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Chapter 10


Time seemed to stand still for Buffy as she stared at Spike in disbelief.
She slowly turned to face William, and the look on his face scared her more
than if he’d been yelling. It was blank. No expression seemed to come
across him as he stared at his brother. Slowly, he turned to face Buffy.
“You slept with him?” he asked quietly.

Buffy gulped as her eyes widened. “William, it’s not like it sounds. I-I
thought he was you!”

“Yes, luv, but you wished he was me,” Spike said with a smile and a bit of a slur to his words, thoroughly
enjoying the display in front of him as he struggled not to sway back and forth.

Buffy watched as William turned and started to head back to the door.
Following him, Buffy grabbed his arm, turning him to face her. “I’m sorry,”
she said with genuine sorrow. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I hate myself
for doing it.”

William stared down at her for a long moment before gently tucking a lock
of hair behind her ear. The tenderness seemed to shock Buffy even more.
“Buffy…I’m not thrilled about it,” he whispered. “But don’t worry. We’ll
be fine.”

Buffy stood in astonishment as he turned and walked back into the club. She wished he would have just yelled at her. It would have been a lot easier to take than his acceptance. Her
eyes slowly trailed downward, filling with tears, knowing that he was hurting
more than he was letting on because of something she did.

“He had to find out eventually, pet.”

Buffy turned and stared at Spike for a minute, not saying anything. Spike
felt a jolt of pain as he looked into her shimmering eyes. He was waiting
for the explosion, knowing it wouldn’t be long. To his own amazement, Buffy
turned and began walking down the alley.

“Buffy?”

When she didn’t turn around, Spike’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Buffy!”

* * * * *

Buffy made it home faster than she anticipated. She was relieved that Spike
hadn’t followed her out of the alley. She knew he would probably get a well
deserved kick if he had.

Buffy shut the door behind her, leaning back against it and letting the
tears finally fall. She couldn’t imagine what Will must be going through
right now. And knowing that she was the cause of it only made her feel
worse.

“You should have just told him,” Buffy whispered to herself. “You know
these things never stay quiet- it would have been better coming from you,
but you were too much of a coward to even face him.”

Buffy jumped at the loud knock on the door. Trying to dry her eyes, she
turned around. “Who is it?”

“It’s me.”

“Go away, Spike,” she said through gritted teeth.

“Not until you talk to me, Summers.”

Buffy sighed, knowing that he wasn’t lying. She slowly turned around and
opened the door.

Spike walked in, shutting the door behind him. “Buffy, I’m-“

“Don’t!” Buffy said, holding up a hand. “Don’t even bother apologizing
because we both know it would be a lie.”

“Buffy-“

“You just had to do it, didn’t you, Spike! It wasn’t enough to know that we
broke up, oh no. You had to rub it in that I slept with you.”

“Give it a rest, Miss High and Mighty! If you had told him the truth that
night, none of this would have ever happened!”

“You think I don’t know that? I’m not the only guilty party here, you knew who I was when we were together and you slept with me anyway. You think I won’t be kicking myself for not telling him? For hurting him so much, not by what I said, but because he knows that I screwed his brother?”

“Made love,” Spike said through gritted teeth before he looked at her. “We
made love that night, and you know it, so don’t make it sound so demeaning
when we both know it wasn’t.”

Buffy took a deep breath, looking down at the floor, knowing that he was
right. She tried to steady her nerves as she avoided his eyes. “Why’d you
do it, Spike?” she asked quietly.

Spike seemed to think about the question for a moment before answering. “I
wanted…bloody hell, I just wanted him to know that I was just as good as him
for a change.”

Buffy’s eyes snapped up to his, tears threatening to spill over. “So you
just used me?”

“No,” Spike said, shaking his head anxiously.

“You did,” Buffy said in a choked voice. “You never wanted me.”

“Buffy, I always want you. I would never lie about that…but you don’t know
what it’s like, pet. To always be looked down on. To be the disappointment
of the family. Never able to live up to the sparkling expectations that my
big brother sets for me.”

“So…I was just some prize in this morbid little game of yours? Just a
trophy in this macho pissing contest?”

““I was angry for finding a woman that I wanted to be with, only to realize that Will had
gotten something else before me. You were never a prize, luv. I just want to be with you.”

“You’re just like the rest of them,” Buffy said quietly, never taking her eyes off the floor. “Get out.”

“Buffy-“

“There’s nothing else for you to say, Spike,” she said, raising her eyes to
his. Spike felt his heart ache at anguish that seemed to flow from her.
“You’ve made it pretty clear. I should have listened to my mind and not my
heart. I may have been alone, but it would have been better
than what I’m going through right now. So please, get out of my home.”

“Don’t you see what I’m trying to tell you?” he asked angrily.

“I see enough. You wanted to beat your brother, so you slept with his
girlfriend. It’s pretty cut and dry to me. Congratulations, you got what you wanted.”

“No,” Spike growled, grabbing her by the shoulders and resisting the urge to
shake her. “I wanted you. I wanted you so much that it killed me whenever
I thought of you sleeping with him. I wanted to come out here and beat the
hell out of him that night that he kissed you good-bye. And you know what?
I did want to rub it in his face that night, but I knew it would hurt you
too much, luv.” Spike’s voice softened to a whisper as he finished,
loosening his hold on her shoulders.

“So you decided to wait and hurt me tonight instead. How very thoughtful
of you,” she replied sarcastically.

“I just want to be with you, Buffy,” Spike whispered.

“Maybe you should have thought about that before you purposely hurt me.
Now, please leave,” Buffy whispered quietly.

Spike sighed and turned toward the door. “I really am sorry, Buffy. I
never should have told him that way, and I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Buffy watched as he walked out the door.
“Spike.” She stood in the doorway as he turned around. “You don’t have to be in competition with your brother
to prove you’re a good man. In spite of what happened tonight, I’ve known you’re a good person since I met you. And as much as you don’t deserve to know this…I never slept with William.”

Spike stared after her in stunned silence as Buffy shut the door with a soft
click.

A/N I know, not exactly the Spike and William confrontation you were all hoping for – that’s the next chapter :-)





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