Chapter Twelve
Buffy watched as Spike chatted up an older married couple a couple weeks later. She chewed her bottom lip as he grinned and laughed, patting the older man on his back before promising the best service and sauntered away. He was still grinning when he caught sight of Buffy staring at him. She jumped into action, pretending to be arranging the menu’s in a neater order.
“Buffy?” He asked, his voice deep and quiet. He sounded almost husky.
She looked up, a picture of innocence, “hmmm?”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, why?”
“You had pensive face.”
“I did?”
He nodded.
She shrugged and shook her head, still feigning that innocence.
“All right. Well, if you need me. . .”
She stared at him as he walked away and found herself blushing furiously when her gaze started to drop to his well-defined ass in the dress pants he wore. He was going back to his office for a while and Buffy didn’t want him to. She missed him. While it was true she saw him nearly every day, it was always at work. She wanted some Buffy, Spike and Nate time.
“Something on your mind, sweet cheeks?” Lorne interrupted her thoughts as he stood in her line of vision.
“Nothing at all.”
Lorne raised his eyebrows. Buffy scrunched her eyebrows together.
“Okay, fine. Lorne do you think I could bend your ear later?”
Lorne nodded, “of course, honey. You can tell Papa Lorne anything.”
She smiled, “I know. And I think you’re the best person to talk to. Nothing gets by you.”
“You’re right,” he winked, “especially when I see certain ladies checking out her boss’s ass.”
Buffy’s eyes widened and she gulped. “Don’t say anything?”
“About what?” He grinned. “Come get me when you go on break. I’m sure Spikey cakes won’t mind if we leave for a bit together.”
She nodded in agreement and turned to greet the customers that had just walked through the door.
Walking out of the restaurant together, Buffy looked over her shoulder to see Spike standing in the doorway, still frowning. She’d requested that Lorne join her on her break and when Spike had asked why, she told him she just needed some Lorne time. He’d pouted about not having any ‘Spike time’, but she had remained firm despite her desire to give in and stay with him. There was something nagging her though, something she needed to talk about. She couldn’t think of anyone more intuitive and best with the advice than Lorne. He had a way of putting her difficult thoughts in perspective and making her see things that her tired mind didn’t pick up on because it was so tired of overanalyzing.
So, they sat, with burgers, fries and Coke’s outside a nearby café. Lorne was waiting for her to start and Buffy was trying to find a way to start.
“Lorne—“ she started.
“You having feelings for Spike, honey?”
Her jaw dropped, and when her shock wore off, she plowed ahead, “I don’t know.”
“What do you know?”
“That I keep thinking about him and Angel and comparing them.”
“What have you come up with?”
“While Angel is good with kids, I don’t know if he’d be good with me. And Spike is already great with me—“
“But you don’t know if he’d be great with kids?”
“Right.”
“You know the answer to that already, Buffy. He adores Nate and you know it.”
“I feel like I’m interviewing them for a position.”
“That’s what dating is all about, Buffy.”
“I’m only dating Angel.”
“You’ve been dating Spike for years. You just didn’t know it.”
“Lorne, you’ve only known us for two years.”
“You pick up a lot in two years.”
“Such as?”
“What I just said. And, oh yes, he’s over the moon for you.”
“Get out.”
“Nope, sorry kitten. He is.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
“He doesn’t have to.”
She sat back and frowned, crossing her arms.
“Now what?”
“Say I believe you and he is ‘over the moon’ for me. That doesn’t mean he wants the responsibility of stepping into a more, uh, detailed role than just Uncle Spike.”
“You mean Father Spike?”
They both giggled at the image that produced. “Can you imagine that one?” Buffy said, wiping away some tears of laughter.
“Well, he’s got the all black down.”
Buffy laughed even more. “That’s just wrong.”
Lorne turned serious then. “Buffy, Spike’s feelings for Nate have nothing to do with you. Wait, let me rephrase that: Spike loves that Nate is a part of you. Spike considers himself your family, nothing you do will rid yourself of that boy. To him, you and Nate come as a package deal and he wouldn’t want it any other way. He loves that kid. Did you know he had a framed picture of him on his desk?”
Buffy got sappy, “no. He does?”
Lorne nodded. “The million dollar question here is how do YOU feel Buffy?”
Buffy sighed, “I don’t know, Lorne. That’s the thing, I just don’t know. I like Angel, I really do. I just don’t know if I feel that. . . thing for him. And. . .I don’t know if I even really feel that for Spike or if I’m just wanting to feel something so bad that I’m just putting that on Spike.
I’ve found myself comparing Spike and Angel constantly. And I try to stop. I mean, how fair is it to Angel that when I speak to him, I’m thinking about what Spike would say or how Spike would react to me. See, Spike has been such an important part of my life for so long and he’s put up with so much crap from me that I wonder if a lot of what I feel for him is gratitude. Which is kind of funny because that’s what I think first made me go for Angel in the first place.
You know when Faith died Spike wouldn’t let me not ask for help. He got so mad at me when I tried to take everything on, on my own. And boy did I give him a fight. Then there was the problem with Anya trying to come between us, and that spell where we didn’t talk. Thing is, ever since then, I’ve felt closer to him and let him in even more than I did before. I really do consider him part of my family. I can’t imagine Spike not being there. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s love. I mean, I love Spike, but am I IN love with Spike? I don’t think I am.
Then there’s Angel. He’s interested, he’s attentive, he’s smart and he’s so, well, hot. He treats me well, he’s good with Nate and I know he isn’t weirded out by the idea that I have a kid. I mean, he wouldn’t have pursued me if he was.”
“But something’ missing?”
“Yes.”
“Spike?”
“Passion.”
“You don’t have passion with Angel? Well, no kidding. Honey, have you heard yourself? You talk about Spike as if he were the sun, moon and stars. When you talk about Angel, you sound as if you SHOULD feel something for him because he’s attentive, smart, hot and good with kids. Not to mention that you compare Spike and Angel all the time. Let me tell you something Buffy, it’s not fair to them. Spike is waiting for a bone here, and Angel, well, he deserves to be with the person who does feel passion for him.”
“How do I know that I feel passion for Spike? What if all I’m feeling is gratitude?”
“Are you kidding me with this?”
Buffy groaned and leaned forward, banging her head on the wire table in front of her. “No, unfortunately I’m not.”
“Buffy, I can only skirt my way around it so much. Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say to you?”
She looked up at him and stared at him for a long time. “Yes. You’re saying that I have that passion with Spike.”
“Finally! Give the girl a prize!”
“That’s all well and good, Lorne, but just because you say it doesn’t mean it’s getting through in here,” she pointed to her heart, “or here,” she pointed to her head.
Now Lorne stared at her. “You’re scared,” he pointed at her and sat back, pleased with himself.
“Give the boy a prize!”
“So what are you going to do, Buffy?”
“I don’t know. Just because you say Spike has feelings for me, doesn’t mean you’re right.”
Lorne rolled his eyes, “you are STILL second guessing my powers of intuition after all we’ve shared here?”
“Doesn’t mean anything until I hear it from the horse’s mouth.”
“Except that it’ll send you running for the door.”
“You’re absolutely right.”
“You’re a complicated woman, you know that?”
“I’ve been told.”
“Let me guess. By Spike?”
“Shut up. Eat your burger.”
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