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Chapter 21 – Links


Could you love and hate someone at the same time? Spike knew you could. As far as he was concerned the two were so deeply entwined you could never separate them. No one was all good or all bad, so how could your emotions for them be one dimensional. Yesterday, Xander had been his best friend and brother in every sense of the words. The emotional bond could never be broken by any outside force, and Spike would have given his life to protect Xander. Today, by Xander’s own hand, they were enemies.

Now, they were standing face to face, and all Spike wanted to do was inflict deep physical pain upon him. Xander had touched the one thing in Spike’s life that was still relatively unsullied by his dark soul, and in the process he’d smudged Buffy’s light. His anger ran even deeper at Xander, because he’d caused a cloud of doubt between Spike and his wife. Buffy had been cast into suspicion by her innocent actions with someone Spike knew he couldn’t trust. Why hadn’t he ever warned Buffy to be suspicious of Xander’s motives? Because he himself had hoped that this time things would be different. That this time Xander would be the friend he wanted him to be.

It hadn’t happened though. And he hadn’t been.

What did he do now? For over a decade, Xander was the only one to stand beside Spike. How could he just end the bonds between them? And with the secrets between them it wouldn’t be safe to deliberately cut Xander out of their lives. Something about the old adage of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. Xander was both to him. Just like he both loved and hated the man in front of him. Their lives, and hearts were more entwined than his had ever been with Drusilla, or yet to be with Buffy. He couldn’t let him go. Not big enough of a line had been crossed yet. Spike hoped it never would.

Sighing, he handed Xander a beer before leaning on the kitchen island.

“What’s going on with your contract?” Spike asked, trying to forget all the earlier problems.

“They’re still considering it,” Xander replied, twisting the top off the bottle. He pitched it across the room toward the garbage can. It ricocheted off, hitting the refrigerator before falling to the floor, where it skittered to a stop at the edge of the kitchen. He shrugged, smiled and turned back to Spike. “Sorry about that.”

“You’re saying that a lot lately.” Spike hadn’t meant to sound so bitter, but the truth was that he was bitter, and very tired of life at the moment. “Maybe you should try not doing things that you’ll have to apologize for.”

“You’re probably right,” Xander snapped. “But it seems no matter what I do anymore, I’m pissing someone off.”

“Going for the pity party now?” Spike snapped back, but then he couldn’t stop the twitch at the corners of his lips. It turned into a full blown chuckle. “Sorry, mate, but you’re being overly dramatic.”

“Me, over dramatic?” Xander pointed at himself while laughing along. He then pointed at Spike. “It’s you who’s the drama queen. I’m going to kill myself if you don’t love me anymore.”

“Fucking asshole,” Spike groused. He drank half of his beer in one gulp. Xander’s words stung, because he’d meant what he’d said to Buffy. He didn’t particularly want to live after Drusilla died, and if Buffy was gone, he knew he wouldn’t want to try anymore. Life was too cold and lonely without someone to love. It was just him though. “She means more to me than you understand…or want to care.”

“Believe it or not I do,” Xander whispered, before losing himself in his beer also. He stood and walked into the family room. There he looked out the window, staring off into space.

“Oh, come on,” Spike said, following him. He plopped down onto the couch. “You? Seriously? In a deep romantic love? When? With who? Not with anyone since I’ve known you. Not trying to be mean…well, hell, maybe I am. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? You’re a user. You have loyalty to people that are good for you. A good instance is me. Yeah, I know you love me. How could you not? But if I hadn’t moved along the same path as you, then I do believe you would have left my ass at the curb a long time ago.”

“I still may,” Xander said, turning to look back at Spike. He lifted one eyebrow in imitation of his friend. “You are an asshole yourself. Talking to your best friend and buddy like that. “

“You always hurt the one you love,” Spike said. He lifted his bottle in salute.

“Isn’t that the fucking truth?”

They were both silent for a moment. Each seemingly lost in their own thoughts. All Spike could think of was all the ways he’d failed Drusilla. He hadn’t loved her enough. He’d loved her too much. He’d been too possessive. Or had he given her too much freedom? He could go on and on dissecting their relationship and it still would have ended the same. Drusilla wouldn’t be in his life anymore. He pushed back the memory of his beloved princess threatening to divorce him. It didn’t matter. She was dead before the words could carry any weight.

“Has Cordelia forgiven you yet?

“Of course she has,” Xander said. He took a seat next to Spike. “I’m her man, you know? Plus, she has to at this point. Too much invested in this relationship to give up on it yet.”

“Yeah, I know.” Spike said, slapping his friend on the thigh. “Hey, is it Cordy? The one you’ve fallen head over heels in love with? That would be rich. Xander and Cordy being in love.”

“Do you ever quit being a bastard?” Xander said. This time there wasn’t any smile to soften his insult. “You know how much I love Cordelia. She’s my world.”

“Yeah, I know,” Spike replied. “Sorry about that. I know you and Cordy are sealed at the hips and totally into one another.”

“Thank you.”

It was a lie. Xander and Cordelia had sold their souls to one another. They did love each other, but their relationship wasn’t based on that. If there was someone else who could helped them more, then their relationship would have been over faster than they said I do. It was just the way it was. And they loved each other because they were so similar, but in the end they loved themselves more.

Spike sighed. “Do you ever wish we’d taken another path?”

“Not at all,” Xander said. “I have everything I want, or it’s on the near horizon. So, that would be a big nope on wishing things were different.”

Yet the look on his face told another tale, and it made Spike wonder what his friend was keeping from him. And how it would affect him when it came out.

~~~~~~~~

It was unfair. But Buffy was learning to live with unfair. Spike was always locked away in his study working on the final rewrites of his book, or away collaborating with David on the movie project. The one afternoon she’d made plans, he announced that Xander was coming over so they could workout together. She barely saw him anymore, and it hurt that he was taking time off from work to spend with Xander of all people. She was lonely, and it had been days since they’d made love, but yet he could find time to spend time with the man who’d tried to wreck their marriage.

“Quit Buffy,” Jenny said, interrupting her thoughts. “He loves you. Accept it and quit worrying about everything else.”

“How can I not?” Buffy sighed. She took a sip of her iced tea. She didn’t really want to sound like a whiney child, but she didn’t understand. Shouldn’t Spike put her before anyone else? “I’m sorry. I just miss him.”

“You need to start making your own life,” Jenny said, sitting back in her chair. She pushed her sunglasses higher on her nose. It had been her suggestion that they return to the scene of the crime; The Ivy. It would lessen the image of Xander bringing Buffy there if she was seen as a regular customer. “You can’t sit around waiting for him to entertain you.”

“Hence me being here with you,” Buffy retorted. “And it’s a little hard. I don’t know that many people in LA, and I don’t drive.” She shrugged. “So, what am I supposed to do?”

“Learn to drive. There are many reputable schools that could teach you instead of waiting for Spike to do it.”

Buffy didn’t say anything. She returned to eating her salad. She liked the whole thing of Will taking care of her. It was one of the reasons she’d fallen for him so hard. To pass lonely times she would often replay their first encounter on the beach. Or the first time she saw him at breakfast when he was watching her so intently. And how would William feel if she started to become independent? He seemed to like being her prince as much as she enjoyed it.

“Buffy?”

“Sorry, Jenny,” Buffy said. She sighed and set her fork back down. “Will likes me to stick close to him.”

“Like a doll that he can take out when he’s bored?”

“Of course not. Never…”

“Oh, come on. You’re not that naïve are you? You’re a beautiful young woman,” Jenny said with a laugh. She held up a hand. “I do believe that Spike is completely besotted with you, but he doesn’t see you as a fully functional woman. It makes him feel safe in loving you.”

“If that is so,” Buffy said, ready to defend her marriage. “Then why the hell would I even think about becoming independent. Doing and making decisions without his input? Wouldn’t it cause trouble?”

“Because it will make him respect you,” Jenny replied, reaching over to cover Buffy’s hand with her own. “And that will only make him love you more.”

“Is that the way it was with Drusilla?” It seemed like Jenny knew what she was talking about, and she wondered if she was trying to keep Buffy from repeating the mistakes of Will’s first marriage. “Or was she totally dependent?”

“Drusilla was the perfect little girl,” Jenny said. “She was feminine, and sweet to the men around her. But it was all an act, because she manipulated them with a cold heart. And every woman around was nothing but competition to be bested or taken out.”

“I thought the six of you were all best buddies.” Buffy waved her hands around before dropping them into her lap. “Family, and stick together through it all kind of stuff.”

“We did,” Jenny said, with a wry laugh. “And we do, but Dru didn’t take to not being in the spotlight. I didn’t give a shit about it, but she and Cordelia used to try and outshine each other.”

“Well, how did that work with Xander sleeping with Drusilla?”

“Cordelia didn’t care as long as Xander came home to her, and she was still the one who pulled his strings.”

“I just don’t understand that,” Buffy said, shaking her head. She couldn’t even think of sleeping with anyone but her husband. The thought of sharing him was enough to make her furious, and there was nothing on earth that could persuade her to knowingly let him have an affair with a friend, and do nothing about it. “I love Will so much. I couldn’t bear for anyone else to come between us.”

Jenny leaned forward, pushing back the remainders of her lunch, so that she could rest her forearms on the table. She removed her sunglasses, blinked a couple of times, and then turned to Buffy. “I’m not trying to be a doomsayer about your marriage.”

“But you’re going to anyway.” Buffy laughed, and turned her head away.

“Sweetie, there are a lot of things that can cause trouble between you. You’re going to need to take the rose colored glasses off and face the reality of who you’re married to. Spike isn’t an angel. I think you already know that, but you don’t know the extent of what he’s done. If you want to hold onto him, toughen up, and fight back.”

Buffy leaned forward, clasping her hands in her lap. “Don’t worry, Jenny, I plan on fighting hell itself to hold onto Spike.”

Jenny smiled. “Then maybe you’ll keep him after all.”

And that was exactly what she intended to do.


to be continued…





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