Chapter 26 – Sand in a Bottle
It was after midnight with no sign of Cordelia and Xander going home. Xander had just opened a new bottle of wine and was cheerfully filling glasses. Except for Buffy who was trying to remain sober and Tara who was drinking herbal tea. Will was drinking, but nowhere near the amount that his friends were consuming. From the confused glances he occasionally cast her way, Buffy knew that he was waiting for the chance to confront her.
There were two choices open to her when he finally got his opportunity. She could make up a lie to cover the sin she’d already committed by omitting the truth from her husband, or she could tell him what she’d been up to since the beginning of their marriage. Neither was what she wanted to do, but she knew William enough to realize that he wouldn’t let go of it. Maybe several days would go by before he’d mention it or he could merely be waiting for their guests to leave. She’d created the situation so she could only deal with it with grace and let him know that her only motivation was love.
“If you’ll please excuse me,” Tara said, standing. “I’m going to go ahead to bed. It’s been a long day.”
“I guess it has.” Xander laughed, looking at his watch. “That is if you’re not used to a little living.”
Cordelia giggled along with her husband while giving Tara a scathing look. It had been obvious all evening that Buffy’s earlier suspicions were correct. The couple looked down upon Buffy’s friend. There were never any overt comments but they always geared the conversation to exclude Tara. It hadn’t been the most pleasant evening, with the rudeness of Spike’s friends, and his moodiness over her earlier slipup. She just wanted the whole night over with even if it included the inevitable confrontation with her husband.
It was all becoming too much and as she followed Tara upstairs, she pushed her hair back with a sigh. She wondered if it was always this hard to love someone.
“Are you okay, Buffy?” Tara asked as soon as they were alone in the bedroom. She looked concerned, approaching Buffy so she could cup her friend’s cheek. “I was so sure this relationship was the answer to all your dreams, but now I’m not so certain.”
“It is,” Buffy insisted, pulling away and sitting on the edge of the bed. She folded her hands on her lap. Tears filled her eyes. It had been a tiring night. All of a sudden, everything was closing in on her and she wanted it over. “I’m going to tell William everything. All of it. I screwed up tonight and he’s already suspicious of me.” She leaned forward, burying her face in her hands as the tears slipped down her cheeks. She felt Tara sit beside her before being pulled into her friend’s arms. “I love him. So much sometimes it scares me. He makes me feel like no one ever has before.”
“Oh, Buffy, I know you love him.” Tara stroked Buffy’s hair with a gentleness that made Buffy think of her mother. “This relationship is tearing you apart with doubts and a lifestyle you’re not comfortable in. You’ve been married for months and you’re still living in Drusilla’s shadow. I agree it’s time to come clean with Will. Tell him everything. If he loves you then he’ll forgive you and you can start over.”
“And if he doesn’t…”
But neither woman had an answer for that dilemma.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was the final straw as far as Spike was concerned. Buffy’s disappearance upstairs with that little frightened look on her face only confirmed his suspicions. She’d done something to betray him. His mind was racing with the possibilities of what she could have done. Yet he knew she hadn’t done anything that could rival what Drusilla had done to him. Dru enjoyed every moment of pain she gave him. Buffy loved him. That much he would stake his life on.
“So, Spikey old boy, you’re not going to keep that mouse around, are you?”
He looked up at his friend. At the arrogance that filled features once so boyish. Spike laughed at the changes they’d wrought on their own lives. The two outsiders that wanted the golden life. The price they’d paid for those dreams to come true…the loss of their very souls. He knew if he died that night there was only one place he’d go and that was hell. There was no redemption for some things. Carefully, he set his glass on the side table. The alcohol he’d consumed was buzzing through his system, but he wasn’t that far gone.
“Tara is good for Buffy.” Spike said clearly, as he leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “And what is good for Buffy stays around.”
“Oh, that’s rich.” Xander threw his head back with laughter that echoed around the monstrous room. “You aren’t good for that girl. Man, she’s up to something. We both know it. What are you going to do? Forgive her; take her shit while begging her to love you?”
It took only a second for Spike to fly across the room at his friend. The feel of his fist smashing into Xander’s chin was the most satisfying thing of the entire night.
“God damn it,” Cordelia screeched. “Don’t hit him. He’s got to start shooting the fucking movie…Spike, I said stop it.”
She pulled on his arm, but the first punch was all it took to relieve the anger. Xander wasn’t wrong. It was the way he was with Drusilla. How much would he take from Buffy? As he thought, he sat on Xander’s stomach, caressing where blood was dripping from his friend’s lips. A memory of a night long ago crossed his mind. Emotions filled his chest, making it hard to breath, and Spike leaned forward until he was forehead to forehead with Xander. His body slid down until he was half lying on Xander.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Spike whispered. Xander’s arms encircled him just like before when all they had was each other. “It’s all turning to dust.”
“It won’t.” Xander pulled Spike’s chin up until they could look into each other’s eyes. “We just have to keep it together.”
“I don’t want to…I need to tell her everything.”
Spike saw Xander look over his shoulder, and he turned his head. He just caught the sight of Buffy and Tara standing on the stairs before Xander turned him back. Their lips met, and Spike let Xander kiss for him for a moment before he pulled away. It was a ploy. Another trick by Xander to chase Buffy away. His wife would eventually crumble their castles made of sand. He knew it. He stood, staring at Xander and then Cordelia. They were family by love, blood, treachery and death. However, the only chance he had to be a good man again was the woman who looked like she was going to faint from watching him kiss another man.
“Go home, Xander.”
Then he ran. Disappearing into his study. His refuge when the world was too much, but all he could do was stare at the blank computer screen while he tasted Xander on his mouth, and wishing it was Buffy.
~~~~~~
The look on Buffy’s face was enough to make Xander want to shout in triumph. The disillusionment was priceless. Oh, words were one thing, but to watch your supposedly heterosexual husband kiss another man was another thing. The past made them comfortable with a physical relationship between them. You did what you did when celebrating life’s victories with the ones traveling the path with you.
“Come on, Xander,” Cordelia said, coming over to help him stand. “I think the fun is over for the night. Wouldn’t want the virgins to swoon or anything.”
”I’m not as weak as you think.” Buffy made her way toward them with seemingly more confidence than she should have had. “I know about your past with my husband. And that’s exactly what it is, the past. He’s mine now. So, get used to it and quit playing your games.”
Once she was close enough, Xander could see the doubts that Buffy carried shining in her eyes. She was still insecure enough, and he was just the man to play on those weaknesses. Not caring anymore about the promises he’d made to stay out of their marriage or to respect this little blonde twit for the sake of his friendship with Spike, he was ready to answer her challenge.
Xander shook off Cordelia’s warning hand. He took a step closer to Buffy, grabbing her upper arms and pulling her up toward him. Pressing his lips against hers, he let one hand slide down to cup her bottom. Before she could even fight back, he released her as abruptly as he’d grabbed her.
“You saw what I am to Spike; even you can’t be that dense.” Xander backed away, grabbing his jacket from off the back of the chair and took his wife’s hand. “I’ll never be out of his head…or his heart. You’ve been fighting the wrong ghost. It’s me, not Drusilla.” He leaned over and kissed Cordy on the cheek. “Come on, baby, let’s head home. This place is giving me the creeps.”
~~~~~~~~
Buffy stood watching as the couple left, feeling even more confused than before. None of it made sense. She wondered why Cordelia hadn’t had anything to say about Xander’s performance. Or maybe the other woman already knew and accepted the relationship between the two men. She quickly turned around to find Tara standing right behind her with pity clearly written on her features.
“It’s all a game, Tara. Mind games where Xander tries to tear me apart and make me doubt William. I won’t give in to it though. If Will can’t forgive what I’ve done then it’s between us and has nothing to do with that ass.”
“Are you sure? I…it was…are they…I mean, were they lovers?”
“Apparently,” Buffy snapped. She rubbed her forehead. “No, it was just all part of a lifestyle they once lived. One William wants nothing to do with anymore and Xander can’t let go of, so it leaves their friendship in a bit of a quandary.” After tonight, she figured that her friendship with Tara was over. No one could stand in this snake pit of her life and accept it. Impulsively, she wrapped her arms around her friend. “I’m so sorry.” Suddenly she was sobbing.
The hug was returned with astonishing strength. “You’re my best friend, Buffy. I don’t care about anything but your happiness. And you seem anything but happy. I’ll be here for you. No matter what happens.”
“Thank you.”
They stood holding onto one another while Buffy cried as she’d needed to do for a long time. It was so hard to remain strong when you felt so weak. Choices needed to be made, and the truth needed to be told. She stepped back.
“Go on to bed, Tara. I’m going to have it out with William. It’s going to be settled one way or another tonight.”
~~~~~~~~
His fingers caressed the phone for a few moments while he tried to make a decision. There was only one person who could give him some levelheaded advice about his latest fuckups. With a sigh that came from somewhere deep inside him, he picked it up and dialed the number. He thought it was a shame that it was answered on the second ring, because there wasn’t a chance for him to hang up. He couldn’t call it a mistake or come up with a stupid excuse for calling in the middle of the night.
“Hello…is anyone there?” There was a moment of fumbling before Giles spoke again. “Spike, are you there? Is everything all right?”
“I don’t know how to get out of this mess of my life.”
There wasn’t any need for any lengthy explanations. Giles knew it all. He would understand even if no one else ever did. He always kept Spike’s ass out of trouble. More times than he wanted to admit to anyone, especially himself.
Giles sighed. “It’s because of Buffy. I know you love her, but she’s not only competition but also someone that will always want to do the right thing. Are you ready for everything to be exposed? Or more importantly, are you ready to lose everything you have for her?”
“Are you telling me to divorce her?”
“No, Spike. I’m not. I think the first thing you need to do is tell her everything. And I mean everything…even down to the oath we took the night Drusilla died. She doesn’t have any evidence to take to the police, so we don’t have to worry about charges. Plus she’s your wife and can’t testify against you.”
“I don’t want to lose her.” Spike covered his face with his hand. He already knew tears were falling from his eyes. He just needed to feel them. Like he needed his wife. Suddenly, it didn’t matter about the slip up of earlier. The information could have come from a hundred sources, and he decided to trust her. After all, she was his sunshine.
“If she truly loves you, she’ll stand by you.” Giles said.
His words didn’t matter though, because Spike had already decided to come clean and tell Buffy every ugly detail of his life. He prayed that she wouldn’t leave him. That her love would be strong enough to see the man he wanted to be for her.
“Thanks,” Spike muttered, almost as an afterthought. “I’m going to go talk to her.”
He hung up the phone with a lighter heart and a rekindled sense of hope. With a smile, he ran up the stairs to find his wife.
~~~~~
It was time to come clean. About everything. If William truly loved her, then he would understand her desire to make it all better for him. She hugged Tara one last time before hurrying to her bathroom. She would get the diary, give it to Will, and tell him that she’d read part of it. Somehow, she knew it was going to be all right. Kneeling on the floor, she pulled open the bathroom drawer where she’d hidden it. It hit her then. She froze, staring into the contents of the drawer. No, it couldn’t be. Her hand went to her belly as she tried to remember the last time she’d had her period.
“Oh god,” Buffy whispered, when she realized it had been at least two months. “I’m pregnant.”
to be continued
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