[Reviews - 129]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 3901 times

- Text Size +




Chapter 20

"Spike? What are you still doing here?" She had come in late after a night with Faith and Anya. They'd gone club hopping and she'd come along for the ride. She hadn't been comfortable with the attention her friends gathered from the male populace, so she'd hung back, which caused her to curse Spike. Hadn't she been the one to pretty much tell him she wanted to do her own thing, including dating other people? But no, all she'd done is feel guilty about it.

She came home to find the very vampire she was feeling guilty about sleeping on Giles's couch. She stood there, watching him for a while, touched that he stayed. Then angry because he'd stayed. If she could make sense of her conflicting emotions, it would make her life a whole lot easier.

"What time is it?" He asked groggily.

"Two."

"What time did you get in?"

She rolled her eyes, "well dad, I got in about a half hour ago."

"Where were you?"

"Out."

He sat up and studied her. She stared at him, not moving.

"Did you have fun?" ‘Not really. I thought about you the whole time.'

"Yes. Again, why are you still here? You do have a home." ‘I'm glad you're here though. I don't know what's going on with me; please help me. Forgive me.'

He smiled fondly at her, "you're my home, remember?"

She shook her head. "Knock it off, Spike." She grabbed his arm and pulled at him. "Come on. Go home." ‘Why am I lying to him?'

"Knew you couldn't keep your hands off me," he teased.

She shook her head, "you're a pig, Spike."

"Oink, oink."

When he refused to budge she gave up. "Fine, do what you want." She started for her bedroom.

"I love you," Spike called after her. She didn't respond. Shutting her door, she leaned against it and sank to the floor. She hoped he didn't hear her crying.


A few days later Buffy sat in the kitchen reading a magazine and sipping her coffee when the front door burst open and in came a smoking Spike. She jumped up, startled. She came running into the living room to see if he was all right.

"Are you on fire?" She asked, concerned. She circled him, checking to see if he was ok.

"I'm all right, pet."

She then glared at him and punched his arm.

"Ow!" He yelped and glared at her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing going out during the day? Are you insane?" She yelled at him.

"Have been for quite some time now, luv," he quipped. He rubbed his arm. "Sorry I taught you that right hook."

She couldn't help but smile at that. "Serves you right." She strolled into the kitchen to grab her coffee.

Encouraged, Spike followed her. "What are you up to sweetness?"

"Drinking coffee. Now I'm going to get dressed."

"Need help?" He smirked. She made to punch him again and he ducked out of her range.

"Are you here to do some more research with Giles?"

Spike nodded. His research with Giles consisted of finding out what big evil was headed for the area. Giles was also teaching Spike some of the fundamentals of magick. Spike figured it wouldn't hurt to learn some things to better in tune himself with Buffy. When that was done, he hung around for the sheer fact that he wanted to be there with her in any capacity she would let him. Which, wasn't all that much. She often retreated to her room or went out for long periods of time. This had been the most they'd talked in three days.

"Great. Well, have fun." She started for her bedroom.

"Where are you going today?"

"Not sure." It was like pulling teeth.

"Who are you going out with?"

"Believe it or not, I do have friends outside of you and Giles. I'm going out with Anya and Faith."

Spike was concerned. Hanging out with those two usually meant guys were involved in some way.

Play it cool, he told himself. "So, you don't know what you're doing huh?"

"Nope. That's part of the plan. Not to have a plan. Just do whatever strikes our fancy."

"Sounds like fun."

"It will be, I'm sure. Giles went to run a few errands so he should be coming back soon."

"I miss you," he told her quietly.

That startled her for some reason. "You've seen me every day," she finally said.

"This is the most you've spoken to me in three days."

She looked down and Spike noticed guilt pass across her features.

"I have to get ready," she mumbled and walked out of the kitchen.

"I deserve to know why you're angry with me."

She stopped, her back to him. "I'm—I'm not angry with you."

"Then why won't you talk to me? Why won't you let me touch you? Why won't you spend time with me?" He hated how desperate he sounded but he couldn't stop himself. He was literally aching to hold her in his arms, to feel her aliveness, to bask in her laughter, to listen to her melodious voice talk to him. He missed her desperately and was nearing the point of being beyond caring how pathetic he sounded.

She turned and faced him; eyes welled up with tears. She wouldn't look at him. "I'm not…anything, Spike." She sighed. "I can't explain it, it's hard."

"Try. Please."

She brushed furiously at her tears that were starting to spill. He wanted to go to her and started to move toward her and she held up her hand.

"Please, don't."

"I want to help, Buffy."

"You can't, okay? No one can. You want to know how I feel? I don't feel anything, that's what I feel. Numb."

"It's normal to feel that way after what happened."

"I don't want to talk about what happened!"

He moved closer to her, "you can't keep it bottled inside. It'll drive you mad."

"Yeah, no kidding." She shook her head and then looked up at him. "How did you kill the Slayers?"

He was taken back by that, and he took a step back as if she had hit him. "What?"

"How did you kill them? Did you do what Drusilla did to me?"

"Oh God, no—" He choked. "You're ashamed of me."

"I just need to know how you did it. Did she help you?" Her tears were freely falling now, but her voice was emotionless.

"No, I did it on my own. I—I didn't do what she did. It was pure fighting."

"How did it feel?"

His own eyes welled up, "don't ask me that. I don't like to remember that. How can you ask me that?"

"Can you really fault me for wanting to know? I mean you spent a century with her. You killed two Slayers. She tried to kill me. You had to know that question was coming. The only thing keeping you from killing me, is your soul."

"Even if I didn't have my soul, I wouldn't kill you. I love you."

"But you'd go back to killing other innocent humans. Maybe bag yourself another Slayer."

"No," he shook his head, "no, I wouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need a soul to not kill. You're my soul."

She was thrown by that answer and some tears fell. "I need to go," she whispered.

He watched her walk away from him and tears of his own fell.

"She never asked you about them before?" Giles asked later on as they looked through some books.

"She did, but it just threw me off guard. Today when she asked, she was curious but disgusted—with me—as well." Spike ran a hand through his hair, "she's angry with me for what I did."

"Do you blame her?"

"No, how can I? When I think about what I did—the soul burns me when I remember my victims. I just never thought she'd be the one to remind me of how much it kills."

"She's hurting, so her defense is to make you hurt too. She wants you to feel her pain."

"I do feel it. In my blood. Her pain is my pain. All I want to do is make it go away."

"I know," Giles said sympathetically.

"Has she spoken to you about anything at all?"

Giles shook his head, "not much. I ask her every day if she wants to talk about it, but she refuses. I just don't want her to think I don't care or plan to pretend it didn't happen. She is craving empathy, not sympathy."

Spike leaned back on the couch and glanced at the clock. "She's been gone for a while—"

The door flung open and Buffy breezed inside. "Just gonna change and I'm out again!" She called as she ran to her bedroom.

"She's been doing that a lot lately. Staying out almost all day and all night." Giles commented.

"I know. Part of the plan to avoid, I wager."

"It concerns me however when it comes to slaying. She might rather exhaust herself."

"Hey Gi—oh, Spike, you're still here?"

Spike stood and faced her. His jaw dropped. "You're not bloody well going out dressed like a trollop!" He shouted at her.

She raised her eyebrows. "You're dating yourself. ‘Trollop' went out with the…20's." She turned to Giles. "I'll be home late, don't wait up."

"Stop." Spike commanded using his control as her mate. She stopped, turned and glared at him.

"Spike," Giles said warningly. "Don't force her."

"Are you both ganging up on me now?"

"No one is ganging up on you, Buffy." Giles reassured her.

She shook her head, "I'm so gone now," and she flew out of the house quicker than Spike could catch her. The squeeling of tires were the only thing left of her. Spike rushed to grab his jacket and he bolted for the door, muttering under his breath.

"What are you going to do? You do anything rash and she'll never forgive you for it."

Spike stopped at the door and glared at Giles. "I'm through playing her game. I'm through letting her walk all over me and treat me like I don't exist!" He slammed the door and followed her scent. That skirt was mini enough to be nonexistent and that halter top showed off more than if she wore a damn bikini! Every pimply faced sodding git within a mile of her would be sniffing around her. And why would she wear something like that out—without him—if she wasn't planning on having those exact results? He growled. He was going to track her down and take her home.

Chapter 21

Buffy was hesitant at first, but when she thought back to how suffocated she felt with Giles and Spike constantly around, she was more than happy to do it. A little vacation was just what she needed. Anya and Faith were beyond thrilled. Who could blame them? It wasn't often she agreed to their little rendezvous. It was so sudden—which is often how it happened with the two girls. First they were driving to the club and then all at once Anya got it in her head on how fun it would be to go Salem and spend the night club hopping, get a hotel room and make a weekend of it. She had no clothes, but of course Anya did in her trunk. Anya was all about spur of the moment. This wasn't the first time whimsy had taken over her. Suddenly, Buffy felt free as they sped down the highway. Weights lifted and a sense of peace washed over her. This was just what she needed. A break. Fun. Isn't Spike fun? A voice asked inside her head. She frowned. She didn't want to think of the tiny tinge of guilt his name produced. Yes, of course he's fun, she told the voice. I just want to forget for a little while longer who I am, what I do. I want to forget that I almost died. I want to block out the thoughts that I want it all to end. And not in a pleasant way. The voice reminded her she couldn't run forever, and especially not from Spike. She felt a twinge of guilt as she recalled the look on his face when she told him she wanted him to go, when she told him she'd already left him, when she'd asked him how it felt to kill those two Slayers. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. She was just so angry at everything. She was angry at her mother for giving birth to a girl with extraordinary powers, angry at Giles for being the only one she could share magick with, angry at Spike for being the only one she could share everything with.

She was terrified for what happened to her. Terrified it would happen again. She shuddered. She hadn't told anyone, but she remembered what happened to her days after she arrived home. She remembered holding the knife in her own hand and being powerless to stop herself from cutting. The blood, the fear. She never wanted that back again. Then the disturbing thought had passed through her mind that at least that way, if she were killed, she would be free of it. Then she thought about her mother, Giles and mostly Spike. How could she leave any of them, but mostly Spike? She felt as if she were cracking up for thinking it, and almost wishing it.

Being attacked the way she had by Dru, she felt mentally raped. She was so tired of people dictating to her what she was, what she was supposed to do, what her job was. She completely sympathized with the plight of the Slayer and superhero's—however fictional.

She knew she was being irrationally mean to Giles and Spike. It hurt her to do it, but sickly enough, that was part of the reason why she did it. She hadn't been lying to Spike when she told him she felt numb. The only time she felt anything was when she was being angry. Staring at the cold, black sky, she wondered when she was ever going to stop.

It was late by the time they found a hotel to crash in. Buffy knew she had to call Giles and let him know where she was. If she didn't turn up tonight, he'd worry. She wasn't like a normal adult where she didn't have to report to anyone. If she didn't report to them, they'd think she was offed by a demon.
She waited until Anya and Faith had left the room before calling Giles.

"Giles, it's me."

"Buffy? Where are you?"

"I'm in Salem. I'm staying overnight. Maybe two nights."

"What? You're in Salem!?"

"Yes, Giles, relax. I'm fine, everything's fine. It was a spur of the moment thing. I'll call you tomorrow and check in—"

"Call tonight. I won't be able to sleep if you don't. What hotel?"

"Salem Inn. Room 208."

"I'm worried about you," Giles said on a sigh.

"Don't be. I'm fine. This is a good thing. Just…don't tell Spike."

"I can't do that."

"Fine, then just try not to for as long as possible."

"Do you remember what happened the last time you took off and kept something from
him?"

She flinched. "Bye Giles." She hung up. She would be a lot happier if Spike didn't know.

But Spike did know. Giles had to keep him from flying off the handle as he spoke to her. He'd gone mad searching for her. He'd been desperate when he came back to Giles and just as if she knew, she called the second he entered the door.

"I'm going after her."

"Spike—"

"Don't tell me not to do it, Rupert. She takes off like that and doesn't tell anyone until she's there?"

"She's an adult."

"She's not bloody well acting like one! She's acting like she has a bloody death wish! I'm going after her and I'll drag her by her hair back home if I have to." With that Spike slammed the door for the second time that night and went in search of his car.


It was nearing Halloween in Salem and therefore extremely busy. Salem was, of course, the Halloween capital of the world. People were already wearing masks, tourists lined the streets and Buffy felt panic set in. Vampires. They would be out and about. Demons, too. She had a couple small stakes in her purse, but images of Drusilla popping in her mind caused her fear to bubble up. Oh god, what if another one used thrall? How could she defend herself? The chances could be slim—Drusilla was the only one to have ever used it on her, and she'd met many vampires over the past eight years.

"Are you all right? You look a little pale," Anya observed as they waited to get into a club.

She smiled widely, fakely. "Yep. Just want to get my groove thing on."

Faith and Anya laughed and the three were soon ushered in. The club was huge. There was a bar in the back, two floors and fluorescent lights blazed everywhere. Bodies gyrated, music blared and people laughed. Taking Anya up on the offer of a drink, Buffy chugged down a beer. It would relax her and yet not make her drunk. She didn't want to lose all logic. If she had to protect herself or her friends, she didn't want to get hurt by being drunk in the process. She'd never hear the end of it from Spike or Giles. Definitely Spike though. Guilt washed over her again as her bite mark flared and she ignored it for the thousandth time that night. Instead, she joined the dance floor and let the music dictate her thoughts for the next half hour.

The boys were hovering around the three girls and it made Buffy a tad uncomfortable. She blamed Spike for it. She felt a nagging guilt. She almost felt as if she were betraying him, but all she was doing was dancing. And besides, didn't she owe it to herself to find out what other men liked? How other men responded to her? She'd dated sporadically, but nothing ever serious. She'd never been able to relax enough to truly enjoy herself. She always ran to Spike afterwards, desperate to be around a male she could actually be herself around. Now, here she was, surrounded by men who wanted her attention and she felt like a goddess.

"I need a drink, I'll be right back," Anya told her and sashayed off. Faith and Buffy looked at each other, shrugged and continued to dance. She danced, laughed and flirted some more. It was some time before she realized that Anya was taking a long time coming back.

"Faith, have you seen Anya?"

"Nope!" She giggled at the boy in front of her.

Buffy stopped. Signals were going off in her body. The same kind that had gone off before Drusilla came.

"Are you all right?" The boy in front of her asked her.

She looked at him blankly. "Yeah, I'm fine. I need to find my friend."

"She left a few minutes ago. She went outside with some guy."

"What?!" Buffy grabbed Faith. "We have to find Anya. She left with some guy."

"Good for her!" Faith giggled.

"Listen to me! It's not safe. It's dangerous. She could be hurt! He could be a vam—a rapist!"

"She probably just went outside to have a butt."

Buffy threw up her hands in exasperation.

"I'll go with you," the boy in front of her said.

Buffy eyed him warily. "I don't even know your name."

"Xander. I'm Xander. I go to Salem State." He stuck out his hand.

She took it, "Buffy."

He smiled, "nice name."

"Thanks, listen, my friend here—"

"She can stay here with my buddies."

"Did you know the guy my other friend left with by any chance?"

"No ma'am. Never seen him."

"You don't have to come with."

"It's not safe for you to be out there alone either."

Buffy smiled. There was chivalry in the world.

"Thanks. I think you should know that if you try anything though, I'll kick your ass. I have a
black belt." The last part was a lie, but she couldn't exactly tell him of her super powers.

He held up a hand in surrender. "Got it. No harm, no foul. Just want to help."

"Thanks. Let's go."

Xander told his friends where he was going and to make sure Faith didn't take off and the
two left. Buffy was annoyed with her ‘friends'. How rude could they be? How stupid? Didn't they know that there were vampires roaming around—no, duh, of course not! Buffy sighed.


Spike hated bloody Salem right at this instant. It was crowded and busy with tourists, college and high school students. Some were dressed up in costumes already, everyone was frolicking and it made getting through the crowd difficult. He growled deep in his throat.

The whole ride here he had been seething with anger, hurt and jealousy. She was acting like a
child, she was being irresponsible and reckless. She was battering his heart into a thousand pieces and he wasn't going to take it any longer. Oh he knew he'd never leave her, but he was putting his foot down, he was going to be strong gain a backbone. No more shutting him out, no more using him as a punching bag. He was tired of her loving him for a short time and then going back to treating him like crap.

He froze. She was in danger. She was frightened and her adrenaline was rushing. He could feel it in his blood. That's when he saw her, running down the street at full force with someone following her, calling to her to wait.

He shouted to her and started after her. He ran, pushing people out of the way. She was in
trouble, that was all he could see. She disappeared out of sight and Spike inhaled the air for her scent. He spun in a circle and picked up her scent to the left. He ran down a dark alley and took a right. That's when he saw her, pushing a man off her friend. The man rose and Spike knew he was a vampire. He called to her and ran over as fast as his feet would carry him.

"Don't touch her! Don't mess with her you crazy vampire!" She was screaming at the vampire.

Spike got ready to stake.

She began fighting the vampire as Spike approached. He called to her, but she didn't even recognize that he was there. He looked to see the boy and Anya standing there with their mouths open, frozen in shock. He tried to call to Buffy again, but she continued on. The vampire was weakening. He was starting to lose his energy as Buffy pummeled him. Spike saw a resemblance to when she invoked Kali, except he knew she hadn't invoked the Goddess.

"You're nothing! You're a fucking vampire without a soul! You're evil and disgusting! You won't control me. You won't hurt me anymore Drusilla!" She ranted at the vampire at the top of her lungs.

Spike's eyes widened. Oh God. His dead heart swelled and broke. She wasn't fighting the vampire before her. She was fighting Drusilla. She was lost in her rage and her fear. She remembered, that's the only thing he could think of. She remembered what happened to her and it was messing with her mind. Watching her now, Spike knew there was no way out of the hell in her mind unless he stopped her. She was in such a blind rage that she couldn't think or see beyond what happened to her. If he didn't stop her now, she'd be lost to him forever.
****

Buffy's world was a blur. All she knew was her friend was in danger of the same fate as she had been. The long flowing dark tresses of Drusilla blew in the wind and her vampiric face snarled at her. It told her that this time, she was going to kill her just as she intended and there wasn't a thing she could do about it.

Something snapped inside of Buffy though. Something unleashed within her and rage like had never felt before raged within her. She didn't hear the cries of her friends yelling for her, never even noticed when Spike had arrived. All she knew was she had to attack, and this time, kill. She lunged at the vampire and attacked with vigor. She sent a kick to her stomach and she landed on the ground with a thud. Then Buffy went in for the kill. She kept hitting and hitting, briefly wondering if it were possible to kill her with punches alone. She was going to at least try.
***

"Forgive me, my love," he said under his breath and lunged forward. Using all his strength, he charged to her and flung her off the vampire she now straddled and pummeled. She went back a good five feet and Spike used the opportunity to stake the beaten vampire. Dust flew and he walked to where she lay, now propped up on her elbows. Her eyes were wide with fear, sorrow and disbelief. He knelt down in front of her and held out his hand.

"Spike?" She asked in a small, trembling voice.

"It's me, Buffy. Come back to me."

She lunged herself at him and he caught her in his arms, holding her tight against him. He
stroked her hair tenderly, whispered soothing words of comfort as she sobbed in his arms. Whatever dam she had built inside her had finally burst. She was shaking and although he knew it was not because of the cold, he found a way to shrug off his duster without breaking contact from her. He wrapped the duster around her and cradled her close.

"I remember what happened. I remember holding the knife in my hand and being powerless to stop myself. I was screaming inside to stop, I was in so much pain, but I couldn't stop it," she broke out through sobs.

Spike wanted nothing more than to be able to stake Drusilla again and again to make her pay for what she did to Buffy.

"I didn't know what to do to make it stop and I couldn't get to you. I thought I was strong
enough to do it on my own and I wasn't. I wasn't strong enough to take care of one single vampire."

"No, Buffy, no! She played with your mind. She controlled you. You're strong. You're stronger than any bloody Slayer I've ever known. So brave, my girl is so brave and strong. I should have been there and I wasn't. God forgive me for not being there to protect you."

She looked at him, her tears streaming down her face. Her sobs ceased, but she cried inside, sobs still making her body shake. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you stake her."

His eyes widened. "Oh God, do you actually think--?" He crushed her against him. "I don't feel sorry that I did it. I told you if she ever hurt you, I'd do it. You mean more to me than she ever did. You are my life. I would stake her a thousand times over if it meant I'd keep you safe, if it meant I'd get to love you."

"I'm sorry I pushed you and Giles away. I'm sorry I was so hurtful. I couldn't stop myself. I –I think I almost wanted to die."
The thought horrified him. She had had a death wish.

"I know," he whispered and his own tears began to fall.

Her eyes widened. "You know?"

"Most Slayers at one time or another have them. I was hoping you'd never get one, but I know…I know. You want the pain, the fighting, the fear all to stop. The only way is to die. But, Buffy, that's not the answer—"

"I know. I don't really want to. I just…it passed through my mind and I thought I was cracking up."

He shook his head and smiled tenderly at her as he wiped stray tears from her cheeks. "Not cracking up. That's why I wanted to take you away. Get you away from all of it so that the day did not come when you did want to die."

"But I can't! I can't just leave. I can't let innocent people die because I'm not a Slayer and I have the option. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

"I know that too. That's what makes you the bravest and strongest woman I know. It's part of what makes me love you so much. That heart of yours is so big—you have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known in my entire existence. You have more bloody soul, spirit and heart than even any Slayer I've come across. And you feel the burden of it all." He looked at her imploringly, "let me take some of that weight for you. Give it to me. Let me fight with you and for you."

Her eyes seeped tears, but she was no longer sobbing. "How can you do that?"

"What?"

"Love me. I'm so awful to you."

"There's been times when you haven't been your best to me, I admit. But, you take care of me as much as I take care of you. You gave me a life I didn't know I was missing. You brought me laughter, love and a reason to get out of bed every—night."

She chuckled through her tears.

"I'm so tired, Spike," she admitted. She wiped her tears on his shirt and rested against him.

"I know, pet. I know you are."

"And I'm scared."

"I am too. I'm scared for you. I'm scared you'll wake up one day and want to die so much
you'll let it happen. I'm scared when you hide inside yourself and I can't reach you. I'm scared that one day I won't be able to find you."

"I can't die. I have a family, friends…and I can't leave you Spike. I love you and it scares me to think about the day when I do die. I know it sounds silly, but I'm scared to be without you when I die."

He froze. He pushed her back a bit and held onto her shoulders. She looked at him questioningly.

"Did you just tell me you loved me?"

She nodded. "I should have told you a long time ago, but I was too stupid to figure it out.
I'm sorry it took me so long."

His eyes welled up; he couldn't help it. She finally said it. He had to be flying now.

"Spike?" She asked, concerned.

"Say it again."

"I love you."

He pressed his lips against hers, claiming her, branding her and she responded in
kind.

He broke apart and looked at her still-dazed face. "Listen to me, when you leave this world…when you leave, I go with you."

Her eyes widened and she shook her head adamantly. She pushed away from him and stood up. "No, you can't do that! Why would you—how can you do that?"

"There's nothing else for me this world if you're not in it. I'm old, Buffy. I'm old and I've seen the world a thousand times over. This here, this with you is the only thing that's ever fulfilled me. If I go on without you…I wouldn't be living. I would be existing. If the Gods are kind, they'll place me with you. In Heaven. Where you go, I go."

She was crying again. "But I don't want you to feel that way. I want you to be happy and continue on. Fighting the good fight. Isn't that what you always told me to do?"

"I have and I will. I just can't do it without you." He tossed her a small smile. "Guess you can't die on me then."

"If I don't die by a vampire or demon, I'm going to grow old one day and die."

He nodded. "I know."

"You're not going to want to be with me when I'm old and gray."

He smiled, "oh yes I will."

She furiously wiped some tears away. "I'm so tired," she whined.

He stood and wrapped her in his arms. "What do you want to do now, pet?"

"I want to…I want to get a room and not go home yet. Can we do that Spike? Can we just
rest?"

He nodded and kissed the top of her forehead.

"Where did Anya and Xander go?"

Spike narrowed his eyes, "who is this Xander character?"

"Be nice. He helped me find Anya."

"Did you—do anything with him?"

She detangled herself from him and smiled. "Yes, we had hot monkey sex right on the
dance—"

She was cut off by Spike grabbing her and kissing her hard. She giggled and he softened the kiss.

"Let's get a room," he told her gently and wrapped an arm about her shoulders.

"I need clothes."

"Don't even get me started on that outfit!" He admonished her.





You must login (register) to review.