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"Is it possible for us to learn to behave in a way contrary to the way we would normally? According to the theory of operant conditioning, the answer to this is yes. Through this type of conditioning, an organism will learn to modify its behavior in response to the comparison between the behavior enacted and the output received. Naturally, the organism will begin to act in the way that allows it to receive the most pleasurable experience."

Buffy slunk in her chair as she listened to Professor Walsh's lecture. Her mind wandered, unbidden, to Spike. Was that why she wanted him—because she'd found a more "pleasurable experience" than fighting him? Was she helpless against her own biology, "conditioned" to want Spike every time she saw him?

No, Buffy told herself, that couldn't be the case. She had free will, the ability to make choices. It didn't matter how pleasurable being with Spike was, it was very wrong, and not what she wanted.

Her gaze traveled down to Riley. What did she want? She had originally been drawn to Riley because she'd wanted a normal boyfriend, someone outside the world she occupied as the Slayer. But now that she'd found out Riley wasn't that, did she still want him? "Normal" or not, he was still good. He was strong, supportive, dependable. She knew she could trust and rely on him in a way she never could with Angel, even before Angelus had resurfaced. With Riley, she saw what could become a safe, comfortable, long-term relationship.

But was that what she wanted? Would getting seriously involved with Riley really mean giving up passion, fire, like she'd worried before? And if it did, was that something worth giving up for comfort and security?

Her mind went back to Spike again. He could make her melt more from a glance than Riley could from his most heated kiss. Now that she thought about it, no one since Angel had ever worked her up nearly as much as Spike did. Angel and Spike didn't have a lot in common—aside from the obvious. Was that what drew Buffy to both of them, the fact that they were vampires? Was she some kind of monster lover? Buffy felt suddenly sick to her stomach. She was supposed to kill vampires, not crave them like a drug. What was wrong with her? Surely none of the other Slayers had had this problem…

"Buffy? You in there, Buff?"

Buffy jumped at the sound of Willow's voice. "What?"

"Class is over. People are leaving. Thought maybe you'd like to follow their example."

"Oh. Right. Sorry. Something Professor Walsh said got me thinking."

Willow elbowed Buffy. "Sure. You were probably having another Riley daydream."

Buffy gave Willow a stern look. "Come on, nosy. Let's go back to the dorm."

Riley was waiting for Buffy in the hallway. "Hey! We're still on for tonight, right?" he asked.

"Tonight?"

"The Bronze. We were…"

"Rain check. Right," Buffy said. "I didn't forget, I swear. I just…temporarily misplaced the information in my brain."

"Sure. Pick you up at seven?"

"You bet."

"Great. I have some stuff to do now, but I'll see you then."

"See you then," Buffy echoed. Riley gave Buffy a wide smile before jogging off.

"So are things still good between the two of you?" Willow asked as she and Buffy began to walk.

"Of course! Why wouldn't they be?"

"You're seemed sort of on edge around him ever since," Willow lowered her voice, "ever since what happened with Spike."

"Ugh. Do we have to bring up that unpleasant subject?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm just worried about you. You said before that you thought the Mauruk bite was still affecting you. Is it now?"

"No! I am back to completely despising Spike. Riley is the only man I want. Spike bad, Riley good."

"Spike bad, Riley good? Have you been drinking?"

Buffy elbowed her best friend. "Shut up, Will."

"Hey, um, I'm going to be out of the room tonight—probably won't come back until morning. Just letting you know in case, you know, you and Riley wanted to, um…"

"Where are you going to be?" Willow asked.

"Do you remember my friend Tara from Wicca group?"

"Yes."

"I'm going over to her dorm. We're going to, um, practice spells." Willow blushed almost imperceptibly, and Buffy didn't catch it.

"Have a good time. But try not to do anything that leads to my impending nuptials, okay?" Buffy said with a wry smile.

Willow laughed for a second before sobering. "You know, I feel sorta guilty for that still, especially in light of recent developments. If I had never done that stupid spell, then maybe you'd never have had any kind of attraction to Spike, and things with the Mauruk wouldn't have gotten so out of hand."

"Don't worry about that. I've been attracted to Spike since the beginning." Buffy's eyes grew wide. "I can't believe I honestly just said that."

"Neither can I…"

"Can we forget I said it?"

"Buffy…"

Buffy looked away from Willow. "You must think I'm such a freak, getting all hot over monsters."

Willow raised her hand slightly. "Former werewolf lover here. Not really one to judge."

"That was different," Buffy said. "Oz was only a wolf sometimes. Spike is a vampire all the time."

"Oz was the wolf all the time," Willow said softly. "Just more so some times than other times. It's what really drove him away in the end."

"Spike doesn't have a soul. He's a cold-blooded killer. It's all he can ever be."

"He was always really sweet with Drusilla. And you saw how broken he was when she left him…"

"You mean when he had you and Xander held hostage in the factory?"

"Well, yeah. But…but that was pre-chip. And I'm not saying you should try for a relationship, I'm just saying maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for wanting him. He is kinda sexy—in his own sort of Spike way. Nice accent."

"I don't want him. It was just the Mauruk."

"But you just said…"

"Hey, look, it's our door!" Buffy said as she and Willow approached their dorm room. "Let's go inside!" She unlocked and opened the door. "I think I'm going to get a head start on my homework."

"Buffy, it's Friday afternoon. Even I don't…"

"I have a lot of reading," Buffy said. "I don't want to put it off until Sunday, and then have an apocalypse to stop and not get it done."

"Right. Well, I'm going to get my stuff together to go over to Tara's, and while I do that you can pretend to read so I'll stop asking you about Spike."

Buffy smirked. "Thanks, Willow. You're a true friend."

Willow smiled back as she went to her closet.

*** *** ***

"You look really beautiful tonight," Riley said, reaching across the table and taking Buffy's hand.

"Thank you. You look good yourself."

"Thanks." The music changed from something upbeat to something slow and sultry. "Do you want to dance?" Riley asked.

"Sure," Buffy replied.

Riley took her hand and led her to the dance floor. Buffy rested her head against his shoulder as Riley held her close, moving them in time with the music. Buffy thought back to Willow's suggestion that she and Riley take advantage of the fact that the dorm would be sans-roommate, and wondered if she should go for it. Surely being with Riley would make her stop wanting Spike. Riley would be a gentle and considerate lover, giving her exactly what she should want.

Buffy was pulled away from her thoughts by a beeping noise. Riley let go of her, clipping his pager off his belt and reading its message. "Buffy, I'm really sorry, but I have to go. Can we try this date again some other time?"

"Of course," Buffy said, forcing a smile. "Duty calls. That's something I completely understand."

"Thank you. One of these days, we'll get to finish a date, and I'll make this up to you, I promise." He gave Buffy a brief kiss before leaving her alone on the dance floor.

Buffy started to walk away as well, but was stopped when someone grabbed her, pulling her against a firm, masculine body. "Going somewhere, pet?"

Buffy's entire body felt suddenly overheated, despite the coolness now pressing against her. "Spike?"

"The one and only, luv." Spike smiled as Buffy didn't push him away, but began to dance with him, her movements reminding him of the first time he'd seen her.

She turned around in his arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Was having myself a drink when I saw your boy run off, and I thought to myself that it just wasn't right for a woman as beautiful as you not to have anyone to dance with." Spike omitted the fact that he'd been watching them since they'd gotten there, and the only reason he hadn't ripped out Riley's throat and dragged Buffy back to his crypt was that the chip wouldn't let him.

Buffy looked into Spike's eyes and felt their magnetic pull. His hands ran down her arms, and she trembled. "Willow…Willow's sleeping somewhere else tonight…" Buffy said nervously.

"Are you inviting me back to your dorm?" Spike asked, raising an eyebrow.

Buffy's expression turned coy. "I have a bed…"

"Do you now? Let's go test how sturdy it is."

Buffy giggled, the desire she felt for Spike pushing away all rational thought. "Okay."

Buffy walked with Spike out of the Bronze, feeling decidedly wicked.

*** *** ***

Buffy giggled as she worked the key in the lock on her door.

"What's so funny, kitten," Spike murmured, pressed up against her back.

"I feel like one of those bad girls that sneaks older guys into her room."

Spike smirked. "You are."

Buffy opened the door, pulling Spike in with her. "I feel like being a really bad girl tonight."

"Oh yeah? Maybe I'll have to punish you…"

Buffy felt a thrill run through her. During one of their times together, Buffy and Spike had discovered a loophole with the chip—as long as his actions were meant to bring her more pleasure than pain, then Spike could "hurt" her. Buffy knew that shouldn't excite her as much as it did—or at all for that matter—but at the moment, she didn't care. She met Spike's eyes and reached behind her, pulling the zipper of her dress down and letting the silk pool around her feet. She saw Spike suck in an unneeded breath at the sight of her. Buffy had told herself when she had been getting dressed that night that she was putting on something sexy in case things progressed with Riley, but now as she watched Spike's reaction to her red lace panties and matching bra, she knew she'd been, without realizing it, dressing for him.

"In over a century of existence, I've never seen anything as lovely as you," Spike said, his voice full of awe.

Buffy smiled wantonly, then got on the bed, leaning back on the pillows before beckoning to Spike with a crooked finger. Spike pulled his shirt over his head, and then stalked over to the bed, crawling his way up to Buffy. "Do you have any idea what you do to me, pet?" he asked, his voice husky.

"I have an idea," Buffy replied, grinding her hips against his denim-clad erection.

Spike grit his teeth. "I need you to touch me, Slayer. Need to feel those hot little hands on me."

Buffy reached down, unfastening Spike's jeans and taking him out. He hissed as she gripped him hard, the sensation skirting the line between pleasure and pain. She stroked him a couple of times before pulling back. Spike looked at her, his eyes dark and wild. "Why…"

Buffy put a finger to his lips. "Sit on the edge of the bed." Spike did what she asked without question. The look in her eyes promised he'd be glad he did. Buffy slipped off the bed and got to her knees in front of him.

Spike grinned down at her. "Now this is a position I like you in, Slayer." He stroked her cheek. "And before you say it, I'm a pig. I know."

Buffy smiled widely at him, and Spike felt more alive than he ever had before. She took off his boots before pulling off his jeans, leaving him completely bare to her eyes. Buffy stroked him a few times before leaning forward, taking as much of him in her mouth as she could. Spike moaned, his fingers tangling in her hair.

Buffy pulled back slowly, her teeth scraping over sensitive flesh. Spike's grip tightened in her hair as he cried out something that could've been her name. Buffy slid her mouth up and down leisurely, Spike's pleas for more falling on seemingly-deaf ears. Then, without warning, she sped up, cupping his balls tightly as she did, scraping them with her nails. Spike's eyes rolled back in his head as he fought against falling over the edge, wanting this pleasure to last as long as it could.

Buffy pulled back completely, letting him fall out of her mouth. She waited for him too look down at her. "Do it," she said, her breath hot on his damp skin. "I want to taste you, swallow you." She descended again, hollowing out her cheeks and sucking hard. Spike yelled gripping her shoulders, white knuckled, as he emptied himself into her willing mouth.

Spike managed to make it back to the pillows before collapsing. Buffy crawled on top of him, propping herself up on outstretched arms. "You better make with that fast vampire recovery, 'cause I'm still less than satisfied."

"After a blow job like that, pet, you have to give a bloke a second—vampire or not."

"But I want you to fuck me now, Spike," Buffy whined.

"And I'm good to go," Spike said, his erection springing back to life.

"Goody," Buffy said with a grin.

"I like these," Spike said, running his finger under the waistband of her panties. "Red's my favorite color."

Buffy grinned. "I know."

Spike slid Buffy's underwear down her body, using his feet to push them completely off. Buffy put her weight on one arm and stared to unhook her bra, but Spike stopped her. "No. Keep it on."

Buffy smiled at him, her hands moving to his chest as she slid back, taking him inside. She closed her eyes, a look of pure bliss on her face as he filled her. She moved slowly for a moment, letting herself stretch, before she sped up, pumping her hips wildly.

Spike reached up, caressing her lace-covered breasts. The harsh material rubbed her over-sensitized skin, and Buffy moaned, pushing herself into his hands. He raised his hips to meet her movements, breathing heavily, even though somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he didn't need to. But he wanted to. With Buffy, he wanted to forget he was dead.

Buffy felt like she was burning. It was more intense than anything she'd known. She opened her eyes, meeting Spike's and gasping. His eyes seemed so soft, his expression tender. "Buffy…" he whispered, moving a hand up to cup her face.

"Spike," Buffy replied, reaching up to take the hand from her cheek and hold it. She slowed her movements, gently rocking, her gaze never leaving his. She felt something building inside her, something she couldn't really describe, other than that it felt new and wonderful.

Spike reached between them, flicking her clit once, and she was gone. She came with a loud, keening yell, her muscles gripping Spike so tight his vision blurred. He thrust into her a few more times before coming himself.

Buffy collapsed on his chest. "Best…yet…" she said, her voice shaky.

"I second that." Spike reached up, stroking her hair. "You were bloody amazing, Slayer."

"So were you," Buffy admitted quietly. She sat up, wincing as he slid out of her. "I'm going to go down the hall to the bathroom. I'll be right back." She threw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt she had nearby and left the room.

Buffy was washing her hands in the communal bathroom when her next door neighbor came in. "Sounds like you had some fun," the girl said with a knowing smirk.

"Huh?" Buffy asked, looking up, her eyes wide.

"Yeah, like all that screaming and bed creaking could be anything else," the girl said. "Sounded hot. You go girl."

Buffy blushed. "Um, thanks." She hurried out of the bathroom, not able to look at her neighbor. When she got back to her room, Spike was lounging on her bed, still undressed.

"My neighbor heard us," Buffy said, whispering. "I just ran into her in the bathroom."

Spike smirked. "With your screaming, I'd think so."

"I do not scream" Spike raised an eyebrow, and Buffy sighed. "Okay, maybe I do."

"C'mere, kitten."

Buffy hurried over to him, hopping onto the bed, and snuggling in his arms. She knew this man should be her mortal enemy, but right now she felt too good care. He'd treated her better after sex than any other man had, and that bought him some respect in Buffy's eyes.

Spike was silent for a while, enjoying the feel of Buffy in his arms. He'd never thought that he could feel anything like this for the Slayer, but he knew now she was working her way into his heart. His fantasies of wooing back Drusilla had come to an abrupt standstill, replaced by nothing but fantasies of Buffy. She was unlike any woman he'd ever met, and as much as that scared him, he was unable to pull away. "What is this to you?" he asked after a few minutes.

"What's what?"

"Us."

Buffy's answer was so quiet that Spike was sure he wouldn't have been able to hear it were it not for vampire hearing. "I don't know."

"I like being with you, Buffy," Spike admitted. "You make me feel, well, really good. And I don't just mean physically. When you smile at me it…it makes me want to write poetry."

Buffy lifted her head slightly. "You write poetry?"

"Used to. When I was human."

"Was it any good?"

"Wonderful." Spike laughed at Buffy's incredulous expression. "Okay, that's a lie. It was awful."

Buffy laughed, too. "Couldn't have been that bad…"

Spike rolled his eyes, reciting in a monotone, "My heart expands, 'tis grown a bulge in it, inspired by your beauty, effulgent."

"It was all right until effulgent…" Buffy said with a smirk. "Okay, maybe the 'bulge in it' was a little lame, too."

"You wound me, Slayer," Spike said, although his smile said otherwise.

"Still," Buffy said, running her fingers up and down his chest, "Better than anything I could write."

"You don't need to write anything," Spike said. "The way you move when you fight—it's bloody poetry in motion. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

Buffy looked at him. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Dunno. Maybe you fucked the meanness right out of me." He wagged his eyebrows.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "There he is."

"There who is?"

"Pig Spike. I was about to go out and check for pods."

Spike chuckled. "No need for that. This is the real me."

Buffy regarded him for a moment. "Is it?"

Her intense gaze made Spike shift uncomfortably. "Yeah."

Buffy closed her eyes, settling down on his chest. "I'm tired."

"Get some sleep then, kitten," Spike said softly, holding her close.

"Good night, Spike."

"Good night, Buffy."

Spike watched her as she slept, a warmth seeming to spread through his whole body. Suddenly, something Drusilla had said before, when she'd left him for the chaos demon, came back to him.

"You're all covered with her. I look at you…all I see is the Slayer."

Spike knew then, knew what Drusilla had meant. In all her craziness, she was at times amazingly perceptive. "I'm in love with the Slayer," Spike said, the words sounding strange even to his own ears, but undoubtedly true at the same time. "Well isn't this a bloody joke."

He looked at the sleeping woman in his arms, and he felt his throat tighten. He wanted to hold her forever. But it would be sunrise soon, and he was sure Buffy wouldn't want him stuck in her dorm all day. She'd been warm to him tonight, but Spike knew his Slayer well enough to know that could change in an instant. He slipped out of bed, his long-dead heart breaking a little when she whimpered in her sleep and reached for the spot he'd vacated. Spike dressed quickly, not trusting himself to be able to go if he didn't do it now. He allowed himself one last glance at her before leaving the room.

*** *** ***

Buffy woke alone. It was the same way she always woke up, but this morning it felt wrong. Then she remembered why. Spike. The previous night had been incredible, with Buffy feeling like she'd seen him through new eyes. She'd thought that maybe she'd finally found a man who would stay with her through the night, but Spike had proven himself to be just like all the others. He hadn't even left a note.

Buffy sat up in the bed, pulling her knees to her chest as she cried. She hated herself, for thinking even for a second that she could feel anything for Spike, for forgetting he didn't have a soul. She wasn't sure what he'd gotten out of being so nice to her that night, but she was sure it gave him some sick sense of satisfaction. "He's probably off somewhere laughing at the stupid, gullible Slayer," Buffy said aloud the tears coming down harder.

The door opened, and Buffy looked up sharply. Willow walked in, the smile she'd been wearing falling away as she saw her friend's face. She shut the door and ran over to the bed. "Buffy! What happened? Did Riley turn out to be a jerk, cause…"

"Not Riley. Spike." Buffy let out a choked sob.

"Spike? Didn't we kinda already know he was a jerk?"

Buffy started to cry harder. Willow reached out, awkwardly stroking her hair. "I forgot, Will," Buffy said, sniffling. "Last night, Riley got called away, and…and Spike was at the Bronze. I invited him back to the dorm. I don't know why, I just wanted him. And we…we made love. And it was so beautiful. It wasn't like any of the other times. And afterwards he held me, and he recited poetry—his poetry."

"Spike writes poetry?"

"He used to. At least he said he did. He was probably lying, just trying to mess with me, like he was all night."

"What do you mean? Did he say something?"

"No! He didn't say anything! I…I woke up this morning, and he was just gone."

"Maybe he wanted to avoid the sun," Willow said. "Or…or he was afraid you'd get mad you opened up a little, and stake him."

"No. He didn't even leave a note. He left just like Parker, and just…just like Angel. He doesn't have a soul, Willow!" Buffy's sobs began anew.

"Want me to stake him?"

"No," Buffy said. She pulled away from Willow, wiping at her eyes. "As much as this hurt, it was good that it happened. Opened my eyes, reminded me who I'm dealing with. This isn't some sweet, potential boyfriend type guy. This is Spike. Nasty, evil Spike. I won't forget that again."

"If you need help remembering, I can write it on the back of your eyelids," Willow said with a tentative smile. "Or maybe make you a t-shirt."

Buffy chuckled. "Thanks for the offer, but I think the blindingly-painful memory of this morning should be enough, thank you."

"Okay, but if you change your mind on anything—staking or t-shirt—just let me know." Willow winked. "I got your back."

"Thanks, Will. You're the best friend ever."

"I really am, aren't I?"

Buffy laughed. "How about we go see if we can find some sort of ice cream that involves massive amounts of chocolate? I think I could use it right now."

Willow gave Buffy a quick hug. "Sounds good to me."

*** *** ***

This story is turning into a lot more than I was planning… Leave a review and let me know what you think!





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