Chapter Three
Spike awoke with a start and immediately reached for Buffy. He reached out for dead air. He bolted up in the bed and then he heard her. He looked toward the monitor and heard her talking to Nate.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m going to take care of you. I love you, you know. More than anything in this world. I’ll never, ever let anything happen to you. You’re the most precious boy…”
Spike swung his legs over the side of the bed and glanced at the clock. They must have slept for at least two hours. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Spike padded down to Nate’s room and stood in the doorway watching Buffy rock Nate in her lap.
She looked up to see him. “He just woke up.”
Spike entered the room and ran a soothing hand on the back of Nate’s soft, curly light brown hair. He watched as Buffy buried her nose into the boy’s neck and close her eyes. He saw the tears a second later.
“Buffy—“
“Just let me hold him,” she said, trying to keep her voice steady.
Spike nodded and knelt down next to her on one knee. “Do you remember anything I said earlier?”
“Refresh me.”
“I’m going to help, Buffy. I’m going to help take care of you and Nate.”
She lifted her head and shook her head. “No, you don’t have to—“
“I know I don’t have to, but I’m going to.”
She shook her head again. “I don’t need you to.”
“Dammit Buffy, yes you do. You need someone…”
“Why? Because I’m all alone now?” She let out a bitter laugh. “Tell you what kind of help I need. I need someone to watch Nate while I’m working. I’m going to have quit school—“
“Why? No, Buffy, don’t quit school.”
“How the hell am I going to work AND go to school AND do homework? Not possible. Maybe you’ve never been around toddlers before, but I have and they are a lot of work. I just need someone to watch him so I can work.”
“I’m not going to let you quit school Buffy,” Spike told her sternly.
She shot him a glare and stood up with Nate in her arms, his legs wrapped around her middle. “You’re not going to tell me what to do, Spike.”
Spike sighed and ran a hand through his mussed hair. This was not the time to talk to Buffy about all this. They had to get through the moment right now. They had to work through the shock and the first part of grief.
He watched her helplessly as she changed Nate’s diaper and then followed as she carried him to the kitchen and plopped him carefully in his high chair. She moved silently about the kitchen, opening cupboards and the fridge. He could see her getting more and more tense.
“Dammit!” She yelled, her back to Spike and Nate. “She was supposed to be getting food. There’s no food to feed him, she was,” she fell apart then, sobbing. “She was supposed to be getting food.”
Spike rushed to her as she fell to her knees. He knelt down on the floor with her and pulled her into his arms tightly. She held on to him, balling his shirt in her fists as she sobbed.
“Buffy…Buffy…luv….I’m going to help. Will you please let me help? Please, let me help you, Buffy…” He repeated the mantra over and over while Nate watched in fascination.
Finally, Buffy’s sobs subsided and she nodded her consent. “Can you just watch him for a while so I can get some food?”
“I’ll get it—“
“No!” Buffy burst out. “If you go…you might not come back.”
Spike nodded, understanding. She moved away from him, and started to stand. Spike helped her up and grabbed paper towels that were nearby and handed them to her. She wiped her eyes, walked over to Nate and promised him she’d be back.
Spike took Nate out of his highchair and walked with him outside to see Buffy off. She paused for a moment on the steps. Spike knew all the things going on in her head. Would she return as Faith had failed to? And would Faith suddenly appear as if all this was a dream? The moment passed and Buffy trudged ahead, taking a deep breath. Nate was babbling to Spike who smiled gently at the boy. Nate laughed and hid his face for a moment before looking back at him and laughing again. Spike laughed at the boys antics and looked back to see Buffy pulling out of the driveway. She didn’t wave, just smiled weakly. If she waved, it would be like she was saying good-bye to them forever.
The shrill sound of Spike’s cell phone made both Spike and Buffy jump as they ate in silence. Buffy had done enough shopping to last her and Nate for a week, and Spike had taken over making him and Buffy dinner. He had set to work making her spaghetti while she fed Nate jarred green beans and some of the hamburger Spike had cooked up. Nate, slurping on his sippy cup had been the only noise when the phone rang.
“’Ello?”
“Spike Giles, something happens like that and you don’t call me?” Anya. Oh shit.
“Hey babe, sorry.” Spike looked apologetically at Buffy who just nodded and went back to her dinner. Spike stood up, patting Nate’s head affectionately and padded into the living room.
“How is she?” Anya asked.
“She’s…it’s not good, Ahn.”
“How’s Nate?”
“He’s all right. Doesn’t really know what’s going on.”
“I’m coming over—“
“No, Ahn. Don’t do that.”
“Why not?” She sounded highly insulted. Spike rolled his eyes.
“She’s not up to seeing anyone right now.”
“She’s seeing you, isn’t she?”
“I’m different. I’m practically family.”
“I’m dating you. That means I’m practically family too.”
“No, Ahn. I mean it,” Spike said firmly. He caught the sound of Buffy crying and peered into the kitchen. “Oh shit. I gotta go. I’ll call you later and STAY HOME.” He clicked his phone shut and strode into the kitchen. Buffy was hunched over, her hair hanging like a curtain around her as she shook with tears. He looked to Nate who was pointing at the door and saying “Mama.”
“Spike, you don’t have to stay.”
“Shut up, Buffy. I’m staying.”
“Have you always been this bossy?”
“Depends. Have you always been this stubborn?”
She stuck her tongue out at him and then quickly looked over at Nate who was playing with his trucks. “I have to be more careful now,” she explained at Spike’s raised eyebrows. “Have to set an example.”
Spike chuckled and sat down on the floor with the little boy. Nate looked up at him, smiled and then went back to playing.
Buffy sat down next to him and pushed a car to Nate who took it greedily. They sat in silence for a long time, just watching him play.
“I think I’m more mad at her for dying than anything else she’s ever done,” Buffy broke the silence. “I remember how mad at her I was when she got pregnant with Nate and didn’t even know who the dad was. And then I remember instantly forgiving her when I saw Nate for the first time and held him.”
“He is quite the charmer isn’t he? He takes after me.”
Buffy let out a short chuckle, and then sobered. “There’s so much to do.”
“I know, pet, but I’ll be right here to help you.”
“Was Anya mad?”
“Mad about what?”
“That you were here.”
Spike shook his head, “if she can’t understand why I’m here, then I have no business being with her, do I?”
Buffy shrugged, “I guess.”
“What do you mean, you guess?”
“Don’t ask me about what I think about anything right now Spike. I couldn’t even tell you if it were night or day, if I was here right now in this room or if I was living some kind of horrible nightmare. Nothing feels real.”
Spike wrapped an around Buffy’s shoulder and drew her closer. “Well, I can tell you that’s it’s night, you are here right now in this room and I bloody wish it were all a nightmare. I can tell you that you are my best friend Buffy Anne Summers and if anyone objects to it, then they have no business being in my life.”
She looked at him and smiled weakly. “Thanks. Can you just do me one favor though?”
“Sure.”
“Tell me it is a nightmare. Tell me that I’m going to wake up tomorrow and Faith will be here and she’ll be yelling at me for something. Tell me so that I can sleep tonight knowing I have something to look forward to tomorrow.” The tears were rolling freely down Buffy’s cheeks now and Spike felt his own well up. If not because Buffy was crying, then because he couldn’t make her wish come true. He could tell her what she wanted to hear, for now, and he did.
Buffy and Spike gave Nate a bath together and Buffy put him down, telling him a fairy tale with fairies that granted your wishes, lands where nothing ever went wrong, and where the hero and heroine always triumphed. Buffy told Spike that just because she didn’t believe in those things anymore, there was no reason to ruin it for Nate.
“I think you’ll believe in fairy tales again, Buffy Summers,” he promised her as he followed her to the bedroom.
“I don’t think I will William Giles, but thanks anyway.”
Spike laid himself out on the bed, feeling his body sink into the bed. He was wiped.
“What are you doing?” Buffy asked, confusion written all over her face as she stared down at Spike.
He moved his arm off his eyes. “Goin’ to bed. What are you doin’”
“Why are you in the bed?”
“Isn’t this where you plan to sleep?”
Buffy’s eyebrows flew off her head. “You’re not staying in here with me. It was one thing this afternoon when I was comatose. Quite another when I’m…not comatose enough not to know what’s going on. Anya would have my head, Spike. And then yours.”
“Buffy, I don’t want to leave you alone. What if you wake up in the middle of the night crying?”
“Then you can come and see me. I realize I’m vulnerable right now Spike and you of all people know how much I hate that. Not in my nature to lean on others. I appreciate everything you have done for me today because without you here today, I never would have made it. But if I allow myself to lean on you completely, I’ll never stand on my own two feet and do it myself and I have to do it myself.”
Spike angrily climbed out of bed and spun to her. “Bloody Hell Buffy. You talk as if you’re not allowed to fall apart, ever, and if you do then you have to fix that mistake right away before it happens again. You are capable of standing on your own two feet, I’ve seen you do it many, many times when the chips were down. Lean on me tonight if you need to. Use me if you want to. I don’t care Buffy. You just lost Faith today, you are allowed to be a mess, you are allowed to be vulnerable and you are allowed for me to hold you if you need it.”
“Why are you so angry with me?”
“Because you don’t let anyone help you! You have this misguided notion that you can do it all. You can’t Buffy; it’s impossible. I need you, does that make me weak? I needed you when my father remarried and moved back to England. I needed you when Drusilla was sent to the fifth floor of the hospital. Hell, I needed you on my first day at Sunnyhell High. You are always there for everyone else in the world Buffy. You never allow anyone to ever be there for you. Well, you’ve got me Summers whether you want me or not.”
“I’m not asking you to sleep somewhere else just for me, you moron. I’m asking you to do it for Anya as well.”
Spike pursed his lips together and clenched his jaw as they stared each other down. “Fine. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Thank you.” She moved to the linen closet and handed him a couple blankets and a pillow. Spike started for the door. “Spike,” she called out, all anger having left her voice.
He stopped and turned, facing the most stubborn woman he’d ever met. “Yeah?”
“Tell me again.”
Spike’s face softened and he nodded, “it’s just a nightmare Buffy. When you wake up tomorrow, Faith will be here.”
She gave him a small, hopeful smile. “And we’ll all live happily ever after?”
Spike nodded sadly, “and we’ll all live happily ever after.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Night Buffy.”
“Night Spike.”
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