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Author's Chapter Notes:
Here's part two.

Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly
Buffy sat on the bed, nervously chewing on a thumbnail, while the Wiccans cast their spell on a map of Sunnydale. They used the poem Spike wrote for her as the personal object; Willow thought it would work better than the necklace since Spike had created it from his own thoughts and feelings.

Buffy leaned forward when a bright spot appeared on the map. "Where is he?"

Willow looked closely at the street names surrounding the spot of light. "It looks like he's... around Crawford Street," she said, looking up at Buffy.

"The mansion..." Buffy felt cold inside. "Spike hates that place, he wouldn't go back there voluntarily. Maybe Dru came back and took him there... I have to go!" She jumped off the bed and started for the door.

"Buffy, wait!" Willow called, making Buffy skid to a stop just as she reached the door. "If Dru's back, you can't go in there alone."

"It might be a trap Drusilla set for you," Tara cautioned. "You said she had wards put on the mansion when she kidnapped you -- she knows you have witch friends, she'd know you might try finding Spike through magick."

Buffy tried to calm down, breathing deeply a few times. They were right -- if Dru was back, she might be using Buffy's feelings for Spike to lure her into a trap. The thought that Dru could be doing something horrible to Spike right at this moment made Buffy sick and afraid. But she had to stay calm and think things through, not just go rushing headlong into what could be another dangerous situation. "Okay... I'll be stealthy and check it out before I go storming in. I'll call you if I need backup."

The witches were still uneasy about Buffy going anywhere near the mansion alone, but the Slayer was out the door too quickly for them to convince her to reconsider her plan.

Anger began to overwhelm Buffy's fear as she started up her mom's Jeep. If Dru had dared touch one platinum hair on Spike's head... there would be hell to pay.







Buffy needn't have worried, there was no indication that Dru or any of her minions had been back to the mansion, it was completely deserted when she got there. If Spike was here a half hour ago (and Willow's spell hadn't gone wonky), he wasn't here now. Buffy found an empty whiskey bottle and spent cigarette butts on the floor near the couch, she was pretty sure Spike had left those here very recently.

Buffy called his name loudly for a few minutes, hoping he'd slink out of the shadows. But, of course, he didn't. She'd almost hoped Dru was back -- that would mean it wasn't Spike's choice to stay away and not call her back.

"Why would you come back here?" Buffy wondered aloud. She remembered how Spike couldn't wait to leave the mansion after Dru left. He'd said that some of the worst days of his life were spent in the mansion, so why would he want to come here?

Buffy called Willow on the way back to her car, filling her in on the situation. "Can you do another spell? You've still got the poem, you can do it again, right?"

"Yeah, we're still set up. Hang on."

A minute later, Buffy heard Willow speaking in Latin. Shortly after that, Willow came back on the line.

"Okay... geez, he moves fast! He's all the way across town. The map shows Spike being near Church Street, in Espenson Cemetery."

"What would he be doing there?" Buffy asked, more to herself than Willow.

Willow looked more closely at the map, seeing there was a church under the dot of light. "It looks like he's in or very near a church... Wasn't the old church where Spike did that restoration ritual for Dru in Espenson cemetery?"

Buffy had to think about that for a minute. "Yeah... it was. That's the church he's in now?"

"I think so, yeah."

That was where she'd beaned him with that censer which led to him being crippled and confined to a wheelchair. Buffy thought, 'It can't be a good sign that Spike went there... Is he reminding himself of all the reasons he should hate me?'

"Okay, I'm gonna go check it out."

"Be careful," Willow advised.

"I will. Thanks for your help. I'll call you after I find Spike... or I'll call you if I don't find him... either way, I'll call you."







Buffy was frustrated to find that Spike wasn't still at the church by the time she got there. The church was a burned out shell, the place was falling apart. Buffy wondered why the city wouldn't tear down a building that was barely standing like this one, even if it was a church. Sunnydale had forty-three churches at last count, there were plenty more.

Buffy stopped near the area the church organ had fallen on Spike years ago. Imagining Spike buried under rubble, in pain, burned and unable to walk, made her want to cry again. Back then, Buffy might've smiled with satisfaction if she'd seen him lying there, after what he'd done and tried to do to Angel, she would've been pleased to see her archenemy so severely wounded; in fact, she most likely would've put him out of his misery and dusted him right then and there. But things were very different now than they were almost four years ago... very, very different.

This place conjured up some unpleasant memories. Spike had been in full-on evil mode back then, a remorseless, vicious predator who only looked out for himself... and, of course, Dru. His caring, sensitive side had been reserved only for Drusilla, everyone else was expendable.

Spike had changed since then, and Buffy, too, felt like a different person from the girl she'd been the last time she was here in this church. She'd been so young... so naive. Her world had revolved around Angel, being with him and keeping him safe were all she thought about; she'd been ready to kill Spike to prevent him from hurting Angel. Buffy was relieved now that she hadn't gone right back into the church and made sure Spike was dead; she hadn't staked Spike... she'd only crippled him.

Knowing what Spike must've been thinking about when he was here not a half hour ago increased Buffy's dread. Worrying about which Spike she'd get -- evolved, thoughtful, romantic, loving Spike or evil, hateful, cruel Spike, like the one in her dream -- when he finally did call or approach her, was going to drive Buffy crazy. Buffy took a deep breath to try and stay calm, then sent a silent prayer to the PTB, begging them to make that nightmare she’d had just a dream, not a portent of things to come.

Buffy looked around as best she could and yelled Spike's name a few times without getting a response. "If you're here and just being lurky... come out and let me explain what happened last night." She sighed. "But you're not here, and I'm talking to myself again... and I called Dru insane..."

Buffy called Willow and told her the bad news.

"I'd do another spell for you, but I really have to get to class," Willow apologized. "I wouldn't go, but we're having an exam today..."

"That's okay... Put the poem somewhere safe until I can come and get it."

"You don't want me to do the spell again after class?"

"No... twice is enough. I'll just... try to wait for Spike to let me know when he's ready to talk," Buffy said forlornly. She decided to stop chasing Spike all over town. He obviously hadn't been attacked and wounded by an unknown party, he was moving around town fast. That meant he just didn't want to talk to her. Buffy would have to be patient and understanding and let him come to her... though she was afraid of what he'd say when he finally chose to speak to her. Buffy had trouble waiting for anything, she much preferred to take action instead of sitting around -- that was another thing she had in common with Spike.

Willow spoke, bringing Buffy out of her thoughts. "We were gonna go to the Bronze tonight for an 'after exam' celebration, you want to meet us? I can give you the poem back there."

"I'm really not in a dancin' kinda mood, Will."

"Yeah... I guess not. Sorry. What about the Magic Box? You could stop in and --"

"Uh-uh." Buffy shook her head, though Willow couldn't see it over the phone. "No way am I facing Xander with things being the way they are with me and Spike. I'll likely kick him in the 'nads if he laughs or seems happy about it... then Anya would freak out... it wouldn't be pretty."

"Ah, okay... right, no Magic Box."

Then Buffy reconsidered about the Bronze, thinking that maybe Spike would be there. It wouldn't be a case of her chasing him down if she 'just happened' to be there at the same time as him. "What time were you going to the Bronze? I could stop by before patrol."

"Around eight o'clock."

"Okay, I'll see you then. Thanks for the help, Willow. I really appreciate it."

"I just wish my help was... you know, helpful," Willow said with a sigh.

"What you've done has been helpful," Buffy assured her. "I'm not afraid someone or something hurt Spike at the crypt after I left. I'm the only one who hurt him... Spike must've caused all that damage I saw himself. So now I'm not worried that he was attacked, I'm just worried I hurt him so much that I made him go crazy. I seem to have that effect on men... and not in a good way."

Willow's heart went out to Buffy, she wished she could do more to help her friend. "I could do a spell that would keep him from leaving wherever he is until you get there," Willow ventured. "It would freeze him -- not the cold kind of freezing -- to the spot he's standing on until I release him."

"Can you imagine how pissed Spike would be about that?" Buffy asked, shaking her head no. She remembered Spike taking strong objection to them suggesting using a truth spell to make him remember and divulge details about the Initiative; Buffy knew he wouldn't take kindly to being manipulated by magick. And then she'd have a whole new subject to have an unpleasant discussion with him about -- she had enough of those already. That night at the mansion, Drusilla hadn't thought twice about manipulating Spike (physically or psychically), Buffy didn't want to be guilty of that; she never wanted to hurt Spike again. "It's tempting to make him stay where he is until I get there, but it would only make things worse... if that's possible."







That night, Buffy got to the Bronze at 8:30. Spotting Willow and Tara, she went over to their table and sat with them. After the usual 'hellos' and 'how are yous', Willow gave Buffy the poem back, apologizing again for not being able to help her find Spike.

"You tried," Buffy assured her as she carefully tucked the poem back into her wallet. The poem might be the only thing Spike ever writes for her, it may be the only piece of his heart she’ll ever have now... she wanted to protect it. If only she’d worried about protecting his actual heart as much... if only she’d realized she loved him sooner... if only she’d been strong enough to fight Evil Twin Buffy and Insecure Buffy or...

"You haven't heard from Spike yet, huh?" Tara brought up the subject with a sympathetic frown, pulling Buffy from her thoughts.

Buffy shook her head. "Nothing. I don't know what to do... I can't stand the thought that he's out there, somewhere, hating me or thinking I hate him. But he could just need some time before he feels ready to talk to me about what happened, and if I track him down before he's ready it might make things worse."

Tara and Willow sighed and nodded, not envying the Slayer her position.

"I was kinda hoping I might see Spike here tonight," Buffy admitted, glancing around. "But I have patrolling to do, I can't sit here all night waiting to see if he comes or not." She felt guilty seeing the mopey expressions on her friends' faces, she didn't want to depress them too. Buffy joked, "Maybe I should set up a box trap using a blooming onion and spicy wings as bait to lure Spike out from wherever it is he's hiding."

The witches smiled, glad that Buffy was trying to keep her sense of humor.

"We'll call you right away if we see him while we're here," Tara promised.

"Uh-oh..." Willow muttered, looking over Buffy's shoulder nervously.

Buffy looked where Willow's eyes were directed and saw Xander approaching their table. She groaned, closed her eyes and let her head droop down.

"Please don't kick him in the... um... privates, Buffy," Willow pled anxiously, afraid Xander would say or do something stupid again... the odds of that happening were pretty good.

Buffy looked up at Xander as he got to the table. "No promises."

"Hello, ladies." Xander sat down with them. Anya was working, so he was glad to see his friends here; it was depressing to be at a club all by yourself. And Xander was glad to see Buffy in particular, he needed to talk to her. "Any good bands playing tonight?"

Buffy sighed. He hadn't started an anti-Spike rant yet, but she knew it was just a matter of time. "Not in the mood today, Xander. Don't start."

"What? All I said was..." Xander paused, seeing how tired and unhappy Buffy looked. "I wasn't going to start anything, Buff. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great. I've gotta get going." Buffy started to stand up.

"Wait, Buffy." Xander motioned for her to sit back down. "I promise I won't argue with you again, but there is something I need to say."

She sat back down and crossed her arms. "What?"

Xander began to talk, then cleared his throat and started again. "I wanted to, uh, tell you I'm sorry about yesterday."

Willow and Tara both slumped a bit in relief; they'd been certain Xander was going to say some unkind things about Spike again. And, with the mood Buffy was in, he surely would've gotten knocked on his ass for it.

Buffy raised her eyebrows, wondering if he truly was sorry and what exactly he was sorry for. She stayed quiet, letting him continue, sure that if she gave him enough rope, he'd hang himself with it -- he usually did.

"I... I acted like a jackass. I swear, my motives were good, but... I didn't mean to get you so upset."

"You deserved to get punched, you know that don't you?" Buffy asked. "If someone said things like that to you about you and Anya, you wouldn't've let them get away with it."

"Yeah..." Xander looked down guiltily. "I got... carried away. I wanted to make Spike attack me so you'd see the real him."

"That was so stupid, Xander." Buffy shook her head. "And it was really insulting to me -- like I'm too stupid to choose my own boyfriends? You really don't think I've thought about the possible risks and dangers of getting involved with Spike? It was like you were spitting in my face."

"I know what I did was stupid... and disrespectful to you, and I really am sorry for it. I still think you dating Spike is a mistake..." At Buffy's dark expression, he quickly added, "But that's your choice, not mine. You've been good to me and respected my decisions, so... that's what you deserve from me too."

"Well, it's about damn time you started thinking that way," Buffy snapped testily. Then her expression softened as she realized it was a good thing that Xander was at least apologizing for what he did. Nothing would ever get any better if she acted all huffy and unforgiving. "...Better late than never, though. I hope this means you're not going to give me a hard time about Spike anymore and you'll be nicer to him?"

Xander nodded. "I'll find a way to get along with him. The only reason I did what I did was... I'm afraid you're going to get hurt again, Buffy. You've been kicked around so much... I was trying to protect you the only way I could."

Buffy smiled sadly. She knew Xander loved her; they were more than friends, they were family. His heart might've been in the right place, he'd just gone about it in a really stupid, mean way. "Oh, Xander," she said, patting his hand on the table, "you sweet, stupid, misguided ass."

He looked at her questioningly, not sure if she was forgiving him or just insulting him. Well, she said he was 'sweet', that part was good.

"I love you for wanting to protect me, but I'm a big girl. I'm capable of choosing my own boyfriends and what's best for me. You can't treat me or the man I love like that, Xander. You have to at least be civil to Spike or I'll go completely insane."

Xander's face went blank. "Did you say 'the man I l-lo'..." He couldn't quite get his mouth to form the words.

Buffy hadn't meant to admit that in front of Xander, but it felt so natural to say it now. After the breakthrough with Tara last night, Buffy had no trouble saying it out loud (and, more importantly, really feeling it). She'd find out for sure if Xander meant what he'd said, now that the 'love' cat was out of the bag.

"Yeah, I did. I realized I'm in love with Spike last night. Got something smart or mean to say about it?" Buffy challenged, raising an eyebrow. "Was your apology and promise just some bullshit you said to make me not mad at you anymore?"

Xander took a few moments to gather his composure. He couldn't let his emotions take over his mouth, he'd say something to upset Buffy again. He thought, 'Oh God, what I did made her feel closer to Spike... I think I'm going to be sick... I pushed her right into his arms! Nice goin', Xander, you idiot! I've got no choice now, I have to... accept Spike or I'll lose Buffy as a friend.'

"I don't have all night, Xan." Buffy looked at her watch then back up at him expectantly.

"You l-love him, huh? That's... something." He swallowed hard. "I'll really try to get along with him... for you."

"Thank you," Buffy replied. She really hoped he meant it. But Xander's reluctant acceptance might be for nothing, Spike might not even want her anymore... like in that horrible nightmare.

"Are we cool again?" Xander asked hopefully.

Buffy smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we're cool. But you have to apologize to Spike too -- and you still owe him a pint of blood or beer from the last time you owed him an apology."

Xander grimaced for a second at the thought of apologizing to the snarky vamp, but he nodded. "Yeah... I'll apologize with the actual words 'I'm sorry'. Is he here?" he asked nervously, looking around. Part of Xander still railed against apologizing to Spike -- it just didn't seem right -- but in the interest of keeping peace, he'd do it. It was going to be hard to not bash Spike's head in when he smirked that self-satisfied, annoying Spike-smirk of his...

"No, Spike's... Spike's doing his own thing tonight," Buffy hedged. "It's good for couples to spend a little time apart, it makes them... miss each other." She didn't feel confident enough to tell Xander what was really going on with her and Spike. He still might smile and she still might have to kick him in the balls. Buffy gave Willow and Tara a look that said 'I don't want Xander to know what's going on', and they nodded to show they got the message.

Xander joked, "Y'know, I thought about calling you on your cell phone last night to apologize, but I couldn't remember your number. The only number I could think of was 867-5309 -- damn that Tommy Tutone."

Buffy smiled and snorted softly, laughing along with Willow and Tara. Everyone relaxed a bit more and they got a round of drinks. Buffy thought it couldn't hurt to hang around the club a little longer, just in case Spike got peckish for one of those onion thingies.

"Buffy, can I ask you something?" Xander asked. She nodded. "You weren't really going to get in Anya's face last night, were you?"

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "No, I wouldn't've said mean things to Anya because of what you did. I was just... angry and frustrated. I wanted to scare you and make you think about how unfair you were being to me and Spike."

"You definitely scared the bejeezus outta me... And then Tara, Willow, and Giles said some stuff to me," he said, glancing at the two witches. "One of the nicest people I've ever met pretty much called me an asshole, that kind of thing makes a guy think."

Tara blushed and looked down, still surprised with herself that she'd had the nerve to say what she did to Xander. She was glad she'd said it, though.

Xander finished, "I did do a lot of thinking after that."

"You still hate Spike and think he's all wrong for me though, right?" Buffy asked.

"Well..." Xander stopped himself from saying 'That's right, I hate Spike and you're way too good for an evil, undead jerk like him'. "I told you I'll be... friendly. I'm going to keep my eye on Spike, but I won't push him like I did yesterday. No more fighting, that's my promise to you. I don't want to upset you again, and... I guess, since he says he loves you, Spike feels the same way."

Buffy sighed, and said, "Spike and I talked about this before and he told me how it is between you and him. I know you and Spike have a... complicated relationship, and I know you two enjoy sticking it to each other at every opportunity, so I'm --"

Xander held up his hands. "Whoa, what's Spike been telling you? I do not enjoy, nor have I ever, stuck it to him -- or vice versa!"

Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. Why do men automatically think everything is about sex? "'Sticking it to' -- as in insulting and being mean to each other."

Xander relaxed and lowered his hands. "Oh... okay, yeah... we do do that a lot."

Willow lightly kicked Xander's leg under the table, looking at him with her red brows knit.

"Ow!" Xander frowned and rubbed his leg. "Hey, what was that for?!"

"Are you saying there's something wrong with two people of the same gender 'sticking it to each other' in the other sense?" Willow asked accusingly.

"N-no... of course not! There's just something wrong with me and Spike sticking our... uhhh... sticking anything anywhere near... each other," Xander stammered. 'Other than a pointy stick...' his mind added involuntarily, making him wince at the visual that conjured up.

"Can someone start talking about something else please? Here are a few, more pleasant subjects we can discuss: war atrocities, dead puppies, or how I walked in on my parents playing naked Twister when I was eight and the resulting nightmares I had because of it."

Willow giggled. "You're so easy to guilt! I was just kiddin'."

"You're pure evil, Will," Xander said, shaking his head. "It's not nice to guilt us poor straight people."

"Okay guys, I've gotta go for real this time." Buffy stood up from the table. "The town ain't gonna patrol itself... be nice if it did, though."

"You want some company?" Xander asked.

"Thanks, but I'd rather go it alone tonight. See ya, guys." They said goodbye as the Slayer made her way through the club.

Before she went for the front door, Buffy took a detour to the bar. It wouldn't hurt to ask a bartender if they'd seen Spike.

A female bartender with short, black hair and a nametag that read ‘Bridget’, asked Buffy, “What can I get you?”

“Uh, hi. I don't want a drink. I have a question, if that’s okay?”

Bridget shrugged. “Shoot.”

“Do you know a guy named Spike? He comes in here a lot.”

“Spike?” The bartender thought about it as she fixed a drink for another customer. She shook her head. “No, don’t think so. Sorry.” She started to turn away.

Buffy added, “He's a British guy with platinum blond hair, he's fond of spicy wings and blooming onions. Usually wears a long leather coat?”

The bartender smiled. “Oh, that’s Spike? I never caught his name. Mmmhmm, of course I remember him. The hair, cheekbones, accent, and those heavenly blue eyes -- how could I forget him? He’s sex on a stick.”

Buffy pushed aside the jealousy that rose up inside her at the woman’s obvious attraction to Spike. “Yeah... he’s a hottie. Have you seen him tonight? I’m looking for him, it’s important.”

"He was in here a little while ago, maybe a half hour."

“Dammit,” Buffy muttered under her breath, slapping a hand down on the bar. “Did you talk to him?”

“I served him a beer, that’s about it. It didn’t seem like he was in the mood for conversation, he looked pissed off about something. He usually flirts and gives me a sexy smile to see if he can get a free drink, this time he was just... kinda broody. You know if he's seeing anybody? Maybe he just needs the right gal to come along and 'cheer him up', if you know what I mean." Bridget raised and lowered her eyebrows.

Jealousy burned in the pit of Buffy's stomach; she did not like the fact that Spike apparently made a habit of flirting with other women. And, of course, those other women responded favorably to the flirty-ness of a gorgeous English guy. Buffy got a mental image of herself punching Bridget in the throat and saying, 'Spike's mine, don't even think about touching him, bitch!' But Buffy made an effort to keep a friendly smile on her face and rein in her hostility. She needed information from this woman, and info would be hard to come by if Bridget was clutching her throat, writhing around on the ground and gasping for breath.

"Yeah, he's seeing me," Buffy answered, somehow still keeping a smile in place and managing to not sound as annoyed as she felt.

"Oh... well, congrats." Bridget sighed. "Sorry about that 'sex on a stick' comment... All the hot ones are either taken or gay. I should've guessed he wasn't available..."

Buffy reminded herself of her objective: To find Spike. Being jealous would have to wait. “You think he might still be here?” she asked as she looked around. Her pulse started to race, she might finally get to talk to Spike in person.

"I think he went out the side door, not sure though. I'm busy working, I can't just watch the hot guys all night -- as much as I'd like to. Now that would be a great job, huh? Good luck finding him." The bartender went to the other end of the bar to take more orders.

"Shit," Buffy mumbled. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to see over people's heads and hoping to catch a glimpse of hair as bright as the sun. But Buffy wasn't wearing heels, her shortness was a problem.

She thought, 'Maybe I can *sense* him if I concentrate? I was able to feel when Angel was around sometimes, maybe I can feel Spike too.'

Buffy closed her eyes and focused her mind on Spike. She pictured him smiling at her and couldn't help smiling a little herself. She recalled his scent, inhaling deeply through her nose. She extended her Slayer senses around her. But Buffy wasn't getting anything that said 'Spike' -- no tingles, no whiff, no nothing.

Buffy sighed and her shoulders drooped in disappointment -- she opened her eyes and blew out a long breath as she headed for the side door where Bridget said Spike had gone. She already knew Spike wouldn't be there, but she had to check anyway. As she expected, the alleyway was deserted. There were some cigarette butts near the mouth of the alley, Spike's brand.

Memories flashed in her mind -- this was the first place she'd spoken to Spike. After she'd killed that minion, Spike had emerged from the shadows, clapping his hands.

"Nice work, luv."

"Who are you?"

"You'll find out on Saturday."

"What happens on Saturday?"

"I kill you."

That hadn't been a very promising way to start their relationship...

Buffy remembered her first thought at seeing him, 'Hello, salty goodness!' That attraction had been squashed almost immediately, of course, once she'd understood that Spike was a new threat and not just some hot, new British guy in town. Over the years Buffy had gone from thinking Spike was gorgeous, to hating and fearing him, to tolerating (but still hating) him, to being back to thinking he's gorgeous, and now being in love with him. Spike's feelings for her had gone through the same kinds of phases, only he'd gotten there first and a lot sooner. Buffy's heart had finally caught up with his, but she couldn't find him to tell him.

"Dammit, Spike..." Buffy muttered as she walked out of the alley. "Where the hell are you?"







Buffy patrolled and did her job, but she was just going through the motions. Her heart just wasn't in slaying baddies tonight. She stopped to check the crypt again, but it didn't seem that Spike had been back since the last time Buffy was there.

Buffy took out her cell phone, leaving another message for him.

"Are you doing this to punish me? Then consider me punished! I've been sick worrying about you and what you'll say to me. I keep wondering if the right thing to do is call you and try to find you or if I should give you some space -- I still don't know which one is right.

"Not hearing from you is making me crazy, Spike... I know you must be angry and hurt, and I hate that I made you feel that way. We've been through so much together, we've both changed so much to get to where we are... don't let it end this way.

"Why is it that when I hated you I couldn't get rid of you -- but now that I... now that I want you around, I can't find you? Give me a chance to make it up to you. Do you want me to beg? Okay, I'm begging... please call me."

With a sigh, Buffy left the crypt and went home.







Buffy hung her jacket up on a hook near the front door.

Dawn was on her way up to bed when Buffy came in. "Hey, Buffy. Did you have a good patrol?"

"Yeah, I guess," Buffy replied unenthusiastically. "I dusted a couple vamps."

"Cool."

As Dawn continued up to her bedroom, Buffy took her cell phone out and checked for any messages from Spike again. Buffy paled and stared at the cell phone. "Oh no..."

Dawn stopped and turned on the stairs. "What?"

"My phone's dead... I forgot to charge it. Spike might've been trying to call me!"

Dawn wondered why Buffy seemed so upset. "He knows our regular phone number, doesn't he?"

"Did he call here?" Buffy asked desperately.

"No... I would've told you if he called. What's going on?" Dawn asked. "Don't tell me you guys are fighting again?"

"Go to bed!" Buffy snapped angrily.

"Geez, sorry! I guess that's a 'yes'." Dawn made a face at her. "Another misunderstanding, huh? What did you do to him this time?"

"Shut up!" Buffy scowled and went into the living room.

Dawn waited until Buffy disappeared into the other room before giving her the middle finger. If Spike were her boyfriend she was sure there would be no 'misunderstandings'... ever!

Joyce was watching TV on the couch, she looked up when Buffy came into the living room. "What are you and Dawn fighting about now?" she asked with clear disapproval.

Buffy plopped down on the couch, pouting and crossing her arms. "Nothing."

"I heard you say Spike's name, and you sounded upset."

Buffy sighed, sinking down onto the couch cushion. "He won't talk to me and it's driving me crazy, Mom." Buffy was just too tired and frazzled to pretend things were okay.

Joyce turned off the TV and turned to the side to face Buffy. "You want to tell me what happened?"

"I-I don't know if I can." Buffy fidgeted. "I'd feel... weird talking to you about it."

"Weird?" Joyce's concerned frown turned into a look of understanding. "Does the problem you're having with Spike involve... sex?"

Buffy fidgeted again, answering Joyce's question without words.

"Oh. I know it's weird talking to your mom about love and sex, I was extremely uncomfortable talking to my mother about things like that, too. But you can talk to me about anything, even things that might make us feel awkward." She reached out and put a hand on Buffy's shoulder. "I let you down before by not being able to give you advice, I don't want to do that again. You can talk to me, Buffy."

"Last night... I realized I'm in love with Spike."

"That's... well, I was going to say it was great... But something went wrong?"

Buffy sniffled. "I think Spike is either really angry and hurt or he hates me... I don't know which one because he won't talk to me."

Joyce was confused. "But... I thought Spike would be overjoyed if you told him you loved him. That seemed to be what he wanted most in the world when I talked to him."

"I didn't tell him yet. I didn't realize it until... later. I had a talk with Tara, she helped me figure some stuff out. But that was after... a bad thing happened." Buffy brought her legs up on the couch, progressively curling into a smaller ball.

"What happened, Buffy?" Joyce asked gently.

Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I made a fool out of myself. Spike and I were..." her eyes darted to and then away from her mother, "we were, y'know... fooling around." She ducked her head, feeling like she might (and kinda wishing she would just) burst into flame with embarrassment.

Joyce put aside her natural parental tendency to be squeamish at the thought of her baby having sex. She reminded herself that 'her baby' wasn't a baby anymore. She nodded then waited for Buffy to continue.

"It was great for a while... but then I totally wigged out. I pushed Spike away, I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I ran away like a stupid kid... Tara said I had a panic attack, I guess that's what I had."

"What made you panic?" Joyce asked.

"I couldn't stop thinking about the bad things that happened in my other relationships... I just kept hearing and seeing all the bad stuff that's happened until I couldn't take it anymore. I was afraid the same things would happen with Spike if I let myself get too close to him. I should just join a convent, I'm no good at relationships."

"Honey, you just had some bad luck, that's all. You're a beautiful, sweet, smart girl, the right man will see and appreciate how special you are."

"That's the thing... I found the right man and I pushed him away. I've called Spike, I've searched around town for him... he doesn't want to see or talk to me. For all I know, he could've left town by now. He looked so hurt and afraid when I ran away... I see that look on his face every time I close my eyes."

Joyce hugged her. Buffy leaned against her mother, resting her head against her shoulder like she'd done when she was a little girl and needed comforting.

"Oh sweetheart, it'll be okay," Joyce said, stroking Buffy's hair. "Sometimes when men have their egos bruised, they have to go off somewhere and lick their wounds for a while. But I believe Spike will be back. You'll have your chance to explain, and, if he's the man you think he is, he'll understand."

Buffy sniffled, nodding slightly and telling herself it would all work out somehow and trying her best to believe it.

"Does the thought of letting yourself be close to Spike still scare you like it did last night?" Joyce asked, still soothingly stroking Buffy's hair.

"Yes and no... I know I love him now, there's no going back from that, but I'm still afraid I'll get my heart broken again. I don't know what I'll do if I lose Spike."

"I was married to your father for seventeen years, and I was absolutely terrified about having to start all over again. I didn't feel pretty or the least bit desirable. I didn't think any other man would ever want me -- and if one did, I didn't know if I could ever trust someone like I trusted Hank in the beginning. I know how getting hurt or betrayed makes you want to avoid putting yourself out there again."

"What gave you the courage to try dating again?" Buffy looked up at her. She wanted to ask, but didn't, if her father had cheated on her mom with another woman. Buffy didn't want to think even less of her father than she already did.

Joyce sighed. "I don't know... I guess I just didn't want to shut myself off from that part of life. The need to love and be loved is one of the things that makes us all human. If we don't take the risk of getting our hearts broken, we won't get hurt -- but then there's also no possibility of closeness or love. You have to risk the bad to have any chance of the good, Buffy."

Buffy nodded. She was still scared, but ready to take that leap of faith. She was now more afraid of losing Spike than she was of getting hurt. "I've also worried about how... y'know... experienced Spike is compared to me. I want everything to be perfect... I don't want to let him down."

"Oh..." Joyce cleared her throat, pushing those unsettled Mom feelings away again; her daughter needed advice. "You're afraid you'll be... not good?"

Buffy nodded again, not able to look her in the eye. "Um, actually... rewind! Forget I said that -- we can talk about something else."

"No, if that's bothering you then we can talk about it. While I'm sure that's part of what Spike wants, I don't think that's all he wants from you. You don't have to be 'perfect', Buffy. I got the impression that what would make Spike happiest is for you to show you trust him enough to be vulnerable with him. He put his feelings out there... he opened up to you and made himself vulnerable," Joyce pointed out.

"Yeah... but being vulnerable is scary for me," Buffy admitted.

"It's scary for everyone, honey... you just have to go on faith, trust that he won't hurt you," Joyce advised.

Buffy sighed and rubbed wearily at her eyes. "I do trust Spike, and I'm as ready as I'm ever gonna be to be Vulnerable Girl. But now that I'm ready, he's nowhere to be found... he's probably off somewhere sticking rusty pins in a little Buffy-doll. He hates me, I just know it -- he may never talk to me again, and I really can't blame him. I have the worst damn luck..."

"He'll be back, honey," Joyce reassured her. "I doubt Spike hates you and never wants to speak to you again because of what happened. The things he said when I questioned him about your relationship... that wasn't a man who was going to give up. Love like that doesn't just disappear because of an unpleasant experience, and I do believe he loves you. I don't know what's going through Spike's head right now, but I know you'll hear from him or see him again soon."

"I hope you're right."

They were quiet for a minute.

Joyce asked, "Did I tell you I might be getting asked out on a date soon? I'll be taking another one of those leaps of faith."

Buffy smiled and pulled away to look at her mother. "No, you didn't tell me. That's great, Mom! Is it a cute doctor you met at the hospital? If he's a cute, rich doctor, you have my permission to marry him. And try to slip into conversation that I never got the pony I wanted when I was little." Buffy winked at her.

Joyce laughed and shook her head. "He's not a doctor, but he is cute. His name's Brian and he works at a publishing house. I met him the other day when I stopped in the gallery to say hello to everyone. I must've looked like I was working because he came up to me and asked a question about these antique cameos. I didn't know anything about them, Carol's done the ordering while I've been out sick. But he didn't know anything about them either, so we had a lot to talk about."

"Did he ask for your number?" Buffy sat Indian-style next to her on the couch, happy and interested to hear this news. For a few minutes, she had something good and positive to think about instead of dwelling on her own problems.

"I think Brian's a little shy, which is so adorable. It turns out he's friends with Carol," Joyce explained. "She wants to play matchmaker; she invited me out to dinner with her, her husband, and some friends -- including Brian -- tomorrow night. She said Brian likes me." Joyce suppressed a girlish giggle. There was nothing like an attractive man taking an interest to make a mature woman feel like a blushy schoolgirl again. "Carol also said I should expect him to ask me for a date by the end of the night."

"Ooh, he likes you," Buffy teased, poking Joyce on the arm. "So, I take it you said yes to the dinner invitation?"

Joyce nodded. "It's been a while since I had a night out or got together with my friends... and it's been even longer since I spent time with a handsome man. I'm looking forward to it, but it does make me kinda... shaky."

"It'll be fine, Mom," Buffy said, giving Joyce's knee a pat and a rub. "And you so deserve to go out and have fun."

"However things turn out with Brian -- if we make a love connection or we find out we don't like each other as much as we thought we would -- I'm going to take the risk, because that's living. Life is full of danger and pitfalls and possible heartbreak... but there're so many good things too. If we don't take chances, we never find out what might've been. Life really is too precious... too short, to not take those chances while we can. If you don't reach for the brass ring, you'll never have any chance of grabbing it."

Buffy smiled, knowing her mother was right. And if her mom was brave enough to keep taking chances (after a divorce, and a brain tumor), then Buffy could follow her example and live while she had the chance... reach for that elusive brass ring of happiness.

"Listen to me..." Joyce sighed, shaking her head. "We're supposed to be talking about the things that are upsetting you, and I'm going on and on about a possible date."

"It's okay, Mom. It's more than okay. You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you talking about regular stuff like cute guys and possible date-age." Until Joyce had gotten a clean bill of health, Buffy was afraid her mother would never get to resume a normal life... let alone start dating again and going out with her friends. Her mother's life wasn't all hospitals, doctors, medications, and tests anymore. This was a very happy occasion.

"It's nice to talk about things that have nothing to do with hospitals," Joyce joked.

Buffy nodded in agreement.

"It feels great to be getting back to my old self again." Joyce held Buffy's hand, her eyes getting a bit shiny. "I couldn't have gotten through the last few months without you, Buffy. You've been wonderful -- I'm so proud of you for how strong you were for me and your sister. You had us and the house to take care of on top of your Slayer duties, and school... I don't know how you managed. I'm so sorry I had to put you in that position."

Buffy's eyes were getting a bit shinier too, she gave Joyce's hand a gentle squeeze. "Please, Mom, it's not like you chose to get sick." College hadn't been a priority for Buffy for some time now; at best, she went to a few classes a week. And when she did go, she felt completely lost and out of sync with the other students. But, as much as she regretted not living the college life, being close to home with her mom and Dawn was the most important thing right now -- school had taken (and would take) a backseat in Buffy's life a while longer. Her mother was almost all better now, but Buffy figured she'd better wait until the situation with Glory was settled to resume going to classes full-time. "I'm just glad I could help. You're the one who had to go through the whole thing... I'm proud of you -- you're a tough chick."

Mother and daughter hugged each other.

"I love you, Buffy Anne. I'm lucky to have you for a daughter."

"Love you too, Mom," Buffy responded, her voice cracking with emotion.

"You need to talk about Spike some more?"

"No... I think I'm okay now. All I have to do is wait for that stubborn, broody vampire to finish licking himself -- licking his wounds, I mean -- and then I can try to fix the problems."

They released the hug and smiled as they wiped away their tears.

"So, you think you and your sister can whip up dinner by yourselves tomorrow?" Joyce asked.

Buffy rolled her watery eyes. "Mom, I've made dinner lots of times over the last few months. I'm a grown woman, I think I can make one little meal."

Joyce raised an eyebrow. "You want me to leave you money to get takeout from Madame Chow's?"

"Would you?" Buffy grinned. "Just because I can cook dinner doesn't mean I won't weasel out of it if possible."







Buffy took a bath and then got ready for bed. The talk with her mother made her feel more optimistic, but it was wearing off a little now that Buffy was alone with her thoughts and worries again.

She left another message for Spike, calling him from the regular phone in her room.

"Me again. My phone is recharging. I thought maybe you tried to call me... You can call the house if I don't answer my cell phone.

"If I don't hear from you by morning... well, I guess there's nothing I can do. It's been over twenty-four hours since I heard from you... can't you just call me to let me know if you're alright? Can't you do that one little thing for me? Maybe I don't even deserve that much... but... please, Spike, I'm really worried about you."

Buffy sighed heavily. "That's all I have to say... for now. Call me."

After plugging her cell phone into the charging unit, Buffy picked up Mr. Gordo and climbed into bed wearily. She turned onto her side, pulling her knees up to her chest, and hugged the stuffed pig tightly. It had always made her feel better to have her favorite stuffed animal with her, it reminded her of simpler times, when the hardest decision she had to make was whether to have Cocoa Puffs or Cocoa Crispies for breakfast and her biggest heartaches involved not having any Hershey's Syrup to go on top of her ice cream after dinner.

Buffy tried to clear her mind of conscious thought. The pitter-pat of raindrops on the window caught her attention.

"Raining again?" Buffy muttered. She didn't recall it raining as much as it had the past few days in Sunnydale; it certainly seemed to match her mood, though -- gloomy and gray. 'Spike's out in the cold rain alone again...'

She groaned and rolled over onto her other side. "He'll come to me... I just have to wait until he's ready," she tried to assure herself. Waiting really wasn't her strong suit, but she had made Spike wait... now it was her turn to find her inner Buddha and be patient.

Buffy started to drift off to sleep when she suddenly felt a tingle run down her spine. It was the kind of feeling she'd been hoping to get when she was in the Bronze looking for Spike. Could she be sensing that he was nearby?

Buffy jumped out of bed and went to the window. Condensation from the rain had fogged up the windowpane. She rubbed a clear circle in the glass with her hand and looked out at the tree she used to catch Spike under all the time.

Lightning flashed as she searched the area around the tree, hoping to see Spike. But there was no one there.

Buffy heaved a sigh, resting her forehead against the cool glass for a moment. "Guess it was just wishful thinking... dammit."

She got back into bed, holding onto Mr. Gordo and the hope that tomorrow would be a better day -- she'd get to talk to Spike. Buffy thought she'd have to fight the urge to punch him for making her a nervous wreck for an entire day. Nope, no punching or kicking (no matter how much she'd want to slap him by the time he finally came out of hiding). She would throw her arms around him and kiss him, and tell him that she loved him. They'll talk about what happened and why, Spike will understand about her fears and he will still love her.

Buffy dozed off, thinking positive thoughts.







Buffy felt someone kiss her shoulder. She gasped and turned her head to see Spike lying next to her in bed. He was under the covers with her and spooned against her back. He was shirtless, and bottomless too from what she could feel pressed against her butt.

Spike smiled at her as he continued pressing soft kisses to her shoulder.

"Spike... what are you doing?!" she whispered with wide eyes. Buffy was shocked to discover him in bed with her... but her body was already responding in a very positive way.

"What's it look like I'm doin'?" he asked with an amused smile, lifting his scarred brow. "Saw you lookin' adorable, all warm and cozy... snug as a bug, and couldn't resist climbing in with you."

"I-I couldn't find you, I looked everywhere... I thought you left me."

His fingertips stroked slowly up and down her arm, he kissed her cheek. "Shame on you, Buffy. You've gotta have faith. I'll always come back to you, pet. You should know by now, I can't stay away for long... I start havin' Buffy withdrawals. I love you... need you..." his voice became rough with passion, "...want you too bloody much to stay away."

"God, Spike... I want you too," Buffy breathed, turning over onto her back. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him desperately. "Is this... is this a dream?" she asked between kisses.

Yeah, Buffy realized, this was a dream. Spike wouldn't just sneak into her bedroom late at night, take off his clothes and get into bed with her -- especially not after how she'd freaked out when they'd gotten close to having sex last night. Buffy also knew she hadn't gone to bed nude, and yet she wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing at the moment.

Spike smirked and shrugged as he pulled the cover down to reveal Buffy's naked torso. "Dream or reality -- let's just go with it." He put his hand on her hip, skimming his fingertips up her body to surround a breast, then kneading it gently.

"I hope me realizing it's a dream doesn't make me wake up..." Buffy fretted. But a moment later she was swept up in another passionate kiss. This was a helluva lot better than her last Spike dream, she'd definitely go with this one. Her subconscious was finally giving her a break!

Buffy breathed in large gulps of air when Spike's mouth moved to her neck. He kissed and lightly sucked at the skin along her jugular vein.

"Do you trust me, pet?" Spike mumbled against her skin.

"Yes." Buffy moaned, running her hands over his back. She'd needed this so much -- feeling Spike on top of her, his smooth skin under her hands, his perfect, naked, muscular body pressed against hers, his scent surrounding her. "Trust you... love you."

Spike raised his head, looking at her with golden eyes. He touched his fangs with the tip of his tongue. "Still trust me?"

Buffy touched his cheek and gazed at his demonic visage. His amber eyes were kind of spooky and disconcerting at first glance, but Buffy could see Spike's love and passion for her shining in them. "Yes." She turned her head, exposing her neck to him. She had a feeling Spike would be able to bite her in this dream... but she trusted him not to do it. Hopefully, this dream version of Spike wouldn't turn on her like the last one had.

Spike dipped his head down, licking a long, slow line up the side of her neck. Buffy moaned and shivered, getting hotter and wetter by the second. There was a little fear, but that only made it more exciting. He gently took her earlobe between his sharp teeth and nibbled.

"I love you," Buffy whispered.

"Love you too, Slayer," he whispered back. Spike trailed his tongue back down her neck, continuing down to her breasts. After giving them a few licks and nibbles, his mouth moved down her stomach. "Need to taste you, Buffy," Spike murmured, then circled her belly button with his tongue.

Buffy parted her thighs, inviting him to move further south. Spike settled between her legs, placing kisses to her hipbones and massaging her thighs with his hands.

Buffy tapped on the top of his head. "Um, Spike?" She bit her lip nervously when he looked up at her. "I still trust you and everything, but... could you go back to your non-pointy teeth while you're down there? I don't want any unintentional piercings."

Spike laughed, morphing back to his human features. "Better?"

Buffy grinned and nodded. "Mmmhmm. As you were," she said, gently pushing his head back down.

"Ohh yes," Buffy moaned and wriggled at the first touch of his tongue on her slit. "Make love to me, Spike."

Spike growled lustily, taking her ass in his hands and driving his tongue into her channel.

Buffy gasped and arched her back. "Ohhh! Ohh good dream -- very good dream!" She continued to buck and moan wantonly as Spike fucked her with his long, nimble tongue. This was yet another wet dream where Spike went down on her... she mused that her subconscious must really want it. Her conscious mind wanted it too, of course, but it was the subconscious that kept reminding her about it.

"Ohh yes, Spike... Mmmmm, yes! Eat my --" Buffy turned her head to the side, her heavy-lidded eyes flying open when she saw someone standing next to the bed -- it was the Cheese Man. "Argh! You again! Get out of here!" Buffy yelled, swinging her right arm at the intruder. She wasn't able to hit him though, he was standing just out of reach.

Spike raised his head, looking confused. "What? You want me to leave?"

"No, him!" Buffy pointed to the mysterious Cheese Man while pulling the covers over her nakedness. "If you say something bizarre about cheese, I'm gonna --"

"The cheese stands alone," the man said enigmatically, shaking a slice of cheddar cheese at her.


Buffy woke up sweaty, alone, and very horny. She groaned. "That weird guy just had to show up and spoil a good dream..."


Chapter End Notes:
I slightly changed how Joyce met Brian (the unseen date from 'I Was Made To Love You').

I would've kept going with this chapter but it was already super-sized lol We'll get to Spike and see what he's been up to in the next one :)



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