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Hey guys, sorry it took so long for the chapter. Holidays were hectic, plus this story is demanding on my brain lol. It can be emotionally draining to write this at times, and I'm determined to give you the very best I can.

With that said, please review!!!! :) :)

Chapter Eight

It'd been a few weeks since Spike and Buffy had cried in each others arms and took their first real step toward healing. It had been a breakthrough for them, there was no doubt about that. Both felt as if a weight had been lifted. It wasn't enough to stop what they still carried, but it certainly cleared the way for them to be more open to discussing what had happened and allowed honesty to rush forth without the fear of recriminations.

"So, you've been quite the mover and shaker, huh?" Buffy asked Spike one day as they strolled through the park. It had
become somewhat of a ritual for them to meet at least twice
a week, weather and schedule permitting, in the park for a
chat. It had also become customary for Spike to catch ‘Pangs'
at the club they performed at and to have a pint or two with
Wesley. Spike had even joined them for dinner once or twice.
Now that he'd gotten to know Wesley better, he could see
where he had been completely off the mark in his
assumptions about the man. While there was still an upper
crust reserve to him, Wesley would no doubt give someone
the shirt off his back should he deem them a good friend.
When Wesley had found the pair crying together in the club,
he'd been sympathetic and understanding, not once flying off
the handle or questioning their relationship.

Spike now glanced over at Buffy, a boyish smirk playing on
his features as he tossed her a good natured shrug. He was
downplaying his vagabond status as much as he could.

"How is it you can move so much without worrying about
work? Don't you ever worry that the one town you decide to
stay in for a while won't have work for you?" Buffy asked,
the responsible side of her kicking in. Spike reveled in it. Her
concern over him filled him with a warmth that he was finding
he was becoming addicted to. Once upon a time he'd taken
care of her, and now she was taking care of him. He couldn't
remember the last time anyone had done that.

"If they don't, I move again. Or I find some mediocre job to
tied me over for a while before I move on again."

"I admire your adventurous spirit, but I would want the
feeling of home. I'd miss coming home to a place that was all
mine, and knowing that I had people there for me."

He stopped walking and turned toward her. "The only place I
ever felt at home was in Sunnydale with you Buffy. I knew I
could never get that back the way it was, so I guess I've
been looking for that same kind of feeling again. I keep going
because. . . well, I've never found that sense of home that I
had."

She nodded slowly. "I can understand that. Though I spent
all my time there trying to get out. I'm not the vagabond sort
and once I made the decision to move here with Willow and
Xander, I guess everything else just fell into place. It was just
far enough away from. . . that place."

"That place," he chuckled lightly. "You make it sound like a
torture chamber or something."

"It was," she wrinkled her nose. "When I got released from
the hospital I was sent to a private school and I was heavily
monitered not only by my parents, but by the people at the
school. My parents had taken it upon themselves to tell my
teachers all the sordid details. I was watched like a hawk. No
boys for Buffy."


"Xander passed because you'd known him since he was
one."

"Right. Anyway, ever day was an interrogation. Did I meet
anyone? Was I keeping up with my studies? On the
weekends if I wanted to go anywhere with Willow and
Xander, it was a fight. If I wanted to go anywhere you were
held over my head like some kind of black cloud following me
around, keeping me in check, making sure I didn't slip."


Spike watched as she silently brushed away some tears at
the memory. He knew that she needed to tell him what had
happened and so he let her continue without interruption.

"Of course it was hard when you were brought up because
then it was like I was reliving it all over again. And I felt empty
inside, like a piece of me was missing and I knew it was
because a piece of me WAS missing. Now, you're talking to a
girl who'd always wanted kids. I'd always imagined the
house, the husband, the kids, the cat and the dog. And when
I was pregnant and we had all those plans, I thought my
dreams were coming true. It didn't dawn on me then how
young I was to be having a child. I just wanted it. I wanted you. Knowing that I had this life inside of me that we created
and that one day we'd be counting ten toes and ten fingers
and playing patty cake and that we'd have a baby, a HUMAN that was OURS. . . it was hard to think of our baby being gone like that. That I would never know what it looked like,
what the sex was, if it had your eyes and my hair or vice
versa. . ."

She looked up to see Spike had tears streaming down his face now as well. She let out a little whimper and flew into his arms. "Do you ever think there will be a time when we
won't end each session with us bawling our eyes out?"

Spike buried his face in her hair and let out a heavy sigh. "I
don't know, pet. The picture you painted. . . I-I wondered the
same things. I wanted the same things. I don't know what
was worse, having it be brought up all the time like you, or
having it be swept under the rug and ignored like me.

Not being able to talk about it, not being able to acknowledge
that it ever even happened and basically not being allowed to
grieve and have a support system, it made the whole thing
seem almost like a dream." He pulled back and pushed back
some of her hair. "You felt like a dream to me, like we never
happened and I so absolutely knew that we had. It felt like the
most perfect love was nothing but a figment of my
imagination and it hurt my heart to know that something that
perfect was just kept out of my reach. Over time I thought
maybe it was better to think you were a dream and that it had
never happened. My heart knew though and it never let me
forget because every time I thought about you, it ached so
much I thought it would break my chest."

Buffy nodded, "that's why I felt so broken for so long." She
stepped away from him. "Hell, who am I kidding? I still do."

"Buffy. . . "Spike began, trepidation in his voice.

"Yes?"

"I know you're with Wesley and I respect that and you don't
have to answer me this—"

"What is it?" Buffy asked, caution in her tone.

"Did you ever fully stop loving me? After all this time, after
everything. . . did we ever truly end for you?" His face was a
mask of fear and longing.

She stared at him, silent, for a long time. Finally she
answered. "The thought of you never died. It's easy to
romanticize something that you don't have access to
anymore. People who break up under normal circumstances
do it. It's easy to remember the good times and forget that the
bad times were ever there. Unfortunately for us, the bad
times were something that just couldn't be tossed aside and
forgotten.

At times I imagined what it would be like if we found each
other again. If we were given a second chance."

"And?"

"And here we are. We're different people now Spike. We're
given a second chance to mend the past, not to get back
together. I've grown up since that starry eyed teenage girl
you used to know."

Spike reached out and gently caressed the side of her face,
smiling tenderly at her. "Sometimes I still see her. A grown up
version of her."

Buffy smiled and looked away. "It's getting late. Wesley and I
have a date tonight."

Spike nodded. "Same time next week?"

"Sure."

"Buffy, you know that I wasn't trying to—"

"I know, Spike. It's human to wonder these things."

"I really do like Wesley and I meant what I said, I respect your
relationship."

"I know. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

"Bye." Spike watched her go and clutched his heart as she
faded out of sight. He sat down, suddenly feeling winded.
The feeling of loving someone had been such a foreign
concept to him for such a long time, he had a hard time
recognizing the feeling until it burrowed right inside him.


TBC....





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