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Chapter 8


Spike was off the bed in an instant. He really couldn’t have cared less
about his brother knocking on the door- he just couldn’t stand to be in
close proximity to Buffy anymore. The most tender, incredible moment of his
life wasn’t even real. At least not to her. She had assumed that he was
William, and he felt sick at the thought of her naked body underneath his
brother.

His brain knew that it wasn’t William that had been with her, but it might
as well have been, as far as he was concerned. She had wanted William, not
him. When she had looked at him with such passion in her eyes, she wasn’t
looking at him. Spike angrily pulled his pants on as Buffy jumped off the
bed, clutching the sheet to her body in a modest attempt to hide her nude
body, even though he’d already seen it, seconds ago.

“Spike?” she whispered softly as she reached out and touched his arm. She
shrank back as he angrily swatted her hand away before pulling on his
shirt.

“Don’t,” he growled as he bent over and quickly pulled his shoes on before
heading to the door of the bedroom.

Buffy flew past him before he could make it down the short hallway. “Spike,
please don’t leave.”

“Why?” he asked angrily as he turned to look at her. “Don’t want your
boyfriend to find out that you just shagged his brother?”

“That’s part of it,” she whispered. “And the other reason is I don’t want
you to leave until we talk about this.”

Spike stared at her, watching as her eyes turned to the door as the knocking
sound stopped and was replaced by the jingling of keys. Buffy panicked as
she remembered that she had given Will a key to her place when she had
locked herself out one day.

“Please,” she said softly, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

Spike clenched his jaw as he looked into eyes that he was unable to resist, hearing the key in the
lock. Without saying a word, he turned and walked back in the bedroom,
slamming the door as he went.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief before rushing to the bathroom to grab her
robe. Running her fingers through her disheveled hair, Buffy ran for the
door and reached it just as it was thrown open to reveal William.

“You okay?” he asked as he looked at her.

“I’m fine,” she said in a strangled voice. “I was just…asleep. Took me a
minute to wake up.”

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled softly.

“It’s okay,” Buffy replied, trying her best to smile at him.

“No, not just for waking you up. I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

“Oh…yeah…earlier. Listen, don’t worry about it. I didn’t mean what I said
either, it’s just been a strange week.”

“Yeah,” William said, reaching out and pulling her to him. Buffy tensed as
his arms wrapped around her waist, holding her breath as his lips came down
to meet hers. She felt like crying for the unfairness of what was happening
to her. She realized now that she should have known it was Spike from the
moment he kissed her earlier. Despite the fact that he was being much more
tender than their first experience together, the fire that erupted in her
when their lips met should have been the clue.

Now, as William was trying to deepen the kiss, Buffy felt her hands begin to
push against his chest, putting some distance between them as their lips
broke apart.

“Can I stay?” he asked as he played with the sash on her robe.

Buffy unconsciously tightened the robe over her nude form. “I don’t think
that’s such a good idea, Will. I-I think I’m coming down with something.”

He gently felt her forehead and cheeks. “You do feel a little warm.” Buffy
blushed at the statement, biting her lip as she looked at the floor.
“Okay,” he said, kissing her forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Buffy asked in confusion.

“School,” he commented with a raised eyebrow.

Buffy nodded in understanding, following him to the door. “Right…school…how
could I forget?”

“Sleep well, Buffy,” he said, pulling her closer once again and leaving
another kiss on her lips. Buffy moaned against him, trying to push him
away, but he took it as a sign to deepen the kiss. After a moment, Buffy
broke away, trying to give him a smile as he walked out the door. Once the
door was closed, Buffy leaned her head against it, exhaling sharply.

“Well, wasn’t that sweet.”

Buffy spun around at the condescending voice from the hallway. “Spike,
that-“

“Forget it, Summers,” he said in a low tone as he walked toward her. “It
was fun.”

Buffy felt a flash of dread as he reached for the doorknob. “Don’t!”

Spike paused for a brief second before pulling the door open. Buffy found
herself thrown off balance as it swung wide. Steadying herself, she spun
around and slammed it shut before he could go through it. Throwing the
deadbolt, Buffy positioned herself between him and the doorknob.

“Please don’t leave,” she whispered.

Spike avoided her eyes as he stared at a spot above her head. “There’s no
reason to stay.”

“What about me?” she asked quietly, causing his eyes to meet hers.

Closing off his emotions, Spike gritted his teeth, trying to ward off the tears that threatened to spill over as he thought about what he knew he could never have. “What about you?! You thought I was your little boy-toy. You thought you were fucking him!” he yelled, trying to mask his hurt with anger.

Buffy felt her chin begin to quiver. “I did,” she admitted quietly.

Spike felt his anger boil over as he slammed his hands against the door on
each side of her head. Buffy jumped, suddenly feeling frightened, as Spike
effectively closed in on her.

“Spike, you’re scaring me,” she whispered, looking up into his eyes.

She saw a brief flash of guilt cross his features before the cold mask was
put back in place. “This is me,” he said in a gravelly voice that held more conviction than he felt.

“No, it’s not,” Buffy replied more forcefully. “It’s not you,” she said as
she reached up to gently caress his cheek, breaking through his resolve, to get to the scared boy underneath the tough guy façade..

Spike bit his lip, trying to restrain his emotions at her affectionate
gesture. Closing his eyes for a second, Spike took her hand away from his
face and slowly pulled her away from the door.

“You thought I was him, Buffy,” he said with his back to her. “I should have known that, but I didn’t. I thought,” he paused, reigning in his feelings. “I thought you wanted me. But you thought I was him.”

“I did…but what if I’m glad it was you?”

Spike whirled around to face her, trying to see if she was telling the
truth. “What do you mean?”

“You were right,” Buffy said softly, taking a step closer to him. “I
thought I was fucking him.”

Spike frowned, surprised that she had used the term he had thrown in her
face.

“But I was making love to you.”

Spike’s mouth dropped open at the admission. He soon found himself leaning
against the door for balance. “What are you trying to say, Buffy?” he asked
quietly.

“I’m not proud of myself,” she said quietly. “The only reason I did that
tonight was because I felt guilty for wanting to be with you. I felt I
owed it to him. So, yeah…when I thought you were him, it was just sex. But
knowing it was you…it’s special.”

Spike felt short of breath as he took a step closer to her. “Do you want to
be with me?” he asked quietly.

He watched as tears began streaming down her cheeks. “More than
anything,” she admitted. “But it’s not that simple.”

“Why not?” he asked, gently raising his hands to each side of her face, pushing her hair away from her features as he stared at her with longing.
“I’m still with William, Spike.”

He clenched his jaw, feeling Buffy tense as she waited for whatever angry
words he was about to throw her way.

“You’re right,” he said softly, controlling his temper.

“What?”

“You’re right, luv. I may not me happy with the situation, but he is my
brother. I never wanted to hurt him. I should have gone about this differently, but then you started kissing me and…”

Buffy stared at him in disbelief. “So you’re okay with this?”

“No, I want you to break up with him, Buffy. If you want to be with me, you’ve got to tell him the truth.”
“Spike, I can’t tell him about this, he’ll be too hurt!”
“I don’t want him hurt, luv,” Spike said gently. “But I think he deserves to know that we want to be together. I’m not asking you to tell him about what happened tonight, but I don’t think we should lie to him.”

“Spike, I can’t just break up with him. He wants-“

She watched as he turned and headed out the door.

“Spike!”

Turning around, he looked at her as he backed away. “Let me know when you
actually realize what YOU want, Buffy. There’ll probably be a bloody
parade!”

Buffy felt fresh tears spring to her eyes as she watched him walk away. The pain was evident in his eyes. How could she get him to understand that she would break up with Will? She had to, she couldn’t stay with him anymore. She wouldn’t be able to look at him and not feel guilt course through her for what occurred tonight. But, the fact remained that Will loved her and she couldn’t just call him and tell him it was over. She needed time to work through it and break it to him gently. But, would Spike still want her?





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