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Chapter Eighteen
FLASHBACK
"Hey Joyce, how's the patient doing?" Spike asked as Joyce ushered him inside her home. Joyce had called him earlier that day to tell him that Buffy would be unable to meet him that night for a movie. The poor girl had come down with a nasty flu over night.
"She's…not well. Miserable really. And bored to tears. She hardly slept last night and can't seem to sleep today."
Spike sniffed the air, "that chicken noodle soup I smell?"
Joyce nodded and smiled. "Making her lunch."
Spike grinned. "May I?"
"Of course."
Smiling, Spike scooped some soup, grabbed some crackers and made his way to Buffy's bedroom.
He rapped lightly on the door and heard a muffled, congested "come in". He opened the door and found her staring blankly at the TV, lying on her side. Tissues were all over the place, a cup of water and mug of tea on her nightstand. She was snuggled under the covers, her hair pulled back in a pony tail, her nose and eyes red.
"Hey, pet. How are you feeling?"
She jumped at the sound of his voice and scrambled to a sitting position. "Spike, what are you doing here?"
"Came to take care of the patient."
She pouted. "Really?" There was slight whine to her voice.
He nodded. Setting the bowl down on her nightstand, he sat across from her on the bed. "What happened, kitten?"
"I think too much patrol and staying up late to do homework. I ran myself down. I blame you."
"Me? How can you blame me?"
"Because you're the one who keeps me out so late."
"It's all you missy, I have nothing to do with it. You look like shit."
"Gee, thanks. Hello, I'm sick!"
"I brought you some chicken noodle soup."
"Sounds good. I could use some healing." She went to reach for the bowl, but he swatted her hands away. "Okay, so now I can't eat it?"
"I'm going to feed it to you."
"Really?" She pouted again.
He nodded and picked up the bowl. Lifting the spoon he held it to her mouth. "Now open up like a good girl."
She giggled and opened her mouth. He fed her until the bowl was gone. "You look tired." He noted as he set the bowl down.
"I am. I can't seem to fall asleep though."
"I think I know what might work," he told her. He gestured to the bed. "May I?"
She looked startled, "what are you going to do?"
"Sleep next to you, pet."
"How is that going to help me sleep?"
"Would you just give me a chance here?"
"All right, all right, all right."
He climbed under the covers with her, making sure to put a blanket between their bodies so that she wouldn't get cold. She lay down, facing him and looked up at him patiently. " Okay. Now what?"
"Turn around."
She did as she was told, without question which surprised him. When she had rolled over, he pulled her against him. He ran his fingers lightly down her arm and put his arm against her stomach. "Close your eyes."
She dutifully closed her eyes and he began to purr. She smiled, her eyes still closed and within minutes she was asleep. The door opened slowly and quietly. Joyce stood in the doorway.
Spike put his finger to his lips in the gesture of "sshhh"
"Thank you," Joyce mouthed to him and shut the door. Spike closed his own eyes and followed her into slumber.
END FLASHBACK

Giles wasn't surprised to find that Spike had not left the next morning.
"How is she?"
Spike looked up at Giles, his eyes red and puffy from crying so much. "She's all right. The doctor said she's going to be fine. She might be released by tomorrow. She needs rest. I'm staying with her, Rupert."
"I figured as much, Spike. You can't let her see you like this."
"I know, I just—I keep thinking about if we hadn't made it in time," Spike broke off.
Giles sighed, "I know. I keep thinking that too. I keep seeing the image of her with the knife in her hand—I can't stop seeing it."
"I vowed to protect her always. I vowed to keep her safe. I failed her. I failed her twice," Spike whispered.
"Twice?"
"When I claimed her. It was brutal. I hurt her and I promised to never do that."
"You can't dwell on that now. She forgave you for that already. She needs you now. Who knows what she remembers when she wakes up."
As if on cue, Buffy stirred. "Spike?"
"I'm here, baby," Spike said gently to her, rushing to her side and gently caressing the side of her face.
"I'll get the doctor," Giles said and went after said doctor.
"How do you feel, luv?"
"I hurt. What happened to me?" Her eyes fluttered open and she winced. "My head is pounding. Why am I in a hospital?"
"You don't remember anything, pet?"
"I—I don't know. I can't think—my head."
"Giles is getting the doctor, luv. Just rest. Close your eyes sweetheart."
He could see tears spring to her closed lids. "What's wrong with me?"
"Sweetheart, you need to relax. You're going to make yourself worse."
"Worse than what?" She was nearing a panic. She popped her eyes open, winced again and then looked down at herself. She turned white when she saw her arm. "What happened to me?" She whimpered and collapsed against the bed. Her eyes started to flutter and she passed out again.
"Buffy! No, sweetheart, please don't leave me. Sweetheart—"
"What happened?" The doctor demanded.
"She was awake. She didn't remember what happened to her and when she saw her arm, she passed out. She kept complaining about her head. It hurt. Can you give her something, please?"
The doctor checked her vitals, sent a nurse to get her some painkillers in her IV and told the men he'd be back in hour to check on her again.
Spike took residence next to her as Giles went to get something to eat and drink. Spike watched her as she slept and marveled at how fragile she seemed considering all the power she had within her. She'd been through a lot in the past couple months that she'd been back from her holiday. He was surprised that she hadn't taken off again. He was even more amazed that she hadn't staked him for what he did.
Taking her hand with the good arm in his, he kissed her palm softly. "I love you," he told her.
"Spike," she murmured.
"I'm here, luv. Come back to me, sweetheart. Let me see those beautiful green eyes of yours."
Her eyes fluttered open and her eyebrow furrowed.
"Does your head hurt, pet?"
She shook her head. "Nothing hurts. What did they give me?"
"Painkillers."
"What happened to me, Spike? Was I in a fight?"
"Do you remember anything at all?"
"I remember I left home to run some errands and then to see you. I was on my way to the bank when I heard this woman screaming. I was running as fast as I could to her. I ended up in an alley and there was this woman on the ground, crying. I went up to her and—and that's all I remember. What happened to me?"
"It was Drusilla."
She blinked at him, "what?"
"Drusilla. She—she put you in thrall."
"She put me—she hypnotized me?"
Spike nodded, unable to find words at the horror on her face.
She looked down at her arm, the angry red gash. "She cut me?"
"No, pet."
"Then why do I have this on my arm?"
"She made you do it." He whispered.
"To myself?"
Spike nodded.
Her eyes welled up in tears. "What else did she do to me?"
"She hurt you, all over. There's bruises. When you were late, I went to find you. Giles and I—we went to find you."
"Couldn't you sense I was in trouble?"
"It was faint. With the thrall she had you in, it didn't register that you were in danger. You didn't sense it, therefore I couldn't."
"I take it she knows about us."
Spike nodded.
"Is she dead?"
Spike nodded, "I dusted her. Told you I would if she threatened you."
She snorted. "I'd say she did more than threaten me. What else is wrong with me?"
"You suffered blood loss and a concussion. Pet, I'm so sorry."
"Why? Because it was your ex? Not the first one that's wanted to kill me, certainly won't be the last."
He stared at her. A minute ago, she was in tears. Now, she acted glib about it.
"I'll never get used to the death threats against you," he told her.
"No? You should. This—" she held up her arm. "Will probably be a lot worse one day. One day, I might not even have an arm. Hell, one day…I'll just die. If Drusilla were smart, she would have had me cut myself the other way—"
"Stop talking like that!" Spike shouted at her, bolting up from his place next to her. He looked down to see tears spilling silently down her cheeks.
"What's going on in here?" Giles stood in the doorway.
Buffy gave in to her tears at the sight of him and he rushed to her side, enveloping her in his arms. Spike just stared at her in shock and horror at how casual she made the whole thing sound.
"I want to go home," she sobbed into Giles' chest.
"Yes dear, I know. I'll talk to the doctor. We'll see if you can go home soon," Giles said soothingly.
They sat that way for a long time and she fell asleep again against Giles. The man lowered her down upon the bed and took in her sleeping form with unshed tears.
"What happened in here?" He demanded of Spike. "Making her upset won't help."
Spike told him their exchange and Giles paled considerably.
"She's deeply troubled from what happened," Giles muttered. "It's easier for her to handle it as if it's outside herself, as if it's happened to someone else. It's her way of coping."
"I don't want her to have to cope with it, Giles. I don't want her to have to deal with any of this," Spike said vehemently.
"It's the life she was chosen for, unfortunately."
"No, she was not Chosen. The Slayer is the Chosen One. Buffy…she just happens to be some girl with powers—"
"Just like Superman and Spiderman. They didn't have to fight the forces of evil, but they felt they had no choice. That's how she feels as well. It's how you feel as well, isn't it?"
"I do have a choice, Rupert. Whistler offered me the choice and I took the one that was her. Because I loved her. She has a choice too, she always has a choice. And I want her to take the choice to live. You know, she once berated herself for taking off to Europe instead of staying here and fighting the fight. I thought when she left that she was selfish. I don't think that anymore. I now think it was bloody brilliant of her. Look at her, Rupert! Do you realize what could have—I'm taking her away. I'm taking her back there and I won't let her fight another demon or vampire, ever. She wasn't a coward for leaving, she was fighting for her life. This…this is killing her. I won't let her do it any longer. I won't let her die."
"She's the one that has to make that choice, Spike."
"Listen to yourself—do you want her to stay and die?" He was incredulous.
"Of course not, you stupid vampire. I love her—she's the daughter I never had."
"Then don't you want what's best for her?"
"I always have. But it's been made very clear to me in the past that it's not my place to decide it. It's hers. You saw how devastated she was by the Slayers death. If she let innocent people die because she didn't help them, that would kill her too."
"I'll fight them all. Not her, not anymore."
"She wouldn't let you risk yourself either."
"Too bad."
"Spike, I think right now, you need to let her rest. You should take her away for a holiday. Take her away from here for a while and give her some time to rest. She's had a lot happen to her in a very short time and I fear her mental state is beginning to suffer."
"I'll take her away, and I'll let her decide if she wants to forever stay away. If I have to, I'll find a way to convince her to do it."

Chapter Nineteen

"You want to what?" Buffy asked Spike a week later as he sat before her on the coffee table.
"I want to us to go away for a bit. You loved England so much, we'll go back. I'll give you the tour as I know the place." He grinned at her, trying to gain her excitement. The past week had been nothing if not difficult. Her recovery physically had gone well. The gash on her arm was healing progressively and showed signs of minimal scarring. The bruises on her body were fading and while she slept more than usual, she was healing. In other ways, however, she was distant. Spike had practically settled himself into Giles' with her, but she had sent him home. It had hurt him to the core, but he respected her wishes to be alone. She barely spoke to either man, and oftentimes she was short with them. She barely let Spike touch her, and wouldn't touch him. She was treating him the same as when she'd distanced herself from him before and it tore him up inside. Spike was hoping that bringing up taking a much needed vacation would brighten her spirits and perhaps help her come out of the shell she seemed to have erected around herself.
She looked at him, devoid of emotion. "So, it's okay for me to shirk my responsibilities as long as I'm with you. But, it's not okay to do that when I'm not with you." She picked up her book and looked at it, not meeting his gaze any longer. "I'm not going away, Spike. But if you feel the need to, trust me, I understand."
Angrily, he took the book from her hands and flung it across the room.
"Hey!" She shouted angrily at him and bolted up to get it.
He grabbed her wrist, tightly enough to stop her and yet not hurt her. "What is going on with you?" He demanded.
"Well, I'm a tad irritated by the fact that because you suddenly feel the need to get away, it's okay to leave. But when I left, I got shit for it. No wait, I got bit for it!"
He looked at her as if she had just slapped him. "I just wanted to get away with you, let you rest somewhere where you're happy and relaxed—"
"I can't go away. Can't shirk my responsibilities remember? You were the first one to harp on me about that."
"I was wrong."
She let out a bitter laugh, "really? What made you decide that? When I was almost gutted like a fish by my own hand?"
"I told you long ago that I was wrong for thinking you were selfish for that. I told you that you are the most caring person I've ever met—"
"Well, I care enough to stay and fight the good fight that you're always talking about. Just because you feel a certain whimsy to get away from it—"
"I feel a certain whimsy to get you away from it," he told her sharply.
"Doesn't matter where you go or what you do to get away from it. No matter what you do or where you go—no matter how far you go—every time you turn around, there you are. You've been telling me all this time about accepting my destiny. Now that I have, you can't."
"I can't stand to see you hurt!"
"I've been hurt before, how is now any different?"
"This is the first time you've ever been hospitalized for it. This is the first time you—you—"
"That I could have died. And actually, it's not the first time. There was the vampire gang before that and all the vampires and demons before them. I could have died at any time. I could have been hospitalized at any time. The only difference between this time and all those other times were you weren't with me. You know what I think? I think you feel guilty."
He hung his head in defeat.
"Well, don't. You found me in time and I'm alive. You did your job."
Spike looked up. "Is that all you think you are to me? A job?"
"Well, that's the whole reason you're here isn't it? I mean, if Whistler hadn't come along and introduced us, you wouldn't be here."
"I chose to be with you because I loved you. Not because you were a job to me."
"You ever wonder what would have happened had you never met me? Or if there was some other girl he wanted you to protect? What if there was some other vampire for me to work with? I mean, what's so special about us? Would you have fallen in love with some other girl? Was this the way it was meant to be because I'm a supergirl and you're a vampire? Is it just a workplace thing? Is it even real? If I was just some normal girl with no powers would you still love me? Or is it the superpowers that really turn you on? Does a girl have to be strong in order to turn your head? Am I just hot for vampires? Or is it you? It occurs to me that I've never really given it a chance. I mean, yeah, I've dated, but I've never really tried ya know? I never thought there was a point to it. I always felt that somehow I belonged to you. Me Superpower, you Superpower, why would anyone else be needed? Well, you know what? I'm tired of living my life according to some plan. I don't want to give anyone the chance to dictate to me anymore. It's my life. I'm doing what I want, when I want and how I want from now on."
He clenched his jaw. "What are you telling me here?"
"I'm saying that I think going away is a good idea."
He blinked, "you do? We can—"
"No, Spike. I think you going away is a good idea."
He touched his chest—did she just stake him? It felt like she did. He shook his head, "no, no. I won't leave you."
"You don't have a choice this time. I don't want you here." Her voice sounded so devoid of emotion. It blinded him. He couldn't see straight, if he needed to breathe, he would have passed out.
"You don't mean that."
"No? Why don't we find out?"
"How can you say this to me? You know I love you. You're not just super girl to me. You know that—"
"I'm really not in the mood to listen to your side right now," and she turned away from him. "Let yourself out."
He grabbed her arm, her good arm and tugged her forcefully to him.
"What are you going to do, Spike? Bite me?" She challenged him coldly.
He let her arm go. "I'm not leaving you. And I'm not letting you leave me."
She shook her head and gave him a sympathetic smile. "Haven't you figured it out yet? I've already left you."
He shook his head. "You haven't. Not yet."
"Goodbye Spike."
He started to go after her when a voice stopped him. "Let her go."
The sound of the door closing signaling Buffy's departure was the only noise in the room before Spike spun to Giles and screamed at him. "Are you trying to keep me from her now?"
"I'm trying to help you, actually." Giles said calmly.
"How?"
"If you run out of here after her, you will not do anything but further anger her and push her away."
Spike plopped down on the couch, defeated. "What's going on with her? Why is she pushing me away like this? We were doing so well. She had feelings for me, she admitted she had feelings for me."
"She loves you. She still does."
"That certainly didn't feel like she loved me!"
"She's confused right now, Spike."
"How can she be confused about how I feel about her?"
"She's not. Deep down, she knows you really love her. And she loves you. She's distancing herself to cope with what happened. It scared her more than she's willing to let on."
"I know it frightened her and I want to help."
"She doesn't want your help or mine. It just wasn't the fact that she almost died that frightens her so much. It's how it happened, that it was by her own hand—"
"That Dru toyed with her mind."
"Right. That someone had that control over her."
Spike shook his head, "and of course that reminds her of when I claimed her and forced myself on her."
"I'm afraid so. She never did come to terms with her place as a girl who will never be normal. A lot has happened since she came home and hasn't really had any time to adjust. First you, then the Slayer's death, the vampire gang, you again and now Drusilla. It all came to a head when Dru attacked her. It frightens her to think that a demon could come along and toy with her like that. She feels as if she has no control over her life and it makes her angry. Therefore, she's lashing out at everyone involved. She won't barely speak to me either, Spike. Her coping method is to hide inside herself and shut the world out. In this way, she feels she'll also protect everyone from getting hurt should anything happen to her."
"So what do I do? Just wait until this rides itself out? I know she's in pain and she won't let me help. She wants me to leave."
"No, she doesn't. She thinks she does, but it would kill her if you did. Give her space, but be here in case she needs you. Don't crowd her, but be around. It will reassure her that no matter how angry and hurt she is, you still love her. Offer your help to her, talk to her, don't shut yourself out, but don't force her into anything."
"Is that what you've been doing?"
Giles nodded and sighed heavily. "She won't talk about what happened and I won't force her to talk about it. I told her that if she needed to talk about it, I would be here. She hasn't approached me about it and I won't push."
Spike sighed heavily and leaned back against the couch. "If she goes out at night to patrol, I have to go with her. I can't just let her go alone. Not when she's like this."
"As well you should. Just don't be surprised by her anger when you do."
"At least if she's angry, she's talking to me. That's got to be better than her silence."

*Yeah, I know, she's being uber bitch. Giles knows what's up though! TBC...with explanations from Buffy's side. Have no fear, Spuffy will persevere!





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