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A lot of things go through your mind when you are dying. You’d think that having died twice already, I wouldn’t have a lot left to think about. However, since I just returned from Heaven less than a year ago, a hell of a lot has happened. Not to mention, the last time I died I couldn’t think about anything other than the pain that was tearing through my body. Now, the first time I died was a lot different. I had pretty much already resigned myself to my inevitable death at the hands of the Master and said my goodbyes in my own way. Still, there were a lot of thinky thoughts as the Anointed One led me to the Master’s lair. But that was over 5 years ago, and a lot of things have changed since then including me.

So here I am, laying here with a bullet hole in my chest, my blood slowly seeping into my yard as Xander tries to slow it down by holding pressure on it, and me thinking about everything that’s happened since I came back while wondering if this is the way it will all finally end for me. Am I ready for it to be over, again?

I was ready last year. I was so tired. Tired of everything. I knew it was my time. I just… knew. And I knew my friends and family would be safe. Now, of course, I realize that I didn’t… don’t… know a lot of things. Sure, I’ve been a mess since being resurrected, but I think I was finally beginning to work things out, just like my friends were doing. Willow and Tara seem to have worked things out, which is good because I think they are really good for each other. Tara really had been the one sort of keeping our group together. No matter how bleak things are going, she somehow finds a way to keep us all going and connected together. I hope they stay together now. Even Xander and I were working things out, and I think he finally understood the thing between me and Spike. Which was funny because I don’t think even I really understand the thing between me and Spike.

Except, now I don’t really have a chance to resolve whatever that was because Spike’s gone. In his place is this person I’ve never met, and yet he still feels intimately familiar. I could blame that on the fact that he looks exactly like Spike, but it’s more than that. It’s sort of like he’s been here all along, but not. I don’t know how else to describe it really. I’m dying, so my brain probably isn’t functioning at top condition right now. William is different on so many levels and yet I keep seeing little bits of Spike every time I look at him. Huh… that’s an interesting thought. Am I… looking at William and hoping to see Spike? I don’t think I am. I’m trying to see William and accept him for who he is. After all, it’s my fault he’s suddenly in 2002 and missing his mother, rather than dead back in 1880. I wonder what happened to Spike’s mom? He’s never mentioned her at all, which seems weird considering how worried William seems to be about her. Did he kill her? Angel killed his family and Drusilla’s family. Did he teach Spike to do the same, or did he do it? I wonder if he had any brothers or sisters? Does he have relatives alive today? He said something about a cousin, and he’s apparently some sort of aristocrat or something, so maybe?

There he is now, holding pressure on my chest while Xander calls 911. Xander tried to get him to call 911 but gave up trying to explain how to use a cell phone. He’s very politely asking me to please not die. Spike would be saying every weird British cuss word he knew and telling me I better not die, or he’ll bring me back just to kill me himself. Then again, Spike wouldn’t be here right now because I’m in the yard on a sunny day. He’d turn to dust before he got 10 feet from the door. Though, now that I think about it, I don’t think that would stop him from trying. He’d figure out a way, grab a blanket or something. Then he’d probably leave Xander here while he chased down Warren and ate him. No, Spike wouldn’t eat him, he’d just kill him.

Xander’s saying the ambulance is on its way. He’s telling me to hold on. He’s telling William to push harder. I think he doesn’t want to hurt me. Or maybe he’s afraid of me. He seems a little skittish around me. Spike wouldn’t care if it hurt, as long as it stopped the bleeding. William’s gone silent now, and they are both pushing on my chest, with Xander pushing down on William’s hands. They used to be Spike’s hands. I wish I could make him understand I didn’t mean to hurt him. I wish I could tell Spike I didn’t mean to kill him.

Why am I even thinking about that? It’s done. He’s gone. Spike is gone. Shouldn’t I be happy about that? Shouldn’t I be celebrating that I finally managed to kill the Slayer of Slayers? Giles would be proud of me if I did, wouldn’t he? Who am I kidding? He may be Spike, but was he really still that person? He was still dangerous, that’s for sure. He’d proved that just a few hours ago. I’d had to stop him, forcefully, because he just wasn’t getting the message. Why am I even thinking about him right now? He’s gone. He’s not dangerous to anyone anymore. Not ever again. I’ve taken care of that whether I intended to or not.

Now, instead, there is William. Xander said the ambulance is here and he’d go get them and be right back. William is talking again. He says he’s not mad at me anymore. He says he understands. He deserved to die. He’s a monster. Oh, William, I’m so sorry. You aren’t a monster. I want to tell him that he understands nothing, but I can’t make words form. He says he doesn’t know what he did to make me wish him dead, but he’s sure he deserved it. He wants to make it right, though. He says there are a lot of things he needs to make right. I need to tell him that he isn’t Spike, he isn’t responsible for the things Spike did. I need to show him that he’s different, that Spike isn’t him. How can I? Where do I even start? I need to try somehow. Why can’t I make words come out? He says I have to live so he can atone for whatever deeds he’s committed against me. He can’t do that if I die.

I’m not sure I have a choice this time. I had a choice the last two times. I didn’t have to face the Master. I didn’t have to jump. But I really did have to in both cases. I understood that. This time, I didn’t get a choice. I feel myself slipping away now. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer. I can sort of hear Xander talking to the paramedics but can’t make out the words. Where did William go? The paramedics have stuck needles in me, but I don’t really feel them. All I can feel is darkness covering me like a blanket as jarring motions barely register. There’s another bang, and someone says something. I don’t know who or what or where. Sirens seem distant. I’m not getting a choice this time. And suddenly… I really want one. I need one. So many things I want to say to everyone. So many things I want to do. So many things I need, really need, to do. And yet, I feel it now. The one time I really do want a real choice to live or die… I don’t get to choose. I hope they can forgive… I hope he can... forgive... I really want to stay… This time… I really… do.





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