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Chapter Nine

FLASHBACK
He flung the door open to find a tear stained Buffy. Instinctively he reached for her and wrapped his arms around her. He hadn’t seen much of her in two weeks. Giles told him she had started dating some ponce named Parker. He was in her English class or some rot like that. They had been talking for a while and studied together. Now, they were dating. Spike tried his best to accept it and not let it bother him. He thought that maybe if he pretended it didn’t bother him, it wouldn’t. Truth was he was so jealous he couldn’t see straight. He kept revisiting their kiss and it drove him mad to think of some grubby git kissing her.

“What happened, pet?”

“I got dumped,” she wailed against him.

“Parker?”

She nodded. “I saw him making out with some chick from class. Turns out he was looking to get laid and I wasn’t putting out so I got the boot.”

He inwardly sighed with relief. She didn’t have sex with him. She was still a virgin. That fact about her made him even more protective of her.

“He’s a fool. If you want, I could scare him.”

She chuckled a bit against him. “No.”

He pulled back and made her look at him. “You don’t sound convinced.”

“Because I’m not,” she admitted.

He smiled and kissed her forehead gently. “You’re a Goddess. He’s a peon.”

“I know. It just sucks. I mean I felt like a normal girl. I got all giddy and excited. I got butterflies in my tummy! Butterflies, Spike. I don’t know that I’ve ever had butterflies!”

“You’ll get butterflies again,” he promised. He studied her thoughtfully. “You sure it wasn’t the butterflies you liked and not so much him?”

“He read to me. I liked that.”

“Christ, I can read to you!”

She started to laugh as he pulled her into the living room and made her sit on the couch. He searched through his bookcase until he found Byron, whom he knew she loved.

“What shall I read? She walks in Beauty?”

She shook her head. “No, read Don Juan. You have sarcasm down to an art form. It’s my favorite and I always thought you would read it very well.”

He looked at her. “You thought about me reading to you?”

“Well, I mean you have the whole English accent thing. You were alive during the Romantics. I think Romantics, hell, I think British lit and I think you. You’re so smart and you always help me with my literature. You make me love it even more.”

He smiled proudly. “Thank you, pet.”

“You’re way smarter than Parker anyway. And your voice is soothing compared to his.” She sighed and rested her head on his shoulder. Was he floating? He sure felt like he was.

END FLASHBACK


Buffy felt something move under her and she moaned, willing it to stop. She tried moving away from it, but instead it pulled her closer and purred. Her eyes popped open. Spike. Her eyes drifted shut as she remembered the night before. Kicking him, patrolling, training, dancing—briefly, jealousy, crying, talking, watching tv, falling asleep. No wonder she didn’t quite feel like getting up yet. And Spike’s purring…it was lulling her into a trance. It was a good thing he didn’t need to breathe or she’d be crushing him. And it was amazing to her that she felt this relaxed sleeping on top of him. He didn’t feel cold at all, he felt warm. She supposed from her body heat. She nestled closer against him.

The night before had been therapeutic. She wasn’t afraid of him anymore. It had disturbed her on so many levels to fear him. She’d never had before—mostly because he’d never given her a reason to—and it hurt her to the core to fear him and mistrust him. Last night, however, she’d asserted her power. She’d shown the jealous vampire that she was not going to put up with his crap. She had thought after he bit her that she wanted him to feel horrible. Horrible enough to stake himself. She’d wanted him to grovel and beg and heartfully mean every word of his apology. Now she found she almost understood that while he was sorry about how it happened, he wasn’t sorry that it had. She wasn’t yet ready to take the plunge and fully accept what he considered a gift, however. That’s what confused her to the core. Did she love him? Was she ready to acknowledge him as the only man in her life? Well, man in her life that was in human terms her husband. Was she ready for that with Spike? God, she was only twenty-six! She was still a virgin, hadn’t dated all that much—and man, she was never telling Spike about the couple guys she did date in England. She really was never going to be normal, was she? The thought saddened her and tears began to leak from her eyes. She brushed them away hurriedly before they reached Spike’s shirt.

“What’s wrong, luv?”

Her head shot up. “How long have you been awake?”

He smirked, “woke up before you.”

She glared at him and shook her head.

He reached out and brushed her tears away, “why are you crying?” His tone was so tender and caring it almost broke her heart.

“I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I really hate it.”

“So then why don’t you tell me about it?”

“I’d really rather not,” she started to move off him, but he grabbed her and pulled her down to him so that her head was lying next to his and she found herself looking into his cerulean eyes. He twisted his body so that they were laying side by side and their limbs were entangled.

“It infuriates me when you keep everything inside and don’t talk to me,” he told her bluntly. “That’s when you hide from me and take off. No more of that.”

“Guess we’re even then. It infuriates me when you make me talk,” she attempted lightly.

Spike looked at her sternly.

“I was just thinking—“

“About the vampire gang?”

“Can I finish? Or shall we just let your imagination run wild?”

He grinned, “go ahead, luv.”

“I was just thinking about how not normal my life is and never will be. I was thinking about how I’ve barely dated—“she started to squirm and looked down at his tshirt covered chest. “And how you’re like my husband in human terms and how I’ve never even had sex.” She squirmed some more, oblivious to the effect it was having on certain parts of Spike’s anatomy. “Not that I haven’t had offers, because I have. There was Xander in high school, and then Parker in college. When I was in England—and I wasn’t going to tell you about that because I know how jealous you get—“ He cut her off with a kiss. It was gentle, loving and yet passionate. She heard herself moan and move closer to him. His arms settled on her waist and pulled her closer to him as his tongue swept across her lips and she instinctively opened her mouth, granting him passage. He swirled his tongue inside, it was as if he was trying to learn everything he could about the inside of her mouth. She wrapped her arm around him and started to play with the hair at the nape of his neck. He groaned and ground himself against her. She registered he had an erection, and instead of being afraid of it, she took pleasure in the fact that she gave it to him.

He broke the kiss and laid his forehead against hers, staring into her lust addled eyes. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?” He whispered.

She didn’t answer and instead met his lips with her own again. His touch was feather light as his fingers moved under her shirt and rested on her hip, smoothing circles on her heated flesh. He moved so that he was half on top of her and she could freely wrap both arms around him. He groaned against her as she thrust her hips toward him and she knew her center had to be hot against him, she felt it. Becoming daring, she found the hem of his shirt and gently pushed her fingers underneath, caressing his sides. He moaned and his own fingers pushed further up her sides until they cupped her breasts. Her nipples were hard and he caressed them gently sending shivers of delight through her. She bucked against him again and he trailed kisses down to her ear and nibbled softly on the lobe before trailing back to her mouth.

His claim was driving her crazy and she wanted him to bite. Wanted him to show her how wonderful it could be. She was suddenly possessed then with fear. Not of him, but of what they were doing and what it all meant. Her earlier musings came back to her and she froze.

He lifted his head and looked at her. His eyes were half mass with lust. “What’s wrong?”

“I—I can’t go any further. I’m not ready yet to do this. I’m sorry, Spike, I—“
“Sshhh…don’t be sorry. I want you to want it as much as I do. I won’t enjoy it until you’re sure.”

She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. “I don’t know when I’ll ever be ready,” she told him truthfully. Her voice trembled, “I don’t know how I feel about you quite yet. I love you Spike, but I don’t think I’m in love with you.”

He moved off her and she quickly adjusted her shirt. She’d hurt him with that confession, she could tell. He sat up on the couch, his back to her and she felt his loss acutely. She wanted him to hold her and thought perhaps that was a childish, girlish wish. Fresh tears resurfaced.

“I know that you’re confused,” he said quietly. “I just hoped…I’m always hoping.” He turned then and she tried desperately to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Pet—“ He immediately grabbed her and wrapped his arms around. “It kills me when you cry.”

“Goddammit Spike! I hate to cry and I’ve done nothing but sob like a baby for the past few days!”

“I’m sorry, pet. Tell me what I can do—did I hurt you?”

“I hurt you and I just wanted you to hold me after that heavy make-out session,” she sobbed into his chest. “I’m still a girl underneath it all.”

He stroked her hair, “I’m sorry, pet,” he murmured. He kissed her gently on top of her head.

“I need a shower,” she informed him after a while. “I should probably go to Giles.”

“Don’t go. Stay here with me. We’ll go to his place later and do what we need to do.”

“Spike, I—“

“Please? I want to be held too.”

She started to laugh then and he joined her.

“Knew I could get a laugh out of you,” he told her. He put his hand under chin and made her look at him. “Will you? Stay, I mean? Please?”

She nodded. “I’ll stay.”

He gave her a quick peck on the nose and wrapped his arms around her once again.

She yawned. “I’m tired again.”

He rolled off the couch and she looked up at him. “Where are you—“

She was cut off when he leaned down and scooped her up in his arms. “Let’s go to bed. To sleep.”

“You don’t have to carry me.”

“I want to.”

She smiled. “Okay,” and she wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled against his chest.

Depositing her on the bed, he curled up behind her and draped an arm across her stomach, clutching her to him. He left a feather light kiss against her neck and sniffed her hair.

“Good night sweetheart,” he murmured.

“Good night, Spike.” Just before she drifted off she thought about how she could get used to Spike’s arms holding her as she drifted off every night.





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