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Tara knew she hadn’t spoken for at least a few minutes. She’d just sat there. Trying to take in everything she’d heard. Keeping her demeanor calm. Professional. Buffy had done all the talking. While William had just sat there. Silently. Wincing from time to time. Looking away. Until Buffy finally lapsed into silence.

“I’m glad you two decided to come here,” Tara said. Finally. Trying to salvage some positive from the clusterfuck she’d heard. “It shows me that you both still care. About trying to make this marriage work.”

“At least one of us does,” Buffy sniped. Folding her arms across herself.

William sighed heavily.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know what I did… it was wrong.”

“Wrong?” Buffy asked. Incredulously. “Wrong doesn’t even begin to cover it, Will. You had no right.”

“I know,” William said. Sounding exhausted.

“Do you?” Buffy asked. “I feel violated Will. Do you know how that feels? To feel violated?”

“No,” William said. Heavily. “I’m sorry, okay? I fucked up. I did.”

“I can’t believe you would do that to me,” Buffy said. Her lip quivered. “To us.”

“I….” William began. Then lapsed into silence.

“I was wrong,” William exhaled. Deeply.

“But you weren’t honest with me either.”

“I wasn’t honest with you?” Buffy asked. Disbelievingly. “How?”

“I asked you what happened,” William said.

“And I told you…” Buffy began. Her voice rose an octave.

“It was just sex,” William snorted. Derisively. “Yeah. Try another one, luv.”

“It was!” Buffy protested. “It was just sex. Good sex. But just sex, Will. Nothing more.”

William said nothing. His lips turned pencil thin. Tara could see the disbelief written across his face.

“I just can’t understand why you’d ever watch that video,” Buffy said. “Explain it to me, Will.”

William hesitated. Then removed something from his pocket. And handed it to Buffy. It was a scrap of paper. Put back together after it had been torn to pieces. Buffy recognized the writing. It was hers.

I have to go Will. Just for a little while. And then we’ll be free. For the rest of our lives. You’ll always have my heart and soul. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. B

“It’s the letter I wrote,” Buffy explained to Tara. Haltingly. “Last year. Before I…. went away. With Xander.”

“What did you feel when you found the letter?” Tara asked William.

“Hurt,” William said. He paused a moment. “Abandoned.”

“Abandoned,” Tara said. Softly. She paused. As if to let the word sink in. “Tell Buffy what you’re afraid of, Will.”

“Losing you,” William said. Softly.

“Losing me?” Buffy asked. Looking flummoxed.

“I was afraid you’d leave me,” William added. “That one day, you’d wake up and realise… I’m not good enough. Smart enough. Rich enough. Not nearly enough. Not worthy of you.”

Buffy just exhaled.

“I love you, Will. I wanna be with you. Hell, I married you twice!” she said. Shaking her head. Emphatically. “What more do I need to do?”

“Be honest with me,” William said.

“I was,” Buffy said. Defensively.

She turned to Tara for assistance.

“Were you?” Tara asked. Pointedly.

“Excuse me?” Buffy asked.

“William clearly doesn’t think so,” Tara said.

“I….” Buffy said. Gaping at Tara. “Why am I being attacked? I’m not the one who…”

“No one is attacking you,” Tara said. Gently. “I just want you to talk to each other. Really talk.”

“What do you want from me, Will?” Buffy asked. In exasperation. “Tell me.”

William hesitated.

“The truth,” he said. “About him. About what happened.”

Buffy pursed her lips now. Then sighed heavily.

“I told you it was just sex,” Buffy said. “Good sex. But just sex.”

A moment passed. Now, Buffy sighed heavily.

“Really good sex,” she admitted. “Okay?”

William flinched.

“Is that really what you think I care about?” Buffy asked. “Who has the bigger bank account? Who has the faster car? Who is better in bed? Do you think I’m over here keeping score?”

“No,” William said. “It just…it just hurts that he…”

That Xander had held Buffy in his arms. His Buffy. That he’d made love to her. Undoubtedly more than just once. The knowledge had been tearing William up inside.

“And you…” William finished.

Worse had been the nagging suspicion that she – his wife, his soulmate, the woman he loved – had found the experience pleasurable.

“Is that what this is about?” Buffy asked. Acerbically. “That I enjoyed myself?”

William bit his lip. Looking guilty.

“Well, god forbid a woman do anything other than just lay there,” Buffy snapped. “Someone alert the Church elders.”

“You looked like you were doing a lot more than just laying there,” William retorted. “Seemed like the two of you were having a right old time.”

“You had no right!” Buffy said. Vehemently. “None. Not after what you did.”

“I know,” William said. “You’re right. I just…”

“I should never have suggested going through with it in the first place,” Buffy said. “I know that. It was a mistake. I own that.”

“Thank you,” William said. Softly.

“But you have to let it go, Will,” Buffy entreated. “What happened between me and Xander… it happened. I can’t change that.”

“No more than you can change what happened between you and Faith,” she added. “We’ve both made mistakes. Hurt each other.”

“I know,” William said. “Don’t you think I’ve tried? To let it go? Not to think about it?”

“Try harder,” Buffy said. Heatedly.

They both lapsed into silence.

“This is good,” Tara said. “You’re talking to each other. Not at each other. Accepting responsibility for your actions.”

William shot her a skeptical look.

“There’s only one way to fix this,” Tara said. “For you two to connect… intimately.

William shifted uncomfortably.

“We haven’t,” he said.

“Not since…” she began.

“Intimacy,” Tara said. Tenderly. “Not sex.”

“Oh,” Buffy said.

“It’s okay,” Tara said. Smiling now. “People often seem to conflate the two.”

“What’s the difference?” William asked.

“Sex is physical,” Tara said. Pointedly. “Purely physical. A release in its primitive, least evolved form. The purely animal part of being human. Animalistic even. At least it can be.”

“That’s exactly what it was,” Buffy said. With emphasis. Waving her hands to make a point. “Purely physical.”

William knew his wife’s words had meant to soothe him. But her echoing Tara’s use of ‘purely physical’ hadn’t offered him a jot of comfort. And then there were the words Buffy had conspicuously ignored – ‘primitive’ and ‘animalistic’.

The likelihood that Buffy and Xander had engaged in such wild, wanton acts – uninhibited by his wife’s customary need to establish any real connection – left William feeling ill. He shut his eyes and rubbed his temples. Trying to clear his mind of such dark thoughts.

“Intimacy is deeper,” Tara added. Helpfully “It’s emotional. Even spiritual.”

Sounds like a gob of shite, William thought. Though he wisely kept that opinion to himself.

“I have to ask,” Tara said. Delicately. “How are you handling the situation with him? Legally, I mean?”

“We looked into getting a restraining order,” William said. Shifting uncomfortably. “Maybe filing a case.”

“But at this point,” Buffy sighed. “We don’t want…”

Anyone to know, Tara thought. Of course.

“Have either of you heard anything?” Tara asked. “A call? A message? Anything?”

William shook his head. As did Buffy.

“Toxic people like this thrive on conflict,” Tara said. Considering her words carefully. “Suck you into their world. On their terms.”

“Maybe the best reaction is no reaction at all,” Buffy said. To William’s ears, she sounded like she was trying to convince herself. “If we just ignore him maybe he’ll just get bored. Give up and go away.”

“Maybe,” William said. Though he sounded doubtful.

“But if he reaches out to either of you,” Tara said. Emphatically. “You need to talk to each other about it. Immediately. And be completely honest.”

They both nodded.

“May I make a suggestion?” Tara asked.

“Yeah?” William asked.

“I think you both should burn the letter and the USB,” Tara said. “Together.”

“Like here?” Buffy asked. “Now?”

“Think of it as a symbol,” Tara said. “Of letting go.”

Tara rose from her chair, then picked up the waste paper basket from the corner of the room and placed it in front of them. Then handed Buffy a lighter. And sat back and waited.

Buffy took in a little breath. Looked at her husband. Then, holding the letter aloft, set it ablaze.

She watched it burn for a bit, then dumped it in the waste paper basket in front of her.

“Will,” Buffy said. She reached out to offer him the lighter. He took it. Then retrieved the USB from his pocket. He held them both up. Then stared at the USB.

“Burn it Will,” Buffy said. Softly. “Let it go. For us.”

William looked at his wife for a long time. Then placed the lighter under the USB and lit it. They watched as it began to crackle and finally burn. Then William dumped it in the waste paper basket as well.

When William looked at Buffy, he saw tears running down her face.

“I love you,” Buffy said.

“I love you too,” William said.

“I’m sorry that I ever….” she began.

“Me too,” he said.

“Now comes the difficult part,” Tara said. Gravely. “I want you to go home and connect with each other. Like your marriage depends on it. Because it does.”

William and Buffy looked at each other. Feeling, for the first time in a long time, that they had a real chance to move past it.





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