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[A/N: I always thought that neither Giles nor Tara went far enough with trying to get their points across to Willow – but I also think they missed part of the point also. You know, the point that Willow’s problems had nothing to do with magic and everything to do with power and control. On that note, things might get a bit rocky here and there for the redheaded one. The title is the title of one of my favorite poems, by William Blake. The quotes are as attributed and the disclaimers are in full force and effect.]

Previously: Wesley’s gone back to Los Angeles leaving behind the texts for Giles. Dawn’s borrowed four books without any else’s knowledge and Spike allowed Buffy to convince him that no one should know about her being in heaven. But is she right?

42. The Poison Tree

If you betray me, can I take a better revenge than to love
the person you hate?
Pierre Corneille, Titus and Berenice, act 4, sc. 3

Love is whatever you can still betray . . .
Betrayal can only happen if you love.
John le Carre, A Perfect Spy

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak;
sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go.
Anonymous



They’d been patrolling for about two hours when they came across the first signs of the hounds. True to form, Spike scented the blood long before Buffy did, but she was the one to find the body.

Searching around for other signs, Spike found the second one. “Got another here, pet.”

“You thinking dogs?” Buffy looked around from her crouched position by the first body.

“Unless we got somethin’ else to worry about.” Spike rolled the corpse over with his foot. “It’s all birds. Haven’t found any blokes . . .”

Buffy turned to look up at him. “What . . . no guys. Spike?”

“All young chits – all recently had sex. . . guess most of these birds are from the college.” He stared off, looking past the grave markers and out into nothing.

“You have thinking face . . . spill it.” Dusting off her hands, Buffy stood up, wandering over to the second body.

“Somethin’ the Huntsman said . . . sounded like it might’ve been about payment.” Running a hand through his hair, Spike avoided looking at her for a moment. “Dunno pet, jus’ thinkin’ out loud.”

“Ahuh. Sounds like more than that.” Crossing her arms, Buffy waited, knowing Spike would start talking in . . .

“Jus’, some of what Oxford translated could be taken another way. More like ‘we seek payment for that which was taken from heaven’ which is you . . . you’re the only one I know’s been in heaven of late.”

He still wouldn’t look at her. He knew she really didn’t want to talk about this, at least not with anyone else. He knew she trusted him to keep her secrets, which warmed him to the bone. But he also knew she wasn’t about to budge unless there was overwhelming evidence to contradict her decision. The trick was getting her to admit it.

This was only her second night patrolling since she’d been back and the strain was showing. Her reactions were just a second off, but he didn’t think anyone but himself would pick up on it. She’d been training, but her workouts were half-hearted, except for the last one when they’d sparred for a bit.

A theory was beginning to take form in his head, one he was loathe to give voice too. But if he did, she might be . . . willing to change her mind. Changing his mind Spike faced her. “All right, kitten, here’s what I’m thinking. Red brought you back from heaven.”

Pacing now, Spike was gesturing. “Right, same time you come through from heaven, the hounds of hell are released. ‘M thinkin’, they aren’t here to get you, but to take payment in exchange for lettin’ you go.”

He stopped short, turning to watch her. She had that look on her face, the one he almost hated – the ‘I’m the Slayer, I know better than you’ look. Spike faced her dead on, not backing down from her, not taking his words back.

And watched while the wheels in her head turned. He knew, half a second after she did, when she’d realized his theory might actually have some validity. Her facial muscles were working like her brain was trying to say something her mouth nearly refused to say.

Well, he wasn’t going to make it easier on her. If his words made her change her mind then she had to say it out loud. There was no one saying the girls had to be told, at least not right now, but he still was of the opinion that Rupert should know. For once, though, he kept his mouth shut.

Buffy started to say something and then he didn’t hear anything because his ears were ringing. Turning around, Spike lost his balance and fell. Six Cythreuliaids. Fucking hell. Wobbling a bit, Spike cleared his head then joined the fray.


******************************** ****************************************

She didn’t want to be here. Feeling decidedly out of place and very uncomfortable, Tara reverted back to her old patterns. Ducking her head, fidgeting quietly, these were all obvious signs to anyone who cared enough to notice. But no one was noticing.

No, instead, she was the one doing the noticing. Noticing how much she didn’t fit in, how very uncomfortable this was, how self-absorbed her girlfriend was, how . . . mean Xander really was to Anya.

That surprised her. And not in a good way. Since they’d gotten to the restaurant, the conversation had flowed around her, and she was content to not contribute in her state. Willow kept going on about herself, while every time Anya tried to talk, Xander practically shushed her.

And he was not very nice about it. Tara thought that Anya sometimes said things inappropriately only because she’d forgotten some things about being human. It was confusion, which should be helped, not ridiculed like Xander usually did.

So yeah, she didn’t want to be here. In fact, she’d rather be home doing something else, like laundry or cleaning the bathroom or . . . . anything.

The restaurant was packed, and they’d had to wait for a table, but the wait was becoming a problem, because the last thing she wanted was to sit around and talk – or rather listen to Xander and Willow talk at each other. The evening hadn’t started out with much promise and it had gone steadily downhill the longer they sat and waited. Scanning around at the crowd, Tara thought of ways she could get out of continuing this whole evening. Too bad Buffy and Spike had gone patrolling, otherwise she’d call the cell phone and have them come get her. She was so uncomfortable that faking a stomachache might not pose a problem much longer.

Anya’s voice brought her back to the table, but it was Xander’s return comment that just bugged her, and she very nearly said something about it, but her natural shyness kept her silent. Catching poor Anya’s eye, she tried to show her some support by smiling at her, but the tears pooling in the ex-demon’s eyes told the real story.

Tara’s fists clenched in her lap, echoing the tightening in her belly. Tingles began racing through her muscles and her vision kept wavering. Alternating patterns of white energy flashed before her eyes, superimposed over the figures sitting with her, like a negative image of everything. The waitress passed by their table, holding up her hand in a ‘one minute’ gesture that somehow irked the redhead beside her.

Muttering under her breath, Willow said “I’ll give you wait a minute.”

And then, everything went still. The noise stopped and the air grew thick. Tara could feel the magic pressing against her skin, knew Anya could feel it also by the stiffening of her shoulders, and the wide eyed look she threw at Willow. Slowly Tara turned to look at her girlfriend, fighting against the weighty air. Willow’s eyes flashed dark and her cute little bow mouth got that set look to it. “Come.”

And the waitress, who had just given them the brush off, moved slowly in their direction.

Abruptly, time snapped back into sync and the waitress was standing there, pad in hand, waiting to take their order. Tara couldn’t keep her mouth shut any longer “Willow, what did you do?”

“Just got her attention that’s all. Its no biggie.” Willow shrugged off Tara’s concerns. “We’ve been waiting for a while.”

“So? Its not a big deal to wait for our turn.” Tara felt the twitches and twinges building in her belly. This was not good. “We could have waited a little bit longer.”

“I’m hungry and we’ve been waiting long enough.” Willow turned a bright smile to the waitress, giving her order. Anya watched the emotions flickering across Tara’s face and felt the tension building. Smiling brightly and batting her eyes, Anya tried to say something but Xander cut her off, speaking over her to the waitress.

The back of her neck got hot, her arms were tensing from the strain of keeping her hands below the table and her jaw was beginning to hurt. Anya swung a hurt look at Xander, who kind of apologized by smiling at her and taking her hand.

“Willow, that wasn’t right.” Tara barely got the words out through her tight jaw.

“Its your turn baby, give the girl your order.” Completely ignoring Tara’s previous statement, Willow turned a bright smile to her girlfriend and waved a hand. Again the air went still, pressing heavily on her skin.

“Willow. Stop it now.” She ground out the words, her temper barely in check.

Waving her hand again, Willow smiled and released the waitress, saying “I’m not doing anything bad, just getting our dinner ordered.”

“No you’re not. This is wrong Willow, what you’re doing right now. Stop it.” Puling away from Willow, Tara shook her head. “This is wrong and you know it.”

“How is it wrong? I’m just getting our order in now. Not a big deal. Why are you getting so upset about this?” Willow turned to face her girlfriend, confusion etched on her features. “I’m not doing any thing wrong.”

“Not doing? Gods Willow, have you been paying attention? What is with you? This is so . . . . why waste energy this way? Magic isn’t something you should be using to get ridiculous things like your dinner order in first.” Tara found herself growing more agitated by the moment. And Willow’s innocent demeanor wasn’t helping matters.

“Tara? Baby, why is this bothering you?” Willow was genuinely confused. This wasn’t such a big deal, why was Tara making an issue of it?

“Why is this bothering me? Have you been . . . Willow, you use magic for the silliest reasons. Making breakfast, getting someone’s attention. What purpose does all that serve? You can do all that without using magic.” Tara was getting agitated, her voice starting to rise and people were beginning to look at them.

Willow narrowed her eyes. “I’m not using too much magic. So what I fixed breakfast. It’s not a crime to use the talents the Goddess has given me.”

“It is when you misuse them and abuse them. This isn’t about the end results Willow, this is about the means you are using to get there.” Tara pushed away from the table, her agitation growing. “Don’t you see what you’re doing?”

“I’m not doing anything. This isn’t such a big thing.” Willow had also pushed back from the table, while Anya took the opportunity to get up. “I’m just going to powder my nose. You continue.”

Xander looked from one girl to the other, uncertain what was happening. “Ah Wills? Maybe this should wait until later?”

Shooting him a glance, Willow shrugged. “I’m not sure what’s going on at all.”

“Oh please, Willow, stop acting like you don’t understand. What you’ve been doing is wrong. What you did to me and Dawn – Willow this has to stop. You have to stop using magic foolishly – just because you can. It’s wrong Willow and you have to stop.”

“I’m not using it to hurt anyone.”

“What about me and Dawnie? You hurt both of us.” Tara was on her feet now, her hands clenched beside her, her face pale with anger.

“What . . . how did I hurt you? I just used a little bit of your blood. Hardly cut you at all.” Willow was perched on the edge of her chair, earnestly trying to plead her case.

Shaking her head in denial, Willow said, “no. I was careful, I knew exactly how much to use and I didn’t give you too much.”

Staring at the redhead, Tara felt the rage reaching a breaking point. “How did you know? You checked? Somehow I don’t think you were all that thorough in your research. Did you even know that Lethe’s Bramble is deadly?”

“It is you know. Very deadly.” Anya’s voice sounded from the opposite side of the table, apparently she hadn’t been able to leave. “It should only be used outside the body, unless you’re trying to kill the other person.”

Willow was shaking her head. “No. I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t dangerous at all.”

“No Willow you’re wrong. It was dangerous. Can’t you see what you’re doing?” Angry tears sprang to Tara’s eyes. “How could you have done this? What were you thinking?”

And still Willow was shaking her head, but now Tara was just . . . “I can’t do this. I can’t . . . I don’t trust you Willow. I can’t be with you. You don’t even see what you’ve done.”

“Tara? Baby you . . . please don’t go.” Willow’s composure broke and tears fell. “Tara? Tara?”

But Tara was gone and Willow was just pleading with thin air.


********************************* ***************************************

It had taken some pleading and some coaxing, but Dawn had managed to get Buffy to agree to leaving her home alone. Surprisingly, she’d had an ally in Spike. He’d backed her up, pointing out that Dawn was 16 now and should be more than okay on her own. She’d been tempted to kiss him, but just settled for an enthusiastic hug.

So now here she was, snacks at the ready, soda chilled and priceless books strewn about haphazardly on her bed. What could be better? Brad Pitt or Jude Law or . . . . hey, her sister’s boyfriend . . . Dawn giggled. She was so over that crush – and how much creepier would that have been . . . crushing on your own father. Shuddering, Dawn stopped that train o’thoughts before it got any further. Not like she knew for sure anyway. Was probably just really hard wishful thinking on her part. Hey, the monks could just have easily used part of her mom and, thinking for a bit, Giles. Okay, that mental image was even ookier than lusting after Spike. Or they could have used Buffy and Angel. Eeewww . . . . nope, didn’t want to go there either. Just as long as the monks didn’t use Buffy and Xander, she’d be all happy. Coz, Xander, he just wasn’t one of her favorite people right now. Stretching out on her belly with her feet in the air, she flipped open the first journal.

An hour later she was no closer to finding out anything other than monks were pretty boring guys and that popcorn and marshmallows and soda just made you really burpy, when she spotted the first intriguing entry.

Checking the date of the entry, Dawn re-read it.

It was a description of a dark warrior, as the monk called it, and except for the hair color and clothing, Dawn thought the description sounded a bit like Spike. Reading faster, she sat up, grabbing the post-it notes she was using to mark interesting things.

And was rewarded not thirty seconds later when the writer mentioned the dark warrior was a vampire.

******************************** ****************************************

Once outside the restaurant, Tara realized a couple of things. First, she was really far away from Buffy’s house, secondly she wasn’t really wearing the best shoes for a long walk and lastly, but probably most importantly, she felt a whole lot better.

Okay, so, her palms were sweaty and her knees were kind of wobbly, but on the whole, she felt better. Like a weight had been lifted.

Deciding she really didn’t want to wait around to see if anyone was going to follow her out of the restaurant, Tara walked quickly down the street. There was a cemetery not too far, and she could swing by . . . and that was a crazy thought, but still, if they were around, she’d feel safer with them. She could always ask the mother for a cloaking spell until she found them.

Tara sped up, hearing the door of the restaurant open behind her. She suddenly wanted to put a whole lot of distance between her and Willow.


******************************** ***************************************

His head was swimming. One of those lousy buggers had gotten in a heavy blow to his head before the fight had even begun and Spike was still reeling. Of all demons he’d ever come across, he hated the ones they were fighting now. Carrion eaters, they were like hyenas . . . eating the leftovers from other predators. Like hyenas, they traveled in packs, deferring to the alpha. Unlike hyenas, these wankers walked upright. Which was okay with him, since his last encounter with four legged beasties hadn’t ended so well.. At least right away. The afters had been just lovely.

One of them got a swipe in across his chest and Spike stopped his happy thoughts, focusing on the matter at hand. Snapping the neck of one, Spike stole a glance at Buffy. She was holding her own, but flagging. He knew it just by the slump to her shoulders.

“Got my three. How’re you doin’ Slayer?” He figured the banter would get her blood pumping, not to mention his taking out more than her.

“Just dandy.” Grunting from the force of a blow to her solar plexus, Buffy faltered visibly.

Spike was at her side in a blur of vampire speed, the demon’s heart clenched in his fist. “Right here kitten. Let’s get this last bugger and head home.”

Gasping for air, she wheezed out “good idea. Let’s do just that.”





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