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A/N Sorry about the delay I've had a killer week at work, deadline yuck

As always thanks to April my wonderful proof reader.

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Carlotta has his head cradled against her chest and is running her fingers through his hair, when the expected knock sounds against the door and Buffy's whispered voice calls through. "Hey, are you guys still up?"

He looks up at his lover and shakes his head, warning her to be silent, to let it be just this once. But she is hot-headed and stubborn when she has a mind to be, and she disentangles herself from him and gets up off the bed. "We're up," she calls. "Come in, Buffy."

He shoots her a murderous glance before turning warily to face the original slayer. "Xander's gone," she says pointlessly, but he understands her need to say something. "He was really upset. I don't think it's all about you, he just…" She trails off as if uncertain how to continue, or perhaps she has just run out of excuses for her friend.

"I think perhaps I will go and find Dawn," Carlotta announces. She gives his hand a firm, reassuring squeeze and abandons him to the inevitable confrontation. He crosses his arms and begins mentally counting down to the moment when she will unleash the worst of her disdain on him, waiting for the threats and abuse, waiting for her to start throwing punches and insults his way.

She surprises him with an awkward apology, "I'm sorry about Xander, he…"

"You taught them the tune slayer" he cuts her off; he is readying his defences, hardening himself against her. "Can't blame them now if they dance to it."

She doesn't answer, just gives thoughtful nod and sits down on the edge of the bed, patting the space next to her in invitation. "What happened?" she asks cautiously once he is beside her.

He glances at her then leans forward, elbows on his knees, to begin the story. "Guess you know all about Shanshu, right?" he asks rhetorically. "The vampire with a soul collects all his coupons and gets to be a real boy.

"Well, when yours truly turns up in LA, all soul-having and ready to atone, it seems the prophecy got its knickers in a right twist. Couldn't cope with two applicants or some such. There was this whole thing with reality unravelling and a cup of Mountain Dew." He waves off the question he can see forming on her lips. "Doesn't matter anyway, the senior partners managed to smooth everything over for a while, keep the fabric of the universe from breaking down and what all.

"Anyway, the night before the big showdown with Wolfram and Hart, I got to thinking, 'We got a bit of an apocalypse coming and two souled vamps lining up to get all pivotal with it,' so I went to see Wes. Not that Wes cared about much at the time, but he'd had the same idea, done a bit of bookwork and come to the same rather unpleasant conclusion.

"So I had myself a bit of a problem. Couldn't have two souled vamps in the big scrap. And I had to fight." He looks away as if embarrassed to admit this part. "These people were the closest I'd had to friends in a long time. So I did what I always do when I can't think what's right. I asked myself, 'What'd Buffy want me to do?'"

He can't help but give her a small nervous smile at the shocked look on her face. "So I got thinking about you, and Angel, and the Shanshu, and I realised I could give you something, something real."

She shakes her head, pretty face scrunched up endearingly in confusion, and he takes a deep, unnecessary breath and explains. "There was a vampire going to get human that night one way or another. It was just a matter of which one. So I thought of you and Angel and the whole nauseating star-crossed lovers thing you two got going, and I knew what to do for the best." Another deep sigh and he's ready to get to the good part.

"Wes helped me. He knew some people who knew a demon who knew a soul eater. We did the ritual in my apartment—well, basement—and bang, no more soul, no more problem. Reality got to stay ravelled up the way we like it, I got to star in the big fight scene, Angel got to be human, and you got Angel. All nice and tidy-like."

Her expression is priceless; he can see the wheels in her head turning. She is working through his little speech, filling in the blanks and joining the dots and all that bollocks. She is working her way slowly to the inevitable conclusion: that he gave up his soul for her, so that she could have her dream.

He holds the breath he doesn't need and waits for her reaction, unsure of what to expect. Tears? Gratitude? Maybe both. What he does not expect is a hard, stinging slap across his cheek.

She is on her feet glaring accusingly at him. "You did what? God, Spike, I expected better from you!"

Her reaction is so extreme, so completely nonsensical, that all he can do is shake his head and squint uncomprehendingly at her.

"How dare you? You of all people; God, I never thought you'd do that to me.” She is pacing angrily now, her whole body resonating with rage. It doesn't make sense, and suddenly he doesn't care; he's just as angry as she is, unreasonable little ingrate that she is.

"Do that to you?" he repeats incredulously as he comes to his feet and advances on her menacingly. "Do what, Buffy? Give up everything I had, everything I was, for you? Turn my back on all the things I wanted so you could have the things you wanted?"

She holds her ground, jaw set, eyes narrowed. "Decide for me. Go behind my back, make decisions for me like I'm some stupid little girl who can't think for herself."

"I gave you the normal life you wanted so bloody bad. Look at you now—living the sodding dream, you and Peaches doing the happily ever after. I made a choice, Buffy. A bloody hard choice just to be certain that you'd have this, that you could be happy."

"And what about my choice?" She is right in his face now, staring up fiercely at him. "Don't I have the right to choose?"

He steps away and gives her a look that says she is being deliberately awkward and obtuse. "Okay," he challenges. "Say I'd given you the choice: me or Angel, human and heading to Rome. Who would you have chosen?"

She swallows hard and there are suddenly tears brimming over in her big expressive eyes. She takes a shaky breath and looks directly at him through a blurring mass of tears, and she knows in this moment that he deserves an honest answer.

"Angel," she whispers hoarsely, "I'd have chosen Angel."

There are tears in his eyes now, too, turning the blue to liquid, and he doesn't speak for a moment, just shrugs and looks at her with and expression of bitter resignation. "There you go, then," he murmurs as he pushes past her.

She waits, holds her tongue until her whispered confession will be drowned out by the slamming of the door. Waits until he is sure not to hear her, because what good would it do anyway if he did. She screws her eyes shut against the tears that are flowing now in salty rivers of regret down her burning cheeks. "I'd have been wrong."

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A/N another short one I'm afraid but that was the natural place to break, theres lots more in the pipe line but I've gone back and done some re writing so it'll be a couple of days.

Thanks as always for the wonderful reviews, I'm happy everyone seems to be on the souless spike train.

Cheers Ahigh, Carlotta's been getting some stick over at BS central for being too perfect. I'm glad you're with me on the 'Spike deserves too perfect' line of thought xx

Ah ha CordyKitten I know what you want, you want nice fluffy romance before the end. I shall do my best to provide it, but there'll be more upset first I'm afraid. And that Spike chose to change Angel was forced to, why didn't anyone onthe show realise that?

Well Lizy can spankings ever be a bad thing? ;) Hey you let your soft mushy side out for a minute there and I thought you were a 'demented pervert' your words :)

Hello Ebontier glad youlike, hurting Angel hmm, I'll think about it. I'm sure it'd be a popular story line anyway ;)

Cecily ohh flattered . glad to see you're on board with the drag it out and make it hurt (oh no I think that's Lizy LOL). I've got quite a lbit of story panning out so it won't be ending anytime soon



Woa that was alot of reviews thanks so much kisses for all





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