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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you so much for all the reviews you left me for the last chapter. I was shocked. Never had so many before. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter just as much.
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A/N: Shameless pimping. If you've read America's sexiest home video and enjoyed it, you can vote for it at the Fool for Love awards Reader's choice poll. You need to have a live journal account in order to vote. Here's the link: http://www.livejournal.com/community/_fool_for_love_/11528.html
It would mean a lot to me if you'd take a second to vote. I wanna win damn it! lol :D And if you've never read it, well... here's your chance ;)
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CHAPTER 47: Tough girls cry too


The sun was shining brightly in the park, making all the colors more vivid. Children were running around, laughing and screaming while chasing each other. A little girl wearing a sky blue dress was sitting on a swing, a happy smile on her face and her long blonde hair trailing behind her as she swung higher and higher, trying to reach the clouds. Suddenly, she jumped off, landing awkwardly on the sand. She started running towards Buffy, but when she was close enough, strong arms intercepted her. She wasn't frightened though because she knew these arms well. Her father's arms.

William tossed her in the air, swiftly catching her in his arms. The little girl giggled happily.

"Where's my princess going like that?"

Putting her tiny arms around William's neck, the child smiled at him. "I was going to tell mommy how I almost reached the sky. Did you see how high I was swinging?"

William kissed the top of the girl's head. "Yes, puppet, I saw you. That was really impressive. Why don't you give your mom a kiss and then go try again. We'll watch you."

She nodded her blonde head eagerly, then wiggled out of his arms. Buffy watched her walk up. For some reason, she felt incredibly sad.

The little girl bent down to hug Buffy who was sitting on the grass under a tree, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She then looked at her mother with a smile, the look in her eyes much too mature for a five year-old.

"Don't be sad." She said in a soft voice before turning around and running back to the swings.

Spike came to sit down next to her. With one arm, he pulled her against him. He lifted her chin with his fingers and brushed a tear she didn't know had rolled down her face. He smiled down at her before pressing his lips to hers. Lost in the kiss, Buffy didn't notice the darkening of the sky and the wind blowing every which way. After a long moment, she pulled away and looked around with a frown. She was chilled to the bones and couldn't tell why. Then she noticed.

Buffy stood up quickly, her heart hammering against her chest. The children were gone.

Her child was gone.


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The first thing Buffy noticed when she slowly started waking up was how cold she was. Then, a familiar voice reached her.

"What the fuck do you mean, you guys are busy? We've been waiting here for an hour!"

"Ma'am... " A male voice started saying.

"Don't fucking 'ma'am' me, alright? My friend has been sleeping on a goddamn stretcher for an hour now. So you're going to get that smug face of yours out of my sight and go find that doctor woman. Got it?"

"But Dr. Burkle is busy." The other voice whined.

"Oh for Christ sake, grow some balls!" The voice she could now identify as Faith's exclaimed angrily. "Go tell her there's an emergency or something. Just get her here so I can take my friend back home."

Buffy didn't want to open her eyes. The pain killer they’d administered to her a while ago was still making her sleepy. And as long as her eyes were shut, she could pretend she was somewhere else. But even with her eyes shut, the harsh lights of the hospital and all the foreign sounds were making it very difficult for her to pretend. She was starting to remember and she didn't want to.

Flashbacks of Faith helping her to stand up and walk to the passenger side, the drive to the hospital, knowing it was pointless... Buffy couldn't believe it all only happened a little more than an hour ago. It felt to her like a lifetime ago. No. Truth be told, it felt like it had happened to someone else all together and she'd been watching the scene from a safe distance. Arriving at the hospital, registering, Faith filling insurance papers for her, then a nurse leading her to an examination room with ten stretchers separated by thin curtains. That's where she'd been for the past hour, waiting for Dr. Burkle to show up and tell her what she already knew.

Buffy blinked, trying to adjust her vision to the fluorescent light. Faith's face finally came into focus. The brunette smiled kindly at her, but Faith's obvious sympathy made her want to throw up. She looked away.

"No pity, Faith." Buffy whispered, her voice raw with emotions.

"'s not pity. Pity is one thing you'll never get from me. It's concern for a friend. That's all it is."

Buffy nodded. There was a long silence, both women lost in their thoughts.

The curtain was moved aside as someone walked in. Buffy looked up to see Dr. Burkle looking down at her chart with a sad expression. Faith stood up. She glared at the doctor, but kept her mouth shut. She looked at Buffy. "I'll be right out there if you need me."

Buffy managed a thin smile and watched Faith leave, drawing the curtain carefully behind her.

Standing by Buffy's side, Fred took her hand in hers and squeezed it gently in a show of support. "How are you feeling, Buffy?"

Buffy didn't answer, she just shook her head slightly and said "Isn't it strange how losing something you didn't want in the first place can hurt so bad?"

Fred didn't answer, just sat on the edge of the bed to encourage her to talk.

"Remember when you told me I was pregnant how I reacted? I was an emotional mess. But..." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to break down. "I guess I got used to the idea. I started believing things would work out."

"It's normal, Buffy..."

Tears started streaming down the blonde woman's face. "I haven't even told him yet... kept waiting for the right time."

"You should still tell him. If he loves you--and I'm sure he does--he'll understand.

Buffy snorted in derision. "Yeah."

She let the doctor examine her, keeping her eyes shut the entire time. Fred sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry you miscarried, but these things happen sometimes in the first two months."

Buffy finally found the strength to ask the question that kept torturing her. "Was it my fault? Is it something I did?"

Fred gave her a sympathetic look. "Buffy, no. Of course not. It couldn't have been prevented, I promise."

"But..." Fresh tears started falling. "I put myself under a lot of stress lately."

"I'm not going to lie to you. Stress doesn't help. But most of the time, miscarriage are due to the fetus not being viable. It just wasn't meant to be. Don't torture yourself with guilt, I can assure you it's not your fault in any way. You should go home and get some rest. Take a few days off from work. You have to deal with the loss. You have a right to grieve you know."

Buffy nodded. "Thanks. I'll do that."

Dr. Burkle smiled kindly at her. “All right. I’m going to move you to a private examination room and we’ll have to do a curettage. It’s not fun, but it won’t take too long.”

Buffy whimpered and shut her eyes, but didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say anyway.

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The ride from the hospital was by far the most uncomfortable moment in Faith's life. And she'd been in a lot of awkward situations. Waking up in a stranger's bed in the morning with no clue who the naked guy next to her was, telling her mom "sorry dad dumped you" when her mom didn't know yet that he'd packed his bags and left, walking in on her roommate naked in her bed, with her boyfriend... Still, nothing compared to this. Possibly because no matter how hard she tried to find it, there was absolutely no humor in this situation.

When you wake up in some dude's bed and can't even remember talking to him the night before; you can laugh about it the next day with your friends. Not this. This was tragedy and she had no fucking clue how to deal, or how to make it better.

Her own way of dealing with pain was to run away. She'd done it all her life until she settled in Sunnydale, found a job, and decided to keep her human contacts to a minimum to avoid pain, therefore not needing to run away anymore. But running away not being an option for Buffy, she didn't know. Should she stay silent and leave Buffy alone with her thoughts? Should she try to find something deep and thoughtful to say to her? Distract her with something that had nothing to do with what just happened? She had no idea.

Faith opened her mouth to speak about a hundred and twenty times, each time, shutting it again and trying to come up with something else. Her knuckles were white from the strength of her grip on the steering wheel. To make matters worse, they were stuck in the five o'clock traffic. Businessman coming back to suburban hell after a long day at work downtown, housewives coming back from their grocery shopping, school buses. Buffy was staring blankly out the window in a daze, which prompted Faith to open her mouth again. Anything to break the heavy silence. She shook her head. It really wasn't like her to be afraid of words.

"Look, I suck at this, OK?" She finally managed to say, the awkward words coming out in a rush. "I keep telling myself: "OK Faith, gotta say something there girl. But I come up with nothing."

"Faith, you don't have to..."

Faith nodded her head quickly. "Yes. Yes I do have to. That's what friends do, right? They help each other feel better. What good am I for if I can't even do that? Am I not supposed to be able to come up with some Hallmark worthy thought of the day crap? You know... "Tomorrow the sun will shine again" or some shit like that?"

Buffy gave her a look, and Faith rolled her eyes. "Fine, that was lame. But you get my meaning here, B. I really do suck at the 'comforting friend' thing." She sighed in frustration. "I just don't know how to make you feel better. I'm sorry."

"You're here. That's all I need."

Buffy's voice was so lifeless that it made Faith cringe. She nodded her understanding and tried to focus her attention back on the traffic while Buffy returned to staring out in silence. After five more minutes like this, and seeing that they were nowhere near Buffy's house, Faith had enough.

"Alright. I might get retarded when it comes to spurting sickeningly sweet words of comfort, but I can still try to distract you, right? If there's one thing I excel at, it's telling stories. 's not good to wallow in your misery like that. So I was thinking about what I could tell you. How about I tell you more about what happened this morning? All I said about it so far is that I'm the one who took care of..." As the words were coming out of her mouth, Faith slowly started seeing the flaw in her plan. She stopped talking and cleared her throat in embarrassment.

"Yeah, good job dumbass.” Faith told herself out loud. “So much for distracting you from your depressing thoughts, uh? Sorry bout that."

Buffy turned to face her, resting her head against the passenger window. "No. I don't mind. I'd like to hear what happened this morning."

Faith frowned, eyes trained on the traffic in front of her. "You sure, B?"

"Yeah."

"All right..." Faith drawled hesitantly. "I wasn't there for most of it, but Geek Boy--you know Andrew, right?" She asked Buffy, briefly interrupting her story to make sure the other woman knew who she was referring to.

Buffy nodded, a weak smile on her lips. "Sure."

"So as I was saying, Geek Boy was there and told me everything on the way to the infirmary. I had to send him away after a while because your boy toy was losing patience and said he was starting to regret saving the--and I quote--bloody annoying pansy's ass. Anyway, I wasn't there but I'll still start from the beginning not to confuse you too much."

"I lost a baby, Faith, not my brain. But go on."

"Well, you sure as hell didn't lose your sharp tongue, sister."

This was good, Faith thought. Buffy still had that vacant look in her eyes and probably wouldn't get over the ordeal for a while, but at least she was talking and listening.

"According to Andrew," Faith started, "He was alone in the showers when Parker and two of his buddies walked in. Of course, they started bothering him, what else can you expect from these idiots. And let's be honest here, little geeky Andrew wouldn’t be able to defend himself against a five year-old girl, so what the hell could he do against Parker? But what we found out later is that it was all a set up intended for Rayne. Guess Parker boy knew Rayne is too good a guy to let some poor defenseless dork get raped in the shower. Evil, but smart. So when your boy toy walked into the shower, he saw Parker and the two other guys holding Andrew against a wall. After that, things got ugly. Andrew said they barely talked at all. Spike told them to let Andrew go, they did and attacked Spike instead. The fight wasn't long and Spike had the upper hand if I can rely on the extremely enthusiastic tale Geek Boy told me."

"Yeah. Spike is Andrew's hero for some reason." Buffy commented dully.

"I noticed. I wouldn't be surprised to find a picture of Rayne under Andrew's mattress. But that's beside the point. At the time all this was happening, Jake and I were doing a routine patrol. Jake went inside the bathroom for a quick check. I couldn't go in with him because apparently, it makes little boys self-conscious to have a girl in there with them when they're showering." She lifted an eyebrow and glanced briefly at Buffy. "I think some of them just don't want me to know they have small dicks."

"Faith? Story."

"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Jake was in the bathroom and I could hear commotion coming from inside so I pushed the door open and called out for him, thinking he might be in trouble. When he didn't answer, I told myself "fuck the prisoners' modesty" and walked right in. Jake was standing in the entrance to the showers with his arms crossed, looking at what was going on and not doing anything. I quickly walked up to him to see what he was looking at. I was just in time to see Parker stabbing Spike once with a homemade weapon. I yelled at Jake to do something but he told me to relax and watch. So I pushed him out of the way and stopped Parker just as he was going to hit again. I knocked him out with my taser. The two other cowards ran. Jake didn't even try to stop them, or help me help Spike. He fucking walked out on me. I had to try to stop Spike's bleeding and call for help on my radio at the same time."

Faith shook her head in disbelief, her eyes suspiciously wet as she remembered what happened in the morning. "The fucking asshole left me there alone."

“I’ll fire his ass.” Buffy said in a cold voice. “I don’t care how hard the Union tries to fight me on this one, this bastard won’t be working in my prison any longer, I promise.”

Faith tried to laugh it off, but Buffy could tell she was upset. The blonde woman reached over and took Faith’s hand in hers, giving her a small smile.

"So, anyway, you know the rest of the story. One hot prison boy saved by yours truly." She slowed down when they reached Buffy's house. "Too bad I couldn't do the same for you." She said under her breath.

"What did you say?" Buffy asked, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Nothing." Faith said, glancing quickly in Buffy's direction.

Buffy decided not to push. She knew what Faith had said, just didn't know how to respond.

Faith expertly maneuvered the wheel to park the car in Buffy's drive way. Instead of getting out of the car right away, the two women remained seated in silence. Faith was staring straight ahead. She finally spoke.

"It's just... Maybe I could have drove faster. Taken a short cut. I don't know... I'm sure there was something I could have done to stop this from happening."

This time, the tough woman let a single tear escape her usually fierce control over her emotions. She furiously wiped it with her fingers, annoyed at her own weakness.

Buffy looked down at her hands that were clasped together in her lap. Her hair fell in front of her face, hiding her expression from her friend.

When she spoke, it was barely above a whisper, but Faith heard her loud and clear. Painful words have a way of reaching you even when you don't want to hear them. "I lost it in the parking lot, Faith. There was nothing you could have done; it was already too late."

In a matter of seconds, Faith made the decision that only for today, it was OK to let herself be vulnerable. Today, she could let her guard down... only for a little while. She reached out and pulled Buffy into her arms. The two women cried for the longest time in the parked car; a flow of emotions they'd both been holding back for too long. And it felt good. That feeling wouldn't last, but for now, it was better than nothing.

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