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Chapter Thirteen
"I want to ask you a question and I want the gut reaction, no time for thinking when I ask it all right?" Tara asked, leaning slightly forward and studying Buffy.

"All right," Buffy agreed, slightly uneasy.

"Wesley has a history with a girl the same as you have with
Spike. How do you feel about it? Answer now."

"Threatened," Buffy blurted out and her eyes widened
immediately.

"Would you invite her to your home with Wesley, would you
be all right with him spending time alone with her as much as
you and Spike have?"

Buffy had a spark of defiance, then it extinguished. She
looked down. "No. I wouldn't be all right with it. I'd worry."

"About?"

"That they'd want to pick up where they left off. That old
feelings would resurface."

"Buffy. Wesley went a little about and beyond don't you
think? He might have went about it in the wrong way, and
perhaps he wasn't completely honest with his comfort level

about the whole thing, but he did invite Spike into the home
you share with him and made a concentrated effort to get to
know the man that you have such a history with."

Buffy sprang up. "That's just it! He should have told me he
didn't like it! Why did he invite Spike into our home if he didn't
really want to?"

"Like I said, he might not have gone about it in the best way,

being that it was obviously eating at him, but if I would wager
a guess, it was because he loves you and felt in that way he
was doing right by you. And how would you have reacted if
he told you he didn't feel very comfortable with Spike's
presence in your life?"

"I probably would have told him to get over it," Buffy grumbled
and sat back down, hiding her face in her
hands. "Relationships are such a pain in the ass. Why does
anyone bother?"

"It makes the world go round," Tara supplied on a chuckle.

"Yeah, well, all it seems to do in my case is make my life a
living hell. I mean. . . I feel like I'm repeating the past all over
again. Here we have Wesley," she said, holding up a
hand, "and over here," she held up her other hand, "we have
Spike. Wesley is like my parents, though not tyrannical, but
still a figure in my life that I love and respect. Well, if you call
my relationship with my parents one of respect, but anyway,
I'm off base. Wesley is my parents. The one telling me not to
see Spike. Then Spike. . . Spike is STILL Spike. Still the guy I
shouldn't be seeing."

"Seems you have another choice to make Buffy. What will
you do?"

Buffy had no answer to that.

Spike saw her walking up the path to his house and
something inside him clenched by the look on her face. She
looked tired and worried. He knew. It was then that he knew
what she was going to tell him. He found himself unable to speak and only opened the door to let her in. He felt the
familiar prick of tears behind his eyes. He felt as if he were
losing her all over again.

She took him in and he saw the myriad of emotions pass over
her face: Sadness, fear, loss, sympathy and then
resignation. Her hands were balled at her sides as he stood
before her.

"This is it then," he said softly, not daring to look at her.

"I'm sorry, Spike. I—"

"You don't have to say it Buffy. I told you if you had to do it,
then. . . you had to do it."

"I told you I needed you," she told him, as if he needed
reminding.

He looked up at her, "I know. I remember. I still need you."

A tear fell from her eye and Spike grabbed her, hauling her
against him and holding on tight. She held him just as tight and
he felt his shirt becoming wet.
"I'm sorry," she said again. "It's what I have to do."

He pulled back and stared at her. Cupping her face in his
hands he leaned in and kissed her; deeply, passionately.

Pressing his forehead to hers after coming up for air, he gazed directly in her eyes. "I'll wait for you."

She wasn't sure what he meant exactly, but she nodded,
pressed her lips to his quickly and ran from him. Closing the
door, he sagged against it, sank to the ground and had
himself a good cry.

When Wesley came home that night, Buffy was waiting for
him on the porch. She looked up at him, her expression
unreadable.

"I should have told you," he said and she noticed how tired
he looked. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt."

She stood up, standing on the top step and faced him. She
had to look down at him a little bit as he looked up at her with
worn eyes.

"You think he took advantage of me. That's not the case,
Wesley. Not the case at all."

Wesley shook his head, looking down. He paused, looked
back up at her. "I know. I'm sorry. You were hurt and all this
time, it was all about Spike. . . What was I supposed to think
Buffy?"

Buffy reached out and took his hand in hers. "I think it's time I
told you. Everything. Are you ready?"

Wesley nodded mutely and allowed her to lead him into their
home.

Chapter Fourteen

Buffy found herself restless. More so than usual. It'd been
almost a month since she'd seen Spike she knew she missed
him. It was the only way to explain the tremendous hole in
heart. She felt as if a part of her were missing and it nearly
knocked her to the floor when she realized that it was Spike.
Not that she didn't care for him, because oh god, she did. She
just hadn't realized the depth of it until she had to cut him out
of her life yet again. Only this time, it was by her own hand.

Part of her resented Wesley though. In fact, more than part
because the resentment grew day by day.

She knew she needed Spike, she just wasn't sure HOW she needed him until he was gone and she had ample time to
piece together the past few months. She compared herself to
a gaping wound after Spike and her had been separated.
She had a hole in her heart and in her soul due to their loss of
each other and their baby and she felt that she'd never heal

from it. She felt she'd never find anyone to love her again. Who could love someone as broken as she? Who could love
someone who had a child and then lost a child with their first
love? Surely, no one could.

Enter Wesley.


Wesley with his head on straight, with his penchant for knowing what he wanted and succeeding at getting it every
time. He was smart, witty, kind and had a huge heart. He
was an adult and she. . . she felt like a kid. But Wesley loved
her. He showered her with affection, he let her know that
she was lovable. And she let herself become swept away
by that feeling. She leaned on him and she hadn't realized
until now just how much. She didn't know until she started
standing on her own two feet, until she started healing and
feeling whole on her own. Until Spike had pointed out how
together SHE was.

Wesley's love had distracted her from the pain of feeling
empty. He gave her hope and she learned from him how to
pretend to be together when inside, she felt anything but.
She did warn Spike that he gave her far too much credit.

Wesley never filled the hole, never fully gave her what she
needed. Because, what she needed was Spike. Spike was
the solvent, the bandage, and the antiseptic to her gaping
wounds. It was with him—and it could ONLY be him—that
she put herself back together and started to become the
person she had always wanted to be. What was even more
wondrous? She was able to be that person for Spike. Where
he had once been her savior, she had now become his. Only
this time, it wasn't with the trappings of young, inexperienced
and fumbling love. They were equals now. They'd supported
each other and they'd grown into their lives and the path they
were meant to be on together. Only. . . there was a piece
missing. They weren't together in the way they should be.
And, after telling Wesley everything about her past with
Spike, how happy she had been, how giddy she had been. . .
she knew it to be true by the way her heart sang at the
memory and the way her lips still tingled from his kiss.
She loved Spike. Oh, she did love Wesley. She had the whole
time, but she'd never given all of herself to him the way she
had with Spike. The way she only COULD with Spike. The
talks they'd had over the past few months, the sometimes
brutal honesty they'd shared with each other; she'd opened
herself up to Spike in ways she'd never opened herself to
Wesley. So, while she did love Wesley, she was in love with
Spike.

She'd been so caught up in doing what was right this time

around, that she hadn't realized until she'd ripped out her own heart how wrong she was. Now, she felt trapped.
She'd made her bed. Now she had to lie in it.

Buffy was slicing tomatoes for the salad she was preparing
for dinner. Wesley had been going on and on over the past
few weeks about some new teacher that had started at his
school. Fred something or other. She felt guilty that she'd
barely listened to him speak about the man, but really, she
had no interest in Chemistry, which is what Fred taught. If
Buffy wasn't so sure that Wesley was very much straight,
she would have thought that he had a crush on this Fred.
He'd called her that afternoon to ask if she could please
prepare dinner as he wanted to introduce her to Fred. Seems
Fred was new in town and didn't really know anyone.
Wesley, ever the generous spirit, wanted to make him feel as
welcome as possible.

Buffy's mind kept drifting to the song she'd been working on
earlier. She rolled her eyes. A love song. That's all she
seemed to be writing these days. Love songs…HER! It was
unthinkable. She frowned as she remembered the week
before when Wesley expressed his notice of her
withdrawal. She'd dodged his questions and pretended that
everything was fine. He told her that he knew everything
was certainly not fine considering she never joined him in
their bed anymore. Instead, she would stay up and wait until
she knew he was asleep before joining him. She'd adamantly
denied anything was wrong; just stress at work she'd said.
He'd walked away from her and she felt consumed with guilt.

Guilt was an emotion she'd become quite accustomed to.
Guilt for hurting Spike, guilt for hurting Wesley. When would it
end?

"Buffy, I'm home! Fred's with me!"

Buffy plastered a smile on her face, trying to make it look as
real as possible and went to the foyer to greet her
boyfriends guest.

Her jaw nearly dropped to the floor when she realized that
the person Wesley had been speaking nonstop about was
not a man at all, but a woman. A beautiful, dainty woman with
chestnut, waist length hair, a shy smile and a sweet face.

"You must be Buffy. I'm Fred. Well, Winifred Burke, but
everyone calls me Fred. Thank you so much for having me
over for dinner," Fred greeted Buffy graciously, holding out a
slender hand and smiling brightly.

Buffy smiled back, this time genuine, and took her
hand. "Happy to have you. I've heard so much about you from Wesley."

Fred let out a nervous laugh, "oh boy. Only good things I
hope."

Buffy smiled, "all good things."

Wesley was beaming at Fred, "see, I told you. Buffy wouldn't lie. Come on, let's get you something to drink."

Buffy watched with eyebrows raised as Wesley escorted Fred into the kitchen without so much as giving her a hello
kiss.


Throughout dinner Wesley and Fred spoke animatedly about
any topic that was presented. Mainly, chemistry. Buffy
nodded in all the right places and asked questions where appropriate, but she hadn't a clue as to what they were
talking about. As she got up from the table and made her way
to the island to pour herself some more wine, she took in the
scene before her of Wesley and Fred. She started pouring
her glass, when it hit her.

Wesley was, quite possibly, in love with Fred. If not, then he
was well on his way to. Then something else hit her with the
force of a truck. Spike's words when she left him that day. ‘I'll wait for you'. She knew what he meant. By God, she knew what he meant! He loved her and he was giving her time. He

was letting her do what she felt she had to do so long ago. He wasn't pushing her, wasn't forcing her to choose him. No, he was giving her the choice and telling her that when she was ready, he would be there for her.

"Oh my God," she breathed.

"Buffy, stop!"

She looked down to see her glass was now overflowing with the cool liquid. She nearly slammed the bottle of wine
down and looked up to see Wesley and Fred staring at her
curiously.

"Just went somewhere else for a minute," she explained hastily. "Anyone want some wine?" She asked and brought over the bottle.

Wesley took it from her. "I'll pour it."

***Anyone ready for some Spuffy lovin? You must review....:)





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