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Chapter 15


Spike held Buffy in his arms for as long as he could. When she slowly
pulled away from him, he saw the tears shimmering in her eyes. Spike
lovingly stroked her cheek as he stared down at her. “I love you, Buffy,”
he whispered again, his voice thick with emotion.

“Don’t,” Buffy said, shaking her head. At his dejected look, she continued,
“I believe you, just please don’t tell me that right now.”

Spike nodded. “Do you mind if I stay for a while?”

“Spike, I-“

”I’ll go if you want me to, I just-“

“Stay,” she whispered, looking up at him. “I want this to work, and if it’s
going to…you need to be here.”

Spike slowly shrugged out of his duster, laying it across a nearby chair.
“Do you want to watch a movie, luv?” he asked, wanting to get back to the normalcy of their relationship.

Buffy smiled. “That sounds good. You pick,” she said as she headed to the
kitchen.

“Okay,” Spike said, clapping his hands together. “What’s your pleasure? We
have horror, action, comedy, romance, classics, drama-“

“Drama,” Buffy called from the kitchen as she began making popcorn. A few
minutes later, Buffy walked back into the living room, bowl in hand and two
soda cans. “So, what’s the verdict?” she asked as she sat down on the
couch. Spike sat next to her but made sure to keep a safe distance.

”Silence of the Lambs.”

Buffy raised an eyebrow at his choice.

“Hey!” Spike said indignantly. “It’s a good movie, and you’re the one
who has the DVD, so don’t give me that look.”

Buffy gave him a small smile. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Ten minutes after the popcorn was gone, Spike was ignoring the movie. The
silent debate he was having with himself was distracting him. He ached to
be closer to Buffy, his body seemed to pull him toward her, but he couldn’t.
He was already pushing his luck by being here- he couldn’t risk getting
her upset at him again.

As the argument went on in his head, he almost didn’t notice when Buffy
moved closer to him, snuggling into his side. Spike breathed a sigh of
relief that he was able to touch her again as he wrapped an arm around her
shoulders.

Halfway through the movie, Buffy and Spike found themselves lying side by
side on the couch. Spike’s arm was wrapped securely around her waist
while her hand lazily traced over his arm.

Spike gently pulled his arm away from her as he let his fingertips run over
the bare skin of her arm. It was smooth and not as tan as it used to be,
and as Spike stared at it, he couldn’t help the emotions that came over him
as he watched the pattern his hand was moving in.

“I’m sorry.”

Buffy rolled over to face him when she heard the hoarse whisper. Seeing the
tears in his eyes, she reached a hand up to his face. “Spike, what’s
wrong?”

“I never meant to hurt you, Buffy,” he mumbled as tears streamed down his
face.

“You already told me, Spike. I believe you,” Buffy said gently.

“I can’t make up excuses, luv. I was being a wanker about a situation you
had no control over…I never meant to lose my temper like that.”

“I know,” Buffy said quietly. “I know that wasn’t you. You were jealous
and angry. Those two things together are unmixy.” Spike smiled at her
choice of words. “Besides,” Buffy continued. “I was partly to blame. I
shouldn’t have gone out with Riley without telling you. I wouldn’t have been happy seeing you out with an ex-girlfriend.”

“Buffy, I don’t want you to feel like you have to ask permission to do
something. I don’t want to control you…I just want you to be in my life.”

“I’m here,” Buffy said softly. “And as much as I’ve wished I could…I’m not
going anywhere.”

“Do you still wish it, pet?” Spike asked with fear in his eyes.

“Right now,” she said, snuggling deeper into his arms. “There’s no place
I’d rather be.”

“Were you…” Spike trailed off as he tried to reign in his emotions. “Were
you in a lot of pain?”

Buffy pulled back to look into his eyes. “Yes,” she said quietly. “But
not physically, if that’s what you mean.”

“Bloody hell, I wish I could take that day back,” Spike said in a gravelly
voice as he rolled onto his back, squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose.

“We can’t,” Buffy said softly. “But maybe it was good that it happened.”

“How can me acting like a pillock be good?” Spike asked, looking at her.

Well…if you reacted like that, I know that you feel something for me. You’re
passionate, Spike, and I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t scare me, but
I trust you. Not that I want that reaction ever again,” she added as an
afterthought. “But out of something so horrible, it made you realize you love me.

“I do love you, baby. More than anything,” he replied as he nuzzled into
her neck.

“I know,” she whispered, her fingers lacing through his. “I believe you.”

* * * * *

Buffy woke up before sunrise the next morning. She and Spike were still
entwined on the couch, arms and legs tangled together. The TV screen had
turned blue, providing the only light in the room. Buffy rearranged
herself, turning her body into Spike’s chest and breathing in his unique
scent. She smiled as his arms tightened around her, pulling her even
closer.

Looking at his face, Buffy reached a hand up to trace the distinct lines.
She was careful not to wake him up, but she smiled when he stirred slightly.
After a few minutes, Buffy stopped her movements and leaned back slightly
to stare at him. She knew that she was falling for him…and it scared her.

Buffy realized that he meant what he said. He did love her, and he never
meant to hurt her, but if she completely let herself go, would she be able
to recover if it didn’t work? When Angel had left her, Buffy felt like she
was dying. When she thought she’d lost Spike, she felt like her heart had
been ripped out. What would happen if she let herself love him?

‘Assuming you already don’t.’

Buffy sighed, knowing that it was true. Otherwise, why would it have
affected her so much when she thought he was gone? Why did she so readily accept him back into her life?

“What’s wrong, baby?”

Buffy looked up and saw those startling blue eyes staring back at her. She
put on a smile for his benefit. “Just thinking.”

“Anything interesting?” he asked as his hand came up to run his fingertips
along her cheek.

"Not really,” Buffy replied, averting her eyes from him.

“Buffy,” Spike said softly. “You can tell me.”

“I’m scared,” she whispered.

“Of what, pet?” he asked as his hands ran through her long hair.

“You.” She felt Spike tense up, his body freezing at her admission. “Not
like that,” Buffy added quickly. “That’s not what I meant.”

Spike seemed to relax a little as he pulled her closer. “What did you
mean?”

“I’m scared of how I’m feeling.”

“About me?” he asked with a tinge of hope in his voice.

Buffy raised her eyes to his and nodded.

“Buffy…don’t worry about it, okay? I don’t want you to push yourself to try
and fall in love with me. That’s not why I told you.”

“What if I already am?” she asked quietly, moving her eyes to Spike’s chest,
not sure if she should have said it.

Spike was silent for a long time until finally Buffy raised her eyes to
his. “Are you?” he whispered in a hoarse voice.

Buffy swallowed hard. “I…”

Buffy gasped as she felt Spike’s lips on hers. His fingers running
through her hair to gently hold her to him as his tongue probed her lips,
begging access. When her mouth opened slightly, Buffy moaned as his tongue
danced with hers. The kiss escalated with more passion before Spike
breathlessly pulled away. “I can wait, Buffy,” he said in a husky voice.
“I don’t need to hear you say it. I can wait.”

Buffy nodded gratefully, her feelings already spiraling out of control at
his patience and obvious love for her. “Thank you,” she whispered before
pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.




A/N I’m not entirely happy with this chapter, but (shrugs) what are you gonna do. Just two or three plugs here: I wanted to give a big thank you to destructo-girl for the awesome award she gave me for featuring Secrets of the Heart on her website. Make sure you take a look at her website www.destructo-girl.com and make sure you check out my website www.unseenshadows.4t.com/ashlee to see the award. Also, go look at the new layout of Steph’s website www.unseenshadows.4t.com since she is the one responsible for me having mine :-) And while I’m giving thank you’s and advertisements, yet another thank you to Allison for betaing this story!





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