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Chapter Ten

"You're doing what?" Buffy asked, in complete shock.

"I'm house hunting," Spike told her proudly as Wesley poured him another glass of wine.

"That sounds great, Spike," Wesley said approvingly and patted his back before sitting back down.

"You've decided to stay in LA? What happened to the blasé attitude about staying in one place for too long?" Buffy asked
as she took a bite of her cherry cheesecake.

"I've decided that moving around so much like that doesn't
suit me anymore," Spike told her. "I think it's time I grew up
and made a home, don't you?"

It wasn't lost on her why he was doing this. It was because
of her and all her talk of settling in. She smiled at him. "And
you like it here well enough?"

He nodded. "What's not to like? It's bright, fast paced and my
career could go in many directions here. Besides, where else
do I have a Xander, Willow and Buffy? I move anywhere else
and I'll have to start all over trying to find the same kind of
friends that I've been seriously lacking since I had to leave
Sunnydale. Why start over completely when I have all that I
need right here?"

"I don't mean to intrude, Spike, but have you enough money
to buy a home?" Wesley interjected.

Spike grinned sheepishly. "Well, yes. See my mother left me quite an inheritance when she passed and I've done quite well at saving even more over the years. You wouldn't think it, but I have. So, I'm actually in a prime position to become a home owner. Or at least mortgage my way to becoming a home owner."

"I'm so happy for you!" Buffy congratulated him.

"Don't be celebrating just yet. I haven't found the home yet. Just made the appointment to start looking."

"Still, the whole decision in itself to stay is worth
celebrating," Buffy told him and raised her glass, nudging
Wesley to do the same.

"I'll clink as long as one or both of you promises to look at
some places with me."



"Okay, I agree the first one was kind of like a bread box, but the second one wasn't bad," Buffy told Spike as they
followed the real estate agent to the next home.

"It didn't have a deck or much of a backyard," Spike pointed
out.

"Maybe it would have been a good idea to keep me apprised
of the things you're looking for in a house. So, you want a big
backyard and a deck?"

"Well, yeah. That way I can have barbeques and grill on the
grill I plan to get for the deck."

Buffy giggled.

"When I picture my home. . . I don't know, I guess I kind of
picture the place you and Wesley have."

Buffy looked up at him, a strange look on her face.

"What?"

"That's kind of. . . I don't know if that's healthy or not."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I realize that we've all become very close over the
past couple months, but do you find it at all strange? I mean,
with the history we have and now you're all making nice with
me and my boyfriend."

Spike clenched his jaw and gripped the steering
wheel. "I'm ‘making nice' now? What the hell is that supposed
to mean?"

"I didn't mean it that way—"

"Then please tell me what that means? Are you telling me
that I have no place in your life now? As long as you need
me to be there to heal or whatever the hell it is you need me
to do, then all those other times when I might need someone,
I'm not supposed to come around? I'm supposed to stay
away and stay out of your life with Wesley until you decide
it's all right for me to come around? Is that it Buffy?"

"No, Spike, you're misunderstanding what I'm saying to you—
"

"Then explain it to me so that I can understand," he
demanded angrily.

"Shut the hell up so I can!"

He slammed his mouth shut and waited for her to continue.

"Of course I'm happy that you feel comfortable around
Wesley and I now. I feel comfortable with you now too. I'm
ecstatic that you've decided to make a home for yourself, and
NO, I don't expect you just come around when I ask you too.
That's a load of bull and you know it."

"Then what about the ‘making nice' comment?"

"Poor choice of words. As happy as I am that we're friends and that our horrible past doesn't follow us around like a
black cloud–"

"Not all it was horrible Buffy."

"Are you determined to twist everything I have to say?" She
unbuckled her seat belt and twisted in the chair so she could
face him. "Listen," she took a deep breath. "I'm so happy that
we are in a good place. I'm happy that we can be friends
after all the stuff that happened to us. And no, I don't mean
that all of it was horrible because it wasn't. When I said horrible, I mean that the stuff that happened after we were
separated was horrible. Not when we were together and
happy."

"You just never really talk about those times as good.
Sometimes I wonder if you really were happy or just look
back on being with me as this horrible experience. Because
while all the shit that happened to us was bad; when we
were together, I was happy. Weren't you?"

Her whole expression softened. "I was Spike. I was very
happy. I thought you knew that."

"Sometimes, I'm not so sure. When you talk about it, you talk
about how stupid you were and how wrong you were. You
tell me that I forced you into something that you shouldn't
have done. We never talk about the good times Buffy. Only the bad. I just wonder if I'm the only one here with the
amazing memories of what it was like to be loved and in love
with you."

"Oh God, that's got to be the sweetest thing anyone has
ever said to me," she said and her eyes welled up in tears.

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"And I didn't mean to make it seem as if you were just here
out of convenience for my life and putting it together."

"You ARE together, I'm trying to MYSELF together."

"You give me far too much credit. I'm not that together, Spike.
I'm still working at it. You've heard my music. Does all that
anger and angst sound like a girl that's all put together?" She
managed lightly.

"But you're trying. And I want to try too."

"That's just what I meant right there Spike. I want you to be
happy. I want you to have a home and I want you to feel that
you belong somewhere. What I don't want is for it be forced. I want it to what YOU want, not what you think you HAVE to
do. Until you announced your decision to make a home here, you seemed as if you had one foot out of the city and was just waiting until you felt it was the right time to move on. Now I've got to wonder, why the sudden change?"

"You think it has to do with you."

"It crossed my mind, but I'd like to think I'm not that conceited."

"What else crossed your mind?"

She giggled, "that you have a crush on Wesley."

Spike's eyes bugged out of his head. "What?"

"I'm teasing. Sort of. It's easy to have a crush on Wesley. I mean, look at him. Want to talk about together? We're talking about a man that knows exactly what he wants and goes after it. And, he gets it more often than not."

"No kidding. He got the elusive Buffy Summers didn't he?" Spike said dryly and Buffy hit him playfully.

"Sometimes it is weird how we all get along. You have to admit. With what we had and with Wesley. . . it's an odd little mix. Not to say that it doesn't work for us, because it has, but I guess I'm just saying that I don't want you to settle here unless you are absolutely sure you want to and not because of me or Willow or Xander. Or because in some way you
think you owe it to me, to our memory or whatever. Or because you feel that it's the right thing to do at this stage in your life when you're not really ready to settle down and you're still perfectly happy moving around.
And when you say that you picture MY home as the kind of home you want, it kind of makes me wonder how healthy our attachments are to each other."

"I'm not settling because of anyone Buffy. I'm settling for me. It's something I have to do. I'm tired of living my life as a vagabond and not having a place to call home. I'm tired of never feeling at home. Yes, having you and Xander and Willow here has helped those things. . . I told you before that the only time I ever felt I was at home was in Sunnydale with you all. So, this is like my Sunnydale I guess. I have never felt that I had my life in order and that I was an adult. I've always felt like such an immature, angry teenager that just made one unhealthy choice after another. I want to stop that. I'm almost thirty years old Buffy, I'm supposed to be an adult by now. It's time I started acting like one. It's time I took my career a little more seriously and it's time I carved out a life for myself. I just can't think of a place that would fit as well as this one and I don't want to do any more searching because, frankly, I'm tired of it. I don't think our attachments are unhealthy at all. For the first time in a long time, I FEEL healthy. I feel that I'm on the right path and it is thanks to you that I feel that way. Ever since we saw each other again, I feel as if I'd been put down this path to finally put the past behind me and part of doing that is by making plans for the future and not living by the seat of my pants anymore. I want to be the type of guy that someone feels they could rely on and trust one day. Not the guy that they'll wonder if I'll be there the next day or not."

"I'm so happy for you," Buffy said emotionally and reached up to plant a kiss on his cheek. "We'll find you the best house ever."

Spike grinned and looked over at her, "you're such a sap," he teased.

"I know. It's all your fault! I used to be tough as nails and now look at me. I'm a weepy, mushy mess!" She exclaimed and dug in her purse for tissues.

"Look in the glove compartment. Don't worry, Buffy. You can still be a right bitch when you want to be."

She slugged him on the arm, though not angrily, and then began her search for the tissues.

He fought the urge to rub his arm. He didn't want to admit it, but man, she could pack a punch! "See?" Was all he said.

TBC...please review!! Let me know what you think...





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