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Chapter Five
“Buffy, you look like shit. Are you okay?” Cordelia asked as Buffy poured her drinks. Spike had told her to be bartender today and to use the spare time to sit, relax and study. She didn’t have it in her to tell him that she had dropped out the other day. She knew the lecture she would get and really, she was just too tired to hear it. Between the funeral, lawyers, moving and adjusting to being the guardian of a one-year-old, everything had passed by so quickly and in such a blur, that Buffy felt she hadn’t even had a chance to catch her breath. It was weird considering how everything had moved so slow the first few days after Faith’s death. Now she couldn’t seem to get a grip on anything that was happening around her, and it felt as if everything was happening AROUND her. She felt outside herself, as if she were watching herself walk and talk, but couldn’t FEEL anything.
“Don’t hold back Cordy, tell me how you really feel,” Buffy said dryly and promptly yawned.
Cordy just shrugged, took her drinks and walked away. Buffy shook her head and sat down on the stool, rubbing her eyes.
“Don’t give up, B,” her sister told her as she began to knead her shoulders.
Buffy jumped a mile and spun around. Faith? No, Spike. He was looking at her in surprise, his hands up in the air in surrender. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”
Buffy slid off the stool. “You didn’t…thought I heard Faith.”
“Oh? What’d she say?”
Buffy shook her head, “it’s dumb. Just forget it. What’s up, boss?”
Spike cocked his head to the side, doing that thing he did when he was worried about her. Studying her. In her exhausted state, it irritated her. “Stop it,” she told him.
“Stop what?”
“Coddling me, watching me like that. I’m not made of porcelain, I won’t break.”
Spike’s gaze hardened. “I never said you would. Cordy is right though, you do look like shit. Have you been sleeping?”
“Gee, thanks. I feel SO much better now. Why don’t you just tell me I’m stupid and kick me while you’re at it? I feel very bad for Anya all of a sudden. Do you tell her that too?”
“I’m not going to lie to you or sugar coat the truth, Buffy. I wo—“
“Worry about me? I’m aware, thank you. You don’t even have to tell me you worry about me, I can see it every time I look at you. Anya looks at me as if I’m going to fall apart at any minute and even Cordy in her own unique lets me know she’s concerned.”
Spike sighed, “we ca—“
“’Care about you, Buffy. We want to help you’. You want to help me? You can bring Faith back to me, and while you’re at it, you can bring my mother back too. That way I’ll have a family again and Nate will have more than just me.”
“He doesn’t just have you, Buffy. And you don’t just have him. You have me too, you know. You’re not alone and you never will be.”
“Really? That’s funny. Because I feel alone.” Wiping away at the tears that formed AGAIN, she excused herself to the bathroom. Hadn’t she cried enough? When was it ever going to stop? She felt like Niagra Falls with all the crying she’d done. Was it possible to ever dry out your tear ducts, because if it were, then she was sure she’d have run clear out soon.
Splashing some cold water on her face, she stared at herself in the mirror. She didn’t even recognize the person staring back at her. How was it possible that in three short weeks, she had lost total and complete sight of herself? She was angry and bitter, numb and heartbroken. How was it possible to be all those things at once? And why did she keep pushing away the one person who cared the most?
“You always hurt the ones you love the most,” she murmured to herself. She sighed; she had to apologize to Spike. Making her way out of the bathroom, she didn’t catch sight of him and so made her way to his office.
Knocking softly on the door, she heard a grumpy “come in.”
She pushed the door open and said, without hesitation, “I’m sorry, Spike.”
He looked at her, startled. “Buffy?”
She looked at him in confusion, “yeah?”
“Buffy Summers?”
“Stop it, you’re freaking me out.”
“I’m sorry, but the Buffy Summers I know never apologizes.”
She glared at him and stuck out her tongue. “Fine, I take it back.”
“No, please don’t. I think I’m going to mark this on my calendar to remember this day—“ And he moved to grab a pen and started toward the calendar on the wall.
“William Giles!” She admonished him and dove for the pen. He held it over his head, smiling down at her.
“Say it again. Tell me how sorry you are. Make me believe it.”
“Give me the pen!”
“Say it!”
Smiling, she tickled him on the side and he folded like a deck of cards, laughing. She tickled more until he loosened his grip.
“Am I interrupting something?”
Both heads shot to see Anya standing in the doorway, eyebrow raised.
“Oh, hey Ahn. I’m just trying to stop Spike from being such a dork,” Buffy moved away from Spike, still giggling a bit. It felt good to giggle. It felt almost like a foreign concept. She was surprised to learn her body still remembered how to do it.
Spike was smiling, pointing down at her, “you’re smiling.”
Buffy nodded, feeling very much on display all of a sudden. “I am, aren’t I? Look at that, my face didn’t crack.” She turned away from Spike and started for the door. “Back to work for me. See you later, Ahn.”
Making her way back to the bar, with a grin still on her face, Cordy pointed at her. “You look better Buffy.”
“Thanks, Cordy.”
Anya wrapped her arms around Spike and he grinned.
“How is she?”
“I think today was the first time she smiled without the aid of Nate.”
Anya nodded. “I miss you.”
“What do you mean, you miss me? You just saw me this morning.”
“You’ve been gone all the time lately.”
Spike pushed Anya back a bit. “You know I can’t just abandon her.”
“I didn’t say that, Spike.”
“She needs someone to be there right now. You don’t know Buffy like I do. Despite the brave front she puts on, she’s just a little girl inside, desperate for some love and attention.” Spike walked away from his girlfriend, shuffled some papers on his desk as he spoke.
Anya narrowed her eyes, “are you the one to give that to her?”
“Well, yeah,” he paused. “Wait. Not the way you’re thinking. You know how I feel about you, Ahn. But, Buffy’s been my best friend since…since forever it seems like. She’s been there for me numerous times and now she needs me to be there for her.”
“So the fact that you’ve been over there every night and don’t spend any time with me anymore is payback for all the times she was there for you?”
“No. Yes. No. Ahn…it’s more than just ‘payback’. Buffy’s my best friend.”
“I know, I know, I know. I hear about it all the time, Spike. ‘Buffy’s my best friend. Buffy is the greatest. Buffy’s so smart and strong. Buffy will probably win the Nobel Peace Prize, stop world hunger and invent the cure for AIDS and cancer. All while leaping tall buildings in a single bound.’”
Spike pointed at her. “You’re being catty.”
“And you’re being pathetic. Do you really think she needs you over all the time? Do you really thinks she needs you this much Spike or is it you that needs her?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about the fact that you can’t walk two feet without Buffy by your side. I think you like the fact that she’s in turmoil right now because in that way, you can live out your fantasy of being her knight in shining armor because since the day you arrived at Sunnydale High, she’s been yours.”
“Her sister just fucking died, Anya. Do you have any idea what it feels like to lose your family? I lost my mother when I was twelve. I got to see my father practically lose his mind. I practically lost mine. It hurts like hell. Faith and Nate were all Buffy had left. Now, she just has Nate. How the fucking hell do you think that makes her feel? You have family all over the place, you don’t know what it’s like to be alone.”
“And I know you do. Yet another thing to have in common with her.”
“You’re the one that’s been wanting to help her out for the past three weeks!”
“Help, Spike, not devote my life to!”
“I’m not devoting my life to her!”
“Yes you are! You always have. Everything revolves around Buffy!”
The two glared at each other. Anya felt the beginnings of a heartbreak happening. She had always known the gorgeous man in front of her would break her heart, she had just desperately hoped to change that.
“You’re not alone, Spike, and you don’t just have Buffy. You have me too. You’ve always had me. Call me when you’re done rescuing Buffy.” Anya grabbed her purse and slammed the door shut behind her. She wanted him to come after her. Wanted him to tell her that he was sorry and that she was right.
“Ahn? Is everything okay?” Buffy was standing in front of her, but Anya could barely see her, the tears blinding her.
She shook her head. She wanted to yell at the petite blond woman in front of her that had so much power over Spike. She wanted to tell her that she was a bitch, a tramp and a home-wrecker. But no matter how angry she was, it wasn’t at Buffy. The girl had no clue, she was just Buffy, doing her Buffy thing. Anya licked her lips, a thought forming. She could actually use Buffy’s kindness and willing to help to her advantage.
“Did you and Spike have a fight?”
Anya nodded.
“About what?”
“How much did you hear?”
Buffy reddened. “I didn’t hear…I heard yelling, but I didn’t hear anything. I wouldn’t—“
“Why not? I would.”
“It’s not my business.”
“It’s not a big deal, Buffy. Just a lover’s quarrel. I’m sure he’ll be back and groveling very soon.” She looked towards his closed door. “Yes, soon indeed.”
“Can I do anything?”
“You could tell him that he can see more than once or twice a week. You could tell him that I need him too and that you don’t need him as much as he thinks you do.”
Buffy bit her bottom lip and nodded slowly. “I understand,” she said softly.
“Take care, Buffy,” Anya gave her an awkward hug and walked out, hoping this wouldn’t bite her in the ass later. No, she hoped it bought her some time to convince Spike that she could be just as wonderful as his precious Buffy was. Even more so. Besides, wasn’t she doing Buffy a tremendous favor by allowing the girl to see that she could stand on her own two feet without Spike?
“Spike?” Buffy asked cautiously as she pushed his door open.
Spike sat at his desk, staring at the pile of papers in front of him in a daze. He looked up at her and gave her a weak smile.
“What just happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I heard some yelling and then saw a sad Anya walk out the door. What did you do?”
Spike’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Me? Why is it my fault?”
“It’s usually the guy’s fault,” Buffy shrugged. She sat down on the chair in front of the desk. “What happened?”
Spike shook his head, running a hand through his gelled hair, messing it up and causing his curls to spring forth. “Nothing. She’s just being selfish.”
“How?”
“She wants me by her side all the time…”
Buffy sighed heavily, “Spike, you haven’t been spending a whole lot of time with her lately. She is your girlfriend and she needs you—“
“You need me more,” Spike told her, pinning her with his gaze.
“Spike, I’m fine. I’m grieving. It’s what people do when they lose someone they love. But, I’m getting through it slowly, but surely.”
“What about Nate? You need someone to help out with him.”
“Some days I do, yes.”
“Plus, you’ve got to get back to your classes soon and you’re going to need someone to watch him more---“
“And you have a job that you need to be at and…I dropped out,” she looked down at her hands, waiting for the explosion.
“You what? Why did you do that?” He yelled.
“Because I had to! Spike, believe it or not, I can make decisions without you. I did what was realistic for me at the time. Now is not the time for me to be at school. Now is the time for me to get my head on straight and take care of Nate. I need to work more to afford living at that house and I need to find daycare for Nate because I can’t keep leaving him with the next door neighbor, no matter how much I trust her. You have a business to run here, so you can’t do it all the time and you have a life, Spike. You have Anya who loves you very much and who needs you too. You can’t take away my pain no matter how hard you try. You’ve helped a lot, you’ve helped me out so much, but you don’t need to take it all on. I don’t want you to. More importantly, I don’t NEED you to.”
Spike’s jaw was clenching, never a good sign.
“You don’t have to be there with me every night. I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me, Spike. You’ve been my rock, but I do not want to be the reason why you lose Anya.”
“You aren’t—“
“Yes, I am. Time felt like it stopped for me since Faithy…it’s not the greatest feeling in the world. Don’t let time stop for you too, Spike. Life goes on. Yours, mine, Nate’s, Anya’s. Do you really want Anya’s life to go on without you?”
Spike didn’t answer and Buffy took that to mean that he didn’t want that.
“I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll call you in the event that I need your help. Until then, go see Anya, spend some time with her, show her you love her.”
“Buffy—“
“Nope, not a discussion. Do it,” she stood and handed him the phone. “Call her cell. She’s probably on her way home. Make a date for tonight. Nate and I will be fine.”
Spike took the receiver and watched her leave. She never saw him set the receiver back down.
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