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[A/N: The chapter title comes from a line in the song “Nutshell” by Alice in Chains (listen to the unplugged version), probably one of the best bands to emerge in the early 1990's – the pain and the angst coupled with real good rock and roll make for good music. Layne Staley, the lead singer, accidently committed suicide little over 2 years ago, and his demise was predicted many many times – because of his heroin addiction, but the media made much of it (well the music industry media did anyway). Vocally, he was truly gifted and could sing like a lark. May you rest in peace, peace you never found on this plane. Quotes as attributed, disclaimers still in effect. I own nothing.]

Previously: Tara’s broken up with Willow and Buffy offered Spike’s basement bedroom to her. Wesley has returned to Los Angeles to discover the improbable fact of Darla’s pregnancy. However, he’s kept the secret of Buffy’s return from Angel.

Chapter 44. Privacy is raked

Was ever book containing such vile matter
so fairly bound? O that deceit should dwell
in such a gorgeous palace!
Romeo and Juliet, act 3, sc. 2

We chase misprinted lies
we chase the path of time
and yet I fight, and yet I fight
this battle all alone
no one to cry to
no place to call home

My gift of self is raped
my privacy is raked
and yet I find, yet I find
repeating in my head
if I can’t be my own
I’d feel better dead
Alice in Chains, Nutshell from the albums Jar of Flies and Unplugged


She snuggled closer into his embrace, feeling safe. The tears had finally stopped and Buffy felt much better. In spite of the fact she hated crying, hated showing any kind of emotions, crying had helped.

Wiping away the last of her tears, Buffy looked up to the face of the man holding her. He just . . . she didn’t know how he did it, but he always managed to be whatever she needed at any given moment. Her hand reached out to touch him and his eyes rested on hers.

“All right then kitten?”

Her hand rested on his throat, feeling the vibrations of his voice. Closing her eyes, Buffy nodded once, nestling in even closer. They were laying on the bed, still fully clothed, just holding each other. One of his hands slipped under her shirt, his thumb running up and down her back soothingly.

They heard the front door slam, then light footsteps up the stairs. The door to Willow’s room opened, then nothing. More footsteps, then a knock on their door.

“Buffy?” Willow’s voice sounded through the door. “Buffy you awake?”

Taking pity on the girl, Buffy called out, “yeah I am.”

“Can I talk to you a minute?” She almost sounded like her old self, like she did in highschool, scared and unsure, but Buffy really wasn’t fooled. Nor did she want to get up. She almost did, then decided she didn’t want to.

“Come on in.”

Spike raised a brow and started to sit up as Willow opened the door.

“Oh.”

The look on the witch’s face was worth whatever price he was going to have to pay for it.

“Sorry. Didn’t realize . . . um. . . “ and she was clearly flustered. “I’ll go.”

“Willow, what’s up?” Buffy asked, knowing full well what brought the other girl in and what had her flabbergasted. Sitting up, Buffy pulled off her socks, completely at ease.

“I was . . . well,” and she stood wringing her hands, trying not to watch Spike as he pulled off his boots, “I was wondering if you’d seen Tara tonight.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to snipe at her ‘lost your girlfriend have you’ but Buffy’s evil look kept him silent. They hadn’t talked about this, but Buffy had a feeling Tara didn’t want Willow to know where she was. So she lied.

“No. I thought she was with you.”

“We had a fight.” Willow’s shoulders slumped.

Spike hid his face by ducking down to move his boots, determined to follow Buffy’s lead. Better she handle this anyway, because he’d just as soon lace into Willow for everything and once he started, he knew there’d be no going back for him.

“She probably just needs some time. I’m sure she’s safe.” Buffy got up from the bed, moving toward her dresser. Taking off her necklace, she continued, “she’ll probably be home in the morning.”

Unfortunately there was nothing Willow could say. “Kay, I’ll just head to my room. You’re right, I’m sure she’s fine.”

Sounding suspiciously perky Buffy said “yup, she’ll be back safe and sound first thing in the morning. She’s probably just tucked away in a borrowed bed. “

“Yeah” stealing one more glance at Spike, Willow said “g’night then.”

And she was out the door, no further word from her.

Buffy started to speak, but Spike held up a hand, motioning her to quiet. Raising an eyebrow, Buffy started again but Spike motioned to the door, mimicking someone listening. Her eyes grew wide and Buffy crossed the room to where he was sitting. Breathing into his ear in a very soft whisper, she said “I couldn’t tell her.”

Spike kissed her shoulder, responding, “I know love, shouldn’t worry. Glinda needs rest right now, not another fight with Red.”

Lowering herself onto his lap, Buffy hugged him. “Can we go to sleep now?”

“Sure you want to sleep?” His leer was almost irresistible.

She laughed softly “can I think about it?” Which only got louder at his affronted look.

“Oi. I’ll let you think, after.”


********************************* ***************************************

Giles hung up after his conversation with Wesley both relieved and concerned. The good news was Wesley had stolen every book obtained by Wolfram & Hart, just not transported them all. The bad news, however, was far more disturbing.

All was not right in the city of Angels, nor with the vampire of the same name. Giles had only heard of one other instance when a vampire had managed to impregnate a woman. The woman had been a hybrid – one quarter demon – which no doubt facilitated things but . . . this was. . . He was going to have to mention this to Buffy and Spike and he really didn’t look forward to that at all.

He couldn’t begin to imagine Buffy’s response to this. Perhaps he’d tell Spike first and then together they could tell Buffy.

Wesley was proving to be an unexpected ally. He’d been concerned that his fellow former watcher would blurt out the way of things in Sunnydale, but he’d kept his silence, kept their secrets.

Not that he felt it mattered one way or another. Angel was just another obstacle they had to face. Sooner or later, the older vampire would find out, and come flying back to Sunnydale and pronounce his extreme displeasure. Pompous ass. Giles was inclined to agree with Spike’s opinion of the souled vampire.

Initially, Giles had trusted him, but in the aftermath of losing his soul and Angelus’ subsequent actions, Giles had never been able to trust him at all. Had been more than happy to see him go.

And now, if forced to chose between the two vampires, there was no doubt in Giles’ mind which one he’d choose, with or without his chip, Giles trusted Spike far more than he ever would trust Angel.

But all that aside . . . . Giles stopped pouring the water he was about to drink. Everything clicked into place. The Cwn Annwn had been released to exact payment for Buffy’s return from whatever dimension she’d been trapped within. How could he have been so dense?

Sitting down hard in his chair, Giles closed his eyes. He wasn’t stupid, just . . . he’d been temporarily blinded by his joy at Buffy’s return that he’d completely overlooked the obvious. Glancing at his watch, he realized it was just a bit too late to call the house. Everyone but Spike was probably asleep and while he enjoyed talking to him, he wasn’t the one Giles wanted to speak with. And Giles wanted to see her face when he talked to her about this.

Willow’s mistakes just kept growing exponentially by the day.


******************************** *****************************************

Standing outside Buffy’s bedroom door, Willow strained to hear their conversation. Something about that whole short exchange with Buffy bothered her. If she didn’t know better she’d swear that Buffy had been lying. Or maybe it was just really seeing for the first time how much Spike had moved in.

Obviously he was very comfortable in Buffy’s room something she hadn’t known until just now. And just as obviously Spike was preparing to sleep in there and not in his room in the basement.

Willow got the distinct feeling that they were talking about her even though she couldn’t hear anything. It bugged her. Everything about the whole. . . She was supposed to be Buffy’s best friend, the one she went to for support, the shoulder to cry on and the listening ear. So how come she didn’t know about Spike’s new sleeping arrangements until now?

This was . . . wrong. She didn’t like this one bit. Wrong wrong wrong. Pursing her lips and furrowing her brow Willow concentrated and suddenly she could hear and see everything going on behind the closed door in front of her.

Buffy was straddling Spike’s lap, her mouth by his ear, laughing softly. She whispered “can I think about it?” Then laughed a bit louder when Spike gave her a look.

His hand snuck under her shirt, pressing her down and his leer was evident in his tone as he said “oi, I’ll let you think after.”

Willow mentally grimaced but didn’t leave the room. They couldn’t see or sense her so she opted to stick around to see what happened to see if they talked about her.

Spike’s low voice caught her attention. “Feelin’ any better, pet?”

Both his hands were under her shirt now preparing to lift it off. His fingers moved, releasing her bra and when her answer wafted between them, Spike removed both items at once.

Nice move, Willow thought, wondering if she could perfect it.

Leaning her back away from him Spike licked a path upwards from her belly button to the valley between Buffy’s pert breasts. Slowly his tongue worked its way from one hardened nipple to the other as Buffy held onto his arms tightly. Neither one of them spoke but harsh gasping breaths filled the room.

Willow watched, a silent invisible voyeur, as Spike continued his gentle assault on Buffy’s sensitive nipples. Buffy’s whimpers filled the air as he caught the tip between his teeth and he tugged back. He did it again repeating the action on her other nipple and Willow felt her own skin grow flush.

Great mother he’s good.

His deep rumbles of pleasure erupted from his chest counterpoint to Buffy’s soft mewls. Spike moved, quick as a cat, laying Buffy down on the bed, sliding his hand inside her pants, his body blocking her view of what his mouth was doing.

Moving about, Willow drifted closer to the bed, unable to stop watching. Spike’s hand effortlessly peeled Buffy’s jeans down her legs tugging them off without any difficulty.

Her own breathing hitched along with Buffy’s when he slid two fingers inside her pussy pumping against her clit. Hissing his name, Buffy slid her hands inside Spike’s jeans, returning the favor. His tee shirt followed and before she knew what was happening Spike had lowered himself and slid inside Buffy.

His gasped words were so low they were just erotic rumbles matching his thrusts. Buffy’s hands gripped his ass then her legs came up to wrap around his hips and Willow was drowning in the energy pouring from them in waves . . .

Until she was abruptly slammed back into her body by Dawn’s voice in her real ear.

“Ugh. Nosey much?”

There was real disgust both in her tone and in her expression. What she’d done earlier had been accidental, freezing her entire class because of her own inner turmoil. Tonight – that was deliberate. Intentional. And there was nothing at all that Willow could say in her own defense.


******************************** ****************************************

Dawn had stood there watching for about two minutes before she figured out a couple of things. First was her sister and Spike were at it again and um, that was like okay, but the second really creepy thing was Willow was standing there listening. And that was not only gross but really wrong.

So, like any good child when confronted with an “adult” in the middle of wrong doing, she’d called her on it.

And Willow’s quick retreat and totally guilty expression did nothing to help her cause. Dawn’s first thought was Buffy’s gonna wig followed quickly by but boy is Spike gonna be ripe for violence.

Shaking her head, Dawn headed for her original destination before going back to bed.


********************************* *****************************************

Buffy writhed beneath him, her inner muscles tightening around him. “God . . . Buffy . . . love this. . . Come for me kitten . . . uuhh“

His breath was cool against her, his lips deliciously chilly against her overheated skin. Buffy wanted this to never end . . . she was drowning, floating, soaring . . . beyond herself. She wanted him inside her . . .

“Spike. . . please . . . Spike.” She breathed into his mouth, her hands cupping his face. Her eyes stared up into his, awe etched deep within blue and hazel depths.

“Love . . . Buffy . . . so bloody much.” Spike thrust in so hard and far that he’d . . . “god kitten.”

“Now Spike . . . now.”

Clamping down Buffy arched up, body rigid and wound so tightly trembling from head to toe, keening his name as her orgasm slammed into her. Her inner muscles tightened around him, encasing him in silken steel and Spike lost himself in his own orgasm. Shuddering around him, Buffy bit down hard on his shoulder.

And Spike was instantly hard again within her warm depths his demon screaming now for release. Fangs elongated, ridges formed and Spike reared up on his knees dragging Buffy’s lower half with him. Bracing her feet around his hips, Buffy held on, softly shrieking his name in one long continuous moan. Her mind barely registered his state, her eyes seeing only him. Using her strong stomach muscles, Buffy pulled herself up, her fingers digging hard into his shoulders. Her lips captured his, her tongue seeking his. He growled into her mouth, his hands gripping her hips. He was pounding so hard and fast inside her she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t . . . . his name sounded in the air between them, her overheated body craving release. She wanted . . . Needed . . .

Wrapping her arms around him, Buffy held on. “Spike . . . oh . . . god. . . “

Her hands slipped, trying to find somewhere to hold on. “Spike please.”

His growls got louder, deeper, she could feel it inside, every delicious rumble . . . her name rolled from his throat as he thrust deep, hitting her cervix and Buffy whimpered from the pain-filled pleasure. Fighting back a scream, Buffy clamped down, her mouth on his shoulder and feeling her teeth in his skin, Spike growled, stilled his hips and pulled her back, so she could see him.

He was still in game face, still rock hard inside her. Buffy flexed around him, watching as his eyes nearly rolled back. He thrust inside, hard, making her gasp out, then growled his own response when she tightened around him again.

Her head dropped forward, resting on his shoulder and she licked his skin, sucking on the bite marks she’d left. His hips bucked as he ground out “playin’ with fire missy.”

And he was never so surprised when she purred in his ear. “Fire pretty.”

Spike closed his eyes and nuzzled her neck. His reward was Buffy writhing against him, and when he did it again, she moaned against him. “Oh . . . Spike. . . “

“Can’t . . . love . . . Need you . . . Buffy . . . “

“Yes . . . Spike . . . oh god.”

Slowly, almost gently, Spike slid his fangs against the salty skin of her neck, drowning in her scent. Buffy grasped the back of his neck, her breath sirocco hot against his skin. She whined his name, as he nicked his first bite, squeezing all around him.

When his teeth finally sank in, Buffy cried out his name, her body shaking with release. Her mind went blank and the whole world went dark as he exploded within her depths.

She slumped bonelessly in his strong arms, surrendering to him, safe, protected and loved.




A/N: I just received notification about 4 new nominations at Lost In Spike Awards - - - Best Author, Hottest Bite, Best Spike Hero and Most Original. I have no idea who nominated me, but you have my undying thanks. Also, a huge thank you to every single one of you that's taken a moment to review. It means so much to me.





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