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Chapter Twelve



Buffy was fuming. Fuming so much, she was shaking. Then the tears started to prick her eyes and she wanted more than anything to pummel something. Here she was thinking about how great had been recently; she had a great boyfriend, a great job and then Spike had come back in her life and they’d managed to become great friends and put the past behind them. Now, come to find out, it had all been a lie. She wiped furiously at her tears and found herself not on the path to Willow’s at all, but on her way to Spike’s. She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and sighed. If she went to see him and Wesley found out, that’d just give him fodder to mistrust her even more. However, she was concerned. Concerned that Wesley had said something to him. She’d left them alone for a while when she’d gone to change. Noting how angry Wesley was and the conversation they’d just had, there was no way he hadn’t said anything to him.

Torn, unsure of what to do, Buffy instead withdrew her cell from her pocket and speed dialed Spike.

“’Ello?”

“Are you drinking?” She blurted out.

“Lil bit. What are you doing? Wesley know you’re talking to me?” He sounded bitter.

“You had words,” she stated.

“Funny thing about words. They teach you in school that they’re not supposed to hurt, but you know what? They lie. The right words can cut right to the quick. What do you want Buffy?”

“I wanted to know that you were okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re lying.”

“So what? Seems you’ve lied to.”
”About what?”

“You think I took advantage of you.”

“He said that to you?”

“Buffy,” he sighed, suddenly sounding defeated. “I’m not doing this all right? I fucked up your life once already. I’m not going to fuck it up again. I’m just going to bow out gracefully and let you live your life with him.”

“Spike, you didn’t fuck up my life.”

“I did though, didn’t I? Got you pregnant and then had to leave you. Made you sneak around.”

“Spike, you didn’t make me do anything!”

“I just wanted to love you,” he whimpered.

“I’m coming over,” she muttered. “Just give me a bit. I didn’t take the car.”

“Where are you?” He sounded startled.

“Halfway to your house. I left. Wesley and I had a fight.”

“Buffy, you shouldn’t be out by yourself. Let me come get you.”

“That sounds even safer since you’ve been drinking.”

“Does Wesley know you’re coming to see me?” He asked softly.

“No. He thinks I’m going to Willows and I had every intention to when I left.”

“What made you change your mind?”

“It occurred to me that I gave you two time alone earlier and maybe he said something to you. He laid into me as soon as we got home. That was after an extremely chilly car ride.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m angry,” she said simply.

“So am I.”

“I’m sorry. He told you I thought you took advantage of me?”

“No, he—“ He stopped. “Buffy. I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”

“What do you mean?” She asked as she strolled up his driveway.

He opened the door. “I told you I respected your relationship with Wesley and I meant that. I don’t want to do anything to come between you,” he said and clicked his phone off. She closed hers and stuffed the phone back in her pocket, standing before him.

“You didn’t. He came between us. He lied to me. I thought he understood and as it turns out. . . “ she broke off, tears welling up again, “he didn’t.”

Spike had her in his arms in an instant. He held her tight and stroked her hair, whispering comforting words in her ear.

“How is it that no matter what, no one understands or gets what happened between us except for us?” She cried against him. “I mean, they just jump to their own conclusions and don’t really hear when you tell them.” She pulled back and wiped at her tears.

“Did you tell him that I took advantage of you Buffy?” Spike asked gently.

“No! Of course not. You didn’t. I know that. I knew that then.”

“Let’s sit,” he said and brought her into the kitchen. “Something to drink?”

“Got any wine?” She asked settling on a chair.

Spike chuckled, “matter of fact, I do. Willow gave me some for the new house.” He started pulling glasses when Buffy jumped up from her seat and grabbed his wrist.

“What did you do to your hand?”

“Buffy, I’m all right.”

“Spike,” she said demandingly.

“Punched a wall.”

“Because of what Wesley said?”

He nodded. “I thought you were telling him one thing and me another.”

“Spike,” she started.

He put a finger to her lips. “Stop. I know. I know you didn’t lie to me.”

They stared at each other for a long while and if Buffy wanted to admit the truth, then she would have to admit that there was a spark there. A spark that had started with his words earlier that day with his words of loving her once upon a time with all his heart. And, now, now there was another spark. She turned away from him and sat down once again. Silently, Spike poured her the wine and set it in front of her.

“What happened?” He asked after a minute.

“He told me he didn’t want you coming over for dinner anymore. He lied. He told me all this time that he supported our friendship, but he doesn’t really. His exact words were he didn’t think you would have stuck around this long.”

Spike’s gaze snapped to hers. “He said that?”

She nodded.
“Put a right crimp in his plans when I decided to settle here didn’t it?”

Buffy couldn’t help but let a laugh escape. “Sure did.” Silence. “Do you regret it now?”

Spike held her gaze intently. “No,” he told her evenly and honestly. “I don’t regret it Buffy. Just because I had a row with your beau doesn’t mean I’m high tailing it out of here. This is my home. For the first time since leaving Sunnydale, I have a home and I intend to stay.”
“I’m glad,” she told him, giving him a watery smile. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Spike shook his head and moved to kneel in front of her, gathering her in his arms. “How did you hurt me?”

“All those times I said I blamed you. It’s probably my fault Wesley thinks that you took advantage of me. I’m sorry. I never thought you took advantage of me,” she was crying again. God, she hated to cry. “I know you loved me. I loved you too. And maybe I didn’t tell you that before, but I really did love you Spike.”

“I know you did baby,” he said soothingly, stroking her hair. “Wesley came to those conclusions on his own, Buffy. He wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was between us.”

“No one does. Not really. And I – I listened to my parents when they made it into something ugly. But it wasn’t. It really wasn’t and I’m sorry if I made you think you fucked up my life. You didn’t. You made my life better. Someone like you actually loved someone like me. I never thought it was possible. You were the first guy that ever loved me not matter how insecure and immature I was.”
Spike pulled back a little and smiled tenderly at her, pushing her hair from her face gently. “It was simply unavoidable to love you Buffy. You were the kindest person I knew, you had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever known. Still do, you know. No matter how much you try to close yourself off, I can still see it.” Leaning in he gave her a small, quick kiss on her forehead. “You’re still an inspiration to me. When we were together, you made me want to be a better man and give up my wild way and do some good. When I found out you were pregnant, I thought I’d done something really good to be having a child with you. When we lost it. . . I thought it was my penance for all the horrible things I’d ever done before, including pushing you to sneak around.”

She shook her head, “no, that’s not the way we’re supposed to think about it anymore,” she told him earnestly.

“I don’t. Because you came back into my life. You’re here inspiring me all over again to be something better than I was. What would I do without you Buffy?

“Perish and die,” she said and let a laugh escape.

Spike laughed and took her back in his arms. “What are you going to do?” He asked after a while.

“I don’t know. Go to Willow’s, I guess.”
“You could stay here. I can sleep on the couch.”

She shook her head. “No. If Wesley found out. . . I still do love him. No matter how angry and hurt I am by him right now, I still can’t hurt him.”

“I understand,” Spike stood and offered her a hand to help her up. “If you need me to stay away for a while, I get it.”

She shook her head, “no. That’s not fair. We haven’t done anything wrong. And, I . . . I think I need you Spike.”

He smiled a bit. “That works out well then because I need you too.”




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