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Chapter 9-



Spike had been pacing back and forth, only stopped momentarily to look at Buffy. She had remained quiet, allowing him to process everything. There was more to come and it was going to be one hell of a shock for Spike.



"So let me get this straight, this bloody demon sent me. us here to hell because he wants me dead? What demon doesn't?" He sighed. "You wanna tell me what the real reason is?" He knelt down in front of her.



Buffy looked up at him. Her tears were dry now but the tracks were still visible.



The look that she was now giving him broke his heart.



For all the times he treated her like shit, he would take it all back if he could, if he could take that pain on for her. In that instant, he regretted every moment he didn't treat her the way she should be treated.like the women she'd come to be.



"Are you sure you want me to go?" She asked, as she stalled the conversation.



He shook his head. "I'm sure."



"It's a lot to take in. I just don't want to." He interrupted her.



"All right already." Spike gritted his teeth as his eyes flashed yellow. "Quit the stalling, slayer!"



Sighing, Buffy said, "Ok."



He sat down in front of her, waiting for her to continue.



"I'm not going to go over every detail, 'cause that'd be to much information. I'm telling you what you need to know."


Spike shook his head and motioned with his hands for her to get on with it.



"In 2000, you were captured by a group called the Initiative. They planted a special chip in your head." Spike interrupted her once again, not liking the idea of someone messing in his noggin.



"What did this chip do?" He asked as he lowered the depth of his voice. It made Buffy shiver in all the right places. She practically had to slap herself mentally to keep herself in check.



Smiling wanly, she answered, "It preventing you from harming humans."



He stood up, appalled that someone would prevent him from doing what came natural to his kind.



"You let some lab coat prod around in my head, neutering me?" Spike was visible upset. He was ranting and raving and Buffy wished she could shut him up, but then that'd make things worse then they already were.



"I had no choice, Spike. I didn't even know it had happened until after the fact."



"Great. Just bloody great slayer!"



She stood up, defending herself. "We weren't exactly friends then, so why the hell did I care. You just became a damn nuisance," She calmed herself down and finished her thought in soft tone, "but at least you weren't feeding on humans."



"What the hell did I do then, pratt around with your little Scooby friends?" He began to turn away from her, but she stopped him by grabbing his arm gently. He looked down at her hand and then looked up at her pretty face. Those eyes did him in, but he didn't want her to know that.



"Spike, I think we need a moment or two." She removed her hand from his arm.



Placing his hands on his hips, he said, "No, I wanna know now!"



She turned away from him. "Alright."



"Fine!"



"Essentially you did that for next few years. At first you had your own agenda, but after awhile you had changed. Some of us learned to trust you and accept you for who you were, which was a good man, especially my and I sister." She paused for a moment, checking on a Spike and then she continued. "You and she became really good friends, even after my.death." She said the last part so low he almost didn't hear her.



"You're death, but how." He stopped, full well knowing it had to be magic that brought her back. "Oh I don't even want know..." He said that last statement derisively.



It was probably that witch friend hers.



"I died protecting Dawn." Was all she planned on saying. "I will be forever grateful for what you did for Dawn."



It was a hard time for her and she'd rather not repeat it a second time.



"I was in heaven and I was happy and I was loved, and then Willow pulled me out."



There had been hurt evident in her voice. Buffy trusted Willow with her sister's life but Willow had let her down time and time again. Even though that was the past, it still hurt Buffy. She didn't know if she'd ever truly get over something like that.



"And that brought you closer to me? To the dark side?"



He had a smirk on his face, but Buffy didn't notice right away. He was starting to understand, they must been romantically linked at some point, he thought. Especially since it was written all over her face, but to what extent their relationship was, is still questionable to him. His future self must have been deeply in love with this woman, Spike figured, because he was starting to feel something for her right now.



"You had already been in love with me by the time we started our relationship in secret."



"I suppose that was your idea to keep it secret."



Buffy was quiet for a moment and Spike waited patiently for her to continue.



"I didn't want my friends to know what they put me through. I keep the happy façade for their benefit, and the only time I really felt alive was when I was." He was in front of her and he pulled her up to her feet. Buffy and Spike looked each other deeply in the eyes. "The only time I ever really felt alive was when I was with you."



Caressing her cheek, Spike stood there momentarily before he leaned in for a kiss.



"Stop please," Buffy said breathlessly. She wanted it more than anything and mentally kicked herself for stopping.



He stepped away from her, hurt evident in his face. "What the hell did you that for?"



Buffy stepped towards him, but he turned away from her. He didn't want her to how hurt he really was.



"I'm sorry Spike. I can't do this now." She began to cry again. "I am sorry, Spike. There are just too many things I still need to tell you."



"Then get on with it!"



"All right then." Buffy sat back down as Spike leaned in door way. He'd lit a cigarette to calm his nerves. "I couldn't see what was really happening. I couldn't admit that I was falling in love you. So instead of admitting it, I was cruel to you. I wouldn't let my self feel what I was feeling. I wouldn't let you love me. I'd go to you when it really only suited to me. I was selfish. I thought if I admitted that I was using you, it would be ok to let you go. That just made things worse."



"And how's that, slayer?" He asked as he blew out a puff of smoke.



The images of the night, when things went too far, so far that neither one handled themselves the way they should have.



"One night," she swallowed hard, "you came to my house and things.things happened, and well you took off once you realized what happened."



He turned around quickly. "I didn't.I didn't hurt you did I?"



"Spike it was along time ago. It still hurts to think about it, but I have come to forgive you."



He turned away from her again and she continued.



"When you returned, you were different. You had done something no one other vampire had ever done."



"What would that be?" He crushed his cigarette under his boot.



"You got your soul." She said it so far he didn't think he heard her right.



"My soul? You mean like Angelus?" He asked incredulously as he turned to face her.



"No, nothing like Angel. Nothing at all. He never worked for his soul. You did that all by yourself. It's what helped you in the final battle. It was the day I love you came too late. You thought I said it because it would be the final words you'd ever heard." Buffy rose her feet and walked towards Spike. "I meant every word of it I said. I did love you...Still love you, Spike. That's never gonna change!" She stepped up on her tip toes, and kissed him softly on the cheek. "It's been so hard for me to be with you these few days. I want you so badly, but once we get off this stinking island, and go our separate ways, you'll go on as if this never happened and I have to live with losing you all over again."



Spike smiled down at her, thankful she was at least honest with him. He'd finally understood why she carried so much sadness on her shoulders, but now he needed to be alone for awhile, to process everything.



Looking down at her, Spike could see all the love in her eyes. "Thank you for being honest with me. I.I need to be alone by myself for awhile, but I promise I'll be back." He leaned in, kissing her soundly. It was the first time in a long time that Buffy had been kissed that way. It felt good. Before he left, he grabbed her journal and headed out towards the beach.



Buffy watched as he disappeared into the jungle. She didn't realize she'd been crying and she whipped them away, and headed back inside the cave.



TBC





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