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Chapter 35 – Decisions



The sun was setting outside the picture window of their bedroom, sending fingers of light streaming across the pale beige carpet. They framed the shadow of her husband who sat in one of the large chairs in the corner. He stared into the brightness, ignoring everything else around him, motionless as if waiting for an invitation to the beyond.

Buffy hated daylight. It took her husband from her arms. She had to give him up, go about the business of surviving the mess left by Xander. Will stayed silent, avoiding everything and everyone. He sat in that damn chair from morning to night until she wanted to scream at him. The doctor said it wouldn’t do any good. It could cause more harm to his already damaged mind. Will needed to process everything. The death of his friend had traumatized him on a very deep level of consciouness. Eventually, Will would return when he could handle the grief.

Sometimes she wondered if he ever would. Or if he wanted to come back to her at all. All the things that were asked of her in the absence of her husband confused her. The choices she was forced to make made her feel lost and overwhelmed. Sometimes she wanted to pull up a chair across from Will and join him in his strike against life.

Only the nighttime gave her the strength to continue. In the darkness, Will held her tight, clinging as if she was the only thing he needed. It was her name he screamed when the nightmares brought his terrors to life. She would hold him; caress him until he fell asleep again. In sickness and in health was one vow she made to Will and the other was until death did them part. She was doing her best to honor those promises.

After checking to make sure Will had everything he needed, she leaned forward to kiss his cheek. No indication he felt it or even knew she was there. “I love you, Will. No matter what, I’m here,” Buffy whispered in his ear. “Just come back to me. I need you.”

His eyelashes fluttered against her cheek. He uttered a soft sigh. All she could feel was elation that maybe he was in there, that he was starting to become a part of life again. But when she pulled back, he was still staring out the window. Tears welled up in her eyes. She refused to let them fall. She’d cried more than any one person should since the morning she found Will huddled in the closet.

“If you need me, I’ll be downstairs,” Buffy said. She left him as he was, without looking back, because if she did she might fall apart. The bedroom door was left open so she could hear if he made a move. His silence continued throughout the penthouse. No music played and no television entertained, in case Will made a sound. The house was a tomb.

Buffy reached the bottom floor. Tara was in the kitchen preparing dinner while Giles and Jenny were at the kitchen table. Teacups sat in front of them. It was so normal, and she wondered if she would ever share something so simple with her husband. Her hand covered her stomach as she took her strength from the only thing that gave her hope these days.

“Everything all right?” Tara asked, looking up from the vegetables she was cutting up for a salad. “Any change?”

“No.” Buffy slid into a barstool across the counter from her friend. “For a second I thought..,” she shook her head. “It was nothing.”

“Did you bring up the funerals tomorrow?” Giles asked. “We have to get him there.”

There was concern in his voice, but Buffy didn’t care if Will went to the funerals or not. The gossip rags were tearing him apart, judging his lack of public appearances or a statement of grief over the deaths. They insinuated things that weren’t true, trying to ruin his reputation without knowing what really happened.

She didn’t care if the whole world went to hell if all they wanted was dirt. Will had picked her up when she was at the lowest point of her life, gave her love and she would be loyal to him if for nothing else other than that reason.

Except if the baby was in danger. Unless Will became angry at her, blaming her for what happened, or if he continued to cling to Drusilla’s memory. All the things her heart whispered to her when she was tired of fighting everyone and everything for the marriage she so desperately wanted. Even herself.

Buffy leaned forward, burying her face in her hand. “No, I didn’t. I don’t see how he could get through it. Giles, he won’t even look at me, at anyone. He won’t get dressed, eat, or work on his own. The only thing he’ll do is take a shit by himself and I’m in wonder at that.” A sob clogged her throat. She tried to swallow it back, but it seemed to be more determined than she was.

Arms slid around her, hugging her tight. It was Jenny. “Things will work out, Buffy. He’ll come back to you, to us. It’s just so much for him to process.”

Leaning into the supportive embrace, Buffy let the tears course down her cheeks. “I don’t know how to fight for him like this…I don’t even know if should. Look what happened because of me.”

“It is not your fault,” Giles declared, standing. He strode over to join them. “Spike should have been upfront with you instead of leaving you in doubt. And Xander’s actions certainly cannot be blamed on anyone other than himself. You did what anyone would do in that situation.”

“Yeah, like I ever will again,” Buffy snorted, pulling away from Jenny. She wiped away the tears on her cheeks. “Maybe denial is the best way to go.”

“That’s why Will is in the condition he is in,” Tara reminded Buffy. “He couldn’t face the truth of his relationships. Instead he kept hoping that things would work out without any effort on his part.” She slid the diced carrots and tomatoes into the salad bowl. She reached for the head of leafy lettuce. “You need to continue to fight,” she continued as she started to tear apart the lettuce. “If not for you then for the baby.”

Jenny sat on the stool beside her, cradling Buffy’s hands in her own. Buffy already knew what was coming. Another lecture on what was best for her and the child she carried. She shook her head.

“No, I don’t want to hear anymore,” Buffy said. Standing, she backed away until she could look at the three people she now considered family. Lifting her chin and crossing her arms, she gave each of them a stern look. “I will not put William in a psychiatric facility until he can deal. No, I won’t leave him in a nurses care to take a vacation. No, I won’t file for divorce so I can save my own good name.” She faltered when another sob came forth. “I need to cling to my own dreams and my love for him. I want to believe that he loves me enough to return to me on his own. And I need…damn it, I need him.”

“Oh sweetie, I know,” Tara said, rushing to Buffy’s side to give her a hug. “No one is asking you to, not anymore. Whatever you want is what we’re going to do. Okay?”

“You promise?” Buffy whispered. She looked over Tara’s shoulder to look at the others. “I know. I understand, but I can’t. Not yet. I’m fine. The baby is fine.” She pulled away from her friend, tried to wipe away the tears that were falling faster than she could get rid of them. “Just a little longer…please, leave it be. I promise I’ll leave if it gets to be too much. If he doesn’t come back, I’ll consider the alternatives. But it’s only been days, and I still can’t get the awful night out of my head. How could I expect Will to deal with losing his best friends and finding out they murdered his wife? It’s too much for anyone.”

“All right,” Jenny agreed. She glanced at Giles. “But we want a promise from you.”

“What?” Buffy asked, standing straighter. There was no bargaining. As much as she’d come to count on the couple, she wasn’t going to let them bully her or do anything that would potentially hurt Will.

Jenny smiled. “We want you to promise that you’ll let us continue to help you. Ask us for anything you need.”

“You’re already doing that.”

“I quit my job,” Tara announced. She sat on a barstool with a sigh, and then she smiled. “I called earlier and told them I wasn’t coming back. Buffy, may I stay here until things are better with you and Will? I know I should have asked you first but you’ve been dealing with so much…” She trailed off as she looked anywhere but at Buffy.

“What else has been decided in my best interest?” Buffy demanded.

Jenny took Giles hand. “We’ve decided to get married.” She looked at Giles. “Actually I’ve decided to marry him. It’s not always like Xander and Cordelia.” She returned her gaze to Buffy. “Sometimes love is tough and worth fighting for. You taught me that. And I don’t want to waste another moment of life.”

“Anything else?” Buffy asked, trying hard to fight the first genuine smile in what seemed forever. She was both relieved at Tara’s decision and elated that Giles and Jenny were finally going to make it legal. “Come on. ‘Fess up. I can see the guilt on your faces.”

“Just that we’re here for you and for William. No matter what changes or what comes up,” Giles said. He pulled his glasses from his face to fumble with them.

“Even if he never writes another word? Even if he never makes you another cent?” Buffy had to ask. It was crude, but she needed to know where Giles stood. Needed to know if he genuinely cared for William or if he was hanging onto one of his most lucrative clients until he knew for sure if the gravy train would roll again or not.

Giles slipped his glasses back on, and then he put his hands on Buffy’s shoulders. “Buffy, I’ve come to care for Will as a son. Something I didn’t fully realize…or accept until this tragedy hit. You, my dear, are the best thing to ever happen to him. I’m proud of you, standing your ground and protecting him so fiercely. So, to answer your question, yes, I’m here even if he never writes publishes another book in his lifetime.”

Sincerity shone in Giles’ eyes, something she never saw in her own father’s eyes, and she accepted him at his word. She relaxed, nodding her head because her voice failed her in the face of so many declarations and emotions. She leaned forward, letting Giles bring comfort to her battered soul.

This was what family was about, this solidarity in the face of problems, and a sense of not having to go it alone. She knew with these people around her, that somehow she and Will would find a way through these rough times. She just had to keep her faith in the love she held for her husband and the belief that the child she carried would unite them in the marriage she wanted so desperately.

~~~~~~~~~~

They thought he couldn’t hear them. That he didn’t know of their discussions of what to do with him, of how to handle the publicity and the fights Giles was having with David concerning the script. He knew about how hard of a time Buffy was having, about Tara’s continual support, almost that of a sister, and the parental roles Giles and Jenny had taken with his wife. He even knew about the baby they spoke about in hushed whispers.

Their words echoed around the empty, silent cavernous penthouse, bouncing off the cold metallic furniture to echo in his mind. He listened to them, but chose to keep silent. His mind raced so fast that he couldn’t decipher all the messages and memories bombarding him. Drusilla’s words that he would never father a child crashed against the understanding of Buffy’s pregnancy. Xander’s lies to keep him around, and the decision to murder his wife. It was too much and he waited for the calm at the end of the storm to face the world again. Until then only the loving comfort of Buffy’s arms kept him sane.

But he also knew that time was running out. Tomorrow everything would change again whether he was ready to handle it or not.

to be continued…





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