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Chapter 6 – Denial


Wandering around Sunnydale for over an hour, Buffy slowly walked toward the end of the docks, staring out at the black water. Memories rushed back to her as she hugged her arms around her torso. There were still times when she felt like a scared, lost little girl. There were times when she wished for her mother to be here with her, much like she did that fateful night- the night that was supposed to be her last on this earth.

She had come to terms with having to live forever. What she would never get used to was the idea of seeing every person she cared about get old and die. Well, everyone except Angel, who couldn’t stand the sight of her because of all the memories of what he had done.

Buffy had already started to distance herself from her friends. It wasn’t like it was a hard thing to do. Xander and Anya were now married with a baby, living in Colorado, where Xander owned a construction company. Willow and Tara were living in Chicago but seemed to change locations every two years. Giles was back in England, and Dawnie was in New York.

In the past five years, Dawn and Giles were the only two she had seen. Buffy knew she was being a bad friend, but she also knew everyone had their own lives now. They weren’t as concerned with things that go bump in the night. They still cared about it, but it wasn’t their lives anymore. It was for the current Slayer to worry about, as unfair as that seemed. They had put in their time, and for most of those involved, the time was a lot longer than the average Slayer.

Buffy’s train of thought quickly went to Spike. She was attracted to him- who wouldn’t be? She had seen him at the Bronze the night before and was discreetly sizing him up for the best way to approach him. She had been thrilled when he’d asked her to dance, but knew that nothing could come of it.

He was the Slayer.

She would be lying if she ignored the fact that the almost-kiss made her tremble with excitement, but he had a girlfriend, and Buffy had to keep her distance. Not because she cared about the uptight snob that Spike was dating, but because he would be one more person she would have to say good-bye to.

So lost in thought, Buffy never heard the footsteps coming down the dock.

“Thinking about anything interesting?”

Immediately spinning around and extending her leg for a powerful kick, Buffy was shocked when it was stopped. Looking up into Spike’s bright blue eyes, she glanced down at her leg, which was currently cradled by his arms.

“Impressive kick, pet, but I saw you lead into it,” he said with an annoyingly cute smirk.

Jerking her leg out of his grasp, she took a few steps away, needing her distance from the man in front of her. “Nice reflexes.”

“Not too bad yourself, Slayer.”

“Slayer?” she asked, looking at him skeptically. “Won’t that get a little confusing since there’s two of us?”

“Don’t think so. Besides, you’re cute when you get all flustered by whatever pet name I call you,” he said, taking a step toward her. “Actually,” he continued as he rested his hands on her hips. “You’re cute all the time.”

Feeling her mouth go dry at the close proximity, she took a deep breath to settle her nerves. “Women actually fall for that line?”

“Not usually,” he whispered, slowly closing the distance between them. “But there’s a first time for everything.”

Unconsciously wetting her lips when he moved toward her, she closed her eyes when his lips gently caressed hers in the softest kiss. Not having a chance to deepen the kiss, Spike’s cell phone began ringing.

“Bloody hell!” he yelled, jerking away from Buffy and pulling the phone out of his pocket. “Gonna throw this soddin’ thing in the ocean. What?!” he yelled into the mobile.

Buffy would have laughed if she hadn’t been busy kicking herself. She had just told herself not to get involved, and here she was, nearly kissing him in the moonlight. Turning to face the water as Spike turned off the phone.

“Sorry about that.”

“We can’t keep doing this, Spike.”

“Buffy, I know I have a girlfriend, but…”

“It’s not that,” she said, shaking her head as she turned around. “You just met me. You’re the Slayer, and I know how difficult that can be, but I also know what it’s like to get involved with someone you can never be with.”

“And I can never be with you? Why don’t you enlighten me on this new piece of information?”

“Spike, I’m a vampire. Granted, not the most conventional of vampires, but I still have an aversion to sunlight and drink blood for meals. You need a sense of normalcy in your life, and I’m not it.”

“I’ll never have a normal life, love.”

Shaking her head as the memories of a time so long ago came rushed back to her. The memory of Angel breaking up with her, of him telling her they could never be together, of him walking away after the battle on graduation day. “Spike, trust me when I say it’s better if it doesn’t even begin. There would be nothing but pain and heartache, and I don’t want that for you.”

“You’re thinking about your ex-boy toy, aren’t you?” he asked incredulously. “You think history would be repeating itself if you and I so much as kissed each other?”

“What do you mean? H-how do you know about me and Angel? The only thing I told you was the trigger for him losing his soul.”

“Yeah. I did a little reading when we parted ways last night. Seems your Watcher kept quite a few records of you and Angelus.”

“It’s Angel,” she said through gritted teeth, feeling her temper spiraling out of control. “And you know, I am still alive- I could have answered your questions. You didn’t have to go behind my back and read up on me like I’m some type of research project.”

“But that’s the thing, isn’t it, Slayer?” he said, advancing on her angrily. “You’re not alive.”

Feeling the weight of the words as he said them, she felt her heart constrict in her chest. She knew she wasn’t alive, but she still felt like it. Everyday, she longed to get up and go out into the sun. She wanted to be able to go shopping with her friends at the mall or go to the beach and watch the sunset, but she couldn’t. She would never be able to again.

The instant he said it, Spike felt remorseful. She had hurt him when she said they could never be together, and he wanted to hurt her back. Now, looking at the crestfallen look on her face, he reached a hand out to her. “Buffy, love, I’m-”

“Don’t,” she said softly, holding up a hand. Shaking her head as she began to walk away, leaving Spike standing on the end of the dock. “Just don’t.”





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