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Author's Chapter Notes:
Warning: This chapter deals with the sensitive subject of abortion. Also, it contains graphic descriptions. If you have doubts about reading this chapter, I would advise you to skip it.
When Spike and Buffy entered the clinic, he wasn't prepared for what he saw. There were at least thirty women waiting inside and he was the only man. He put on a brave face and squeezed Buffy's hand as he escorted her to the receptionist area. Although he wanted to turn around and walk out the door, he knew had to be strong for his girl. She was going to need him and he didn't want to let her down. He tried not to look anyone in the eye for too long. He didn't want to make anyone feel anymore uncomfortable than they had already appeared so he looked at all the things in the room that couldn't look back. He stared at the floor, the walls, the plants and the ceiling.

He listened to Buffy tell the woman she had an appointment, giving her the time. The brunette woman handed Buffy a clipboard with a bunch of forms to fill out. The receptionist told Buffy she would take her payment after she finished filling out the forms. The mention of the word payment had gotten Spike's attention. He had been so concerned about Buffy's emotional well being that it never occurred to him to ask her about anything else but she had told him everything was taken care of.

Spike scanned the room for some empty seats then escorted Buffy to one. He let her sit down first before he seated himself. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans while looking around the room. There was no one smiling or talking and everyone appeared to be sad. He looked at Buffy who was busy filling out her forms then he turned his attention to the door. Three more young women had come in. He shifted in his seat then leaned over and whispered in Buffy's ear.

"I know I should have asked this two days ago." Spike paused. "How much does this cost?"

Buffy whispered. "$500.00."

"Christ Buffy why didn't you tell me? You don't even make that working two weeks at the Double Meat Palace."

"We had that fight and I didn't think I could count on you."

Spike was crushed. They had been together almost a year and it hurt him that she felt that way. However, it was understandable since he didn't react well to the news.

"How did you come up with the money so quickly?"

"I asked my dad for it."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "You told him...how did he take the news?"

"I didn't tell him and lied to him about what the money was for."

Spike didn't like the idea that Buffy had to lie, knowing he had the money to give her. "You're going to pay it back. I'll see to that."

Buffy had finished filling out the forms. When she stood up to take them to the receptionist, so did Spike. She smiled at him. He was really being there for her but she could manage walking on her own.

"Spike...I'll be okay...sit down. I'll be right back."

He sat down and followed Buffy with his eyes. He watched her pull the money out of her purse and handed it to the receptionist. His palms were sweating again and again he wiped them on his jeans. He picked up a magazine and tried to read it but he couldn't get pass the first paragraph of some article he didn't bother reading the title to. The front door kept opening as more and more women entered. The butterflies in his stomach were doing a number on him. He thought he was going to be sick. He calmed when Buffy sat down and took his hand. He squeezed it tight, so tight she turned to look at him.

"Are you alright?"

Spike smiled. "I'm fine luv but I should be asking you that question."

"I'm okay. Buffy paused. I'm glad you here with me."

"Me too" Spike kissed Buffy on the forehead.

A nurse had come out, calling several women's names. Spike felt Buffy tense which caused him to straighten up in his seat.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this, pet?"

"I'm sure."

An hour later, several more women were called and then the next hour had pass and several more would go. It would be like this until Buffy's name was called. They both stood up immediately, squeezing each other's hand at the same time. She turned to Spike.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Spike kissed her on the forehead again. Buffy closed her eyes. In that moment his tenderness had calmed her. Slowly she released his hand while turning away and her nervousness returned.

"It's going to be all right pet, I'll be here."

Spike's heart was beating wildly in his chest as he watched Buffy disappear behind the door. He needed to get out of there and smoke a cigarette, hoping it would calm him. He placed it in his mouth as he hurried out the door and it was lit by the time he stepped out into the early morning sunshine. He walked over to Xander's car and sat down on the hood. He was grateful his best friend let him borrow it. Spike didn't want Buffy coming to pick him up especially so early in the morning when her morning sickness was at its worse.

*~~~*

Buffy's heart was in her throat. She followed the nurse into a small room with three curtained stalls. The room was cold and unwelcoming. She seated herself closest to the door and watched the other women take their seats. She looked at the nurse who waited patiently while everyone sat down before speaking.

"I'm nurse Pat and before you see the doctor, a counselor will speak with each of you. After your session with the counselor, you will return to this room and only the bottom half of your clothing and your undergarments inside one of these stalls. There are plastic bags for you to place your items in and make sure you take them with you. Please put on one of the paper gowns provided and make sure the slit is in the front. I will return for you when the doctor is ready. Does anyone have any questions?"

Buffy didn't have any questions. Everything Anya had told her was happening exactly like she said so far. She felt herself relaxing until a tall sophisticated woman walked into the room.

"Buffy Summers."

Buffy tensed at the sound of her name being called. She stood up, giving the woman a weak smile that disappeared quickly.

"Hi...I'm Gwendolyn Price...Will you come with me please?"

Buffy followed the tall woman to a room next door. The counselor wasted no time asking her a series of personal questions, checking things off a list as she answered them. The counselor remained quite for several seconds before asking Buffy why she decided to get an abortion and had she given any of the other alternatives any thought. As Buffy explained why she decided not to have the baby, the counselor shook her head in understanding. The caring look on the woman's face made Buffy want to continue pouring her heart out as tears fell from her eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm crying so much."

The woman handed her some tissues. "It's perfectly all right."

After Buffy finished talking, the counselor handed her some numbers to call in case she wanted to talk to a psychologist in the next few weeks. Then she proceeded to explain what Buffy could expect when she saw the doctor. She had pictures and diagrams as well as instruments similar to what the doctor would be using. Buffy absorbed everything the woman was saying then processed it into the simplest form. Basically, the doctor was going to open up her cervix and suck the fetus out of her uterus with a long plastic tube.

Buffy returned to the room with the counselor, then headed for one of the stalls. She removed her jeans and panties. She placed them inside the plastic bag. She held the bag against her while she tried to keep her gown closed then sat down, looking straight ahead. For a brief moment she couldn't believe what was happening as she thought about the last few hours of her journey. She wanted to cry but didn't. Buffy tired to calm herself by thinking of Spike. It worked for a short while until the nurse came for her. They walked into a cold sterile room. She looked for the doctor, feeling a sense of relief she was a woman.

"Ms. Summers please get on the table and place your feet in the stirrups and make sure your bottom is at the edge of the table. The nurse said. "Would you like for me to hold your hand?"

"Please"

Buffy felt the doctor insert the cold duck bill into her vagina.

"You're going to feel a pinch so try to relax." The doctor said as she stuck a needle into Buffy's cervix to numb it.

It was a little more than a pinch she thought and it burned.

"Okay one more time" The doctor said as she stuck another needle into Buffy's cervix to get it to dilate.

The nurse began talking to Buffy. She asked if she was a student and what she was studying. It was her way of getting Buffy's focus off of what was happening. The nurse even made Buffy smile a little. It worked until the doctor parted her legs wider, causing her to jump. She stared at the ceiling while still trying to hold a conversation with the nurse.

Buffy heard a humming noise as her stomach felt like it was caving in. There was a lot of pressure, which made her uncomfortable and brought tears to her eyes. She didn't want to talk anymore. The nurse's voice had become distant and unclear as Buffy shut herself down in order to gather the strength to get through what was happening to her.

After the procedure was complete, Buffy had bled immediately. The nurse placed a long thick sanitary napkin under her and Buffy had to hold it in place. The nurse helped her off the table and escorted her to a recovery room.

"I will check on you in an hour."

After the nurse left, Buffy started to cry. A combination of guilt, relief, loss and sadness had washed over her. Buffy questioned if she had done the right thing.

*~~~*

Spike smoked two more fags before he thought it was time to return. He wanted to keep his promise to Buffy that he would be there. When the nurse walked out the door to call the next set of women, he interrupted her to ask about Buffy. Because there were so many women going in and out he described her to the nurse and she told him Buffy was in a recovery room. He asked could he see her and the nurse informed him he could but he would have to wait until she finished calling the remaining women. It would the longest twenty minutes of his life.

"You can see her now...just go through this door and make a left. She's in room 1620."

Spike thanked the woman and followed the directions. He walked into the room but didn't go to Buffy's side right away. Her watched her while feelings of sadness washed over him.

Buffy had the strange feeling someone was watching her. She turned towards the door and saw Spike's grief stricken face. She held her hand out to him and he walked slowly over to her, seating himself in a chair beside the bed. He placed his hand in hers, pressing his forehead into the mattress and began to cry.

An hour had passed and Spike was in the same position but was no longer crying. He and Buffy didn't say a word, respecting each other's silence as they dealt with their feelings.

The nurse came into the room to check on Buffy. "Sir, I need you to go back into the waiting room, please."

Spike looked at Buffy. He didn't want to leave as he waited for Buffy to tell him what to do. When she nodded, he stood up and walked out the door.

The nurse placed the plastic bag containing Buffy's clothes on the end of the bed. "How are you feeling Ms. Summers?" She asked while pulling the covers off Buffy so she could check her sanitary napkin.

"My stomach is sore."

"Yes... well that will go away in a couple days. Everything looks good with the bleeding but expect to bleed for the next few days. Do not put anything inside your vagina for 4-6 weeks. Some fresh sanitary napkins are in this drawer." The nurse pointed. "Here are three prescriptions you need to have filled as soon as possible. This one is for the soreness, this one is an antibiotic for infection, and this one is for your uterus and will help with the bleeding. Do you have any questions for me?"

Buffy shook her head.

"Then if you feel up to it you can get dressed and go home. Make sure you do not do anything strenuous and get plenty of rest. Goodbye Ms. Summers."

Buffy couldn't wait to get out of there. As soon as the nurse left, she got out of bed and got dressed. Her walk was slower than normal but that was to be expected. When she opened the door, she saw Spike pacing across the floor.

"Spike" She called out.

He looked up and rushed to her side. He kissed her on the cheek then secured her hand in his. He helped into the car and drove her home in silence. She stared out the window while Spike paid attention to the road but did glance over at her a few times. When they pulled into the driveway, he was glad no one was home.

"I need your keys, luv."

"They're in my purse."

Spike pulled her keys out of her purse and noticed the prescriptions. He made a mental note to retrieve them later and get them filled.

"Wait right here."

He opened the front door then returned to the car to retrieve Buffy. He helped her up the stairs and sat her down on the bed then removed her shoes.

"Lay down now pet and get some rest. I'm going to step out for a little while but I'll be right back. Can I get you anything before I leave?"

"Water"

Spike retrieved bottled water from the refrigerator. When he returned, Buffy had fallen asleep. He placed the bottle on her nightstand and kissed her on the forehead and then covered her with a blanket.

He climbed into the car and headed to the pharmacy to get Buffy's prescriptions filled. He walked down the toy isle on his way out the door and noticed a cute stuffed pig. He purchased it then stopped by the florist, buying the largest bouquet of exotic flowers they had.

Spike entered Buffy's room. She was still asleep. He placed the vases in front of the bed so the beautiful arrangement would be the first thing she saw when she woke up. He placed the prescriptions on her nightstand beside the bottled water. As for the cute stuffed pig, he placed it in the bed with her where he wanted to be. He didn't want to wake by climbing in with her so he sat in a chair, kicking off his shoes. He stared at Buffy while she slept until sleep had overtaken him.

*~~~*

As Buffy's eyes fluttered open, she thought she was seeing things. Staring her in the face was an adorable stuffed pig. She crinkled her brow, wondering how it got there and then the scent of fresh flowers filled her nostrils. For a brief moment she had to think about where she was. She had no sense of time. She propped herself up on both elbows and in front of her, were the most beautiful flowers she had ever seen. Spike's thoughtfulnees had made her smile then she looked over at him sleeping in the chair. She grabbed the soft and cuddly stuffed animal and rubbed it against her cheek before placing against the pillows.

Buffy eased out of bed. She had to pee. She tiptoed pass Spike but before she could get out the door he had woken up.

"Going somewhere pet?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

Spike started to get up.

"I think I can handle this by myself but thank you."

"Okay but get back in bed after you're done."

"Yes, sir" She replied while saluting him.

"You hungry. I can fix you something."

"That would be nice."

Spike stood up and opened the door for her. He touched the side of her face then kissed her on the forehead. His hand wondered down to the small of her back, gently touching her as she walked out the door.

"I'll be right back. Are you sure you can manage?"

Buffy smiled. "Will you go please? I've being peeing by myself since I was two years old." She expected him to laugh and not the weak smile he had given her followed by a look of worry.

*~~~*

Buffy's mid section was killing her but she managed to sit on the toilet. Looking at the bloody sanitary napkin only made her recall what she had done. Although she was pro-choice, she never imagined she would have to make such a huge life decision. It would be a decision she wouldn't make again. No wonder Anya wasn't so forthcoming about her abortion she thought. It was too painful to talk about.

Buffy didn't like using sanitary napkins. She preferred tampons and so did Anya. However, Amy used pads and Buffy remembered she kept a box under the cabinet sink. She washed carefully and put on a clean one, making a mental note to replenish her roommates stock. She wrapped up the used one in the empty wrapper with tons of toilet paper and threw it in the trash. All of sudden she started crying again. She descended to the bathroom floor and curled up into a ball overtaken by the same feelings of quilt, relief, loss, and sadness.

*~~~*

Thinking she probably didn't want anything heavy on her stomach, Spike fixed Buffy some tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. He placed it on a tray and carried up to her. He couldn't believe she was still in the bathroom. He sat the tray down and knocked on the door.

"Buffy"

She didn't answer him but Spike could hear her crying. He opened the door and saw her curled up on the floor. He wasn't about to ask her what was wrong. She was hurting. He curled up along side her and held her until she stopped crying.

"Sweetheart...lets get you back in bed." He whispered.

Buffy nodded.

Spike helped her up and escorted her back to bed. He propped some pillows behind her.

"You ready to eat, now."

"I don't want it."

"You have to eat something luv before you can take this medication."

Buffy looked at the three bottles on her nightstand. "Okay"

Spike grabbed the bowl of soup and began feeding it to her. Then he broke off pieces of the grill cheese sandwich and fed it to her also. He knew she was quite capable of feeding herself. But he was there to take care of her. He was glad she had eaten it all but he wasn't surprised. She couldn't eat anything after 8PM yesterday and nothing this morning.

"I love the flowers and my pig."

"I'm glad." Spike handed Buffy her medication.

"Do you want to watch some television?" He asked.

"No"

"Then I think you should get some more sleep."

"Well..What are you going to do?"

"I'll be over here." Spike pointed to the uncomfortable chair.

"Don't...will you stay here and hold me."

"What ever you want kitten."

Buffy lay on her side while Spike spooned her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He whispered.

There was a long silence before Buffy spoke. "I hated every minute of it."

"Did it hurt?"

"No, but it was extremely uncomfortable. At times I felt like I couldn't catch my breath."

Spike listened letting Buffy get it all out.

"I kept saying I want it to be over...I want it to be over in my head. I had trouble controlling my emotions. It's been hard trying not to cry."

Spike continued to listen.

"I'll be glad when this soreness goes away." Buffy touched her stomach. "There was this machine that made his humming sound and I could see the doctor's arm moving back and forth like she was vacuuming her floor. Then it was this long pause and she did it again. My stomach felt it was being pulled from the inside. It was horrible."

Spike adjusted his arm so he didn't put too much pressure on her waist area and remained silent.

"And then I felt this huge rush of blood coming out of me like I was coming on my period but way more heavier. The nurse said I would bleed for at least a week or two. So I have to walk around with these huge pads on."

There was a long silence. Buffy was glad she talked about it, and then she focused on Spike.

"Tell me what you're thinking?"

Spike opened his eyes, thinking about his experience.

"I wanted to run like hell as soon as we stepped into the place. I was uncomfortable being the only man there and disturbed by the number of women I saw."

"That's right ...you were the only man but I guess it makes sense. I don't think any men would want to work there. I think they deliberately keep it that way to make it comfortable for the women."

"I guess you're right, pet." Spike paused. "When I saw you lying in that bed, I never felt so helpless in my life. I wanted to make it better for you. I wanted to make the hurt I know you were feeling go away."

Buffy turned to look up at him.

"You going with me and being here right now is helping me."

Spike shook his head. "I shouldn't freaked out when you told me. I wished I'd handled it better. I didn't mean...please forgive me."

"That's in the past now. There's nothing else to forgive. Stop beating yourself up about it."

Spike stared into Buffy's eyes. "I love you so much."

She smiled "I love you too."

Spike lowered his head, giving her a sweet kiss on the lips. They continued to stare into each other eyes and kissed again. Mutually they parted and Buffy snuggled into his chest as he held her close.





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