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Chapter 33



Breathe.

He had to breathe, but he couldn’t remember how…he gasped, there was a sharp pain in his arm. His eyes blinked as the burning sun tore into his retina. No, maybe it wasn’t the sun, but tears blinding him to his surroundings. Where was he? He didn’t know. Someone was screaming. Throwing his arm out, he tried to find purchase. Nothing was below his feet as he teetered on the edge of the terrace wall. He swayed between flying to freedom and the hands holding him back.

Spike’s stomach revolted. He struggled to find solid ground in the chaos surrounding him. Lost. Xander said everything was lost. Oh god, Xander jumped. He tried to focus to see if he was all right. No, no he wouldn’t be.

Xander was dead. Cordelia was dead, too. So was his wife. No, that wasn’t true. He shook his head. Buffy was alive. He screamed her name. Where was she? Did she leave, too? Buffy wouldn’t. She was always there. Spike pushed at the wall, falling onto his ass, scrambling back to safety.

“Buffy, where are you? Buffy…please?”

“I’m here.” Buffy’s soothing calm voice filled him, anchoring him, and he followed it back to clarity. “I’m here, Will, I’m here.”

Loving arms held him. Fingernails dug into the flesh of his upper arm even as she cuddled him against her breast. It was raining. He looked up. No, it was tears and she was sobbing.

“Xander? Did it really happen?”

“Yes, I’m sorry…so sorry.”

Sirens screamed, coming closer to them. Somebody had called the police. They would be here asking questions. Spike covered his mouth with his hand, rocking and hoping it would all disappear into a nightmare and that Buffy would soon wake him.

“I can’t…oh god, no,” he wailed. “Make it go away…please…”

Buffy shook him, hard enough to make him stop crying. He peered up at her, shuddering at the intensity of her face. His teeth snapped together when she shook him again.

“Will, the cops are going to be crawling all over the place any second. You have to pull yourself together.”

Spike shook his head, losing to the agony of the last few minutes. Buffy stood, pulling on his arm with a persistence he couldn’t ignore. He stumbled after her until they reached the living room. She pushed him onto the couch while all he could do was stare at her. The sirens were louder from outside and he moaned. Buffy left him to use the phone. She was short and terse before clicking off and then she called someone else.

“Who?” He coughed, trying to clear his closed throat. “Who were you on the phone with?”

“Giles and Tara. They’re both on the way.” Buffy sat next to him, taking his hands into her lap. They were soft, yet assured, making him feel safe. “Giles is sending over a lawyer. You are not to answer any questions until they get here. Do you understand?”

“But I didn’t do anything…”

“It’s going to be a mess. No matter what. A lot of people are going to be here and anything…anything at all you say could end up on the evening news. Do you understand to keep your mouth shut?”

Pulling his legs up to wrap his arms around them, he nodded. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. All he wanted was for Buffy to hold him. She was the only thing he could hold onto in a world gone suddenly very wrong. A voice inside his head kept whispering that he wasn’t worthy of her and he knew it was right.

The elevator opened and hell sent forth its demons to retrieve him. Only Buffy stood between him and them.

“I’m a lucky man,” he whispered, reaching for her hand.


`````````

They were gone. All of them. The last of the police and paramedics had left almost an hour ago. Will’s new lawyer, Lilah Morgan, had just exited the penthouse. Their home was eerily quiet after the barrage of interrogations, searching and filling out of reports. They still weren’t done with them and were told they should be ready to answer more questions.

Drained by everything she’d been through in the past few hours, Buffy collapsed onto the couch, burying her face in her hands as she tried to find a minute amount of reserved energy to get through the rest of the evening. Giles was accompanying Will upstairs for a talk, Jenny sat next to her on the couch and Tara was somewhere in the apartment.

Buffy chuckled. The former pact she once damned wasn’t seen in the light it once was, because tonight a new pact was formed. It included all who remained at Sanctuary, plus Lilah and Doyle who had an exclusive inside story to the truth. Or at least, the cleaned up truth as it was decided during the course of the endless afternoon. All the guilt lay on the deceased couple, with William as the hapless victim drawn unwilling into their twisted lives.

“I made you some tea and a sandwich,” Tara said, setting a plate and mug on the coffee table. She sat beside Buffy. “You need to keep your strength up.”

“Thank you,” Buffy said, smiling at her friend. “I don’t know if I can eat anything but the tea is certainly a must.”

“Try Buffy,” Jenny said, rubbing Buffy’s back in comforting circles. “If not for you then for the baby.”

“How did you know?” Buffy asked, searching the other woman’s face in amazement. She’d never said anything about her pregnancy. Not even when Buffy gave the accounting of her whereabouts to the police. She stared at Jenny, wondering how much the other woman knew and how she’d found out. Suspicions crowded her mind. Would Jenny cause more problems? Although the two women had never been really close, Buffy never considered Jenny an enemy. At least not in the way Cordelia and Xander had been.

“I won’t say anything,” Jenny said. “I guessed.” She smiled. “Throughout the afternoon, you would rest your hand on her stomach in a loving, protective way. I think its wonderful news. Something good to come out of all this bad.”

Relaxing, Buffy picked up her tea, bringing it to her mouth to blow gently on it. “Yes, it is a good thing. Please don’t tell Will. Let me. And I will when I think he’s ready for it. Right now, damn it,” Buffy squeezed her eyes shut. “This was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives and…”

“Don’t,” Tara said. “It’s still a beautiful thing. Nothing those two did could ever take that away from this baby. When Will finds out, the two of you will celebrate.”

“Thank you.” Buffy sipped her tea. “I just don’t understand.” She shook her head. “How…why would Cordelia do it? I know they were rivals, but…”

Jenny sighed. “There are so many things, so much that happened, that I hope you’ll never know all of it.”

“I already know too much.”

“Maybe if Buffy knows more,” Tara hinted, looking past her friend to pinpoint Jenny in her gaze. “She could understand so she can help Will deal with everything.”

Sighing, Jenny stared at a picture on the side table of Buffy and Spike in a rare carefree moment of their marriage. She seemed to be thinking over whether she wanted to confess what she knew or keep the deadly secrets unrevealed. Finally, making a decision she nodded, tucking her hair behind one ear before speaking.

“It all started off fairly normal. Spike loved Drusilla, Xander and Cordy were besotted with each other, but then things changed. The affairs started, and Xander and Drusilla began their games.” She stopped to take a drink from the glass of water she’d left on the glass table by the couch. “Then Cordelia wanted to even the score, but it didn’t work. Spike wouldn’t have anything to do with Cordelia. He only wanted Drusilla even if she was cheating on him. When the flirting didn’t work, Cordy tried to seduce Spike after some party, but he wouldn’t give in. She couldn’t stand that Dru could have both men, but she couldn’t. And as silly as it seems, Cordelia was crazy in love with Xander. She made him into the man she wanted, only to have it backfire on her. She was always second best.”

“It’s so sad,” Tara said. “They were all so beautiful, talented and rich, but they were all so corrupt and miserable. Didn’t they ever see there was more to life than money and status?”

“Yes, I think they did,” Jenny replied. “A little bit anyway. In their own twisted way, the four of them were family.’

“Where did you and Giles fit into the family?” Buffy asked, sitting up so she could look at Jenny. It was time for truth, all of it, whether it was hurtful or not. There were many decisions to be made in the coming days, and she wanted to make the right ones…for her and her baby.

Jenny’s eyes widened, opening and shutting her mouth several times. She was clearly uncomfortable at the question. After a moment, she nodded. “We were all in it together. The fame, the lifestyle went to our heads…all of us, including Giles and me. But know this Buffy, Giles and I never…never condoned the endless partying or the affairs. We both tried to talk to Spike, to get him out of this, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Maybe you should have tried harder,” Buffy snapped, standing up. She needed to move, to burn the adrenaline pouring into her body. Rubbing at her forehead, she paced in front of the coffee table. “Will needed someone on his side, not someone patting him on the head so they could stay on the gravy train he provided.”

“Buffy,” Giles interrupted her tirade.

She looked up to see the older man descending the stairs. He looked tired, almost desperate for another reality then the one they were currently living. Just like she did. A hint of sympathy drained a bit of the fury she’d been feeling. No matter how much she loved Will, she couldn’t change him or stop his self-destructive relationships with Cordelia or Xander.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault but Will’s. He was the one who chose his friends, married a woman who used him, and took the drugs. Nothing she nor Giles or Jenny could do anything to help a man who didn’t want it. Buffy sat down, hard, on the edge of a side chair. A sob caught in her throat as she gave up. It was over because she couldn’t fight anymore. If Will didn’t love her enough to make their marriage a priority and put it before his other relationships, then she didn’t need him.

Her hand covered her mouth as she let the truth sink deep into her being. Before she met Will, she’d been ready to strike out on her own and make herself a life. She could do it again for not only herself, but for her baby, too. It was something she swore she would never do, but if Will didn’t change, then she’d take his money, buy a small house and raise her child. Tears streamed down her face, crying out as her dreams shattered around her as surely as Xander Harris had died that afternoon.

Arms encircled her shoulders, holding her as she collapsed under the weight of the truth.


to be continued…





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