When Spike emerged from the sewers a short distance from the Hyperion, he pulled his duster over his head, hoping to ward off the rain and any glimpses of sunlight that might come filtering through the heavy clouds overhead. The hotel appeared gray and imposing before him. He hurried up the steps and into the lobby, stopping short when he saw Dawn sitting at the front desk by herself. She glanced up from a magazine, looking surprised to see him.
“You came back,” she said, her voice even. She looked strangely grown up to his eyes, sitting there with her legs crossed primly at the ankles.
Spike shook the rain from his duster as he approached. “‘Course I did,” he replied. “You really think I wouldn’t?”
“Actually, I kinda expected you to pull a Hank.”
He lifted a scarred eyebrow. “Wassat?”
“Hank would be my dad,” she explained as she set her magazine aside. “He likes to come around and pretend he cares about Buffy and me – then he leaves right when we get used to having him around. It’s a thing.”
Spike caught on to what she was implying. “Bit, I’m not…”
“In or out, Spike,” she said, cutting him off. “Quit messing with my emotions – and with Buffy’s. Figure out what the hell you want, grow some balls, and go for it.”
A smile tugged at the corner of his lips at her colorful choice of words. “Here, aren’t I?”
Dawn bit her lip, shifting her eyes around the room as she sighed. “Yeah, I guess you are. So where were you?”
“I just needed to sort through some things in my head, is all.”
“Did you? Sort through them, I mean.”
He shrugged. “More or less. Where’s big sis?”
Dawn nodded at the suitcases that were in a messy pile by the elevator. “She called about ten minutes ago, telling me to pack everything up so we could leave when she got back. She sounded pretty pissed when I told her you weren’t here.” Dawn paused and grinned. “You’re so gonna get your ass kicked, by the way.”
“Like that, wouldn’t you?” he asked with a wink.
“Yeah – you kinda deserve it.”
“Probably,” he conceded. “Hey, can I ask you something, Nibblet? Gotta promise me you won’t go blabbing to your sis about it, though. Pretty sure she wouldn’t like the idea.”
Dawn propped her head up on her hands. “Promise.”
Thumbing the edge of her magazine, Spike mulled over his question for a long moment before he spoke. “How terrible would it be if I didn’t get the soul back?”
“Um, wow,” she said, lifting her eyebrows in surprise. “Care to elaborate?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me last night at the diner. You said you knew I’d lost my soul because I started looking you in the eyes again. What’s it going to do to us if I get it back? What’s it going to do to me and Buffy?”
“Do you really think you would change your mind about us that fast?”
Spike ran his fingers through his hair, glancing expectantly at the door. “You don’t know what it’s like, Bit, feeling all that guilt hit you. It never lets up, and there’s no room to really give attention to anything else. I didn’t like to make that big a deal about the soul when I had it, but there were times I didn’t think I was gonna make it. Only reason I stuck around was because Buffy asked me to.”
“Where did all this come from?” asked Dawn. “You weren’t talking like this last night. Then it was all, ‘Oh, bluddy ‘ell, if’n the Buff wants me soul back, I’ll fetch it straight’way, by jove!’”
Spike scowled at her. “I have never and will never say the words ‘by jove’, got that?”
“No, seriously,” she pressed, “what’s your deal? I’ve never heard you talk like this.”
“It’s just something that Angel said to me last night,” muttered Spike under his breath. He glanced at the door again.
“What, and you actually listened to him? I didn’t know you listened to anyone, much less Angel.”
“Sometimes you hear things, even when you’re trying your best not to listen. And it usually works out that those are the things that stick with you the longest.”
Growing quiet at his words, Dawn studied his profile for a long moment. “Would you really leave us?”
“No,” he admitted. “I’d still be there. You know, in a physical/geographical sense, but…”
“…you wouldn’t really be there,” she finished for him. “It’d be like it was before, when you wouldn’t even look at me.”
“I don’t like to admit it, but yeah. There’s definitely that possibility.” He glanced up at her uncertainly. “So what’s the verdict?”
“Well, I’d be lying if I said I liked you better with the soul. I didn’t. You were an evasive asshole. I mean, you’re still an asshole, but at least you talk to me now.”
“Ta, Bit.”
“I really think you should talk to Buffy about this, Spike. If you’re having serious doubts about your soul, she needs to know. She puts a lot of stock in it, if you haven’t noticed. I think that comes with the whole Slayer package, like a free gift with purchase.”
Spike’s expression grew dark. “Kinda hard to talk to her when she’s off alone with Grandaddy Forehead.”
“Well, whose fault is it that they’re alone together?”
“Quiet, you. You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“Hmm, must have missed the memo. You’re not seriously worried about Buffy and Angel being together, are you?”
Spike leaned heavily against the desk and said, “She still loves him, Bit. I can’t compete with that.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Hey, wait a sec. Your soul didn’t suddenly materialize, did it? Because you’re being way lame, in case you didn’t know. Buffy’ll be back any minute, and after she kicks your ass around the room a bit, she’ll realize that she missed you like crazy all day. And then you’ll jump into each other’s arms, and I’ll have to excuse myself to throw up, and you’ll live happily ever after – with or without a soul. Blah-dy blah blah.”
Spike smiled. “And where does Angel fit in?”
“Duh. He doesn’t. And that was his choice, by the way. Don’t be stupid like him.”
“Right,” replied Spike, feeling minutely better about the situation. “Guess I’m worrying about nothing, huh?”
Dawn tilted her head to the side, mimicking deep thought. “Well, unless Angel changes his mind and decides he wants her after all. Then you might have something to worry about. Because let’s face it – he is kinda hot.”
Spike’s smile turned into a glower. “Okay, that? Didn’t help.”
Before Dawn could reply, Buffy came huffing into the lobby, the sound of her rapid footfalls echoing in her wake. Angel was a short distance behind her, his face carefully wiped of emotion up until the moment he caught sight of Spike. The two vampires stared at each other, shoulders straightening as they exchanged silent challenges.
“Hey, Buffy,” said Dawn, pointing at Spike. “Look who showed up?”
When Buffy caught sight of Spike, the relief she felt was obvious on her face, but it was quickly overshadowed with the same look of anger she’d worn when she first entered. “Are we all packed up?” she asked Dawn in a clipped tone.
“Yeah, but I don’t see why we have to go home so soon,” said Dawn. “I mean we just got here last night.”
Buffy ignored her and picked up her suitcase. “It’ll be dark in less than an hour, and it’s raining. Spike should be safe enough in the car. Let’s just get out of here.”
“Safe enough?” echoed Spike, breaking the staring match with Angel. “That sounds … adventurous. Let’s be on our way, then.”
“Buffy, I wish we could talk about this before you just run off,” said Angel, stepping forward.
“There’s nothing more to talk about,” she replied shortly. “If you change your mind about helping us, then maybe I’ll have something more to say.” And then she was gone, fleeing out of the front door and off to the car. Retrieving her magazine from the desk, Dawn smiled uncertainly at Angel before she followed her sister.
Spike turned and cocked an eyebrow in his grandsire’s direction. “Well, you two seem to have had a nice reunion. And to think I was worried about you being alone with her.”
A muscle ticked in Angel’s jaw. “I’m disappointed to find you here, Spike. When you left the hotel last night, I figured you had finally wised-up. Guess I was wrong. Did you take anything I told you last night into consideration?”
“You told me something last night?” asked Spike, feigning ignorance. “Sorry, mate. Guess I didn’t put much stock in whatever it was that you said. Well, I’m off, then. You have fun with your shiny, new office. I’ll be in Sunnydale, taking care of my girls.”
*****
In the car, Buffy felt like she was flying out of control. She kept one hand on her seatbelt and one on the door handle, even though she knew full well that it wasn’t Spike’s driving that was bothering her. The anxious feeling was borne of exhaustion and the fact that too many things were changing around her. She didn’t know what to hold onto anymore or where to place her trust.
The uncomfortable silence in the car was partially masked by the sound of the windshield wipers. Buffy stared at the drops of water streaking across her window. Part of her wished Spike would go faster, though he was already breaking the speed limit – anything to get away from L.A. and everything Angel had told her. But it seemed no matter how fast Spike pushed the car, the unwelcome thoughts were still right behind her. She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a shaky breath.
“Look, pet,” said Spike when he heard her sigh, “I’ve obviously pissed you off somehow, so let’s just have it out, then.”
Before Buffy answered, she glanced back at Dawn, who appeared preoccupied with her Discman. “It’s not you I’m mad at,” Buffy told him. It was a partial truth, but that also made it a partial lie.
“Like hell,” replied Spike. “Is this because I left the hotel?”
She didn’t answer.
“I just stepped out for a bit,” he explained. “Needed to think some things through. Not an easy thing to do with Angel breathing down my neck, telling me to walk out on you and forget about the soul.” He turned to meet Buffy’s surprised gaze. “Guess he didn’t fill you in on that little bit, eh?”
“He mentioned it, but I guess he left out a few details,” she said quietly. “So where were you exactly?”
“Found a demon bar, had a few drinks. Got caught off guard when the sun rose.”
She licked her lips. “So you weren’t…”
Spike bit the inside of his cheek in aggravation. “If you’ve got something to say, love, just say it.”
In the backseat, Dawn sighed impatiently and yelled over her Discman. “She wants to know if you were out killing people, doofus. Get a freaking clue.”
Swearing under his breath, Spike hit the brakes and guided the car onto the shoulder of the freeway, ignoring the frantic honks from passing cars. “What are you doing?” Buffy snapped. “You’re gonna get us killed.”
“Outside,” he ordered. “Wanna talk to you.” Cutting the engine, he jabbed a finger at Dawn and said, “You stay put.”
“It’s raining!” argued Buffy. She was answered only with his car door slamming in her face. She looked back at her sister questioningly.
“Go easy on him,” said Dawn. “Remember, he has to drive home. We’d never make it in one piece if you had to get behind the wheel, so no maiming the vampire.”
Shaking her head, Buffy unfastened her seatbelt and got out of the car. Spike was standing behind the back bumper, glaring at her. She looked away, unable to hold his piercing gaze.
“What’s this all about now?” he asked. “One day we’re all snuggles and promises, and the next, I’m under suspicion of murder because I went for a bleeding walk. So let’s hear it, Buffy. What’s really wrong?”
She stared at the wet ground and whispered, “Your soul is gone.”
Spike nodded sardonically. “Yes, love. I’m well aware of that. I was the one who told you about it, remember?”
“I mean it’s gone for good,” she replied, trying to keep her voice steady.
He stared at her, blinking away raindrops, a million things going through his mind. Was it true? Had his little stunt with the amulet really cost him a part of himself? He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit relieved, but he was also angered by the news. Not only had he fought for that soul, but he’d gotten it for her because it was what she wanted. What was this going to mean for them? She was already implying that he was out killing people. The delicate trust she’d placed in him was apparently gone.
“Oh, I get it now,” he said, nodding slowly. “Spike doesn’t have a chip and now he doesn’t have a soul. He must be out snacking on the stragglers at the edges of the crowd, all behind the Slayer’s back.”
“Are you?” she asked, beginning to shake as the rain soaked through her clothes. “You snuck off last night, after we fought. How do I know what you were doing out there?”
Spike felt gutted. “What the hell part of I love you don’t you understand? Oh, still thinking soulless vamps can’t love, is that it? God, Buffy – are we really back here, at this same argument? Have I not proven myself even a bit in all this time?”
She still refused to look at him. “I think I just need to … take a step back. To reassess.”
“Reassess, huh? Sounds a whole lot like telling me to shove off. I expect you’ll be calling me William in the next breath.”
“I didn’t say that. I just…”
Spike wasn’t listening anymore. “Just get in the fucking car, Buffy. I don’t want to hear anymore. God, Giles and Harris are just going to love this.”
*****
They made it back to Sunnydale in record time, hitting speeds that made Buffy want to sink to the floorboards and hide. But she didn’t say a word to Spike about it. When they reached Revello Drive, he cut the engine and handed her the keys. “Rupert’ll be wanting these back,” he said, the first words he’d spoken since their argument on the side of the road. “Make sure he gets them, yeah?”
Buffy frowned at him in confusion as he got out of the car, slamming the door behind him. She quickly followed and called out to him when she realized he was heading down the street, away from her house. “Wait – you’re not coming inside?”
Spike stopped and turned to face her. “Don’t really see any reason why I should.”
“So you’re just leaving, then?” she asked in disbelief.
He rolled his eyes. “I’m just gonna find somewhere else to crash, all right? Not really looking forward to the torches and pitchforks in there once you tell them about my soul.”
“I don’t have to tell them anything.”
“No, either you tell them or I will. Because guess what, pet?” He placed a hand in the middle of his chest. “This is me, and I’m sick of apologizing for it – sick of watching you apologize to your friends for it. Accept me or don’t, but you need to quit pretending you’re okay with what I really am because you’re obviously not. That’s something you’re gonna have to figure out on your own.”
She wavered there for a moment, taken back by his words. Part of her wanted to smack him upside the head and drag him inside with her, but something made her hesitate. He was right, she realized. Deep down, she really wasn’t okay with what he was – not with the promise of his soul’s return gone. “Don’t go far,” she whispered, feeling lost and confused. “Promise me you won’t?”
Spike shook his head and muttered, “You really don’t know me at all, do you, Slayer?” And with that, he turned and walked away. Buffy stared at his retreating form, trying to figure out what had just happened.
Behind her, Dawn dropped her suitcase on the driveway angrily. “God, Buffy. Why’d you do that? I mean … he was really trying, and you just dumped him for something he couldn’t help.”
Buffy’s gaze dropped to the wet pavement. “I didn’t dump him.”
“Um, yeah. You kinda did.”
“No, I didn’t. I just told him I needed some time to think things through. Would it be too much of a cliché to say it’s not him, it’s me?”
Dawn stared in the direction Spike had gone. “So his soul’s really gone, then? As in not coming back?” When Buffy looked her in surprise, she added, “Yeah, I overheard your fight on the freeway. You guys were kinda loud.”
“We’re not completely sure if it’s gone, but yeah. Looks like it.”
“Well, good. I’m glad it’s gone.”
“You do remember what he is, right?” asked Buffy. “What he’s done in the past?”
“Oh, I remember. But he’s trying to do something about it. He’s trying to make himself a better person. He didn’t have to try when he had the soul – it just happened automatically. There’s not really much merit in that, if you ask me.”
Buffy sighed as she pushed her hair behind her ears. “I get what you’re saying, Dawnie. But what Spike really is, is evil. What he’s capable of…”
“No, listen to me, Buffy. You’re biased against soulless vampires and with good reason. But you need to realize that Spike is different. I know what he’s capable of, and I’m not excusing it. But if he’s genuinely trying to do the right thing, don’t you think you should give him the chance to prove himself?”
“I just…I need to think, okay?” said Buffy dismissively. “I haven’t decided anything yet. It’s not like I expected this to happen – any of it. Spike losing his soul or us starting a relationship. It all happened so fast.” She blinked back sudden tears. “And I’m so tired, Dawnie. I’m tired, and I miss him already. And now he’s gone.”
Dawn touched the ends of her sister’s hair. “So go after him.”
Wiping her face, Buffy stared down the street that Spike had disappeared down. “I don’t think I can.”
*************
To be continued.
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