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Chapter Fifteen

"That went well," Wesley told her as they loaded the dishwasher together after Fred had left.

Buffy nodded absently.

"Did you like her?"

Buffy nodded.

Wesley sighed. "Are you going to talk to me?"

She stopped at the irritation in his voice. "Sorry."

"Where were you tonight? What happened?"
She wasn't sure how to approach the subject short of just
flat out saying what was on her mind. Wesley however, beat
her to the chase.

"It's about him isn't it?"

Buffy didn't know how to answer.

"When will it just be us again Buffy?"

Buffy sighed heavily and set the glass down she was
holding. "Wesley," she started and then stopped. She really
didn't know how to say it. How do you tell the guy you've
been living with and the guy you're supposed to be in love
with that you're not? The last thing she wanted to do was
hurt him. As far as she was concerned, there'd been far too
much hurting going on.

"You love him, don't you?" Wesley asked quietly.

She fell silent.

"Did you ever love me Buffy?"

She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. This was it, the end.
She could feel it. Yes, she did love Spike, but it didn't make
the whole thing any less scary. Not only that, the end of her
and Wesley was like closing a chapter of her life that she'd
come to depend on for so long. It was the end of not just a
relationship, but a phase in her life. She was moving on from
the Buffy that needed reassurance that she could be loved,
to the Buffy that was finally learning to love herself.

"I did, Wesley. I did love you."

"But not like you love him?"

"I didn't realize—"

He waved a hand at her and walked away. "I know, I know.
You didn't realize until he came back, right?" He sounded
almost accusing.

She nodded.

He hung his head. "I never had you, not really. I knew it on
some level. I knew that there was always this part of you
that was always held back. And I knew it had to do with him.
It always was about him wasn't it Buffy?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. . . I truly didn't know—"

"How could you not have known?" He shouted at her,
slamming his fist down on the counter.

"I didn't WANT it to be about him. I just wanted to heal from
losing my baby."

"And you never stopped to think that you had to heal from
losing him too?"

"I tried so hard to push that away from him, to push HIM
away from me. . . I thought I had succeeded. It wasn't until he
came back that I remembered. That I remembered what it was
like to love him."

"And you, what? Remembered that you still held a torch for
him?"

"It wasn't like that Wesley. I didn't set out with romantic intent
with him, you KNOW that."

"I know," he whispered. He looked up at her. "You've
always belonged to him, Buffy. Even when you didn't know
it, I did."

"It's scary," she told him honestly, her tears pouring freely
now.

"Sometimes the scariest things are the best things for us."

"The road less traveled and all that crap? I've always been

fond of the road with all the people on it."
Wesley moved closer and cupped her cheek in his
hand. "No. That's not you. You think it is because the idea
makes you feel safer, but it's not you Buffy. You're stronger
than you give yourself credit for. You have changed so much in the past few months. There isn't so much anger in you, there isn't all this pain just bubbling beneath the surface. You
were like this wounded bird when I met you. You didn't know where to go or what to do with yourself."

"And you nursed me back to health."

"No, I didn't. Not all of it. I just helped you discover what you
wanted to be. Spike healed you, and with him, you found
peace within yourself. Now you're soaring."

Buffy flung her arms around Wesley and sobbed against
him. He stroked her hair and she could feel his tears fall on her hair and dampen her shoulder.

"I'll go to Willow's," she told him when they had cried their
hearts out.

"You don't have to, Buffy. You can stay here."

"No. It's not right. This house is more you than me. This birds
got to find a cage of her own."

"Spike's?"

She shook her head. "No. Mine. My own place. I went from
my parent's home, to living with Willow, to living with you. I
want something of my own. Stand on my own two feet for a
while and see how it goes."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I will. Eventually."

"You've been missing him."

"I have, but it doesn't seem right to bounce like that does it?"

"That's my Buffy. Always doing what she feels is right,"
Wesley smiled sadly. "Except you're not my Buffy now
anymore, are you?"

"I never knew what it meant to say you belonged to the
world. I guess I know now. It feels kind of scary, but nice all
the same. Like I have this blank plan in front of me and I can
start filling it in as I go. I'm not as afraid of that as I used to be."

"I love you."

"I know," she told him tearfully. "You're not alone Wesley. I
think I know someone that wants to be yours. And, I think you
want to be theirs. So, now we're both free birds."

Wesley wiped at his eyes and walked away. "I'm going for a
walk. Do you think--?"

"I'll be gone before you come back, Wesley."

Giving her one last sweet kiss, Wesley released her and
walked out the door without a word.



Spike was staring into nothingness as he drank his beer and
only half listened to Xander prattle on about Anya something or other.

"Did you hear about Buffy?"

Spike's head snapped to Xander, her name having caught
his attention. "What about her? Is she all right?"

Xander raised an eyebrow. "That certainly got your
attention."

Spike glared at him.

"She's fine. She moved out of Wesley's last week."

Spike shot up from his chair. "What?" He nearly
shouted. "She moved out and I'm just finding out NOW? Why
the bloody hell didn't she tell me? Why didn't ANYONE fucking
tell me until a week after the fact?"

Xander stared at him. "Are you done now?"

Spike ran a hand through his hair. "Did he kick her out after
all that?"

"No. She left of her own free will."

"Why?"

"Are you being serious right now?"

"Because of me," Spike muttered. "Did it all go to hell
because of me? Did I ruin her relationship?"

"No, Spike. You didn't. Buffy's actually been pretty vague
about what happened. I think it's something you need to talk
to Buffy about."

"How can I? She obviously doesn't want to talk to me right
now. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have called or
come over or. . . or something." He sat down heavily, resting
his head in his hands.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?" Spike looked up at him.

"Don't do that thing where you want to talk to her, but you
don't because you don't think she wants to talk to you. Then
she'll think you don't want to talk to her because you didn't
come and see her after you found out and then it'll continue
on like that for months which will be blend into years. Do you
really want to do that? Do you really want to spend all this
time wondering what happened and how it will affect you or
do you want to go see her and find out for yourself and then
possibly see what place in her life you have now?"

Spike stared at him, stunned. "How did you become the
voice of reason?"

"Time, patience and lots of chick flicks."

Spike burst out in nervous laughter. "She staying with
Willow?"

"For the time being. Seems our little Buffy has been quite the
busy bee since she left Wesley. She's been apartment
hunting for a place of her own."

"Oh?"

"Yep. She's growing up, our Buffy," Xander grinned.

"Could you stop calling her ‘our' Buffy? She's not ‘our' Buffy,
she's. . . she's. . . "

"Your Buffy?" Xander asked with eyebrows raised.

"Guess I won't find out until I talk to her, will I?"



TBC.........please review.





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