Buffy had a hearty late lunch with her mother and sister. While they ate at the dining room table, Buffy felt obligated to tell them what happened the night Dru kidnapped her.
Buffy told her mother and Dawn an edited version of what happened with Dru. And she left out the last part with Spike and the shrine... and the part where Spike (while under Dru's control) taunted, punched, and bit her.
"Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything?" Joyce asked rhetorically.
"I... may have glossed over some things, but I just don't want to relive every second of it, Mom." Buffy fidgeted.
"No, something significant happened that you don't want me to know about. Buffy, please stop trying to shield me from things that might upset me -- it upsets me more for you to keep things from me. I need to know what's going on with you. I spent too much time in the dark about you being the Slayer, I want to be kept in the loop."
"I just..." Buffy sighed heavily. "I don't know if you'd understand some of what happened... I don't want you to hate Spike."
Joyce frowned. "Hate him? He saved your life, didn't he? How could I hate him?"
"I told you about how Dru hypnotized me into thinking Spike came to rescue me, well... she hypnotized Spike into thinking he hated me, and for a few minutes there, I really thought he was going to kill me."
"Oh, poor Spike..." Dawn lamented, lowering her head. Then she looked up and added quickly, "And poor you, too, of course. He couldn't hurt you because of the chip though, right?"
"That's another thing... Dru hypnotized him earlier to make him feel no pain from the chip. Spike was able to hit me without getting a shock."
"Oh my..." Joyce shivered, thinking how close she really did come to losing her daughter. "What stopped him from...?"
The biting part of the story would stay Buffy and Spike's secret -- she didn't want to take the risk of her family and friends turning on him. Luckily the bite mark was easily concealed, no one would even know it was there unless they saw Buffy in a strappy top. "Spike just sorta... snapped out of it suddenly, he shook it off. He remembered how he really felt about me, and he remembered the way Dru mind fu- ... manipulated his mind. Then there was the big fight with Dru and her goons, and that was it."
"Then you called us, and then you guys went to Spike's crypt where the last smackdown of the night with Harmony happened," Dawn finished.
Buffy nodded.
Joyce shook her head and patted Buffy's hand. "My poor baby, you really did have a crazy night. I'm just so relieved you're okay and everything turned out alright." Joyce tried not to dwell on the terrifying 'What if'?' thoughts, and instead concentrate on the fact that Buffy was safe now.
"I wasn't too hopeful for a while there, but..." Buffy sighed and smiled. "I got through it with Spike's help and a lotta luck."
"I want to bake Spike a cake," Dawn said eagerly. "To say thanks for helping you."
Buffy looked at Dawn with a skeptical smile. "You baking? Be careful, there are some poisons that can affect vampires."
"Hey, I'm a good cook!" Dawn defended. "Mom's been teaching me stuff and I've been watching cooking shows. I'll make Spike a devil's food cake served with rocky road ice cream -- it's got marshmallows in it, he likes those. I got a pint of the ice cream last time we went shopping."
"I think that's a nice idea, honey." Joyce smiled.
"Spike would probably prefer cash as a 'thank you'," Buffy laughed. "He doesn't even need to eat, ya know?"
Dawn wouldn't be swayed, she thought it was a good idea. "But he likes to eat, he's different from other vampires. I was thinking, to top off the cake and ice cream, I could drizzle some pig's blood over it like syrup."
Buffy made a face. "Ugh. Spike would definitely have the whole cake to himself if you do that."
Dawn stood up and started collecting the dishes. "I'll clean up."
"You're such a good butler," Buffy joked, patting Dawn on the back.
They chuckled as Dawn took the dishes into the kitchen.
"You feel better since you had a decent meal?" Joyce asked.
Buffy patted her stomach. "I do. It was yummy, thanks, Mom."
"Do you feel like telling me the rest of what happened between you and Spike?"
"The rest?" Buffy fidgeted again, lowering her eyes and playing with the napkin on her lap. "There is no... 'rest'."
"Until now, every time Spike's name came up, you got a look on your face... a troubled look. I know something else happened, Buffy."
Buffy rubbed her eyes and sighed. Her mom had a touch of psychic powers too, or so it seemed. It would be best to just tell her (most of) the truth. "I don't want you to hate him, but he did something weird...."
"I won't hate him. Tell me."
"Okay... but you can't tell anyone else about this, alright? My friends don't need any extra reasons to hate Spike."
Joyce nodded. "My lips are sealed."
"I found out that, in the past, Spike had taken a lot of pictures of me without me knowing..."
Joyce's eyes widened. "He took naked pictures of you?! When did he --"
"No!" Buffy waved her hands and shook her head. "No naked! Nobody was naked... Why did your mind go there?"
Joyce took a calming breath. "You mean, he had normal, fully-clothed pictures of you?"
"Yeah, photos and some sketches he drew of me -- they were pretty good sketches, too, I didn't know he could draw. It was kind of... shrine-like, with candles and... I totally flipped out on him, my brain was short-circuiting, and I just couldn't handle anything else. I saw that he stole things from me and..."
"What did he steal?"
"Some of the photos belonged to me, and... clothes, and other miscellaneous stuff like stakes and hair scrunchies."
Joyce rolled her eyes and sighed, "Dammit, Spike..."
"I felt so betrayed when I saw the shrine... I thought he didn't love me, I thought it was just an obsession. I'd let myself care about him, to think about him as a person, a man, and then I... I just felt like it was all a lie."
"It does sound awfully obsessive."
"I know... but Spike did save my life. After I had time to think about it, and had a few wacky dreams that helped me sort out some issues, I can forgive him. I keep thinking of the way he sounded and looked at me when he said sweet things to me -- it's not just an obsession, Mom, he does love me. And he really was sorry for the things he did wrong."
"Well... I can't be too angry with him, he did save your life, after all. I would like to give him a smack and a lecture for stealing your things, but I certainly don't hate him." Ironically, Joyce would be less inclined to forgive Spike for trespassing and taking Buffy's property if he were a normal human. But Spike was a vampire -- he had to work harder at being 'normal'. Stealing the object of your affection's possessions might be perfectly acceptable behavior amongst vampires.
Buffy's thoughts on the matter were similar to Joyce's: it would be harder (if not impossible) for her to forgive Spike if he were a human who did the same things. But that night at the mansion changed everything. Buffy couldn't put into words how she knew Spike was a different man than the one who'd thought it was okay to stalk her and gave no regard to her privacy, she just knew -- call it Slayer's intuition.
"You were always nice to Spike -- except for the hitting him with an axe that first time, but that was completely justified. And I know he likes you -- and he respects you. Strange relationship you guys have," Buffy said with a chuckle.
"I can't explain why exactly, but I do like Spike. I've always had the feeling that there's a good man under his gruff exterior, and he just needs some guidance -- or lots of guidance -- to get on the right track. Spike choosing to help you over being with that awful Drusilla proves that there's hope for him."
"That's how I feel too." Buffy grinned. "I do think he's capable of being a good guy, given the right incentive."
Joyce smiled slightly and raised her eyebrows. "And I'm guessing that incentive would be you?"
Buffy nodded. "He said he'd do anything to make me happy, and I believe him. Spike still has a lot of hurdles to jump, I'm not saying he's perfect... but he's trying. He's good to you and Dawn, and he chose to save my life when he could've just gone along with Dru and gotten his old life back. Spike and I had a chance to talk a little bit before things turned sour... I believe he really does want to be a good man. He made a choice that night, not just between which woman he loved more, he also turned his back on his old way of life... for me."
"By the twinkle in your eye, I'm thinking you feel you're ready for a new boyfriend?"
Buffy blushed and looked down at her hands. "Well, I have to talk to Spike about everything, but... yeah, I'd like to see if we could make a relationship work. I'm not worry-free, of course -- I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. If I take a chance on Spike and he betrays me... I don't know how I'll handle it. But then there's the flipside: what if I don't take a chance on him and I lose out on something that could've been incredible."
“I won’t tell you what to do, you're past the age where I can run your life, but I want you to really be certain, Buffy. On second thought, I will tell you what to do: I want you to do what your heart tells you is right. We only live once, and what I want most of all for you and your sister is for you to be happy.”
Buffy smiled wistfully. “Being happy... I think I remember what that’s like."
"You're sure your feelings for Spike aren't just gratitude or infatuation? Or that you aren't blinded by your feelings and ignoring the bad things he did?"
"I'm sure," Buffy replied without hesitation. "I care about him, Mom; I can't ignore or deny how I feel. I've thought about it, I'm not going into this with blinders on. I know I could be setting myself up for a big fall, but I want to be with him. It won't be easy for lots of reasons... I know I'll catch all kinds of hell from everyone in my life for dating Spike.”
Joyce sighed, and then squared her shoulders. “Well, I won’t be slinging any hell at you.” She wasn’t crazy about the idea, she'd prefer Buffy dated a human being, but she really did only want Buffy to be happy. And Buffy did have that aforementioned twinkle in her eye when talking about Spike, there wasn't much a parent could say once their daughter had fallen for a boy -- even if that boy was a soulless, century old vampire with several bad habits.
“You can’t live for other people, Buffy, that’s a recipe for unhappiness. We have to make our own decisions and just hope the people we love accept, or at least respect, them."
Buffy leaned over and gave Joyce a hug. "Thanks for being the coolest, sweetest, most understanding mom in the world."
Joyce laughed and hugged her back. "Remember that next time I ask you to mow the lawn."
Dawn came out of the kitchen, not looking very happy. "I'm going up to my room to read for a while." She walked quickly past them.
"Something wrong, honey?" Joyce asked.
"No," Dawn said, her voice wavering, as she hurried up the stairs. They heard her bedroom door shut.
Buffy sighed. "I think she heard us talking and she's upset..."
"Why would she..." Then Joyce remembered about Dawn's crush. "Oh... She'll be alright. We all had those mad crushes on someone at her age."
"I should talk to her," Buffy said, getting up from the table.
Buffy knocked on Dawn's door.
"What?" came the terse reply.
"Can I talk to you for a minute, Dawn? Please?"
Dawn sighed. "...I guess."
Buffy came in. She hated seeing her little sister looking so sad. Dawn was sitting on her bed holding a plush bunny on her lap, and looking mopey.
Buffy sat down next to Dawn on the bed. "You want to talk about it?"
Dawn picked at her stuffed animal and shrugged. "You're going to start dating Spike, huh?" she asked, still petting the stuffed animal and avoiding eye contact with Buffy.
"If things work out the way I hope, yeah."
"You probably think I'm stupid..." Dawn sniffled. "Like I ever really had a shot with Spike."
"I don't think you're stupid." Buffy smoothed her hand over Dawn's hair. "I know how you feel."
"How could you know? All the hot and interesting guys fall in love with you." Dawn pouted.
"In case you haven't noticed, my love life sucks. I might get to date the guys I'm interested in, but my relationships always ended badly for one reason or another, they never lasted -- at least none have yet."
"Yeah, but you got to be with the guys you wanted... for a little while. I'd take being happy for a little while over nothing and being doomed."
"Considering my track record, I should probably just give up on ever having another boyfriend," Buffy half-joked. Part of her was still gun-shy about getting into another relationship, especially one with as many obstacles as she and Spike were going to have. But she was in too deep to back down now, she had to at least try to make a go of it with Spike. Still, it upset Buffy to see Dawn upset.
Dawn shrugged indifferently again.
"Tell you what... if it's really going to bother you, I can just be friends with Spike," Buffy said, stroking Dawn's hair again. "How could I be happy if I know you're all gloomy?"
Dawn looked up at her. "Seriously? You mean it?"
Now, Buffy did intend to keep her word, but when she'd thought of making that offer to Dawn, she'd expected Dawn to say something like, 'Oh, that's dumb,' or 'I wouldn't ask you to throw away your chance at happiness for me'. Buffy didn't expect to see enthusiasm for the idea in her sister's eyes -- but that's what she was seeing.
Buffy nodded slowly, thinking, 'Oh shit, why the hell did I say that!?' She said, "Yeah... of course I mean it. You're my sister and I love you."
"Omigod, you are the coolest big sister ever! You're the best, Buffy!" Dawn grinned and threw her arms around Buffy's neck and hugged her. "You really do understand!"
Buffy hugged Dawn back, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing her sister had reacted the way she'd hoped Dawn would react. Buffy felt a bit sick to her stomach.
After a beaming Dawn released her, Buffy stood up. "Well... I still need to see Spike to return his coat and tell him I forgive him. I shouldn't be too long..." A lot of what she'd wanted to say to Spike was about her feelings for him, but she'd just made an idiotic promise to Dawn -- the conversation with Spike was going to be a lot shorter now.
Buffy smiled wanly and turned to leave.
Dawn's own smile faded, she could see how disappointed and sad Buffy was. "Buffy... wait."
Buffy stopped and turned around. "Hmm?"
Dawn paused for a moment, then asked, "Being with Spike would make you happy? It's what you really want?"
Buffy took a breath and nodded. "I have... I had a good feeling about it. Probably just me fooling myself, though... I'm sure something would've happened to screw everything up -- 'cause hey, it's me, 'Buffy the Relationship Slayer'. I didn't even talk to him about it; he might've said he wasn't interested."
Dawn rolled her eyes and made a 'Yeah, right!' face. Dawn knew Spike would be doing cartwheels if Buffy told him she wanted to be his girlfriend.
It wasn't easy for Dawn to say it, but she had to try being an adult and consider other people's happiness. Buffy went through so much crap being the Slayer, and Buffy had been so despondent when that dumbass Riley left her. Buffy deserved to be happy. "I can't do this to you... I mean, I really like Spike and everything, but I can't be the reason you're unhappy. And I know how happy being with you would make Spike. I love both of you -- in very different ways -- and I want both of you to be happy, so... you can be together, if you want. I won't be a bitch about it."
Buffy smiled tentatively. "Are you sure that's how you feel, Dawn?"
She nodded. "Spike really loves you. At least one of us Summers girls should get him. Maybe we should check with Mom to see if she's got a thing for Spike too -- it seems like it runs in the family," Dawn said jokingly.
Buffy went back over to the bed and hugged Dawn again. "I'm so proud of you. You're being very mature, a lot of adults wouldn't be so generous in the same situation."
"I don't wanna be a spoiled brat, which I would be if I denied you a gorgeous guy who loves you. And if Spike found out that I was the reason he couldn't be your boyfriend, he'd totally hate me. I don't want either of you to hate me, so... go ahead and be together. Just don't make out in front of me all the time, okay? I can't promise I won't spew if I see you two sucking face."
"I promise: no making out in front of you." Buffy kissed Dawn on the forehead. "You're a very sweet, thoughtful young woman. Thank you for being cool."
"Yeah, I'm the coolest." Dawn pulled away with a watery smile. "Why don't you put on some makeup before you go see Spike -- you don't wanna scare him."
Buffy stuck her tongue out.
"Buffy, one more thing. Was it Spike who stole your blue sweater?" Dawn asked. She'd heard the conversation between their mom and Buffy about Spike's thefts. Dawn only wished Spike liked her enough to steal her stuff.
Buffy sighed and nodded.
Dawn crossed her arms. "Aha! I told you it wasn't me."
"I know, and I'm really sorry I didn't believe you. But you have to admit, I have found my things in your room before -- I wasn't being totally paranoid."
"Yeah, okay... but my point is: I wasn't lying that time."
The sisters smiled at each other, and then Buffy left for her own bedroom, feeling much better than she did a minute ago.
After Buffy fixed her hair and put on some light makeup, she felt ready to see Spike. She was nervous about it, not that she thought he'd reject her, but because she was taking a leap of faith and would be playing another round of Relationship Roulette.
But as she'd told Dawn, Buffy had a good feeling about her and Spike; she believed in him. She was probably out of her mind -- and she was sure her friends would tell her as much -- but she was determined to do what her heart told her to do.
Just as she was finishing up getting ready, Buffy heard voices coming from downstairs. She went over to the door and listened, wincing when she realized it was her friends. That meant she would be further delayed going to the crypt, and she'd have to retell the story of what happened the other night. Then Buffy felt guilty for being annoyed -- her friends loved her and were only anxious to see if she was doing well. And she did miss them after not seeing them for a few days. She could spare an hour or so to reassure them that she was okay.
Buffy went downstairs and got hugs from the Scoobies. They went into the living room to talk, Joyce and Dawn went to the kitchen to give them some privacy. Willow gave Buffy the notes and reading assignment from the English Lit. class she'd missed, Buffy was relieved she wouldn't fall even further behind in her studies.
"What did Angel say about Dru and Darla when you called him?" Buffy asked Willow once everyone got settled in the living room.
"Oh, uh, I actually talked to Cordy. It sounds like they have a big heapin' helpin' of their own problems in L.A. right now, but Cordy said that Angel knew about Darla and Dru already. They were just there causing trouble not long before Dru came here."
Buffy shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Angel knew about Darla... and he didn't think it was important enough to pick up the phone and tell me she was somehow mystically brought back from the great beyond? And he knew about Dru being back, too... God, it's like pulling teeth to get that man to share. Remind me to kick his ass next time I see him."
"Come on, Buff," Xander said, leaning forward, "as much as I'd love to see that, we're all waiting to hear what happened that night. You aren't gonna be all un-share-y like Angel, are ya?"
Buffy took a breath and then launched into the story (minus some details) of her kidnapping and eventual rescue. They listened with limited interruptions through most of it, only adding a comment or exclamation here and there.
But Xander interrupted Buffy when she got to the part about how Drusilla made it so the chip in Spike's brain didn't work. Though she'd first decided not to tell them about that part, she'd reconsidered, thinking it was important to show that Spike had to be 'influenced' into hurting her and then was able to snap out of it by himself.
Xander paled. “Whoa, whoa, hold on! You're saying... that Spike had the ability to kill me that night when we went to the crypt? Holy shit...”
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know... maybe. The effects of Dru's trance could've worn off by then. But it's possible that Spike was able to hurt you." Buffy smiled a bit, thinking that it was a very good sign that Spike hadn’t even tried to hurt Xander -- there was no love lost between those two. It reinforced her belief in Spike and her gut-feeling that he was serious about trying to change his ways.
"And the thought that he could've killed me brings you some sort of joy?!" Xander asked in a shrill voice, noticing the tiny smile on her face.
Buffy explained herself, "No, not the thought that he could have killed you -- it's the thought that he did not kill you, he didn't even try. That says a lot, don't you think?"
"Yes, hooray for Spike for resisting the urge to murder me in cold blood!" Xander exclaimed sarcastically.
"We've all had to resist that urge at one time or another," Giles said dryly. The others (except Xander) laughed lightly.
"Oh, thanks a lot!" Xander was freaked out thinking back on the many opportunities Spike had to kill him that night. Xander vividly recalled that murderous look Spike had on his face when Xander threatened him with a stake. "I had a near-death experience, and you guys think it's a real knee-slapper."
"It was hardly a 'near-death' experience, Xander," Willow said, rolling her eyes. "You didn't, ya know, see a bright light and walk towards it, did you?"
Xander shuddered, the thought of Spike being un-muzzled sent chills down his spine. He would be at least in the top five on Spike's hit list, for sure. "You didn't see the murderous, insane in the membrane look in Spike's eyes -- he wanted to kill me. If he hadn't been so drunk, he woulda been all over me like a monkey on a cupcake!"
"If Spike wanted to..." Buffy paused, her brow furrowed. "Monkeys like cupcakes?"
"You bet they do; they love 'em," Xander said with grim certainty.
"Don't you think Spike would've been less able to control violent urges if he was drunk?" Buffy asked. "If he really wanted to hurt or kill you, he would have tried."
Anya rubbed Xander's back. "I doubt Spike was capable of killing you. Surely he would have ripped your arm off or snapped your neck when you manhandled him and threatened him with a stake."
"What?" Buffy sat up straighter. "Xander! Why were you manhandling and threatening to dust Spike?!"
"Because we thought he did something to you! I was trying to get him to tell us where you were. I feel bad about that now and I'll tell Spike I'm sorry... in the form of a pint of beer or blood -- his choice. I don't think I'm actually physically capable of apologizing to him with words."
"Let me see if I got this straight... you were threatening and pushing Spike around after he'd already been shot with a crossbow, sliced open with a machete, beaten with a crowbar, and he was exhausted from fighting several different people over the course of the night while doing everything he could to save my life?" Buffy asked tightly.
"Well, now that you put it that way, I admit... that doesn't cast me in the best of lights..." Xander paused to clear his throat. "But in my defense, I only did it because I was desperate to find you, Buffy! I really thought Spike had something to do with it... and it wasn't just me -- tell her, G-man!" Xander could understand Buffy feeling grateful to Spike for saving her, but she was a lot more upset that he threatened Spike than Xander would've expected her to be, after all, it was just Spike.
"Yes, that was... regrettable." Giles took off his glasses and polished them. "We made a mistake assuming Spike was the one who'd abducted you, Buffy." He put his glasses back on and looked over the rims at Xander. "And don't call me 'G-man' ever again."
Anya raised her hand. "I didn't assume Spike did something bad to you -- it was the rest of them that were ready to lynch Spike. I kept telling them their reasoning was faulty. But no one ever listens to me, so whatever." She sat back and crossed her arms.
Giles gave Anya an exasperated look, then continued, "But I'm very concerned about the issue of the chip not working. We need to talk to Spike to determine whether he's a threat to humans again."
"I was just about to head over to the crypt when you got here," Buffy said. "But I really don't think Spike's been killing again. And I will handle talking to him about it, I don't want him being threatened or pushed around again."
"It might not matter, he could be gone by now." Xander shrugged.
Buffy frowned. "Gone? Did he say he was... leaving Sunnydale?"
"Either that or he staked himself."
"...What?" Buffy swallowed, feeling suddenly cold inside.
"He was talking crazy, and told me a few times that he didn't care if I staked him -- and he definitely meant it. He was really givin' me the heebie-jeebies. I don't know if --"
Buffy jumped up from the chair, fear gripped her heart. "Oh my God! And you're just telling me this now?!"
They were all taken aback by Buffy's panicked reaction.
"I-I haven't had a chance to talk to you since that night," Xander stuttered, leaning back into the chair away from her.
"I have to see if he's okay!" Buffy ran up to her room to get Spike's coat, hopefully she'd be able to give it back to him. She didn't even want to consider the possibility that she might be too late...
"But, Buffy, you didn't finish telling us the rest of what happened the night Drusilla kidnapped you," Willow called to her.
Buffy came quickly back downstairs, taking two at a time, with the leather duster draped over her arm. She said in a rush, "My mom knows the rest of the story, she'll tell you. I'll be at the Magic Box tomorrow, we can talk more then. I have to go!"
The Scoobies looked at each other with raised brows as Buffy raced out the front door.
Spike had spent a couple days in a drunken haze before he resolved to try pulling himself together. Luckily, he'd had a few pints of blood stocked in the fridge or else he would be very hungry by now; he hadn't felt up to leaving the crypt at all until today.
He didn't really know how he could go on living feeling as low and depressed as he was, but he had to try; Spike was a survivor, he had to pick himself back up off the ground and just keep on going. Even if Buffy wanted nothing to do with him, he could still help if she needed assistance battling Glory or an especially tough monster of the week.
He thought about leaving town again, but where would he go? And what if Buffy did need his help and he wasn't there? Buffy, Joyce, or the Nibblet could die if he wasn't around to lend a hand, and he couldn't bear the thought of that, either. He supposed the idea of her friends dying would be a bit sad too (with the possible exception of Xander). But her friends meant the world to Buffy, and they had a lot to do with the fact that she was still alive and kicking -- Spike would save their lives (even that ponce Xander) if he had to. Spike's thoughts just kept going in circles, he couldn't make a firm decision about anything.
Leaving a box of Buffy's belongings outside her door seemed to be a good first goal to focus on. Spike went through the box from the shrine, throwing away the things that were ripped or destroyed, and putting Buffy's possessions into another box.
Spike told himself he wouldn't keep anything from the shrine -- he was going cold turkey in his addiction to Buffy. But... keeping one picture wouldn't be such a terrible thing. He took his favorite picture, smiled sadly at it for a few moments, tenderly tracing the shape of Buffy's face with a forefinger. Then he put the picture between the pages of his book of Shakespeare's sonnets; Sonnet 47 seemed to be a fitting place for it:
Betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took,
And each doth good turns now unto the other:
When that mine eye is famish'd for a look,
Or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother,
With my love's picture then my eye doth feast
And to the painted banquet bids my heart;
Another time mine eye is my heart's guest
And in his thoughts of love doth share a part:
So, either by thy picture or my love,
Thyself away, art present still with me;
For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move,
And I am still with them, and they with thee;
Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight
Awakes my heart, to heart's and eye's delight.
Buffy would always be with him, in his mind and heart.
Spike sighed as he closed the book and put it back in its drawer. "Love is the most beautiful of dreams... and the worst of nightmares," he quoted the Bard.
After everything fell apart with Buffy the other night, Spike had had the urge to go on a rampage in town to destroy everything he could get his hands on and try out the chip and see if Dru had really made his 'not able to bite humans' problem go away. Now that Spike's life was utterly destroyed, and he was without any sort of hope that it could get better, why shouldn't he just let his demon take over completely? He'd survived that way for over a century, he could do it again. There was nothing stopping him -- he could raze the whole bloody town to the ground, he could cause death, destruction and suffering on a grand scale. He could make everyone feel a fraction of the pain that was screaming inside of him.
But he couldn't. There was still a part of Spike that was committed to changing and becoming a better person. Buffy didn't care about him or what he did anymore, but he could do positive, good things as a way of repenting for the hurt he'd caused her (and countless others).
Spike would be doing good for the safety of puppies and Christmas, not only because he hoped Buffy would notice his deeds and be impressed. Spike still didn't know where he belonged in the world, if he belonged in it at all, or what category he fell into. Was he good or evil? Maybe a combination of the two: gevil or evood? He imagined he'd be in this sort of walking Purgatory for many years to come -- not fitting in with the 'white hats' but no longer able to live fully in the shadows. For the first time, he realized he was truly, utterly alone.
Spike had gotten the fuzzy end of the lollipop in life, as usual, but it was best for Buffy's sake that it ended this way. He'd been a huge fool to ever think he could be worthy of a woman like her, she deserved so much better than the likes of him. He truly was beneath her.
Maybe he could go out in a blaze of glory by tracking down that Hell-bitch Glory. If he managed to kill Glory, Buffy and Dawn's problems would be solved. Spike knew it would be a kamikaze mission if he went off to kill Glory by himself, but he was willing (and ready) to die to protect the Slayer and her loved ones. And Buffy would get two wonderful gifts out of that scenario: Both Glory and Spike would be dead and gone, never to cause Buffy another moment of worry again. The Slayer would be chuffed to bits, no doubt.
"Bloody hell, I've gotta stop depressin' myself..." Spike muttered, shaking his head.
Spike switched on his portable CD player, which was loaded with his 'Love's Bitch' mixed CD (lots of 'Woe is me' songs and shots of the Blues). Listening to the songs actually helped him deal with his sorry lot in life a bit better, it was comforting to know he wasn't the only heartbroken, miserable sod in the world.
Spike got back to cleaning and sorting his possessions as a temporary way to occupy his addled mind.
Buffy threw open the crypt door and ran inside. There was no sign of Spike.
'Don't panic, he might be downstairs,' she told herself, going to the covered trapdoor.
Loud music blared up from below when Buffy moved the cover aside.
{{
Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:
Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding
}}
Call me Mr. Pitiful
Baby, that's my name now
Oh they call me Mr. Pitiful
That's how I got my fame
But people just don't understand
What make a man feel so blue
Ooh they call me Mr. Pitiful
'Cause I lost someone just like you
"Spike?" Buffy called down the hole. She assumed he wouldn't be able to hear her over the music.
They call me Mr. Pitiful
This everybody know now
They call me Mr. Pitiful
Most everyplace I go
But nobody seems to understand
How can a man sing such a sad song
Ooh when he lost everything
When he lost everything that he had
Buffy climbed down the ladder, and then breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Spike was still here and un-dusty. He was singing along with the song and moving slightly from side to side to the beat. Spike had his back to her, but it was definitely him -- that platinum blond hair could only belong to one person. He had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and was holding an open book in the other. There were a bunch of cardboard boxes on the floor filled with various items.
Spike was drinking again, but he was just sipping the whiskey as opposed to the guzzling he'd done over the last few days. He sang along with the song, musing that this was his theme song now. Why not try embracing his pitifulness instead of fighting it? Fighting it took too much bloody energy.
Spike turned around while taking a drink. Discovering that he suddenly wasn't alone took him by surprise, he did a spit-take and started coughing.
"Oh! Sorry!" Buffy put a hand to her mouth to cover her smile and hold in a laugh.
Spike kept coughing as he went to the table with the boom box. He hastily set down the bottle and book, and then fumbled with the CD player to switch off the music.
"Sorry," Buffy said again once it was quiet. "I didn't mean to scare you. I called down, but I guess you didn't hear."
Spike waved his hand and shook his head as he cleared his throat. He wheezed, "I just wasn't expectin' any company... 'specially not... you."
Buffy toned down her smile, but couldn't quite keep it completely off her face. "That was a good spit-take, I'd never actually seen anybody do one in real-life before."
Spike wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, just staring at Buffy for a few moments. He was gobsmacked to see Buffy here again. And she was smiling pleasantly, which he definitely didn't expect. "Feelin' better? You look... good."
"Yep, almost all healed. You look... good, too." Spike did look a lot better than the last time she was here. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt that she hadn't seen him wear before, left tantalizingly unbuttoned down the front. She could see only a red mark on his abdomen from where he'd gotten slashed, his enhanced healing ability was obviously working too.
Spike's hair was mussed, and she thought the way it curled at the ends was so cute. 'Spike has naturally curly hair, eh? So that’s why he slicks it back all the time, he doesn't want people to think he looks adorable.’ She wanted to just run her fingers through his hair, wind those cute curls around her fingers and...
And then Buffy realized she'd just been silently staring at him for thirty seconds. She thought, 'Okay, say something, Buffy. Don't make him think you're a total spazz now that you actually *want* him to like you.'
"Um, did Harmony or Dru come back?" Buffy asked.
"No. And I hope I never set eyes on either of those bints again."
Buffy absently caressed the coat she was holding, reminding her that she'd brought it. "Oh, here," she held out the leather duster, "I wanted to bring this back to you. Thanks for letting me wear it home. Though... I guess you didn't let me, I just kinda put it on and walked out..." She laughed anxiously.
Spike looked at her strangely as he slowly reached out and took the coat from her. "...Thanks." He was completely thrown -- not only hadn't he expected Buffy to come here ever again, he hadn't expected to get his beloved garment back in one piece, if at all.
"I thought about having it dry-cleaned for you. I slept in it, so I might have sweated a little..." Buffy fretted. "If it's stinky, I can --"
"Are you here to stake me?" Spike asked flatly. "'Cos I'd just as soon you get on with it if you are."
Buffy frowned. "What? No. Why would I want to do that?"
Spike cocked an eyebrow. "Do I really need to list the reasons? You’ve got plenty of ‘em, Slayer.”
"I didn't come here to stake you or beat you up. I wanted to return your coat, and I was hoping we could... talk about what happened."
Spike gulped. "Sure you wouldn't rather just stake me?" he asked, holding his shirt open and presenting his chest to her. Talking to Buffy about the shrine and his stalkery behavior terrified him. Between a talk with her or a stake to the heart, being dusted might prove the less painful alternative.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "There's stuff I need to talk to you about, Spike." She looked around for a place to sit, then chose to sit on the end of the bed.
Spike shifted uncomfortably on his feet and looked down at the floor. "There's nothin' left for us to talk about."
"There's a lot for us to talk about," Buffy insisted. “I was glad to see you were okay. I wasn't sure what, if anything, I'd find when I finally got here... Xander told me you were talking crazy and sounded suicidal the last time he saw you.”
Spike growled as he angrily hung his coat on a hook on the wall. "Harris needs to keep his stupid bloody opinions to himself! I just wanted to be left the bloody hell alone. But your friends held me hostage 'til they called your house and confirmed I wasn't lying." He glanced at her. “I reckoned you made it home alright when I didn’t wake up as a pile of dust.”
"I don't think you could actually wake up if you were..." Buffy started then shook her head, Spike's sarcasm threw her momentarily.
She started over. “Yeah, look... I’m sorry Xander was such a dick. I’ve been asleep most of the last few days, so I only just heard about what happened after I left here. I was so pissed off that he treated you that way. Xander said he'd apologize to you about the whole thing, and he'd better."
Spike put his hands on his hips, looking put-out and frustrated. "What's goin' on, Buffy?"
"Going on?"
"Why are you really here? Why are you acting like you give a shit about me?" Spike stopped and let out a breath, putting his hands to his temples and rubbing in slow circles. He was already hung-over before she showed up, and now he was very confused -- why was Buffy being nice to him? There had to be some kind of catch, some important reason she was pretending she didn’t hate his guts. "If you need information on a baddie, I don’t have any; I haven’t been above ground in days. If you need my help slaying a demon, just give me the description and point me in the right direction.”
"I told you I'm here because I need to talk to you. I thought you’d be at least a little happy to see me..." Buffy pouted (which almost made Spike melt and sigh at her adorability). "Do you want me to leave?"
Spike blinked at her, then swallowed and looked away. "Yeah, I want you to go. I just wanna be left alone.”
"Too bad, 'cause I ain't goin' anywhere," Buffy said, crossing her arms.
Spike looked at her, furrowing his brow. "What?"
"You heard me, I'm staying right here. You just want me to leave because you're nervous to talk about that shrine thingie."
“Hmm..." Spike tapped his chin and looked up in thought. "Now, why wouldn’t I want to talk about one of the most humiliating, painful moments in my entire life?” He gave her a put-upon look. “As if that whole bloody nightmare hasn’t replayed in my mind a thousand times... Why pour salt in the wound? It's over and done with.”
“I know it’s not a --”
Spike started pacing nervously and talked over her. “Every second my mind hasn’t been pickled in alcohol, I’ve seen the whole bloody scene play out in my head again and again. Well, it still went through my mind when I was drunk off my ass, too, it just... didn’t hurt quite as much."
He held up a hand. “And before you even say it, I’m not implying that you did me wrong. I’m not trying to garner your pity. I bloody well hung myself... I know it. I deserve every bloody misfortune that's befallen me. In the beginning, I wanted to blame everyone else for what went wrong, but I know I’m the only one to blame. It was my brilliant idea to put together that bloody shrine. No one else could fuck up a good thing so spectacularly -- and I did it much quicker than usual, too.”
“You think I might be able to get a word in at some point?” Buffy asked with raised brows.
Spike stopped pacing and scrubbed his hands over his face, turning his back to her. In a softer voice, he said, “I don’t want to stop talking... because then you’ll start telling me how much I hurt you, and I can’t... It kills me knowing I hurt you, betrayed you, like that. Please, Buffy... I don’t want to talk about it. I know I don't deserve an ounce of mercy, but..."
Buffy sighed. “So, you think we should just pretend none of that night ever happened? You think we should just not see or talk to each other again to avoid awkwardness? You don’t want to try talking to me and fixing the problem?”
“There is no fixing it. Whatever we had... or could’ve had, it’s over. I bollixed it up real bloody good.”
“I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t think we could get past this.” Buffy patted a spot on the bed next to her. “Sit down, your pacing makes me dizzy.”
Spike looked at her uncertainly. “When you left here... I’ll never forget the look on your face: hurt, disgusted... and afraid. What could’ve possibly happened between then and now to change how you felt?”
“I was able to put things in perspective," Buffy explained. "My brain was beyond fried that night, there’s no way I could’ve had a calm, rational discussion with you. I’m sorry for the way I flipped --”
Spike held up a hand and shook his head. “No. Please, Buffy... don’t apologize to me for anything. I’m the one who fucked it up.”
“I know it was your fault, you really did fuck up." Spike looked down sadly, and Buffy added, "But I do regret the extreme way I reacted. I wish I could’ve stayed and... I don’t know, listened to your explanation and talk about it.”
“Explanation?” Spike laughed miserably. “What is there to explain? I was obsessed with you, I stalked you, and I nicked your stuff. There’s no good explanation for what I did. There’s nothing I can say that will make it right.”
“I wanted to hate you... I did hate you for a short time," she confessed. "But the hate didn't last long... I still care about you, Spike. I’d still like us to try being... friends.” Buffy wanted to be much more than ‘friends’, but she could broach that particular subject after they got the other topics out of the way.
“No... no, don’t care about me; I don’t deserve you carin’ about me. All I’ll do is keep hurting you in one way or another. I think Dru might've had it backwards -- I'll lead you to your destruction if you let me near you. Let’s just leave it as it is... go our separate ways. I won’t bother you again. I'll still help you fight if you need --”
“Stop with the self-loathing and sit down,” Buffy said in a no-nonsense way. “We’re talking this out whether you like it or not.”
Spike groaned and dragged his feet to the bed. But he thought better of it at the last second and went to sit in a chair instead. He didn’t want to get too close to Buffy. He still didn’t understand what changed to make her want to speak to him again -- it could just be a trick. Maybe she was gonna get his hopes up then pull the rug out from under his feet just to hurt him like he'd hurt her; not that he didn't deserve it, but still...
“No, sit over here,” Buffy said before he had a chance to sit down, patting the space next to her again.
Spike hesitated, but went over to the bed and sat on the opposite end from Buffy.
“Is that a new shirt?” Buffy asked. “It’s nice.”
Spike just raised an eyebrow and gave her that strange, confused look again. He was tensely waiting for her pleasant facade to fall away, and for her to explode in a fit of anger or tears.
“Okay, you’re not in the mood for small talk. We’ll go right into meatier subjects then... How’s the chip treating you? Does it work?”
Spike smiled ruefully, pursing his lips; he thought he understood now. “Ah, I get it... You came here to check up on me. That’s what your friendly visit was all about -- you think I’ve been hunting again. I’m surprised you chose to go a non-violent route to find out if I’ve been up to no good. Why not just throw me against the wall and punch me a few times to get the truth outta me? I’d prefer that, actually.”
“It was just a question, Spike," Buffy said calmly. "And I didn’t have some secret agenda for coming here to see you; I wasn’t putting on an act or pretending I care about you. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least ask if you've gone out to test the chip on a human.”
Spike believed her, and now he was back to being perplexed about her motives. “I really don’t know if it works or not. Guess that’s not the answer you wanted to hear, but it's all I got.”
“You could hit me to see if --”
“No,” Spike said decisively.
“Just hit me once on the arm, it’s not like you’ll cripple me. I'm made of tough stuff.” Buffy leaned toward him, leading with her shoulder.
Spike didn’t want to hit or injure her at all, but he could see that she wasn’t going to let up until the question of the chip working was settled. He made a fist and got ready to punch her upper arm. He looked into her eyes. “You’ll have to stake me if it doesn’t work. You'd have to do your duty."
“Why? Did you plan on running out and killing a bunch of people to celebrate? I don’t think you’ll do that.”
“You’re being naive.”
Buffy shook her head. "No, I’m not. You could’ve been out there testing the chip over the last few days, but you weren’t. You said you turned your back on your old way of life the night you helped me escape from Dru, and I know you meant it.”
“I'm a monster; I’m not to be trusted... you’ve seen that. You have no idea what I'm capable of. Don’t make the fatal mistake of --”
“Would you just punch me already?” Buffy said impatiently. “God, do you ever stop talking? It’s just yap, yap, yap all the --”
Spike punched her arm, immediately gritting his teeth and holding his head. “Yeah, the bloody thing works,” he groaned. “And you’re one to bloody talk about incessant yammering. You haven’t stopped --”
“I said that to piss you off and make you punch me.” Buffy rubbed her arm. He didn’t hit her that hard, she could tell he’d held back, but it was enough to sting.
“Oh. Then it was a job well done, Slayer.” He smiled slightly and massaged his forehead. “You always did have a talent for aggravating me.”
Buffy smiled. “Well, see, we have something in common, 'cause you have the same talent for aggravating me.”
Spike was both relieved and disappointed that the chip gave him a shock. He didn’t plan on killing humans again, but he also despised being controlled. But at least Buffy wouldn't have to be the one to dust him. For some unknown reason, she was no longer angry with him, and it seemed that she would've actually been disturbed if she'd had to stake him.
"You're just gonna take my word that I haven't been hunting humans? I could've just been pretending to feel pain from the chip to fool you."
Buffy turned to the side to face him, curling one of her legs under her. "Have you been hunting humans again? And were you faking the reaction from the chip when you hit me?"
Spike sighed. "No."
"I believe you," Buffy said.
He shook his head with disbelief. "This isn't like you at all, Slayer... How can you believe me just like that? You know me: I lie, I cheat, I steal -- I'll do anything to get over on people."
"Your eyes." She smiled softly. "I can tell so much just by looking into your eyes..."
They gazed at each other for a few moments before Spike broke eye contact, looking down at his hands.
Spike was further unnerved at seeing not just forgiveness, but caring in Buffy's eyes. He didn't understand how she could forgive him, or how she could possibly care whether he lived or died. He looked at her suspiciously. "Are you under a spell, is that what this is? Someone mojo'd you into forgetting what a huge jackass I am? Was Red messin’ with dark forces again?"
Buffy laughed. "You're so paranoid! I'm not under a spell. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I just gave the situation a lot of thought, I slept on it, and then came to the conclusion that you messed up, but you can still redeem yourself?"
Spike had felt so hopeless, and he'd thought of himself in such negative ways, since he'd last seen Buffy. He'd convinced himself that he'd never have her -- not her friendship and certainly not anything more. It was hard for him to believe and accept that there was any chance of reconciling with her.
"Now, about that shrine..." Buffy began, her eyes going to the area of the room where the shrine had been set up.
Spike tensed. "It's gone, alright? I tore the whole bloody thing down and threw it all away."
"All of it?"
"...Well... ‘cept for the things I nicked that belong to you... I put them in a box...” Spike wouldn’t meet her eyes as he got up and retrieved a cardboard box. He set the box down near her feet, and then went back to sit on the opposite end of the bed. “That’s all of it."
Buffy peeked in the box. "You didn't keep anything?" she asked skeptically.
"No... well yeah... but nothing that belongs to you. I kept... one picture," Spike said guiltily. Yet another reason he was disappointed in himself: he couldn't go totally cold turkey like he'd promised himself he would. And he didn't know why he'd just felt the need to be honest and tell Buffy about the one picture, he should've lied -- he was good at lying -- why couldn't he lie to her?
"One picture is okay, some people might even call having one picture 'normal'." Buffy hoped he might smile at that, but he didn't. She sighed. "Tell me why you decided to take my stuff and the pictures from my house."
Spike glanced at her. "You're just bustin' my bollocks now... I don't think I really need to explain why I took those things. You're a smart bird, you can figure it out."
"I'm not bustin' your... anything. I just want you to tell me what you were feeling and thinking when you did it."
Spike rubbed his forehead, trying to get rid of the headache the chip had given him. He did not want to talk to Buffy about this, but she obviously wasn't going to stop until he gave her an answer. Why did women insist on talking everything to death?
Spike took a breath and began, "I had all these... feelings for you and you hated me, I didn't know how to manage it. Felt like I might go mad from yearning for you... At first I just wanted a picture of you... but once I started I couldn't stop. I wanted to have things that reminded me of you, that would make me feel... closer to you. I knew I could never have you, and that stuff I stole was as close as I'd ever get to you. It was stupid and pathetic -- you don't have to tell me that, I know it. But I could look at the pictures, smell your scent on the clothes, and dream -- imagining, just for a little while, that you could love me too..." He groaned and lowered his head, covering his face with his hands. "Oh God, I'm such a pathetic git..."
Buffy still didn't approve of his actions, of course, but she thought she could understand (at least a little bit) the desperation Spike felt when he'd constructed the shrine. Spike had been faced with a dilemma and chose a wrong solution, but he didn't have any positive influences in his life -- except for Buffy and her friends, and he couldn't have talked to any of them about his feelings for Buffy. She felt confident that, with proper guidance, Spike could still be a good man.
Buffy smiled. "What I keep wondering is... why did you have the mannequin? What'd you do with it?"
Spike groaned again, even more embarrassed. He couldn't look at her, so he missed the teasing smile on her face. "Nothing! I didn't do anything... with it."
"Then why did you have it down here?"
"Alright, I... sometimes practiced... talking to you." He growled and dropped his face into his hands again. "Bloody hell... I wish I could just spontaneously combust right now. If you have a stake somewhere on your body, be a pet an' stab it through my back please."
Buffy ignored his plea for her to stake him. "I never noticed you having a problem talking to me, you always sounded strong, defiant, and confident. Why would you have to practice talking to me?"
"I don't mean our usual witty, mutually insulting banter. And when we're not trading insults, we talk about demons threatening the community, we talk shop. We didn't have 'normal' conversations. The few times I've tried..."
"Yeah... I got weirded out, insulted you, and told you to go away." Buffy remembered a few instances of Spike trying to talk to her, the most recent time was at the Bronze right before Dru came back to town. "I wish I would've given you a chance instead of shooting you down every time you reached out."
Spike didn't say anything, he just kept looking down at his hands with a sad look on his face.
"The stealing and stuff you did... it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but it's in the past now. You don't have to beat yourself up about it so much."
Spike shook his head and chuckled despondently. "Don't beat myself up, you say? I want to kick my own ass for doing something so bloody pathetic and twisted. I knew what I did was wrong when I was doin' it... but I didn't realize how wrong and sick it was until I saw that look on your face right after you saw the shrine." Spike closed his eyes, seeing that frightened, appalled look on Buffy's face again. It was like a knife being twisted in his gut. "I don't know what the bloody hell is wrong with me... that I could've thought, for even a second, that what I was doing was acceptable."
Spike sighed and had to fight the strong urge to shut down all communication with Buffy and crawl back inside a bottle of whiskey. He had to get through this conversation first, to let Buffy know how much he regretted his actions.
He took a breath and continued, "If a human had done what I did, he'd be in jail -- and ironically, I'd want to kill the bastard for doing the same bloody stupid things I did to you. I never wanted you to be scared of me... I know it doesn't excuse what I did or make it any better, but I'm so bloody sorry, Buffy, you have no idea..."
"I was freaked out about the shrine at first, I didn't know what to think. I jumped to the worst of conclusions and had myself convinced you didn't really care about me. But I've had time to let it all sink in, I'm not scared or worried anymore. And I know you really do care about me."
She knew the new, improved Spike wouldn't intentionally harm or scare her. Buffy moved closer and put her hand on his shoulder. "We can still give the... 'being friends' things a try."
Spike got up from the bed abruptly and moved away from her.
"What's wrong?" Buffy frowned.
“Stop being nice to me,” Spike said with his back to her, his voice uneven.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Only you would have a problem with someone being nice to them. Sorry, I’m in a ‘being nice’ kinda mood. It doesn't happen that often, you should enjoy it," she teased, but Spike didn't see the soft smile on her face.
He turned his face to her, his eyes shiny with tears. “Hit me, yell at me, threaten me -- I deserve those things... I understand those things. Just... stop being so bloody nice. I don’t know how to handle it... I don't deserve it.”
Buffy stood up and went over to him, then took his hands in hers. Spike tried pulling his hands away, but Buffy held on. “Spike, you know the things you did were wrong and you’re sorry. You wouldn't do anything like that again, and I know you'll do what you can to make up for it. I can forgive you.”
Spike shook his head slowly. "Don't forgive me... If you let me in, I'll only hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you again, Buffy."
"It's going to be different between us from now on, Spike. We're going to respect each other, and you can talk to me about anything, not just shop talk." He looked so sad that Buffy just had to hug him. She let go of his hands and put her arms out, leaning forward.
Spike leaned back, looking confused again. "What're you doing?"
Buffy put her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Shut up, I'm hugging you."
"...Why?"
"Because I want to."
Spike was immobile for several moments, but he slowly brought his arms up around her, and then closed his eyes and just savored being hugged by her.
"You might as well start getting used to me being nice to you now," Buffy said, enjoying the feeling of being in Spike's arms again.
"You really are an amazing, and wildly unpredictable, woman, Buffy Summers," Spike said, pulling back to look at her. She looked so lovely, was being so sweet, and she smelled so good... Spike tilted his head and leaned in to kiss her.
Buffy saw the kiss coming and welcomed it. She closed her eyes and puckered up a little as his lips gently brushed against hers. But instead of feeling Spike's mouth on hers, she was surprised when he suddenly took his arms off of her and jumped away.
Spike didn't realize he was about to kiss her until it was almost too late. Wanting to kiss Buffy was an automatic impulse, he'd just started going for it without thinking. He growled loudly and raked his fingers back through his untamed hair. “I can’t go five bloody minutes without doing something stupid!”
“What’s wrong?” Buffy asked, startled. She’d been ready to get that kiss she’d dreamt about.
He turned his back to her. “God, I’m bloody hopeless!” he said miserably. “Here you are, bein’ so gracious and kindhearted... and I have to ruin everything -- again! -- by trying to kiss you. I couldn’t help m’self... You look so beautiful and you smell so good... I can’t be around you without wanting you... I’ll stay away, I won’t come near you, I’ll --”
Buffy interrupted him, “Spike, I could've stopped you if I wanted to. Did you hear me complaining about the almost-kiss?"
He stopped and thought for a moment. “...No.”
“Right. That’s because I wanted it to happen.”
Spike turned around and looked at her.
“In fact, if you hadn't, I was going to be the one to initiate the kissage, so don’t go on another guilt trip. You're racking up more frequent-flyer miles than Buzz Aldrin."
“You... wanted to kiss me? After everything I did...?"
"I told you several times that I forgive you, Spike. The thing that matters most to me is that you're sorry, and that you try to do your best to walk the straight-and-narrow. You were right when you said that people have done a lot worse than worship me, and I forgave them."
Spike's brow furrowed. “I... don’t remember ever saying that... out loud.”
“Oh... that might’ve been Dream Spike who said that, now that I think about it. But that doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Dream Spike?" Spike gulped. "You... had dreams... about me?”
"Uh-huh. You were my... co-star." Buffy looked up at him from under her lashes and smiled, which Spike thought was the sweetest (yet most seductive) look he'd ever seen on a woman. "The dreams helped me see how I really feel about you, and that I shouldn't give up on you so fast."
Spike was stunned once again. Buffy dreamt about him? And they weren't innocent, chaste dreams, judging by the look on her face.
Buffy could see he was speechless, so she stepped up to him. She touched his cheek, then trailed her hand down to his chest, idly fingering a buttonhole on his shirt. "I do want us to be friends... but I really want to try being more than that."
An awed smile twitched at the corners of Spike's mouth, he tilted his head, wondering if this was really happening or if it was just another one of his dreams.
"Is that something you'd be interested in, too?" She lowered her eyes bashfully, certain of what his answer would be.
Dozens of thoughts and feelings raced through Spike's mind. There were shouts of jubilation within him to hear that Buffy fancied him, his dreams were coming true. But all the negativity he'd built up over the last few days wouldn't be banished so easily. The thoughts, 'I would only make Buffy miserable', and 'She deserves better than me; I'm beneath her', pushed past and overwhelmed his joy. He had to do the right thing -- for Buffy -- no matter how much it hurt him.
Spike squeezed his eyes shut and set his jaw, he took and released a shaky breath. "...No."
For a moment, Buffy continued as if his answer had been 'Yes', she'd been certain of what his reply would be. "I thought we could start by getting to know each..." Buffy paused and blinked up at him. "Did you say... 'no'?"
Spike looked into her eyes, trying to be strong and do what he thought was right. "I'm sorry..."
"But..." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Okay... I'm thoroughly confused. I thought you wanted to be with me? Don't you love me anymore?"
The pout she was giving him was testing Spike's mettle -- he wanted nothing more than to kiss that pouty lip and make her smile again. But he had to stand firm -- for her sake.
Spike swallowed and stepped away from her. "I do love you... and that's why I said no. Being with me wouldn’t be good for you.”
Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. "Oh yay, another person in my life who thinks they know what's best for me! I just can't get enough of that stuff." She took a deep breath and looked at him. "I never thought you'd be one of those people, Spike."
"Yeah..." he blinked back tears and smiled sadly, "I'm just full of surprises, ain't I?"
She crossed her arms. "You want to explain your stupid reason for rejecting me?"
"It's not stupid," Spike said, going to his bar and opening his last bottle of booze. "You deserve better than me, Buffy. You deserve someone... normal."
"Normal -- right! Because I'm just so damn normal myself."
"But that's what you want to be... that’s what your mum wants for you too."
"I'm not normal and I never will be. Yeah, I wish my life was ordinary and dull sometimes, but it's not. I'm the Slayer, and I need to be with a man who challenges me, who supports and understands me. That's you, Spike."
"You deserve better than me," Spike repeated sullenly. "You deserve someone stable -- someone brave and noble, someone you could be proud of... and not have to defend why you're with him to everyone that matters to you."
"I don
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