The view of the ocean outside his window distracted Will from his work. He sighed as he forced himself to look around his new study. It was a perfect place for him to create or to keep the world away. There was enough space for all of his books, but it was small enough to be cozy. Often Buffy would curl up on the corner loveseat in the evenings when he worked late so they could still be close. It was comforting to have her near him even if she was engrossed in a magazine or even resting with her earphones playing her favorite tunes. Often he found himself smiling as he watched her feet dancing, as they kept beat to the music only she could hear.
He drummed his fingers on his wooden desk, before pushing the thoughts from his mind and returning to the almost completed task before him. All he needed to do was finish it and he could put a ‘the end’ to that part of his life. The last links to a past that no longer seemed real, except it had happened and his current novel would be a constant reminder proof of it. It was an expose disguised in a fictional account of a vampire clan to represent his relationships to those around him. A fitting metaphor for the very life they sucked from his soul.
He didn’t know if he would ever publish it. All he knew was that it was his catharsis.
A chance to work through all of the emotional scars he carried from those relationships. Including the ripping of his soul from his body as he watched Xander jump off the roof of his building. Not even the murder of Drusilla cut him as deep as the suicide of his best friend. It made him question his own right to share in the world around him, to accept Buffy’s love and to take on the responsibility of fatherhood. Only his inner voice screaming that he didn’t want his life to be over led him to break from his stupor and find someone who could help him find his way back.
Defining his emotions made looking back at his dark past clearer than it had ever been while living it. Often he would share the pages with the therapist he still saw a couple of times a month to get an impartial opinion on his motives and desires.
His fingers returned to his keyboard as he returned to those bitter days….
It amazed me how a beautiful day could mark such a tragedy. The sun was high in the afternoon sky with not a cloud in sight. The green grass bent without protest under my footsteps as I made my way across the cemetery. The palm of my right hand was probably bloody. I didn’t look. It hurt where the thorns of the two roses I clutched dug into my hand. It was all right though. The pain was only an extension of the relationship I had with Nicholas and Camellia.
Earlier in the day, I stood bemused by all the blooms available for purchase in the flower shop. Their sweet perfume was heady as I studied them, but in the end, I chose a traditional red rose for Nicholas and pink for Camellia. It seemed appropriate. Despite the flamboyant decadence of their lives, they both craved a hearth and home situation, and yet never could sacrifice enough to build that life. The pleasure in their vampire blood lust was too strong to ever seek another path. Only their dependency on me kept them from taking too much of my life force. They left me alive so that I could be their gopher and servant in the daytime hours.
While I made my way across the cemetery, my free hand held tightly to Honey’s. She was the reason I was there. She felt it was for the best and at times like this I let her make the decisions. It was she who understood the meaning of family and her teachings were slowly seeping into my thick skull. If she weren’t so patient, I never would have seen my brother for the truly evil person that he’d become over the years. Without her love, my own soul would have burned away by the fires of hell that finally consumed the others.
The graves were high on a hill, marked by ostentatious monuments linked by a statue of an angel. It would be something Nicholas would like, Camellia too, to be even larger in death than they were in life. The angel was carved from the finest marble. A serene expression on her lovely face gave comfort to those who wanted to believe in the powers of beyond. Personally, I doubted if any angel would dare guard the bodies of Nicholas or Camellia in fear of losing their own salvation. Some people didn’t deserve the rewards of heaven. We can only beg forgiveness for them being so blind to the truth and pray for their eternal soul. In the end, my brother bore the chains he made with his choices.
Reaching the gravesite, I was surprised by the number of townspeople who attended. Their gazes at me weren’t friendly, and many were hostile, but I wouldn’t let them get to me. After all, I’d chosen the path of righteousness and it was with my hands that I’d taken the beast from their midst. Yes, my brother had died at my hands and with his death Camellia was freed from her own curse, but she didn’t want it. The aging of her flesh after her return to being human was too much and she chose death instead.
Except she hadn’t. She’d been brutally murdered at the hands of Xander. And it was her death that carried more guilt for William. If only he hadn’t straddled the line of his own sexuality when it came to Xander, maybe they would still be alive. Only he had loved Xander more than just a friend or brother, yet not enough to be lovers. For so long it was only Xander who cared for him and accepting that love was a debt that in the end came with too high of a price, not only for him but also for everyone around him.
After all that happened, he knew that accepting genuine love and accepting love because you needed to be loved were two different things. It was hard coming to the realization that he needed the affirmation of being loved so much that he let the wrong person too close to him, but it was a mistake he would never make again.
Needing a drink, Will left his study to head for the kitchen. He took the back hallway so he wouldn’t have to intrude on the women in his living room. Tara and Jenny were visiting Buffy to spend the afternoon planning Jenny’s wedding to Giles. They were oohing and ahhing over dresses in the latest bridal magazine. The affair would be small, but Jenny wanted something elegant and her friends were determined to make it an extraordinary affair. Everyone in their small family was looking forward to the happy event. After months of struggling to find peace again, they all deserved a celebration.
Will leaned against the kitchen counter, sipping a glass of water while he stared out the window. He felt a part of him relax as he watched the ocean roll onto the shore in an ancient rhythm that would last long after he died. It gave him faith along with a reminder that he wasn’t the center of the universe, but only a small part of it. Daily he gave thanks for this second chance.
The need to end the final links to the past drove him to hurry back to the study. He shifted through the printed pages next to his keyboard as he tried to pick up the threads of his writing again. Something stopped him. The name, Emmaline, seemed to jump out at him. He started to read what he’d written a few days ago…
My return to the chalet was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. A huge dwelling where we all chose to live, once upon a time, and now I was the only survivor of the original four. Honey kissed my cheek softly before retiring to her suite on the second floor. The sweet scent of vanilla drifted with her, but was soon lost to the heavy fragrance of roses that my first wife often wore. It clung to the air as if she were still alive. But she was dead, like my brother and his wife, another casualty of the narcissistic demon who stole their souls.
Yet, I hadn’t let her go. Despite the love of Honey, a part of my heart still belonged to Emmaline. I didn’t want it to, not anymore, but she still clung to me. To the house where her furniture still stood where she’d left it. On some lesser-used pieces, I’m sure I would find a strand of her hair where her scent still clung to the fabric. It was overpowering. I hated it. How could I have been so blind? To fall for such evil even wrapped in a seductive package. Was I that naïve? That desperate for a tender touch? I had been and was, but now I wanted her vanquished from my life.
Overcome with so many emotions, I flew out of control, overturning the furniture, throwing what I could, kicking what would not budge until I broke. Crying, I crumpled to the ground, letting all of my emotions out in a hysterical scene to rival any Victorian maiden. I don’t know how long I lay there weeping, but when my senses returned, it was to find Honey with me.
“Let us leave,” I said, staring into eyes far older and wiser than mine.
“Come live by the sea with me,” she said.
I took her hand, swearing never to return to this dark crypt filled with spider webs and dust of another time. Walking back into the sunshine I knew that my new life was just beginning. One filled with a true happiness.
Laying the paper back down, Will left his hand on top of it, letting his thumb caress the words. Just as he told Giles, he never returned to Sanctuary. From the funeral, they had gone to a hotel where they lived until they found this house. A place Buffy chose, decorating it with soft colors, and it was where they made a nursery for the baby.
“Will?”
“Hello.”
Buffy was in the doorway with a smile upon her face. “Are you busy?”
“I can make time for you.”
He pushed his chair away from the desk to give her room to settle on his lap. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her close. This was the happiest he’d been in his life. Nothing could compare to holding the woman he loved while she carried their child in her womb. He loved those moments when he felt the baby kick or watched her stomach roll from its motions. Buffy kissed the top of his head.
“The girls are going to hang out for awhile. Is that all right?”
“Of course,” he answered, hoping that didn’t mean she wouldn’t stay with him for a while longer.
“Um, Giles and Doyle are coming over, too.”
“Impromptu party, Luv?”
Not that he minded. Doyle was becoming a good friend to them while he courted Tara. Will figured one day Doyle would be a part of the family and he was glad. Doyle was one of the good guys despite his celebrity-focused magazine. However, unlike the gossip rags, Doyle tried to keep to the truth, and often he would get exclusives because of his ethics.
“Something like that,” Buffy answered. “Will, I’ve started having contractions…”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me? We need to get you to the hospital.”
If she wasn’t sitting on his laps, he would have been frantically dashing about to gather the things they needed to take with them. As it was, she was holding him down, but she seemed too calm to him.
“It’s okay.” She giggled. “The contractions are still far apart. I just spoke to Willow and I don’t need to go to the hospital yet. Until it’s time, I wanted the family here and when we did leave they could go with us.”
“Don’t scare me like that,” Will leaned back, smiling up at his wife as he basked in the knowledge that in a few hours he would be a father. He rubbed Buffy’s huge belly. “Hey there little one, it’s Daddy. We got everything ready for you, but don’t expect too much because we’re new at this parenting thing.”
“Don’t make the baby insecure about coming out. I might end up pregnant forever.”
“Nah, she’ll come out because even what we lack in experience we’ll make up in love.” Tears filled his eyes as he thought about a little girl with Buffy’s eyes trusting him with all her secrets.
“What if it’s a boy?”
“Doesn’t matter,” William shrugged. It was with love they’d chosen not to know the sex of their baby. The only thing important was that it was conceived in love. He took her hand to kiss the back of it. “He or she is loved and one of the most wanted babies ever to be born.” He paused, swallowed back his fears before looking up at his wife. “Thank you for not giving up on me, Buffy. There is so much I want to give you, to make up to you…”
“All I need is you.” She cupped his face, letting her thumb trace his lips. “I’m here…for better or worse.”
Chuckling, he playfully bit her thumb, “Well, I’ve given you the worst, now it’s time for the best. I promise.”
Suddenly he was wet. He stared up at Buffy in shock, unsure if she was all right or not.
“Shit,” Buffy cursed, trying to get off his lap. “I’m so sorry…” Then she started laughing which only confused him more.
“What happened? Are you okay?” He ran his hands over her to see if she was hurt or bleeding.
“I’m fine,” Buffy waved away his worries. She couldn’t stop laughing and had to explain between bursts of laughter. “We’re even; believe me, because my water just broke.”
“Huh?” It took a second to understand what she’d said and when it did sink in, Will jumped to his feet, wiping at his lap. “Oh my god, that’s just…”
“Gross,” Buffy finished.
He stopped his motions to look up at her. She was still giggling and he couldn’t help but join in. It was gross, but it was her and him and their family so it was okay, too. He wrapped his arms around her and started laughing, too. It wasn’t ever going to be perfect, but it was going to be good. He couldn’t ask for anything more.
~~~The End…again~~~