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CHAPTER 12 - What Is This Thing We're Feeling?

Apart from Elizabeth’s own personal reasons for not wanting William to be there, there was also the effect his presence was having on her uncle’s progress on his book, she recognised irritably as she stared at her empty, pin neat desk. He’d been there two weeks now and Giles was spending more time with William and at the university than actually at home.

In spite of this though, she had to admit that she’d never seen her uncle look so well, he seemed to thrive on having the younger man around. Only yesterday however, Angel had rung to check on the progress of the book and she’d had to put him off with a tactful fib and yet another refusal of dinner. The man was nothing if not persistent.

Today, William and her uncle were having lunch in Cambridge and then dining with fellow dons in the evening, leaving her with the whole house to herself for the day. Although, normally, she would’ve enjoyed the solitude, she now appreciated it even more as it gave her a release from the constant tension and fear of running into William.

Leaving her office, she wandered aimlessly around the house until she found herself standing outside William’s bedroom staring at the door.

What was the matter with her?

When William first arrived, she’d been panicked by his cold-blooded assumption that she would be a willing partner. Now, as the days passed, she found it harder and harder to cling to the shock and anger of that first day and instead, her thoughts kept returning to their initial meeting. To the feeling she’d had then that he was a man of strong character and compassion…a man with whom she could have had a lot in common. Everyday she saw another facet of his character and was forced to accept that he appeared to be strongly at odds with the impression she had gained on their second meeting.

Or was she just deluding herself? Was it just a game to him and all he was doing was deliberately trying to get her to give in? If it were just sexual, why didn’t he just go and find himself another woman? She had no doubt that there would be plenty of willing women to warm his bed.

The thought of him sharing what they had with some other faceless female made her stomach roll over in distaste. Abruptly, she turned away from his door and headed downstairs wondering if William knew that his greatest ally was the traitor within herself in the form of her own responsiveness.

Then again, maybe she’d misjudged the situation entirely and he’d grown bored of the chase. Certainly, since the day he’d kissed her so passionately, he’d made no further attempt to touch her…even with the most briefest of contacts. There were times though, when she caught him watching her with an odd brooding intensity that made her feel tingly all over. But they were few and far between and as soon as he saw that she’d noticed him, his features would lighten and he’d look away.

Outwardly, William was everything she’d ever dreamed of in a man she could love. He was caring, compassionate, intelligent and the night they’d made love, he’d been so tender and gentle. It was only afterwards, in the cold light of day, that her own sense of self-revulsion at her behaviour had made her realise the folly of ever letting it happen again.

And yet, there she lay, night after night…aching for him, needing to be held in his arms.

Angry at her own weakness, Elizabeth determined she needed a little physical outlet and turned her attention to the tangled garden. Being as they’d had a couple of days of sunshine, she decided that she’d tackle a bit of weeding and phoned Willow to ask if she wanted to help. Her friend agreed as she had a couple of hours to spare and it’d been a few days since they’d last talked.

While she waited for Willow to arrive, she changed into a scruffy pair of jeans and a loose sweatshirt. When the redhead turned up, they donned some overly large gardening gloves then laid down a blanket and knelt on it to begin the arduous task of weeding while they chatted away as if they’d not seen each other for years.

“How’s William?” Willow asked at one point.

“Fine,” was Elizabeth’s clipped reply and they spoke no more of him after that as Willow wisely changed subjects and told her of Oz’s latest groupie encounter with his new band. Elizabeth was soon laughing out loud as she pictured the stoic young man trying to evade a rather persistent girl who kept asking him to sign various parts of her body, even going so far as to hide behind Willow for protection.

They were so engrossed in their chat and their work that they didn’t hear the sound of William’s car pulling up nor realise that both he and Giles had entered the house returning from lunch to change for the evening.

From his bedroom window, William looked down on the two friends as they laughed and chatted and wished he could see Elizabeth like that more often. She looked so happy and carefree, none of the tenseness and reservation that she usually adopted around him evident in her body language or face. A gust of wind caught her hair, whipping it around her face giving it the same tousled look she’d had the night they’d…

He found himself swallowing hard, unable to drag his gaze away from the woman sitting so far below. It had been a huge mistake kissing her that day in the kitchen and he’d regretted the action ever since…not that he could’ve stopped himself even if he tried, but still…

He shook his head. Pushing, Elizabeth had been wrong…the way she couldn’t bear to look at him afterwards spoke volumes about how much she despised him for taking advantage and rightly so. It had been far more effective than the slap she’d given him and now…now all he’d succeeded in doing was make her withdraw further into herself, if that were possible, while making him yearn for her touch even more.

He sighed heavily. It was no use telling himself as he had done every night since he’d arrived, that she was just another Dru; another cheat…even if he were the man she’d cheated with rather than against.

For some reason he just couldn’t summon the protective disgust that had helped him walk away from Dru with his self-respect, if not pride, still intact. He tried to convince himself that both Elizabeth’s shock when he’d unexpectedly turned up and her determination to make it clear to him that what had happened between them was something she pretended had never taken place, showed exactly what kind of woman she was…one who could cold-heartedly cheat on the man to whom she was already committed. A woman who obviously had no qualms whatsoever in making love to a complete stranger.

And yet, no matter how many times he told himself she was unfeeling and calculating, his heart refused to listen. Continually it tormented him with images and memories of her softness and warmth; her heart-wrenching mixture of innocence and frankness; her almost loving desire to give him as much pleasure as she could as well as taking it for herself.

There was a weird kind of amusement in the fact that she was determined to believe that he was the type of man who was only interested in using her for sex. The proud way she’d looked at him when she’d told him that she wouldn’t sleep with him again had touched something deep inside and he couldn’t help but feel that she was almost like two completely different people.

The first was the passionate, loving woman he’d held in his arms and felt his heart and body respond to in a way that he’d never thought possible. The second was a shallow deceiver who happily made love to one man while being engaged to another.

And then, of course, there was the highly confusing fact that she’d been a virgin. Was that why she’d turned to him? Because she was afraid that her fiancé wouldn’t like her lack of experience? It seemed far a fetched idea and surely, if the man loved her, he wouldn’t care what degree of sexual knowledge she did or didn’t possess. Certainly, if it were him…

He shook his head, ordering himself not to finish that thought. He’d been through enough emotional pain these last two weeks, no need to add to it with anymore, ‘what if’s’.

Down in the garden, Elizabeth and Willow stood up and stretched out their cramped muscles. “I’d better head off home,” the redhead said, taking off her gloves and handing them to Elizabeth.

“Okay, thanks for all your help today. We did well,” she said, looking over the small patch they’d cleared.

“We did, “ Willow agreed with a smile. “I’ll come over at the weekend if the weather’s nice and we can do some more.” She gestured to the blanket. “Do you want help putting stuff away?”

Elizabeth shook her head. “No, I’m fine, you go. You can see yourself out, right?”

Willow said yes then gave her friend a wave as she left. Elizabeth waved back then stretched again and instinctively looked up at William’s bedroom window. The shock of seeing him standing there looking down at her completely took her breath away. She had no idea that the men had returned and immediately became conscious of her messy state. Mud liberally streaked her jeans and as she touched a hand to her hair, she could feel the way wisps of it were clinging to her hot, sweaty face.

Fantastic.

And now, William was watching her. Or was he? Why did she automatically think he was staring at her? He might just have been admiring the view of the garden. Except that, deep down, somehow she knew that wasn’t true. Feeling suddenly exposed and vulnerable, she hurried inside the house to have a shower and change into clean clothes. Shedding her trainers by the back door of the kitchen, she then jogged up the stairs towards her room.

Seeing her enter the house, William turned away from the window and fought the urge to go downstairs. Since their kiss, he’d purposefully taken a step back from the situation as much for her as for himself. And it’d worked…so far. He’d accepted every invitation for dinner and lunch he could so as not to be in the house where he was forever a slave to temptation.

Like now.

“Stay here,” he ordered himself severely. Turning back to the window, he grabbed a hold of the sill and gripped it so hard that his knuckles turned white. A creaking from the stairs outside had his whole body immediately stiffen as he turned his head to the side in order to hear better. The noise came again and he just knew it was Elizabeth. Within seconds all his determination to remain where he was crumbled to dust as his need to see her overcame everything else. In three strides he was at the door then moments later he wrenched it open and stepped out into the hallway.

Elizabeth was just approaching William’s door when it opened and he stepped out in front of her, effectively blocking her way. They both froze, each staring blatantly at the other.

“I didn’t think you’d be back until after dinner tonight,” Elizabeth said jerkily. “Just let me get washed and changed and I’ll go down and make you both some tea.”

“I can do it,” William replied firmly, drinking in the sight of her.

“Okay,” she acquiesced with a slight nod before moving to walk around him to her room. He stood to one side so that she could go past him and the gesture left her irritated with herself for being annoyed that he hadn’t made any attempt to touch her.

Once outside her door, she grasped the handle and gave a little start of surprise when William’s larger, slightly callused hand was suddenly placed over hers, firmly but gently staying her movement.

Tensely, she looked up at him knowing she should pull away but her body, once more, refused to obey. Apprehensively, she watched him lift his free hand, her breath catching for a moment as he lightly brushed his thumb across her cheek.

“Mud,” he informed her softly.

From the gritty feel of her skin, Elizabeth knew he was telling the truth and flushed hotly in mortification at the picture she must present. “I’ve started doing some work in the garden,” she told him unnecessarily.

“I know, I saw you,” he said, confirming her suspicions that he had, indeed, been watching her from the window. “Weeding’s very therapeutic, isn’t it?”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened. How could he possibly have known of the tensions and needs that had forced her outside in the first place?

His hand still rested against her face and his thumb began to stroke soothingly along her cheekbone as if sensing her inner turmoil and trying to reassure her that everything was alright. It wasn’t a sexual touch by any means but, starved of any kind of physical contact from him, Elizabeth’s body immediately responded to the light caress like dry timber to a flame.

William felt her tremble and his grasp tightened around her hand, lifting it from the handle and carrying it palm upwards to his lips. His brain was yelling at him to stop this madness before he got hurt any further but being so near to her and not touch her was an impossibility…especially after enduring two weeks of self-inflicted abstinence.

Elizabeth knew that he’d felt her tremor, but luckily the other, more betraying evidence of her desire was hidden under the heavy fabric of her sweatshirt. Only she knew how her nipples had puckered and tightened, pushing eagerly against the soft cotton of her bra in desperate need. A need that increased at the sensation of William’s mouth moving sensuously against her palm, his tongue flicking out to touch the frantic pulse at her wrist in an erotic act that had her bones turn to jelly.

Legs shaking, she wanted nothing more than to sink to the floor and just dissolve so that she could be absorbed into him and be a part of him forever.

And that’s when she knew.

Despite how much she’d tried to deny it to herself and him, she’d somehow managed to fall head over heels in love with William.

Her whole posture went rigid as her brain desperately tried to reject the idea one last time but to no avail. She simply had to face the fact that she was in love with a man who’d made it more than clear that he only saw her as a convenient body.

“Buffy,” he suddenly breathed, rousing her from her discovery.

She looked at him with wide eyes and jerked her hand from his grasp. “I-I have to get changed,” she said pulling out of his reach. “I have to speak to Uncle Rupert. Angel called about the book today.”

Immediately William’s expression altered, his mouth thinning, eyes cooling and becoming watchful as jealousy rose quickly within him at the mention of other man’s name. “Does he know you’re engaged yet?” he asked curtly. “Or are you going to tell him after you’ve shagged him?”

It was a cruel, uncalled for remark as William knew very well; just as he knew that it was her apprehensive look that had sparked it. He hated that she seemed afraid of him. What did she think he’d do? Force her to go to bed with him? His stomach turned in revulsion at the thought. Didn’t she know that would be the last thing he’d ever do? Couldn’t she tell that he…?

He what? He thought bitterly as she let out a choked sob and fumbled with the door handle until it opened and she went into her room. That he was in love with her? Impossible! How could he be when she was everything he despised in her sex…just another Dru…

He halted mid-thought then closed his eyes with a groan. How many more times was he going to try and tell himself that? Wasn’t it time that he got honest with himself and just admitted that he was completely, totally and irrevocably in love with Elizabeth and had been since the night they’d first met?

Opening his eyes, he ran a hand through his hair and listened to the sound of crying that came from the other side of the door. That was his fault and his heart ached at the knowledge. Letting his hand drop, he took the couple of steps to her door then reached for the handle and turned it slowly.

Inside the room, Elizabeth paced up and down restlessly, allowing the tears to fall as she tried not to dwell on what William had said. How ironic that the moment she realised her feelings for him, was the moment he chose to remind her exactly what kind of man he was.

How dare he suggest such a thing? Did he really believe she would…? She bit her lip as more tears came. Of course he did. And why not? As far as he was concerned, she cheated on her fiancé with him. Naturally he’d think she’d happily bed Angel as well.

Wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, she sniffed and let out a sigh before crossing the room to her window. Staring out at the garden, she knew that she’d never been so confused in her entire life. At night, she was tormented with memories of tenderness and sharing so strong that she couldn’t believe it was all an illusion. Then, in the cold, harsh light of day, she was forced to accept that she was nothing more than a one night stand…because, really, if she’d meant anything to him at all then he would’ve tried to find her, of that she was certain.

Feeling suddenly drained, she fervently wished herself a million miles away from William and all her heartache. But, as that wasn’t going to happen, she knew she had to face the damming truth that in spite of everything, if William still actually chose to try and persuade her to go to bed with him, she wouldn’t be able to refuse him. And now she knew how she really felt about him, the pain of making love with someone who didn’t return it would truly break her heart in two.

The sound of her door opening behind her had her spin around and draw in a sharp breath as she saw the man she loved standing framed in the doorway.

Oh God, this wasn’t good.

Elizabeth watched him enter the room and shut the door before walking closer until he stood in front of her. Staring at him nervously, her heart picked up its rhythm in a fierce combination of exhilaration and fear at the realisation that they were alone in her room.

William took in her tear-streaked cheeks and silently cursed himself for bringing her such pain. Who the hell had he turned into? Jealousy had never been a big part of him until now and it was a side of him he didn’t like at all. “I’m sorry, Elizabeth,” he said contritely. “What I said to you just now was uncalled for and I apologise.”

If her had walked in and announced his undying love for her, Elizabeth couldn’t have been more shocked. An apology was the last thing she expected from him and it managed to confuse her even further. What kind of man was he really? Who was the real William? If she could answer those questions then she was sure that her life would be a hell of a lot simpler.

“Thank you,” she replied stiffly as she folded her arms across her chest in a defensive posture. Now, more than ever, she needed to distance herself from him lest she succumb to a temptation that she knew she’d never forgive herself for.

She turned her back on him and continued her perusal of the garden hoping that he’d take the hint and leave. He didn’t. Instead, he stood behind her silently as if waiting for her to do or say something else. She could see him in the faint reflection of the window…close, but not quite touching, and the longer he stayed quiet, the more her nerves stretched taut.

Finally, unable to stand it any longer, she turned around and demanded shrilly, “What, William?! What do you want?”

William regarded her calmly and then took a step even closer, causing her to back up against the window. “You know what I want, Buffy,” he told her softly, her pet name coming out as a soft caress. “I want you.”

TBC IN CHAPTER 13





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