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CHAPTER 51: White lies and consequences


"You're joking, right? You mean the old bastard was helping you guys out? Now that's shocking news. I would have thought Mr. Stiff Upper lip would be way too uptight to do something like that." Gunn commented, clearly impressed by this new and unexpected bit of information.

"And trust me, it shocked me too at first. When he found out about us, I thought that was it. The git can be down right scary at times." Spike said, remembering all too well how he had felt while following Giles out of the office after the guard had found out about his affair with Buffy. "But he came around and ended up deciding to help us."

Spike and Gunn were sitting in a quiet corner of the cafeteria, away from potential prying ears. After what happened with Giles and Buffy the day before, Spike needed a friend‘s advice. He couldn’t help but be glad that Charles found out about his relationship with Buffy. It gave him someone to talk to. He was confused, worried, and couldn't make a decision on his own. A part of him wanted to be selfish and ignore what Giles had told him, but he had been shaken by their discussion and was at a loss for what to do.

"And now the old man finally came to his senses." Charles pondered, not looking at Spike. He busied himself pushing food around his plate with his fork to avoid making eye contact with his friend. He knew Spike's volatile temper, and also knew the blonde British man wouldn't like what he had to say on the topic.

Spike snorted derisively. "You mean he lost his soddin’ mind if he ever thought for a second I'm gonna go through with this." He froze when his friend‘s words sunk in. "Hold on just one bloody minute. Do you mean you agree with him?"

Charles put his fork down and sat back to look at Spike, his hands up in a sign of peace. "Now, let’s not freak out, OK? Hear me out first."

"'m all ears, mate." Spike said calmly, but the warning was clear in his icy blue eyes.

Gunn knew he had to tread carefully. Sometimes, talking to Spike was worst than making his way through a mine field. "The guy obviously has nothing against you and her being in love since until now, he was on your side. So what I'm thinking is, it has to be bad for him to change his mind. He'd rather see a woman he has a lot of respect and affection for getting her heart broken than seeing her dead. If he only had a vague feeling that she might be in trouble, he'd talk to her first. If he thinks the only way to get her out of harms way is to get you to break up with her, then he obviously thinks there's no other option. But then again, I don't know her, and I don't really know Giles either. From what I've seen, he looks like a good guy. Not the kind of man who would plot to hurt people for his own personal reasons. But I could be wrong. Do you think Buffy would listen to you if you if you discussed this together?"

Spike took a sip of his cold instant coffee and grimaced in disgust, then carefully put the plastic cup back on his tray. He knew from experience what the answer to that question was, but wasn't sure if he wanted to say it out loud.

He'd discussed it with Buffy before. Had been quite vehement in making her understand that she had to stay away from Angel and Darla and give up the ridiculous idea that she could get him out of jail. Obviously, she hadn't listened and nothing indicated that she would listen now.

The sounds of the cafeteria were a muffled buzz in his ears and his heart was beating wildly as he came to the conclusion that maybe he had no other option.

"No, she wouldn't."

"And... Are you willing to pretend you don't know what's going on and just cross your fingers hoping she won't get herself killed?" Charles asked hesitantly, hoping Spike's head wouldn't explode.

There was a long pause, then Spike slowly shook his head no.

"Then it's up to you, friend. And whatever you decide to do, I hope it's for the best. I'll be there for you either way."

He watched sadly as Spike stood up stiffly and returned his dirty tray without saying another word.

Spike asked permission to return to his cell. He opened the journal Buffy had given him for Christmas, tore a page out, and started writing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was mindlessly going through some legal papers that required her signature. She was staring at the page in front of her blindly, her mind a world away from the office. After her conversation with Spike the day before, she decided that sitting at home moping around wasn't helping any and getting back to work might keep her distracted. Unfortunately, reading boring legal papers wasn't exactly the best source of distraction.

She blinked and looked around, startled when music started playing. It took her a few seconds to realize the source of the sudden noise was the Blackberry in her purse. Not finding the device fast enough in her over-size, over-stuffed bag, she turned it upside down in frustrated anger. She finally put her hand on the phone and answered. But instead of the sexy voice of her boyfriend, the voice was female, high pitched and unpleasant. It took her a moment to figure out who was calling her. Then she remembered giving this number to Darla.

"Hey babe, haven't heard from you since the party, what have you been up to?"

"Nothing much. You? Everything peachy in Darla and Angel land?"

"Sure. Listen," Darla said sharply, obviously not interested in small talk. "You're not still hung up on that little incident with your friend, are you?"

Buffy's eyes narrowed in anger at how casual Darla was being about what almost happened to Willow last weekend, but still managed to chuckle. "Nah. That's just so last week. I'm over it. I don't think Lilian is though."

"Because seriously," Darla continued as if Buffy hadn't answered "I’d like to feel bad about that, but it’s not really my style to waste time feeling guilty. So much to do, so little time.” She laughed, finding herself amusing.

“Don’t sweat it.” Buffy mumbled, trying really hard not to tell the bitch to fuck off.

"But... Although it was greatly entertaining to see you yelling at Angel on the front lawn, I still think I should make it up to you somehow."

“What did you have in mind?”

“A little get together. Nothing big. Just you, your friend, Angel and I. After all, I have to make it up to your friend too. She’s the one who had my pervy little cousin’s hands all over her.” Darla laughed throatily, a sound that seriously grated on Buffy’s nerves.

“I don’t know, Dar. I don’t think Wil.. We.. Uh, I mean I don’t think Lili would be interested.”

“Don’t be such a bore, Anne. At least ask her. Do this for me?” She argued in her annoyingly whiny voice. “I swear Riley won’t come anywhere near the house. He’s stuck on babysitting duty all weekend as his punishment for being such a depraved little fuck.”

Buffy was thinking fast. She wasn’t in the mood for a not so fun night at casa del Angel, but being alone with them could be the opportunity she’d been waiting for.

“Come on, at least ask her.” Darla insisted when Buffy didn’t answer right away.

“All right, I’ll ask. You’re right, it could be fun.” She finally said reluctantly. Of course, Willow wouldn’t want to go anywhere near that house again, but she could go alone. Then she would try manipulating those two losers into giving her the confession she needed.

There was a sharp knock on the door.

“Look, I have to go. There’s someone at the door. But I’ll call you back.”

“Fabulous. I’ll see you this weekend then.”

Buffy hung up, wondering if she’d make the right decision or if it wasn’t a little too soon to go in for the kill.

“Come in.”

Oh well, she’d find out this weekend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were standing in front of Buffy’s office door, waiting for her to tell them to come in. Giles had been staring at him and Spike wondered if he would make a comment or not. He didn’t have to wait too long to find out.

“Have you given any thought to what we talked about?”

“Yes.” Spike answered curtly.

“And would that be why you requested to see her then?”

“No.”

“I see you haven’t taken anything I said into consideration and have chosen the selfish option. I’d lie if I’d say I wasn’t disappointed in you.” Giles commented icily.

Spike’s eyes darkened and narrowed into angry slits, jaw clenched, cheeks sucked in. “Mind your own soddin’ business, Rupert. You know nothing of what’s going on in my head and how much this is tearing me up inside. I haven’t made my decision yet, and when I do, it will be between Buffy and I. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for us, but you’re not my favorite person in the world right now, so sod off.”

“Very well.”

Giles lifted his arm to knock again when the words “Come in” could be heard from inside the office.

He opened the door and made Spike follow him inside.

“Dear Lord, Buffy, what happened to that blasted secretary of yours again?” Giles asked as a way of greeting.

Buffy smiled, but her eyes were trained on Spike. “She was being her good old annoying self, so I told her I had a craving for a venti caramel macchiato extra whip double shot of expresso. Should take about two hours before she realizes there’s no Starbuck in Sunnydale.”

She frowned a little when she realized that only Giles chuckled. Spike stood in silence with barely the shadow of a smile on his lips. She would have though he’d find her antics amusing, but figured he must be in a bad mood and shrugged it off.

When Giles didn’t leave the room right away, she raised a questioning eyebrow. “Would you mind... Giving us some time alone?”

“Oh. Yes, of course. I’ll be back in fifteen minutes if that’s all right.”

Buffy stood up and came to stand in front of her desk. “Thanks Giles.”

He unlocked Spike’s handcuffs and walked out without another word.

As soon as he was out of the office, Spike quickly walked up to Buffy and pulled her into his arms. “Are you all right, luv?”

“I am... but I won’t be for long if you don’t let me breathe.”

Spike pulled away, looking slightly embarrassed. “Sorry.”

She smiled at him. “What’s up with you?”

He sat in the leather chair in front of her desk and pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her. “Nothing. I missed you, is all. I was so worried about you after our talk yesterday that I couldn‘t sleep last night.”

"You're own damn fault, you big dummie."

Spike opened his mouth in surprise, but then shut it when he couldn't find anything to say to that.

"Don't look at me like that. I told you not to worry, and you did it anyway. So... Your fault."

She smiled bravely at him, unwilling to let him see that he had reasons to worry. No, she wasn’t fine. Not yet, and probably not for a while. But right now, she wanted to pretend. Pretend that nothing happened and everything was as it was a week ago. She’d tried crying, she’d tried moping, she’d tried staring at the ceiling for hours on end, now, she wanted to give denial a try too.

“So, you’re all right then?”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Second time you ask me in three minutes and yes, I’m fine. I swear, if I hear that question again, I’m gonna scream. Between Giles, Dawn, Faith and you, I probably heard it around 356 times in five days.”

“You’re keeping count?”

“More like a vague estimation. But still, I’ve been asked that question a LOT. Believe me. And I don’t see why people keep asking since my answer is the same every time. I am fine.”

“Maybe people keep asking because they know that’s a lie.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s still the answer they’re gonna get, so why bother?”

“Because we love you and worry about you.”

She sighed and looked down, one of her hands idly caressing his hard chest. “I’m sorry. I know I’m being a bitch and you’re just concerned about me. But I just really don’t want to talk about it right now. I came to work to keep my mind off of it. Can you please let me be denial girl for a little while? Please?”

“Anything for you, luv. If that’s what you need right now, then let’s drop the subject.”

“Thank you.”

She smiled gratefully and pressed her soft lips against his. She kissed him slowly, tasting him and caressing him with her warm tongue.

Truth be told, he needed distracting just as much. He was haunted by Giles and Gunn’s words and at the moment, all he wanted was to focus on the feel of his girl in his arms. Those fifteen minutes they had together might be the last depending on how it went. He hadn’t made up his mind yet and this could go one way or another. No. Not thinking about that now.

He returned the kiss, exploring her mouth as if it was their very first time. Taking in her scent, memorizing the feel of her body against his. God he didn’t want to lose this woman. She was his world and without her, he had nothing.

Spike felt Buffy move against him. She twisted in his lap to face him more completely, putting a knee on each side of him. Her skirt rode up around her hips and he could feel her warmth through the harsh cotton of his uniform. His cock jumped to life at the first contact, demanding attention. Buffy instinctively reached down between them to caress him, her lips never losing contact with his.

Spike pulled away just enough to be able to speak. “I love you.” He said while looking intently into her eyes. “You know that, right?”

“Of course I do. I love you too, Spike.”

He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Good. I just needed to make sure that you knew.”

He pulled her back against him, holding her so close that she could barely move. They made out like teenagers for a while, hands exploring, lips tasting every inch of skin they could find while still clothed. Spike was getting painfully hard with Buffy shifting her hips rhythmically against his hard on, but when he tried to push her skirt higher and tug at her panties, she suddenly froze.

“What’s wrong, kitten?”

“Oh God, Spike... I’m sorry.” She mumbled, blushing bright red.

“What?”

She hung her head in embarrassment. “You’re gonna think I’m the worse cock tease ever.”

He gave her a puzzled look. “Why would you say that?”

“I almost forgot that I...” She looked away, her good mood evaporating instantly. It seemed that every time she tried to forget about the miscarriage for a few minutes, it found ways to remind her. “The doctor said I should avoid sex for a least a week, or until I stop bleeding. I haven’t yet. Stopped bleeding I mean.” She said, so low that he had to get closer to hear her.

Spike tenderly pushed her golden hair away from her face, then ran gentle finger tips along the curve of her cheek. “It’s all right, kitten. Come here.”

He pulled her back into his arms and she rested her head against his shoulder.

“We don’t need to do anything. I’m satisfied just sitting here with you for a while.”

“Thank you.”

They stayed quiet for a long time, Spike rubbing soothing circles on her back. He was hesitant to break the silence, but he knew there wasn’t much time left, so he gathered his courage and finally spoke up.

"Being with me… it’s caused you so many problems and turned your life upside down. I‘m sorry things got some complicated and you always seem to be the one paying the price."

"Don’t say that. Being with you is the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel alive for the first time of my life." "Buffy... luv, I need to know something."

"Anything. Ask away."

Spike hesitated. He needed to ask but was afraid of the answer and the conversation that would follow. But he had to know. "When I told you I didn't want you to have anything to do with Angel and Darla, did you listen to me? Did you give up trying to get me out of here?"

Buffy was at a loss for words. It didn't matter which answer she gave him, she'd be in trouble either way. If she told him the truth, that she was still working on it and had in fact been in contact with the murderers, he would flip out on her because she didn't listen to him. And if she lied and told him she didn't, then he'd probably be hurt that she'd give up on him so easily. God she always hated that stupid catch 22.

"I... You..." She sighed, angry at herself for stuttering like an idiot. "You told me not to, so I didn't." She hated herself for lying to him, but didn't see what choice she had.

He nodded briefly, looking away. How could she lie to him like that?

Buffy misinterpreted the hurt look in his eyes.

"I didn't give up on you, Spike. I'm just trying to find other ways to get you out. It might take longer, but it will happen."

"Don't you worry about it, pet." Spike said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. "I was just asking to make sure you're not doing anything foolish. I know we’ve talked about this before, it’s been bothering me lately. I don't want you to get hurt, is all."

"I'm being a good girl, promise."

She planted a quick affectionate kiss on his nose, but nearly growled in annoyance when the phone rang. With one arm around Spike's neck, she reached as far as she could to pick it up. The flashing red light indicated the call was coming from her secretary's desk.

"Yes?"

"Boss, it's me, Harmony."

Buffy grimaced and rolled her eyes. Seriously, who else could it be? She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yes Harmony, what is it?"

"Mr. Giles is standing here, depressingly bad moody as usual. He says he's here to pick up a prisoner. I didn't know you had a prisoner in there. Isn't it dangerous to be all alone with..."

"Send him in, Harmony." Buffy snapped, harshly interrupting her meddlesome secretary before hanging up on her.

"I seriously need to find a new secretary." She commented, even though she didn‘t really mean it. Despite everything, Harmony was entertaining.

Spike gave her a 'ya think?' look and Buffy chuckled. She reluctantly disentangled herself from him and stood up.

“Time to go then.” Spike mumbled darkly.

“Don’t be all sulky and pouty. I’ll try to see you more often from now on, promise. Well, as often as we can see each other without getting caught anyway. But you know what I mean.”

She smoothed down her slightly wrinkled skirt and while looking down, completely missed Spike discretely slipping a neatly folded piece of paper on her desk.

She looked up at him and smiled. “Can I get one last kiss, lover?”

She had no idea how ironic those words were. He gave her a bruising, desperate kiss that left her breathless, then turned around just as Giles walked in. He let the guard put the handcuffs around his wrists then walked out quickly without looking back.

It took Buffy a few seconds to realize that Harmony was standing in the door way, looking slightly sheepish.

“What is it, Harmony?”

“I drove for like, a really long time to find the Starbucks. Then, this really nice man at a gas station told me where to go. I think he was looking down my shirt while talking to me, but who could blame him, right? I got really nice breasts. And this push up bra I bought last week makes them all perky so I didn’t get mad. Besides, he was helping me, you know? I bought it at Victoria‘s secret. You should buy one. It would do wonders for you...”

Buffy was staring at the blonde woman with wide eyes. “Oh my God, Harmony... The point!”

“My point is that I finally found it. I don’t think I was in Sunnydale anymore though. Not sure...” Seeing the look on her boss’s face, she quickly finished her story. “But then, I couldn’t remember... Was it a vanilla soy latte or a green tea frappuccino? Or maybe a double moca? Why do they have that much choice anyway? What’s wrong with normal coffee? So anyway... I came back right away to ask you what it was you wanted.”

Buffy groaned in pain, her hands going to her temples where a tension headache was starting to form.

“And don’t you have a cell phone? You know, that pink sparkly thing that plays ‘Baby one more time’ every time it rings?” She asked her airhead secretary flippantly.

“Oh. Right. I could have called I guess.” The blonde ditz giggled.

“That’s all right, Harm. Forget about the coffee, just get back to work.”

“I’m on it, boss!” She answered perkily before leaving the office in a twirl of pink skirt.

Buffy went to sit behind her desk, ready to get back to work, when she spotted the piece of paper with her name on it. She frowned, wondering where it came from, then picked it up and unfolded it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The two British men walked in tense silence. As they turned the corner, Spike started dragging his feet. His bound hands were shaking and his heart hammering in his chest as he slowly realized what he’d just done. He came to a complete stop, the guard nearly bumping into him.

“What in the world are you’re doing? Keep walking.” Giles said, clearly annoyed.

Spike turned to face him and Giles frowned when he noticed how pale the prisoner was.

“Spike, what is going on? Are you ill?”

“What have I done?”

“Would you care to explain yourself? I’m afraid I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Giles asked, confused by the look of pure panic in the other man’s eyes.

“I need to go back.”

Giles raised a hand to stop the prisoner from going back. “That’s quite enough, Spike. You will tell me what’s going on right now because I just about ran out of patience.”

“It’s all your fault you bloody pillock!” Spike snarled. “Why the bleeding hell did I ever listen to you? Buffy will be devastated. I need to go back before she reads the letter.”

Realization finally dawned on Giles and his eyes widened with understanding. “You did it? You broke things off with her?”

“I shouldn’t have done it. It was a mistake.”

Then something clicked in Giles’s head. “You broke up with her in a letter?” He asked in disbelief. “Dear lord! And you call me a pillock?”

“Do you seriously think I would have been able to go through with it while looking at her?” It was Spike’s turn to look at Giles as if he’d grown a second head.

“Fair enough. What made you change your mind? I thought you said you hadn’t reached a decision yet?”

“She lied to me. I asked her if she made contact with Angel and she said no. Made me realize you were right and nothing I said would stop her. I had the letter in my pocket when you took me to her office, I just hadn’t decided if I was going to give it to her or not.”

“You did the right thing.”

“Are you out of your bleeding mind?! It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Take me back. I can’t do this to her. Not now after what she‘s been through this week. Bloody heartless, is what it is.”

“No William. You did what you had to do. It’s for the best. I know you don’t see it now, but you will eventually. And so will she.”

Spike laughed almost hysterically, the sound quickly turning into a choked sob. He leaned against the wall for support, eyes shut tightly, his face a mask of anguish. He raised his bound hands to his face to hide his tears.

Giles looked away, unable to bear the sight of the broken man. He hated to admit it even to himself, but maybe his advice hadn’t been as wise as he’d originally thought. But if in the end, it saved Buffy’s life, it would be worth feeling guilty for a little while.

“I’m sorry, William. I sincerely am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy,

If you’re reading this, it’s most likely because I was too much of a coward to do this while looking into your eyes. I love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I know you might doubt it after you finish reading this letter, but I can only hope that some day, you’ll understand.

It’s because I love you so much that I have to let you go. God, I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. But one of us has to do it. I have to be the strong one because I don’t think you’ll ever end our relationship yourself. You have to believe that this is killing me. The only moments of happiness I’ve experience over the past couple of years have been in the last few months with you and to not have you in my life anymore is like condemning myself to Hell. But I’ve seen what being with me has done to you and that’s why it has to stop. I’m holding you back and I’m starting to hate myself for it. You deserve so much more, luv. You have your entire life in front of you, with many chances of being happy. Chances you will pass by if I stay in your life. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life trying to find a way to get me out of prison. It’s a nice dream, but it’s a dream that will never come true. And if the wrong people find out what you’re trying to do, you could end up dead.

You need to move on. Start living in the real world again. I can’t keep you in the dark with me no matter how much I want to. It will hurt for a while, but even the worst pain dulls with time. And some day, as much as it hurts me to say this, you’ll fall in love again with someone who can give you the life you deserve.

Please, Buffy, please don’t hate me. I’m begging you. I couldn’t live knowing that you hate me. But this had to be done before my love for you completely destroys your life. You probably think I’m a right bloody bastard to be doing this in a letter instead of facing you, but I wasn’t strong enough. Forgive me.

I love you. So much, you’ll never know.

William

Her face void of any emotion, Buffy folded the letter the way she found it, put it into her purse, stood up stiffly and left the office without a word to anybody. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





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