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Chapter 6


Buffy began seeing Spike a few nights each week. They were having a
good time. Buffy was getting better at her job and looking forward to
school starting in a week. Cordelia had sold several photos to some magazines, and Buffy had posed a few more times, gaining a nice profit for her work. Spike, on the other hand, was haunted by what his sister had said to him a few weeks ago.

Tonight, they were enjoying a simple walk through her neighborhood, hand
in hand, after eating dinner in a restaurant a few blocks away from her
place. As they approached her apartment building, Buffy took the first few
steps up to the door before turning to look down at Spike. As he stared at her,
he realized he should let her go. He wasn’t ready to settle down, and
Buffy deserved more than he had to offer. All thoughts immediately left his
head as she leaned forward and kissed him softly. As the kiss grew in
intensity, Spike felt his arms wrap around her waist to pull her closer. Breaking
away, breathless after a few minutes, Buffy looked at Spike with wide hazel eyes.

“Do you want to come up?”

Spike gulped, not sure of his answer. Before he had a chance to think
about it, he found himself nodding as she smiled and turned to lead him to
her apartment.

When the door shut behind him, he felt an overwhelming sense of fear.
He shouldn’t be here. He shouldn’t be using this wonderful girl the way
he was. He knew Cordy was right, but it went beyond that. Buffy deserved
a life he couldn’t offer her. He was 29 years old, and she was still in
college. The thoughts were flitting through his head as she led him to
her bedroom.

“Buffy…maybe we shouldn’t-“ His protest was cut off as her lips pressed
to his. Partly out of reflex and partly out of wanting for this woman,
Spike felt his hands drift to the zipper on the back of her dress and slowly
tugged it down. He pulled away from her to gently slip the dress from her body,
growing instantly hard at the feel of her naked back against his
fingertips. He looked at her body in amazement as she stood before him, clad only in a black lace thong. Buffy reached up to cross her arms over her chest
modestly, trying to cover herself.

Spike pulled her hands away as he kissed along her jaw line, whispering
huskily, “Don’t, luv, you’re beautiful.”

Quickly shedding his clothes as she laid down on the bed, Spike crawled
along the covers, meeting her lips once more with a passionate kiss.

“Are you sure, baby?”

Buffy nodded as Spike reached for his wallet to remove a condom. Quickly
rolling it on, he positioned himself at her entrance and pushed into
her body. Spike froze when he was covered by her tight folds, staring down
at her in disbelief as she looked up with tears in her eyes.

“You should have told me, luv,” he whispered, leaning down to nuzzle
her neck.

“I’m sorry,” she said tearily.

“Don’t be sorry. I just wish I’d have known so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Relax, Buffy, I’ll make it good for you, luv.”

He waited until she slowly calmed down before gently moving inside of
her. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Spike bent down to kiss her. He
smiled when Buffy arched against him, seeking her release.

“Spike…I need more…”

Spike plunged deeper into her wet depths as her cries intensified in
pleasure. Speeding up his thrusts, Spike reached one hand in between
their slick bodies to flick a finger over the bundle of nerves before pressing
down against it. Buffy bucked against him as she screamed out her powerful
orgasm, slowly coming down from the high as Spike pushed into her with
several more thrusts, quickly finding his own release and collapsing on
top of her.

Rolling away from her, he deposited the condom in the trash can next to
the bed and turned back to pull her against his chest.

“I love you.” The whispered words were so soft, Spike almost didn’t
believe she had said them.

“What was that, luv?”

With passion-filled eyes, Buffy turned to him. “I love you.”

Panic hit Spike from nowhere as he bolted off the bed and quickly
looked for his clothes.

“Spike?” Buffy sat up in bed, pulling the sheet with her.

“You don’t love me, Buffy,” he growled as he fastened the belt to his
pants.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Spike, what’s going on? I thought you liked me?”

“That’s just it, Buff.” She cringed at the tone he used on her seldomly- used nickname. “I like you. This was all just supposed to be for fun. There
wasn’t supposed to be any confusion and love thrown into the mix.”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “Might have helped if you’d filled me
in on this little plan of yours.”

“I know, Buffy, I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You
don’t love me.”

“Who are you to tell me what I feel?” she asked in disgust. “You don’t
know anything about me.”

“Oh, I know you, Buffy. I know you’re a scared little girl who doesn’t
know what she wants.”

“Who have you been listening to? Because that certainly didn’t come from
the conversations we had.”

“Buffy, I’m the first guy you’ve ever slept with. You don’t know if I’m the
one for you. You can’t know what love is.”

“Well, thanks for clearing it up for me,” she said sarcastically. “I
feel much better now. I guess the answer to this problem is for me to go
out and sleep with a bunch of guys to get you to look at me again!”

Spike closed his eyes and clenched his teeth as he tried to reign in
his emotions. “You don’t want me. You can do better than me.”

“Yeah, that’s becoming glaringly obvious!”

“Don’t do this. I don’t want it to end this way, luv.”

“DO NOT call me ‘luv’.”

“Buffy-“

“No, I don’t want to hear your excuses. I know what you want. You
want to be free and sleep around with as many women as you can. Well, guess what? You get your wish.”

“Buffy, it’s not like that. I’m almost thirty years old- you’re not
even twenty-one yet. I want you to finish college, become what you want
to be, before you settle on anyone!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Spike. I didn’t know falling in love was ‘settling’. My mistake.”

Getting up from the bed, pulling the sheet with her, Spike felt the
sudden urge to pull her into his arms but knew he would be met with a slap in
the face. They stood staring at each other for a few moments- Buffy
wishing he would say that he loved her, Spike wishing she had never told him.
Shaking her head slightly, Buffy moved to push past him as he grabbed her arm.

“I’m sorry.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” she said, not looking at him.

“I didn’t use you, Buffy.”

“Really? I would hate to see how I would feel right now if you had.”

Spike closed his eyes at the hateful words. “I do care for you.”

“Get out.”

“Buffy-“

“You heard me,” she said quietly. “You could only say one thing to
make this better, and I know there’s not a chance in hell of hearing it. So
I want you to leave.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Spike…I just want to be alone right now,” she said in a choked voice.

Spike stared into her tear-filled eyes and felt his heart aching to
make it better. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to lie to her, and he didn’t
want to cause her any more pain. Nodding, he made his way to the door,
leaving her behind. His heart twisted as he heard her anguish-filled sobs from
the other side. He wanted nothing more than to go back to her, but he knew
he couldn’t. She deserved more out of life than him.





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