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Spike woke sharply in a state of near panic. The last thing he remembered was his cell in the Initiative base, and now was in unfamiliar surroundings. He started to sit up when he realized something was pressed against his chest. No, not something. Someone.

Buffy…

Flashes of the previous night came back to him. Buffy had come for him, saved him, and…let him drink from her? It seemed like that part must've been a dream, but the hum in his blood told him that he'd recently fed from a Slayer.

Spike turned his head, looking at the Slayer in question. If she'd let him drink from her, then she had to trust him, didn't she? Spike frowned. Was that just him wishing for too much?

Besides, he thought, the chip would've stopped him from hurting her. Buffy had probably only done it because she knew she was relatively safe. But still, she'd rescued him, fed him with her own blood, and let him sleep beside her in her bed. That had to mean something, didn't it?

Spike watched Buffy for a while until her eyes finally opened. For a moment, she simply stared up at him, and Spike felt a wave of nervousness. What would happen now that she was awake?

Buffy smiled at him, reaching up to stroke his face. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

Spike was relieved that at least she wasn't screaming or throwing him from the bed. "Better."

"I was worried about you," Buffy admitted softly. "I knew something had happened to you, and I couldn't find you, and I…" She trailed off, tightening her grip on Spike, and burying her head against his shoulder.

Spike's shock over her response quickly shifted to elation at the thought that she actually did care. He stroked her back gently, murmuring comfortingly against her hair. "Shh…don't worry now, luv. I'm here. Everything's okay."

Buffy looked back up at him, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry it took me so long to figure out something was wrong. I…I should've come for you sooner."

Spike wiped a tear away as it rolled down her cheek. "You came. That's what matters."

"They were going to use you as a weapon," Buffy said softly. "They were starving you so they could unleash you on an enemy and turn off your chip."

Spike was surprised to note how much that horrified him. He was a vampire, and he'd fed on countless people, but the thought of being used like that… "You came to stop that, then."

"I came to save you. Stopping an evil government plot was just an added bonus."

Spike looked at her for a moment, trying to figure out exactly where he stood. When he'd last seen her, she'd wanted nothing to do with him, but now she seemed to be feeling something quite different. He decided to take the leap and ask her.

"Buffy, what do you feel for me?"

Buffy tore her gaze away from his then. "I don't know."

"Do you hate me?"

Her voice was barely audible. "No."

"Do you want me?"

Another whisper. "Yes."

Spike rolled them over, covering Buffy's body with his own. He smelled her immediate rush of arousal and smiled inwardly. Even when she denied the connection between them, her body told him the truth. He leaned down, his lips against her ear, and whispered smoothly, "Tell me what you want, kitten."

Buffy whimpered, lifting her hips slightly off the bed and grinding against him. Spike felt a rush of pride at how quickly and easily he could bring her to this point. "I want, I…oh, god."

"Say it, pet. Tell me you want me inside of you." Spike trailed his lips down, gently sucking on her neck.

Buffy cried out, her hips bucking again, this time more violently. "Want you inside me," she panted. "Want you inside me now."

Spike pulled up, quickly removing Buffy's clothes. He paused, taking in the sight he'd feared he'd never see again. Buffy looked up at him, her eyes dark with passion. She reached out, grabbing hold of his shirt. "Less staring, more ravishing," she ordered.

Spike chuckled, letting her pull off his shirt. He stood just long enough to remove his boots and jeans, then rejoined her on the bed. Buffy wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him down so their hips were flush against each other. Spike looked down at her with amusement. "Want something, Slayer?"

"Spike, I swear, if you tease me right now, I can't be held responsible for what I may do with pointy wooden objects."

Spike laughed, the sound a deep rumble in his chest. "I best not keep the lady waiting then." He pulled up slightly, rubbing himself against her entrance. He was amazed at how wet she was already, when he'd barely touched her. He slid just the head inside, wanting to take it slowly, but Buffy was too impatient for that. She pulled him down with her legs, crying out when she felt him fully inside her.

Spike stilled himself for a moment, her welcoming heat almost too much for him. Buffy thrashed beneath him, desperately trying to move his hips with her own, and soon he began to thrust with agonizing slowness. Buffy whimpered, wanting more. But Spike kept the slow, steady pace, torturing her with desire. "I need more, Spike."

"So do I, luv," he replied. "Tell me what you feel."

"I feel…I…oh, god, Spike, please!"

Spike increased his pace, but only slightly. "Tell me how I make you feel."

"Good," Buffy panted, unable to think of anything else. The slow burn he was creating inside her was all she knew.

"No."

Buffy opened her eyes in surprise. This wasn't good? She locked eyes with him and realized what he'd meant. "Spike…"

"Tell me how I make you feel, Buffy."

"Loved."

With that, he finally gave her what she needed, driving into her with a mind-numbing force until they fell over the edge together.

*** *** ***

Spike and Buffy lay beside each other in silence. Spike reached down, taking her hand in his. Buffy turned then, resting against his chest. She almost told him that the chip no longer worked, but stopped. What if that changed everything? Would he look at her the way he was now if he knew he could hurt her again?

Unaware of the resent change in his existence, Spike wrapped both arms around Buffy, kissing her hair. After a moment, he pulled away. "I need to know something," he said.

"What?"

"Where do I fit in your life?"

"I'm not sure of that myself," Buffy answered truthfully.

"You going to keep kicking me around in front of your Scoobies, then shagging me when their backs are turned?"

"They know. I came clean about us to all of them when we were trying to find you."

"I'm not your dirty little secret?" Spike paused, then asked again, "So what is this then?"

"I told you, I don't know."

"I need more than that! I need to know where I stand with you. I can't take this back and forth anymore. Either we are or we aren't."

"It's not that simple."

"I know you have feelings for me."

"I do," Buffy admitted. "But I'm not sure what we can have." Buffy felt her chest tighten as she realized what still stood between them. She'd saved him, let him back into her bed, but for what? "I'm the Slayer, Spike. I can't be involved with a killer vampire."

Spike decided not to mention Angel. That just tended to put her on the defensive, and that wasn't what he wanted. "I can't hurt anyone, Buffy. You know that."

Buffy flinched. "So it's just the chip, then? That's all that's keeping you from feeding again?"

"No, not the chip. Not the chip. You."

"What do you mean me?"

"You have to ask that? Something's been happening to me since the first time we were together. I've been fighting demons, and it hasn't been because they're all I can hurt these days. It's because of you. You're there in my mind, with me in everything I do, convincing me to do what's right for once. Everywhere I go, I see your face, hear your voice. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut, in my throat. I'm drowning in you, Summers."

"Spike…"

"Listen to me, Buffy. I know what you think—that I don't have a soul, that I'm just a monster. I guess that's true—I am a monster. But if you'll let me, I can be your monster."

Spike gave her a nervous smile, and for a moment, Buffy thought he looked almost boyish. She wanted to comfort him, smooth back the curls she'd tousled earlier. Buffy knew that if she was honest with herself, she'd admit that she was scared. Not by what Spike was, or what he could do now that the chip wasn't holding him back, but by what she felt when she was with him. She'd let herself fall for a vampire before, and the results had been disastrous.

But then again, Buffy knew that if she'd been in Angelus's arms right then, she wouldn't feel this safe. As much as it pained her to admit it, Buffy knew that even if he'd had a chip, Angelus never would've treated her the way Spike did, never would've loved her. The chip wouldn't have stopped Angelus from finding other ways to hurt her. Most of what he had done to her had been without ever touching her.

And last night… Spike, even when he was half out of his mind with hunger, had refused to feed from her neck. Angel—not even Angelus that time—had until he'd almost drained her.

"I think you can be a man, too."

Spike looked at her, his eyes full of wonder. He'd wanted her to know there was more to him than his demon, but he'd never expected her to. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Hold me for a while, Spike. I just want to be in your arms."

"I won't go anywhere."

Buffy knew that even with all her doubts, that was one thing she could believe.

*** *** ***

Buffy shifted nervously, plucking at the upholstery of Giles's couch. She felt almost as if she was betraying Spike by doing this, but she'd always come to Giles with these sort of things. Didn't see need to now, even though he was no longer technically her Watcher?

"Spike's chip isn't working anymore."

Predictably, Giles began to clean his glasses. "How do you know? Has he been feeding again?"

"No! Riley and I had to turn it off. We had to destroy everything the Initiative had on the chips, actually. You heard what they were going to use them for…"

"Yes, and I agree that that needed to be stopped. But Spike is a threat again. Where is he now?"

"At his crypt."

"Alone?"

"Yeah."

The glasses cleaning resumed. "You've left a vampire—especially one as dangerous as Spike—to roam around completely unchecked?"

"Giles, calm down. He's…"

"Calm down! I think I'm decidedly calm for what you've just told me. I may no longer be a Watcher, but you are still the Slayer. Whatever sort of unnatural attachment you may have formed to Spike, the fact still remains that it is your duty to ensure that he isn't allowed to harm anyone."

"And I will."

"So you'll be soon staking him then?"

"No."

"Buffy, no matter what he may have told you when the chip was preventing him from showing his true nature, Spike is a demon and a killer. He is no different from any other vampire you have fought in the past, and he deserves no better a fate than they had."

"You're wrong, Giles. Spike is different. He's always been different. I think…" Buffy sat up straighter. "I think he can help us, if we just give him the chance."

"Give him the chance? Buffy, listen to yourself! This is William the Bloody, the Slayer of Slayers. To expect anything but evil from him is ludicrous."

"He loves me."

Giles sneered. "He doesn't have a soul."

"Look, I'm not going to debate that point with you. Like you said earlier, I'm the Slayer. This is my call, and I'm giving Spike the benefit of the doubt."

"And therefore risking the lives of countless innocent people. Spike could be feeding right now!"

"Giles, he doesn't even know the chip stopped working."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know."

"He will figure it out."

"I know. And I'll deal with that when it happens. But for now, I know he's trying to be something other than evil."

"Buffy, can you honestly tell me that you trust Spike?"

"I want to."

"Yes, but do you?"

"I'm trying, Giles. And I don't distrust him. He's been saving people. He told me earlier, before he went back to his crypt. You worry about him hurting people, but he's been doing the exact opposite."

"If you can believe anything he says. And even if he has been fighting demons, odds are he's only been taking his aggression out the only way the chip would let him, and putting his spin on it to get what he wants from you."

"He was getting that before he was saving anyone." Buffy felt a small surge of self-satisfaction at the deep blush that sprung to Giles's face.

"And that is another issue entirely. I cannot believe your irresponsibility in this matter. Had I known prior to your encounter with the Mauruk that letting him touch you would lead to this, I would have…"

"Would've what? Would've let me die? Would that have been better for you than me having another vampire as a lover?"

"No! Buffy, you know I wouldn't have let you die."

"Who else could have done it? Xander? You? And then what, there'd be this awkward rift, and, oh, right—I'd be pregnant. Spike saved me that day in more ways than one."

"You think he did that for your benefit? That he made some great sacrifice for you? If anything, he did it out of some perverse desire to bed a Slayer."

"Perverse desire? If that's what it is, then what does it say about a Slayer who's slept with two vampires?"

Giles's patience had reached a breaking point. "I don't know, Buffy. Why don't you tell me?"

Buffy stared at him for a moment, gaping. "I can't believe you just said that."

Giles sighed, wiping his brow. "Buffy, I didn't mean… No, wait, maybe I did. Your behavior is, at best, questionable. You have a sacred duty, and you're cheapening that with your relationship with this thing. Spike is a vampire. You are the Slayer. What you need to do should be simple."

"But it's not! Look, this isn't about me having some weird vampire fetish. If anything, it has more to do with the fact that my job as the Slayer means I spend more time with dead men than living ones. But I feel something with Spike. It may not quite be love, I don't know. But I do know that it isn't merely lust."

"Whatever you think you feel, Buffy, you need to rise above your teenage sensibilities and see Spike for what he is!"

Buffy stood up. "I do, Giles. I see him better than you do. So get this through your head—Spike is with me now, and that means no one will hurt him. Understood?"

"Buffy, you're not acting rationally. If you could just stay away from him, you'd see that…"

"No! God, why aren't you getting this? There will be no me staying away from Spike. Either you accept him as a part of my life, or you step out of it." Buffy surprised herself at her own vehemence in the matter, but Giles's reaction had touched a nerve more than she would have thought possible.

"Buffy…"

"This conversation is over. God, I wish I hadn't even told you that Spike's chip wasn't working."

"It's good that you did."

"Just trust me with him, Giles. I've seen something in him."

"I think you're making a terrible mistake."

"I know you do, but give it time. You'll see that I'm right."

Giles bit his tongue to keep from telling her that in time, it could be too late. Buffy obviously wasn't going to listen to reason. "Fine. But this is one thing that I do not want to be telling you 'I told you so' about."

Buffy gave him a tight smile. "You won't. Look, I need to patrol. I'll come by tomorrow after class, all right?"

"That's fine. Be careful."

"I will."

After Buffy left, Giles went to the phone, dialing quickly.

"Hello, Xander—it's Giles. I need your help with something."

*** *** ***

Blame the delay in posts this time on the three papers I had due this week. Kinda sucks the will to write out of you…

Review please. ^.~





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