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Author's Chapter Notes:
I took a little break, but I'm back. I'll do my best to work on PMJ and Aloha as much as I can in the next couple of days and hopefully, will have more updates for you. Thanks for your continuous support and reviews. You guys are the best! {{hugs}}
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CHAPTER 50: Tough love

The short drive to Sunnydale’s prison was made in absolute silence. It was getting late and Giles tried to focus his attention on the road and leave the girl sitting next to him alone with her thoughts. They'd left Buffy's house much later than intended. Buffy had stalled as much as she could, then Dawn had decided to cook them a meal. It was now almost ten o'clock. It would make things more complicated, but at this point, he didn't even care what the guards would think of him taking Spike from his cell so late at night. They’d have to shut their bloody trap and do as he said.

Giles glanced at Buffy a few times, worry etched on his features. The young woman was sitting stiffly in the passenger seat, her hand holding on to the door handle so tightly that her knuckles were white with the strain. She was staring blankly at the houses and trees zooming by. As they approached the prison's parking lot, he saw the look of panic flashing in her hazel eyes.

"I can't. Please turn around--I can't do this. I don't know what to tell him. He doesn't even know I was pregnant. What if he reacts badly? What if he's mad at me for getting pregnant in the first place? Or worst, what if he's relieved that I lost it? I don't think I could handle this."

"Buffy, you love this man, don't you?"

She gave him a puzzled look, not understanding what he was getting at. "Well, yeah... What do you think this is all about?"

Giles tried very hard not to sigh, but failed. "Then I think maybe you should have a little more faith in him. I suspect that you would not be so much in love with William Rayne if he was the kind of man who would be relieved to hear that you went through a miscarriage."

"I know."

Giles swiped his security card to open the gates leading to the parking lot. He waved at the guard and slowly drove to the parking spot near the entrance door that had his name on it, right next to the one that said: B. Summers.

They got inside the building and made their way through the security point. The night shift guard, who didn't get to see the warden very often, opened surprised eyes when he noticed Buffy standing behind Giles. He scrambled to his feet in a hurry.

"Ms. Summer? What brings you here at this time? Is there something wrong?"

Giles answered for Buffy. "Sit down, Smith. I don't think Ms. Summers needs an interrogation right now. She needed to retrieve some papers from her office. Ms. Rosenberg is doing a good job replacing her, but Ms. Summers is still the warden and can be here in the middle of the night if she feels like it."

"O--of course." The man stammered uncomfortably. "I wasn't implying that she couldn't. I was just surprised."

The other guard on duty, who had been silently observing the scene while sipping on his coffee, snickered at his colleague's embarrassment.

Buffy hadn’t said a word, but only a quick glance from the corner of his eyes told Giles that her entire demeanor had changed. Gone was the panic he’d seen there earlier. It had been replaced by a cool and collected look brought on by sheer determination at not letting her employees witness her distress.

They left the two guards behind and went straight to her office without crossing paths with anybody else. By day the prison was buzzing with activity, but it was eerily quiet at this time of the night. Buffy watched as Giles filled out a release form, then she signed it. He gave her shoulder an affectionate squeeze before going to get Spike.

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“Mr. Giles? I didn’t know you were working the night shift.”

The young man, who seemed to be in his late twenties, fell into step with Giles. The older man barely suppressed a sigh of annoyance. He didn’t like Johnson. The guard was one of those people who always have a look on their face that says they think they’re more important than they actually are. Bossy and arrogant, even when he was affecting humility in front of his superior.

Giles didn’t even bother pointing out to young guard that he wasn’t wearing his uniform, therefore wasn’t on duty. “I’m here to retrieve prisoner Rayne from his cell. He is needed.”

The two men stopped in front of Spike’s cell and Giles pulled out the massive key ring that was attached with a chain to his back pocket. Though he was expecting it, he was annoyed when Johnson challenged his authority.

Meanwhile, Spike had gotten down from his cot as soon as he'd heard the two guards coming toward his cell. Giles could tell the prisoner could barely contain his anxiety.

“Not that it’s any of your concern, Johnson,” Giles said, his eyes never leaving Spike. “but this has been authorized by the warden herself.”

“Ms. Summers hasn’t been here in days.” The young guard tried to argue.

“Well she’s here now.” Giles snapped. He shoved the authorization slip under the guard’s nose long enough for him to see the signature on it. “And do I need to remind you that it is not your place to question the warden’s decisions or mine? You answer to me, boy. Not the other way around. Try to remember your place from now on.”

Giles turned back to Spike. At the mention of Buffy, he’d taken a few steps closer, his eyes darkening with renewed worry. Without needing to be told, the prisoner put his hands through the bars so Giles could slap the handcuffs on his wrists, then took two steps back to let him open the cell. He then followed Giles out of his cell and out of the holding section.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Spike started bombarding Giles with questions, until the guard lost patience. He stopped and turned to face the prisoner.

“This is not my story to tell, Spike. Whatever questions you have, you can ask Buffy herself. All I can tell you is that she needs you right now and you better take that into consideration when you walk into her office. Because God help me, if you hurt her even more, I will make you pay.”

Spike nodded briefly, his face getting paler as they neared the office door.

“This thing between you and Buffy,” Giles added, not sparing the distraught prisoner a glance. “I knew it was going to be disastrous from the get go, but this is getting ridiculous and I’m starting to believe I should have opposed. It seems like the only one paying the price is Buffy. Things are clearly spiraling out of control and I believe you and I will need to have a talk later on. But for now, let’s not keep her waiting any longer than she has to.”

Giles opened the door to Buffy’s office, his face a grim yet unreadable mask that made Spike even more nervous than he already was.

Spike hesitated, not sure what was worse: Giles, or facing whatever Buffy had to tell him. He finally took a deep, shuddering breath and stepped into the office.

Buffy was huddled on the couch, her arms wrapped tightly around her legs. She didn’t even look up at him when he walked in.

Spike stood in the middle of the relatively dark and quiet office, unsure what to do. He waited for her to acknowledge him. When she finally raised her face to look up at him, her cheeks glistening with tears, he rushed to her side and wrapped her in his arms.

He had his answer.

While she cried in his embrace, he was flooded by conflicting emotions. His own grief, an overwhelming need to shield her from the pain, and an almost shameful desire to shake her in anger for hiding this from him. So he did his best to hold back his impulsive temper, shut his eyes and waited for both of them to calm down before speaking. He knew he needed to weigh his words carefully. She was already hurting enough; he didn’t need to add to her pain.

Finally, her sobs turned into hiccups and sniffles and he decided he’d waited long enough to ask the most pressing question.

“Why?”

She looked up, her eyes red and puffy from finally letting out the tears she’d been holding in for the past couple of days, and her face displaying her incomprehension. So he elaborated.

“Why did you feel you had to hide this from me, Buffy? Wasn’t it my right to know?”

She pushed away from him and went back to her corner of the couch, reassuming the position he’d found her in. Her eyes became vacant again as she looked away.

“Buffy?..”

“I tried…”

“Did you?” He didn’t want to sound accusing, but couldn’t help himself.

Buffy’s face was now a mix of shame and anger. “I did. I knew I had to tell you, but… I also knew it would hurt you. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Buffy, luv, how would you being pregnant hurt me?” He asked, his tone gentler.

“It would have reminded you that you’re stuck in here. That’s how! On New Year’s Eve, I barely mentioned that I wished you’d be free by next year’s holiday, and you totally freaked out on me. This is like, a thousand times worse! Having a family that you can’t be with, having a kid that you can never see?.. I knew this would make you even more miserable than you already are. And I couldn’t bring myself to do that to you.”

She wiped angrily at her tears, her eyes still looking at anything but him. Spike stood up from where he was crouching next to the couch, and sat next to her. He trapped his fidgety hands between his knees to stop them from shaking, his shoulders slumped and his head down.

"Shouldn't have mattered, luv. We're in this together. You should have trusted me to be there for you when you needed me." He said softly, his voice thick with emotion.

"Well it doesn't matter anymore, does it? I'm no longer pregnant so it's a non-issue. I don't see why you're wasting your breath discussing what I should or shouldn't have done." She spat out angrily.

She knew he had every right to be upset, but so did she. And at the moment, she just couldn't be rational about this.

"Buffy..."

"No. You're right, maybe I should have trusted you to be there for me, but I still need you to do that. I can't deal with accusations right now, Spike."

"I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just trying to understand why I find out about this now. I get what you're saying, pet. I really do. But why should my pain be more important than yours? Don't you think it upsets me just as much if you're suffering? Give me some credit; I would have been able to deal with the situation. Of course I would have been shocked at first, but not anymore than I am now. You would have had to tell me at some point anyway so I don't see what waiting accomplished."

"Nothing. I know that. It just made things worse. But I'm so used to be standing alone and dealing with problems without leaning on anybody that I was reluctant to burden you. I tried a couple times, Spike. You have to believe me. I even tried to tell you the day I found out, but we had a conversation that day and it took a turn that--let's just say--wasn't favorable to that kind of confession."

Spike looked ashamed. "Anything to do with me being an ignorant wanker and telling you it would be just dreadfully horrible if you'd get pregnant by accident?"

She nodded slowly. "But I realize now that I shouldn't have let this stop me from telling you. I know now it would have been the right thing to do."

"I'm sorry. I had no idea. And pregnant or not, I shouldn't have said what I said. It was insensitive."

"It wasn't and you know it. If we'd been more careful, none of this would have happened."

It was the sensible, mature thing to say, but it still brought fresh tears to her eyes.

"It was stupid, and a huge mistake, but I wanted it. I was happy."

Spike's heart filled with sorrow and the issue of her not telling him suddenly seemed inconsequential. He scooted back on the couch and pulled his girl back in his arms. This time, his own tears rolled down his face.

"I would have been happy too, luv. I really would have. Despite the situation. A child with you could only be a good thing. I would have missed everything, pregnancy, delivery, our child growing up... but at the risk of sounding like a nancy boy, I would have been happy knowing we created something good together and that my pathetic life wouldn't have been for nothing."

She hid a smile against his shoulder. "You're not a nancy boy... Whatever that is."

"So many things I want to give you, Buffy, and it kills me that I can't."

"You love me. That's more than I could ever wish for." She hesitated, not sure she wanted to add to his anguish, but said it anyway. "Well, that, and for you to be free."

"Nice dream, luv. But that's all it is. Even on my best behavior, I don't see that happening until I'm a very old bugger."

"You never know."

"Buffy..." He warned gently. "Better not go there, luv, it will only hurt you more."

For a moment she was tempted to share her plan to free him, but although she'd learned the hard way that hiding things from him could only lead to badness, she decided against it. "Hey, I've had a rough couple of days; I can fantasize if it makes me feel better."

Spike reached up to caressed the side of her face. "I love you, you know that?"

"I love you too."

"I only wish I could be with you and take care of you when you need me. It's so hard being stuck in this bloody place when you have to go home by yourself."

"Now you know how I felt when I found out you'd been stabbed." She replied with a little smile.

He didn't answer, but the emotions in his eyes told her he understood.

"Buffy... Are you gonna be alright?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"That's not an answer, luv." He scolded gently. "I can't go back to my cell not knowing if you'll be OK."

She sighed and took a deep breath, running her fingers through her disheveled hair.

“I think I will be. Now that I’ve seen you, it doesn’t feel as hopeless. I won’t lie to you: I’m not OK and I probably won’t be for a little while, but there’s a big weight off my shoulders now that I know you’re not mad at me.”

He gave her a disbelieving look. “You thought I’d be angry with you for having a miscarriage?”

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess when you’re depressed, you see everything darker than it is. Make up horrible stories in your mind. You have no idea how many I had running through my head since it happened Monday. It went from you accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose; to telling me you’ll never forgive me for not telling you and leaving the room without looking back.” She looked down, her cheeks flaming. “I know. Doesn’t make any sense. But I was out of my mind with grief and you weren’t there. My imagination ran wild.”

“I should be insulted that you’d think so little of me... " He raised an eyebrow, the corner of his lips curling up in a half smile. "But I know how it is when you let your imagination get the best of you. Done it quite a few times myself.”

“Giles was right; I needed to talk to you. That’s the one thing I wasn’t strong enough to face on my own.”

Spike decided against telling her that Giles was right brassed off and wanted to talk to him.

“He’s a good man.” He agreed instead.

“Yeah. I’m lucky to have him. I don’t know what we would have done if he hadn’t been so understanding and agreed to help us.”

As if on cue, there was a light knock on the door. Buffy gave Spike a slightly panicked look, her grip on his shoulder instinctively tightening.

“God... Not yet. I need more time with you.”

“I know, kitten. I’m sorry. I wish I could stay longer.”

He kissed the top of her head lovingly, then grazed her lips with his. The kiss intensified, reaching a nearly desperate level, but was quickly interrupted by a more insistent knock. The door opened.

“Buffy, I’m sorry to interrupt but it’s been more than a half hour. I need to bring Spike back to his cell.” Giles said in an apologetic voice.

Buffy didn’t answer. She buried her face in the crook of Spike’s neck and hugged him with almost bruising force. After a few moments, she reluctantly let him go.

“You sure you're gonna be OK?“ Spike asked again while holding her face between his hands and looking into her eyes.

Buffy nodded bravely. “I’ll do my best. Don’t worry too much about me.”

“'m sorry, can’t promise you that, pet. Of course I’ll worry about you. I love you, I can’t help it.”

He gave her a quick parting kiss and stood up to follow Giles. “I’ll call you tomorrow morning.”

“OK.” She did her best impression of a smile then watched the too familiar scene of Spike being led away by Giles.

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Spike followed Giles. The silence stretching between them was starting to lull him into believing he'd escape the "talk", but he was wrong. They rounded a corner and found themselves into a smaller, darker hallway. Giles stopped walking and turned to face the prisoner.

"I believe now is as good a time as any to have that talk, Spike."

"Could we maybe do this another time? I'm bloody exhausted as it is..."

"I'm tired too. And so is Buffy for that matter. And that's exactly what I want to talk to you about."

"With all due respect, Rupert, Buffy and I can deal with our own problems."

Giles let out an uncharacteristic snicker. "Because you've done such a stellar job so far?"

Spike looked offended, but had the common sense to refrain from answering.

Giles leaned against the wall and pulled off his glasses to clean them, lost in thought.

The silence put Spike's nerves on edge. He shifted his weight from foot to foot, desperately wishing for a cigarette, and waited for the other man to speak.

"You're not going to like what I have to say..."

"Whatever it is, I'm a big boy, I can take it. So spill it."

"I want you to break things off with her."

Spike was so shocked that he couldn't come up with a suitable reply.

"What?... What did you just say?"

Giles sighed, knowing his advice wouldn't be welcomed by the other man. "This relationship is destroying her, Spike. It simply can't go on."

"Don't you think you're over reacting? Our problems aren‘t so bad considering everything. We can deal with it." He lamely tried to argue.

"That's not what I'm talking about. I meant it literally. She's going to get herself killed."

"What the bleeding hell do you mean?"

Giles finally had all Spike's attention.

"I had an interesting talk with her sister earlier tonight while Buffy was getting ready. Dawn mentioned to me that Buffy made contact with the man who put you in jail. Were you aware of that?"

The look of pure horror on Spike's face told Giles everything he wanted to know.

"She really is trying to get you out of here and she's putting herself at risk in the process."

"Bugger. I had no idea. She told me a while ago that she saw a lawyer about getting me out of jail, but I thought it didn't work out and she gave up the idea. You say she talked to Angel?"

"I'm afraid so. I knew she had hired a private detective, but I didn't think she would do something so foolish as to get involved herself."

"What did Dawn say?"

"She said Buffy is trying to befriend the couple, try to gain their trust in order to get a confession out of them. She went to their house last weekend."

Spike shook his head in disbelief. "Bloody hell."

"These people are criminals that got away with murder. If they suspect even for a minute that someone is on to them, if they discover what Buffy is up to, they'll stop at nothing to silence her. Do you really want the woman you love to risk ending up a lifeless corpse? Do you want that on your conscience, William?"

"I'll talk to her. I'll get her to realize how dangerous this is and to stop."

Giles laughed derisively. "Oh please. Do you really believe that? We're talking about a woman in love here. There's nothing more stubborn. I'm afraid there is no other choice here. You have to end it."

Spike shook his head. "I can't. I won't."

"You have to. It's hurting her. It's not your fault, but being with you is hurting her more than you can imagine. Don't be selfish, William. If you love her as much as you say you do, let her go."

"Oh, right. Because leaving her won't hurt her." Spike's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "Bloody brilliant, Rups. Really."

"You're not looking at the big picture. Of course it will hurt her, I won't deny it. But you have to think of the long run. She'll get over it. She'll move on eventually."

"I won't do it. You're asking me something I can't do."

"Do you think I enjoy being the bad guy here? I don’t. But someone has to think clearly since the two of you obviously can’t.”

He took a step closer to Spike and put his hand on his slumped shoulder in a small show of compassion.

“Don't get me wrong, William. If the situation was different, I'm sure the two of you would be perfect for each other. But the situation is what it is, and because of it, I think she deserves better. She deserves to be with a man with whom she can go out and enjoy herself, eventually get married and have children. You can't offer her any of this. And for as long as the two of you will continue with this secret love affair, you're holding her back. Not that it will matter if she gets herself killed for you."

Spike looked away without answering. There was guilt and shame in his blue eyes.

"For her sake, William... Let her go."

There was a long uncomfortable silence before Spike said in a slightly shaky voice "Could you take me back to my cell, please."

"Of course." Giles answered curtly while dropping his hand from Spike‘s shoulder as if burned. It didn’t look like he’d got through to the stubborn prisoner.

Not one more word was exchanged between them on the way. Giles led Spike to his cell and shut the bars with a loud bang and left, never looking back.

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