Chapter 27 – Truths
The dream and excitement for a new start to his marriage propelled Spike to run up the stairs and into the master bedroom. Making Buffy realize his love for her was foremost on his mind, not allowing any room for doubt to enter his mind. He just knew that this was what the night. The moment their relationship would become all he wanted. From that first day he saw her, he knew she would belong to him in every way possible. Now it would come to the full realization without any more secrets between them. His love for her came from a small corner of his soul that somehow had remained untainted by the way he’d lived his life for more years than he could count.
Maybe, finally, Drusilla would leave him alone. Stay out of his dreams, and let the guilt he felt over her death dissipate. All he needed to do was trust that Buffy would be able to handle the truth with her love for him still intact. A smile of anticipation teased at his lips as he quickly moved through the bedroom and toward the bathroom in search of his wife. The closed
door made him hesitate, but then he knocked softly on the door.
“Pet, okay for me to come in?”
There was no response to his query, but he could hear the slight sound of her rapid breathing. He reached for the knob, trying it, and with relief found it unlocked. He pushed it open, stopping when he saw Buffy sitting on the floor. She was leaning against the bathtub with her legs crossed. On her lap was a book, but she was ignoring it as she stared at some spot on the floor.
Something was horribly wrong, was all Spike could think as he rushed to kneel in front of her. He cupped her face, gently turning it so that he could look down into her eyes filled with tears. There was confusion shining from them, but there seemed to be a trace of hope and joy filtering through somehow.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, praying that somehow everything was still going to be all right.
Buffy reached up to stroke his cheek as a few tears slid down her cheeks. “I love you, William. Please, don’t hate me for it. All I wanted was for us to be happy.”
Laughing with a trace of fear, Spike kissed her forehead. “I know you love me, Buffy. What could you have done that would be so terrible?”
She reached down letting her fingers trace the book she was holding. Then biting her lower lip, she handed it to him. Seemingly unable to handle his reaction, she turned her head so that she was facing the wall. Her arms wrapped around her knees in a protective pose.
Spike’s heart was pounding against his chest. He sat on the floor before looking down at the book in his hands. It took only a second for him to realize that it was a journal, and only another moment for him to know that it belonged to his first wife. Buffy had not only read something that was private, she had to have been snooping into Drusilla’s closet. He flipped through the pages, recognizing the old-fashioned looping handwriting of Dru. A few words jumped out at him. Hurtful words only because he could hear her voice, so girlish, yet so cruel when she spread her venom.
He carefully put the journal down on the floor between them, before he looked up the woman who shared his life. Once he believed she was innocent, honest, and would only bring him happiness. Suddenly, she wasn’t. She betrayed him, going behind his back to find out the secrets he’d been ready to share with her only a few moments before. Now, his confidence in a new beginning for them was evaporating in light of this new information.
“How long have you had this?”
“A few months.”
Buffy reached out her hand to him, but Spike ignored it. Almost their entire marriage she’d been lying to him. Their whole marriage had been filled with lies. Just like his first one.
“I can’t do it again, Buffy.”
“I love you.”
“So did she…she said the same thing,” he paused, swallowing back the pain. “And she did. Maybe it was twisted…not anything that anyone could understand, but she loved me.” He wrapped a lock of her hair around his finger. “I thought you were different…could trust you not to betray me.”
“I did it for us,” Buffy protested. She shifted to her knees, wrapping a hand around his wrist. “I only wanted to know the truth of what happened to Drusilla. That maybe you wouldn’t be so unhappy if you knew who killed her.”
“Did you ever think that maybe I already knew?” Spike stood, arm swinging wide as the anger finally reached beyond his pain. “Did you ever think that I don’t give a damn, that I’m just glad the bitch is dead?” He took a deep breath, throwing his head back as he tried to regain control of his careening emotions.
He felt her hands on his legs as she knelt before him. Buffy was sobbing, leaning her forehead against his hip. He didn’t let the wall slip. Drusilla used tears, sex or money to get what she wanted. Buffy was turning out to be the same. He stepped back, grabbed her wrists before shoving her aside. She caught herself with her hands before her head hit the edge of the tub. Guilt darted through him, but it wasn’t enough to stop him. He needed to hurt her as much as he was hurting.
“Have you ever considered that I’m the one who did it?” He squatted next to her so that he could whisper in her ear. “Luv, you better watch it, because you might be next.”
~~~~~~~
“Fuck you,” Buffy screeched at her retreating husband’s back. She scrambled to her feet so that she could follow him. “I only lied because you wouldn’t talk to me.” She caught up to him, grabbing his arm to try to stop him. “You treat me like I’m a little girl or some doll that you can take out and play with when it suits you. You’re not the only one who can’t take anymore.”
William swiftly turned, grabbing her by the shoulders, and forcing her back against the wall so that she couldn’t move. She wasn’t really frightened. Unless he lost total control, he wouldn’t hurt her. She trusted…no, knew him that much. Just like she knew he didn’t murder Drusilla. He was too passionate of a man. It was too easy for him to feel remorseful over a bad judgment call, much less a murder. Yet somehow, he’d still loved the treacherous bitch no matter what she’d done. Probably more than he loved Buffy. That was the one thought always echoing through her head and heart even during the best times of their relationship. How could a small town girl compete with a sophisticated beauty like Dru, no matter how evil she was?
“I’ve always admired the woman you are,” Will said, and then chuckled. “No, make that the woman I thought you were.”
“Don’t do this, Will, please. You know how much I love you even if you’re denying it right now. You’re scared,” Buffy whispered. “I understand, but I’m not Drusilla.”
There was a flicker of response in his eyes, but then he immediately shut down again. She wasn’t getting through to him. This night could break them apart for good if she didn’t tread carefully, but she wasn’t ready to let him go. She forced herself to take a calming breath as the heat of his anger fanned over her face. She would find a way to hold onto, not only the man, but also his love.
“Maybe you don’t look like her, but you’ve certainly been acting like the lying bitch. Going behind my back, snooping through things that aren’t any of your business.”
“Don’t.” She spoke softly, holding his gaze without fear. “Yes, I lied to you, but I did it because I thought the truth would make things better. We’re married Will, anything that concerns you, concerns me. Besides, I know that you didn’t murder her. I can’t believe that you could be so heartless. Not the man I love.”
“Why Buffy? Why do you believe in me so much?” He let go of her to sit on the edge of the bed. “Because you love me? Because you still believe in fairy tales and all that happy ending bullshit?”
Buffy sat beside him, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees so that she was staring at the floor. “I did once…it wasn’t so long ago. A man rescued me on the beach, fed me ice cream and swept me off my feet with promises to worship me forever.”
“Didn’t take very long for you to figure out that your prince was really a toad.” Will laughed scathingly as he shook his head.
“No.” Buffy took his hand, squeezing it tightly. “Not a toad, but a man. Someone who is real, deep, and caring. I know that anyone who can make love to me so tenderly couldn’t be so cold as to murder the woman he loved no matter what she’d done.”
“I came up here to tell you the truth. For me to come clean about everything, and I was so excited. Maybe it’s me that believes in those happy endings…I thought you were the answer to all my dreams.”
“I can’t be everything. I’m just a girl.”
Will looked up at her with such wonder that it made her insides flip-flop. “No, you’re the one. The special woman that only comes along once in a lifetime.” He sighed. “Please tell me the truth…about what you read, or found out.”
How could she tell him everything? About a baby he never knew existed? Despite his outwardly apparent hatred for his first wife, Buffy knew that a part of him still loved Drusilla deeply. How could she hurt him even more than he’d already been hurt? She sighed, curling her hand around his as she tried to sort through everything that was going on in her mind. Not only was there the fight with her husband but also weighing on her was the possibility of her own pregnancy.
“Only rumors,” she finally whispered. “Maybe the truth…the cheating. I didn’t read the whole journal. Just bits and pieces, like the nicknames she gave to her lovers. The drug use, and how self absorbed she really was. It made me ache for you…I can’t understand how she could do that to someone she professed to love, her husband. It’s crazy.”
“Her father spoiled her and made her think the universe revolved around her and her wants.”
“Why did you have the journal out tonight?”
Buffy smiled. “Because I was going to give it to you, and confess what I’d done.”
Will leaned over to press his forehead against hers. “Are you that threatened?”
“Yes. She still has a hold on you. Through the memories you carry, from your relationship with Xander and Cordelia.” She hesitated for only a second. “Because you refuse to get rid of her things. You’re holding on to her so tightly that sometimes I feel her presence when you hold me or when we have sex.”
Suddenly standing, Will went to stare out the sliding glass doors with his hands on his hips. He was angry, but for once, she wasn’t afraid of it. She wasn’t ready to retreat to get back on his good side and make him happy. It was long past time for them to talk about this, and she was going to see it through.
“I’m sorry.” Will turned to look back at Buffy. “I should never have pursued you. You deserve better than to feel second…,” he laughed scathingly, “or even third.”
“Did you lie about you and Xander?” She suddenly blurted out before she could change her mind. Had Will been having an affair the entire time they’d been married? The guilt shadowing his face made her stomach drop. He didn’t answer, but she persisted. “That kiss earlier was more than one of mere friends.”
“No, not really,” Will said, crossing his arms as he stared out over the city. “We’ve never…fucked each other, but when there’s three people, there’s bound to be a lot…touching. Do you want details, Luv?”
“No,” Buffy answered. “Are you in love with him?”
“I’m in love with you.” He chuckled. “I hate that fact right now, but I do.”
Buffy went to him, wrapping her arms around his middle. It took a moment before he relaxed and put his hands on her arms. His fingers caressed her skin with soft strokes. She kissed his shoulder as she garnered the courage to ask the one question she needed to ask. Not that it would make a difference. She already knew the answer. She wanted to hear him say the words. No, she needed to hear him say it, so they could move forward once and all.
“William, did you murder Drusilla or know who did?”
Turning in her arms, he pulled her tight against him. Kissing her forehead first, his lips drifted down the side of her face until he nipped at her earlobe. “Yes, Buffy.”
to be continued…
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