me, and without Buffy…” Giles tried to explain.

“Whatever. I’ll let Dawn know you called,” Willow said and hung up the phone.

‘Well, that did not go well at all,’ Giles thought.

*

Willow paced back and forth in the hallway. Having a slayer and a Watcher here could jeopardize her plans. Too many watchful eyes.

What if they figured out they were trying to raise Buffy? What if they already had figured it out, and that’s why there were coming? No… if Giles knew what she had tried to do, he wouldn’t have called.

She had to take the phone call at face value: the Council knew the Hellmouth was getting unruly and they were sending a slayer to get it under control. Still, this would complicate things. It was easy to keep Spike and Dawn out of the loop, but Wesley and a slayer? Well, Wesley was a joke and the slayer was some new inexperienced child… still, she would have to be careful.

And she would have to figure out what went wrong last time. Willow had looked over the spell text hundreds of times, it should have worked! It was working, right up until the end. Maybe the sacrifice of the doe wasn’t enough… maybe she needed something else. Something bigger? More innocent? Maybe a different spell?

The Magic Box would have some… darker texts… it wouldn’t hurt to see what else was there.

She needed Buffy back and she would figure out how to do it. She had to.