Buffy felt the soft breeze against her skin as she made her way to the cemetery. On her way, she thought about some things. The things Giles and Spike had said. “.....They gave her the powers of a vampire it seems.” That really got Buffy’s attention. “...It’s what Vampires have that you lack sunshine...” Buffy was starting to understand what was going on, but didn't want it to be true. She pushed the issue away. When she felt the familiarity of were she was at, she realized that she must be at Spike’s crypt.
“Okay, I’ll just go in, get my coat, and not be angry. I can hide it. I can hide my, my being angry.” She firmly nodded. It seems that Buffy Anne Summers was incredibly good at hiding her feelings these days....
**************
Spike paced his crypt, waiting for the long hours to carry the sun away. He stopped in his mid pacing tracks when he smelt the familiar smell of vanilla.
“Well, I better get away from the door, because she coming, and she’s still blind. She’ll open the door, and keep it open to long without thinking, cos she can’t see. Then, I’ll be able to fit in one of those fancy shmancey ash trays...” Spike stepped into the shadows. Not long after he did this, sure enough Buffy walked in. And yes, she left the door open to long, and yes, if Spike wouldn’t stayed where he was, he would have been able to fit in an ash tray. Like clock work.
“Spike? Are you here?”
“Yeah I’m here. And I’d love to come to you, but fact is, I have a slight allergic reaction to the sun. So if you’d be a luv and just shut the door....”
“Oh! Sorry.” Buffy said as she quickly shut the door.
“Ah. Thank you. So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?” He asked, stepping out of the shadows.
“I was just wondering if my coat was here. I think I left it here a couple of days ago.”
“Oh yeah. It’s right here.” Spike reached for the coat that was draped on the back of his arm chair.
“Here you go.” He handed it to her, and in doing so, walked closer to her.
“Thanks.” Buffy turned around and was now out the door. Despite the sun, Spike reached out to grab her arm. He was sure he’d regret that action momentarily.
“Buffy wait. You don’t have to go. Why don’t you stay? I just- It’ll be a while before the sun goes do-” At that moment Spike’s whole arm emitted into flames. He screamed in pain and recoiled. “I feel lost without you Buffy.” He looked away from his arm and watched Buffy to see her reaction. She looked over in the general direction Spike was in, and shook her head sadly.
“I’m sorry you feel lost Spike. But I can’t do anything about that. I’m sorry.” She began to walk again.
“Buffy! We slept together! Doesn’t mean anything?” He asked desperately. Buffy turned around.
“It happened a week ago Spike. It wasn’t-” She was interrupted.
“Why do you always push me away?” Spike asked. “Haven't you learned anything yet? “You need me luv! I'm a vampire.” She didn't know where she got the accuracy, but she somehow found it. Buffy slapped him dead in the face.
"I do not depend on anyone because of what they are, much less you Spike." She spat.
Buffy shook her head again and begun walking. She turned around once more.
"And one more thing, I don't like to be touched. Everyone's been touching me, and smothering me. I'm tired of it. Do not lay your hands on me again.” She turned and walked off.
***************************
All the way home she was lost in thought. Before she knew it, she was back at her door. Well, really she was blind so she could actually know that it was her door..........
“Hey Dawnie. Ya here?” Buffy called out as she closed the door.
“Hey Buffy.” Dawn answered. “I’m in the living room.”
“Okay. Well I’m kinda tired so I’m just going to go upstairs and listen to my radio okay?” Buffy asked. Dawn jumped up off the couch.
“Do you need help getting upstairs Buffy?” Dawn asked. It took all Buffy had not to punch something. *God, I am so sick of this!* She thought inwardly.
“Dawn I'm fine. Okay?” Buffy said a bit short. "What time is it?" Buffy asked.
“About fifteen minutes past five.” Dawn said quietly, noting the tone Buffy had used with her.
“Okay.” Buffy began climbing the stairs. Once she reached the top she felt her way down the hall and into her room. Once inside, Buffy shut the door behind her, and begun the difficult task of feeling around for her remote. When she finally found it, she was grateful she had the tuner and volume buttons memorized. Buffy slumped on her bed and pressed the button to the radio. A song by Three Doors Down came on.
“There. A nice song, that won’t lead me to thoughts of Spike. Yup, I’m going to be doing some *serious not thinking of Spike.*” She turned up the volume as the song came on.
**There’s another world inside of me that you may never see......**
This immediately reminded her of how Spike always told of how he loved her. He always spoke if this totally different side of himself. Professions of love, turning against his own nature for her. But do you think she'd ever see that side of Spike?
**There’s secrets in the life that I can’t hide Well somewhere in this darkness there’s a light that I can’t fine Well maybe it’s too far away Or maybe I’m just blind...**
Buffy sat up uncomfortably. All her life Buffy had wished for a love of normalcy. She had thought that she found that with Riley, but then he left her. “.....Well maybe it’s too faraway......” Maybe Buffy just wasn’t meant to find it. “.......Or maybe I’m just blind......” Or maybe it was in front of her the whole time. The song went on.
**........Maybe I’m just blind So hold me when I’m here Right me when I’m wrong
Hold me when I’m scared And love me when I’m gone.....**
That’s exactly what Spike had done for her. When she went blind, he held her when she was absolutely terrified. “..........And love me when I’m gone.......” And Spike did. He loved her even after she died. Since she had come back, she had kissed him twice and slept with him once. After each kiss she would walk away, each step was like a knife into her own heart, and she didn't want to understand why. And after she slept with him, she had told him some pretty nasty things on her way out. But it didn’t matter what she said to him. He'd still ’love her when she was gone,’ when she left him.
**Everything I am And everything in me Wants to be the one you wanted me to be....**
Buffy was reminded how much Spike had changed for her, so he could be what she was looking for in a man.
***I’ll never let you down Even if I could I’d give up everything If only for your good.....**
Tears streaked down from Buffy’s blind eyes. Literally, and figuratively. “.....I’ll never let you down Even if I could......” Buffy remembered when Glory had Spike kidnapped, and how she tortured and almost killed him while trying to get any information on the key. Even with all of his blood spilled, not a single word was breathed about Dawn from his lips. And all those little times where she treated him like dirt, but every time she came to him he would help her. He never ever let her down. Even though he could have. “....I’d give up everything If only for your good.....” And on the last battle, the day Buffy died, he had fallen at least fifty feet trying to save Dawn. She remembered how he put everything on the line for her and Dawn. How he easily risked every thing for the safety of her and Dawn. Could William, her Resolute Guardian be worthy enough to be loved?
**So hold me when I’m here Right me when I’m wrong Hold me when I’m scared You won’t always be there So love me when I’m gone......Love me when I’m gone** **When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin I won’t tell you a damn thing that I could not tell me friends**
**Roaming through this darkness, I’m alive but I’m alone**
Before Buffy could form another thought, she switched the station.
“To many reminders...” Buffy said to herself. On the next station, Avril Lavinge came on with one of her new songs called “Naked.” Buffy smiled.
“There. Avril should be nice and relaxing. No reminders of Spike...”
Buffy turned the volume up as the music started.
**I wake up in the morning Put on my face The one that’s gonna get me Through another day Doesn’t really matter How I feel inside ‘Cause life is like A game sometimes......**
That was how Buffy felt when she was brought back from death. It didn’t matter how she felt, as long as she went through all the motions to fool her friends. Though she still couldn’t fool herself………..or Spike.
**But then you came around me The walls just disappeared Nothing to surround me And keep me from my fears I’m unprotected See how I’ve opened up Oh, you’ve made me trust**
**Because I’ve never felt Like this before I’m naked Around you Does it show?
You see right through me And I can’t hide I’m naked Around you And it feels so right**
She could never hide anything from Spike because he could always see through her. He was the one who knew long and before anyone else that Buffy was actually in heaven, and not hell. Buffy actually had to admit that she felt herself around Spike, and it was a wonderful feeling to have someone who knew you like that. She didn’t have to hide the way she felt around him.
**I’m trying to remember Why I was afraid To be myself and let the Covers fall away**
The more the song progressed, the more tears fell from her unyielding eyes to sight. And the more the song went on the more Buffy wondered why she hid herself from Spike. Well, why she hid her feelings of love from him anyway. But that’s just like hiding yourself so she might as well have been.
**I guess I never had Someone like you To help me, to help me fit In my skin....**
More tears fell as Buffy let the song finish out.
**I never felt like this before I’m naked Around you Does it show? You see right through me And I can’t hide I’m naked Around you And if feels so right I’m naked Oh, oh yeah Does it show? Yeah, I’m naked Oh, oh, yeah yeah, I’m so naked around you And I can’t hide You’re gonna see Right through me, baby.....**
When the song was finished, Buffy felt around the night stand and shut the radio off. In bitterness, she threw the remote some where off to the side of her bed. More tears fell down her cheeks. Buffy laid there and tried to go to sleep but nothing worked. She decided to feel her way back downstairs. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, she felt her way into the living room. She could hear Tara, Willow and Dawn laughing at something on the t.v.
"Hey guys. I couldn't sleep. I'm kitchen bound for snacks. Does any body want anything?" She asked leaning against the door frame. Dawn and Willow rushed up to her.
"Uuhh, no! No. We-we can get it. Right Dawnie?" Willow looked at Dawn. She quickly nodded.
"Yeah. We can. Don't worry about it. Let us get you stuff." Dawn said.
"Uh, no guys that's--" Buffy was cut off.
"So why don't you let us help you to the couch and we can-" Buffy ripped her arms out of Willow's and Dawn's grips. After seeing this Tara sprung up from her sitting position on the couch. Willow scrunched her brow, and Dawn took a step back.
"Look! I-I'm tired of everybody *touching* me! Okay? Does anybody remember that I'm still the slayer? Huh? I can handle myself, in here and out there!" Buffy shouted. "So you guys just, back off, okay?" With that, Buffy grabbed her coat and left the house slamming the door behind her. Willow rushed to the door to go after Buffy. Tara took up her shoulders.
"Willow, wait." Tara said. Willow turned to face her lover.
"But she's in trouble! I have to go after her, she- she could get hurt!" Willow exclaimed.
"Buffy's right. She can handle herself. Let's not go after her just yet okay? Just give her some time and space to cool off." Tara said.
******************
Sorry, Sorry, sorry that took sooo long!!! But I gave you guys a semi long chappie to make up for it. Thanks for sticking with it guys!
Reviews do help the posting process!!
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