Having lain in bed awake for hours, Buffy was finally beginning to doze off when she heard the front door open downstairs. Giles and the girls were back from their mission, and from the pleased sound of their voices, they had succeeding in accomplishing something significant. Glancing over Spike’s shoulder at the clock on her nightstand, she saw that it was around midnight. Part of her wanted nothing more than to curl up closer to him and doze, but curiosity over how the battle had gone won out in the end.
Spike had a troubled expression on his face when Buffy pulled herself out of his arms. She sat up and exhaled thankfully as she stretched her limbs out, glad to finally move after lying in one position for so long. She glanced down at her nakedness with a dumbfounded expression, still unable to believe how quickly they’d fallen into bed. She felt ashamed and embarrassed of the way she’d acted, but she’d be lying if she didn’t admit that she was a little excited as well. Most of all, she felt unsure about what to do next. Although they’d spoken briefly about their relationship earlier, she still didn’t know exactly where they stood now.
Buffy had already decided this wasn’t going to be a one-time fling. One thing she was certain of – she wanted to be with Spike. But were they going to embark on another secret affair, or were they actually going to try for a real relationship? Were either of them even ready for such a big step? Her mind couldn’t fathom how it could possibly work. Her friends hated Spike. Dawn was still wary of him and wouldn’t talk to him. Giles and Principal Wood had planned Spike’s murder. The new Slayers found him distrustful. Her father would probably disown her at the first sight of Spike’s bleached hair and sneer. Buffy doubted even her mother would have approved of such a relationship, regardless of her fondness for Spike. Angel would … God, she didn’t even want to think about what Angel would do.
These were people who loved her. People she was supposed to trust to lead her in the right direction. What did that say about Spike?
Not to mention the fact that he’d lost his soul on top of everything else. A fresh wave of guilt washed over her. Granted, he hadn’t lost it by any fault of his own, nor did he seem pleased about the situation – but the problem was still there. Swallowing with difficulty, she glanced back at him. He looked so innocent as he slept, dark eyelashes thick against his pale cheek. It was easy to forget the lives he’d willingly taken when she knew the goodness he was capable of. They’d forgiven each other so much, but was it foolish to hope that they could be happy together after all the hurt they’d caused each other? After everything they’d been through and everything they inherently were?
He wanted the soul back, but what if it proved impossible to retrieve? Should she continue to be involved with him? Again and again, logic implied that there was no possible way for their relationship to succeed, but since when was anything about Spike logical? He couldn’t be judged that way. If anything, he was anti-logic embodied. He should be elsewhere, gleefully maiming and killing now that he was free from the crush of guilt and the entrapment of his chip. Instead he was asleep in her bed with sour pig’s blood curdling in his belly. It didn’t make sense. She couldn’t ignore that sacrifice – though it seemed so small, for a hungry, injured vampire, it was huge.
Two scenes juxtaposed in her mind: the sight of soulless Spike lying peacefully in the bed beside her – and the night she first made love to Angel and brought about the rebirth of Angelus. The difference between the two vampires was startling. She always suspected that somewhere deep down, Angel must hate her, or Angelus would never have wanted to destroy her. Whether or not that was true or just a manifestation of her own personal insecurity was another matter. But Spike … he just seemed to love her no matter the state of his soul. It confused her terribly and cast a shadow over her feelings for Angel. Still, Spike was no saint. She knew what he was capable of if pushed hard enough.
Spike is going to have to prove himself to me, she decided in the end. But this time, I’m going to give him the chance to do it. He deserves that much, after trying so hard to change. I can’t ignore the fact that he doesn’t have a soul, but I also can’t deny that he’s capable of love and the desire to make himself a better person. God, I hope I’m not making a mistake…
A groan escaped her lips as she rose from the bed. Certain parts of her body tugged and pulled painfully as she reached for her robe. She thought about taking a shower – she certainly needed one – but the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs made her hesitate. Sure enough, the bathroom door shut with a thud a moment later. She sighed in frustration, unable to decide what to do with herself.
“Can’t sleep, pet?” asked a groggy voice behind her.
Not turning around, Buffy quickly pulled the robe on to cover herself. “Not really,” she replied quietly as she tied the sash, her eyes looking everywhere but in his direction. Did he really have to choose that moment to wake up?
“Where are you off to?” he inquired, pushing himself up into a sitting position on the pillows. “I think I’m going to have to start tying you down before we go to bed so you don’t sneak off.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said as pulled her hair up into a sloppy ponytail. “I heard Giles and the girls come home. I was going to go ask how things went.”
“They can wait. Stay with me a little while longer.” When she dared to glance at him, Spike held his hand out to her invitingly. Shaking her head, she backed away from the bed. “What was that you told me a few hours ago? Something about not running away from me after we made love, I think. We weren’t going to fall back into old patterns, remember?”
She sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I’m not running away. But I am a little freaked out, I guess.”
Spike crawled over to where she sat and nuzzled the side of her neck. “Yeah?”
She nodded and allowed him to gather her backwards onto his lap. She closed her eyes and rested her head back against him. After over a year of shutting herself off to physical touch, she gladly soaked in every bit she could get.
“You want to slow things down?” he asked.
She chuckled. “Little late for that, don’t you think? Besides, you’re not the easiest person to say ‘no’ to – not to mention the fact that you don’t listen when I do.”
“I do, too.”
“Do not.”
“Do – ow!” he cried as she pinched his leg. “Well you’re just as bad.”
“Yeah,” she admitted. “We should work on that.”
Spike picked at the lint on the comforter. “I don’t like it when you shut yourself off to me like this, Buffy. You just scamper off the second you get scared.”
“I know, and I’m sorry,” she replied. “I won’t run away, Spike. I want to make this work somehow … but I have to work some things out in my head.”
“Such as?”
“Such as the fact that you don’t have a soul.”
Jaw tensing, Spike fixed his gaze on the floor. “Didn’t seem to bother you much earlier.”
“Well, I’d be lying if I said it isn’t bothering me now.”
He looked up at her, blue eyes boring into hers intensely. “You are my soul, Buffy.”
She blinked at him. “That sounds like the lyrics from a lame Michael Bolton song. Possibly Celine Dion.”
“I’m serious,” he pressed. The look in his eyes caused any further remarks to die on her lips. “You make me want to be a better person. You make me feel guilty when I mess up, even though it’s technically impossible for me to feel remorse. You’ve made me turn against my nature and willingly delve into your goody-goody, Golden-Rule driven world of Christmas and puppies. If that isn’t a soul, I don’t know what is.”
For a moment, she couldn’t think of what to say. She’d never really thought about it that way. “I believe you want to be a better person, Spike, and that amazes me about you. Do you have any idea how difficult you make my job as a Slayer? Every vampire I dust, I start to feel guilty, thinking about the path of redemption I might be denying them. But that isn’t realistic. You’re unique. One of a kind.”
“Why do I sense a big ‘but’ coming soon?”
“But,” she continued, “most people don’t get that you’re different. All they see is that you’re a vampire, and all the other vampires they’ve ever encountered have tried to send them to the hereafter. Do you have any idea how people would react if they found out we’re together?”
“Hate to say it, love, but I think most of them have figured we’ve been shacking up for the better part of a week.”
“But they haven’t actually heard it from me. We haven’t come out of the proverbial closet.”
Spike made a face. “Bad metaphor, pet.”
“What I mean is that no one is going to say anything to us until we say something first. And then all their predictable arguments are gonna start coming – and you know what the real kicker is? They’re right – I shouldn’t get involved with a vampire – but you don’t fit that mold anymore. There’s no way they’re going to accept that.”
“They might eventually,” he offered. “You didn’t use to be my biggest fan either, once upon a time.”
“Uh, you mean ‘once upon a month ago’? Okay, so maybe I’ve liked you a little longer than that.” She sighed and put her face in her hands. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe they will understand.”
“Are you kidding?” scoffed Spike. “I was just saying that to make you feel better. If your Watcher doesn’t stake me, Harris will.”
Buffy nodded sadly. “Yeah.”
“So we keep it a secret?”
“I don’t know if I want to. Maybe we just act normal – the way we’ve been acting before we … you know.”
“Made with the smut?” supplied Spike nonchalantly.
Trying unsuccessfully to suppress a blush, she replied, “That’s one way to put it. Maybe everyone will just catch on, and we won’t have to do the whole confrontation thing.” She frowned as Spike burst into laughter. “What?”
“You,” he replied. “You’re adorably naive. But I suppose it’s worth a try, though you can bet there’ll be some confrontation sooner or later.” Pressing his lips to the pulse on her neck, he asked, “So … does this imply actual couple-hood?”
Buffy swallowed hard – no going back after this. “I’m willing to try if you are.” She looked up to see him smiling at her in wonder and adoration. She cupped his cheek affectionately. “But Spike?” she continued hesitantly. “I’d still like you to get your soul back. It … makes me feel safe.”
Perhaps it was his imagination, but she thought she saw him wince. “Sure. I’ll talk to Willow about it tomorrow.”
“We should tell Giles, too,” she said. “He can help us do research on the amulet.”
A dark look crossed Spike’s face. “You sure he can be trusted? You do remember what happened a while back, right? Nice little assassination attempt, involving yours truly?”
“I know that he’ll want your soul back in place,” said Buffy. “And he told me earlier that he was wrong about you.”
“Did he, now?” replied Spike suspiciously. “Nice little way to work himself back into high standing with you. Bravo, Rupert.”
Her eyes drifted shut wearily. “Giles can help us, Spike.”
“All right, then,” he agreed, shaking his head unhappily.
Even as she leaned over to give him a kiss of reassurance, Buffy had the horrible feeling she’d hurt him with her words about his soul. But she didn’t know what to do about it – it was the truth. In her mind, the sooner his soul was back in place, the better. Was he having second thoughts about getting it back?
When his hands moved to the ties of her robe, she gently pushed them away. “Not right now. I really want to find out what happened with Giles and the girls.” She pressed one last kiss onto his mouth and rose from his lap. “I’ll be right back, okay? You should try to get some sleep.”
Obediently, he lay back in the bed, but she noticed his eyes followed her every movement as she hastily slipped out of her robe to tug on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. Before she left the bedroom, he said, “I love you.”
Her hand hesitated on the doorknob, and she smiled back at him hesitantly. The words ‘I love you, too’ formed on her lips, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually say them. It seemed more like a reaction to the situation than something she really meant. “I’ll be right back,” she promised.
***
The hall and stairway were packed with excited girls, and the living room was brightly lit with smiles. “I take it things went well,” said Buffy as she came down the stairs.
“Not as well as they could have gone,” Giles reasoned, looking more tired than she’d ever seen him. “The collapse was rather widespread, so it was difficult for us to get around the damage to patrol all the areas.”
“Patrol?” echoed Buffy.
“We couldn’t exactly go down into the crater, could we?” Kennedy said, not looking at them as she practiced spinning a stake in her hand. “So we waited for them to come to us.”
Buffy frowned at her. “And did they?”
“There weren’t many left, truth be told,” replied Giles as he adjusted his glasses. “A sprinkling here and there. I imagine most were crushed in the collapse – not to mention the initial sweep of sunlight from the amulet.”
Faith sauntered up and jabbed Buffy in the side. “I filled Giles in on what went down with Mr. Tall, Blond, and Moody. He kept buggin’ me until I spilled.”
“Yes, well, it was rather important that I know what we were dealing with,” replied Giles coolly. “As I was saying, there weren’t many Turok-Han remaining. Those that were left were leaderless and panicking, not to mention wounded.”
“The hurt ones were the worst,” said Vi with wide eyes. “They fought the hardest, if you ask me.”
“Wouldn’t you, if you were on your last limb?” asked Kennedy.
“Aww, c’mon, girls. That’s what made it fun,” replied Faith. “Not all of them were tough though. You would have laughed if you’d seen them, B. They were falling all over themselves, trying to get away.”
Buffy suddenly wished she hadn’t come downstairs. That old feeling of rivalry was beginning to blossom in her chest again. “So The First didn’t show its face again?” she asked. “Whatever face that might have been at the moment…”
“Not so much,” said Faith. “Looks like we beat it down for awhile. Too bad we can’t kill it for good.”
“I think we’d all feel better if that were possible,” Giles added reluctantly. “But it seems as though we must content ourselves with a partial victory. I admit, I didn’t even expect that until quite recently.” Several people around him nodded in agreement. “But we must remain steadfast in our efforts. We don’t know how many of the enemy escaped our notice tonight, and I imagine that earthquake opened up new areas of the Hellmouth.”
“Gee, I sure love it when you get optimistic like this,” said Buffy with a tight smile. “Makes me all warm and snuggly inside.”
Giles smiled apologetically. “I try.”
“So what are our new orders?” Kennedy asked, giving her stake one last flip before she tucked it into the waistband of her jeans.
“Little bit eager there, huh?” remarked Faith. “You like that new power rushing through your veins, don’t cha?”
“Not bad,” said Kennedy pointedly, “as long as it’s not misused, that is.”
“My orders are to rest tonight,” said Giles quickly, keen to break up the scuffle before it started. “We will regroup tomorrow and discuss what’s to be done. Understood?” Various nods went throughout the group. “Good. Now, off you go.”
As the girls dispersed, Giles turned his attention towards Buffy. “The wounded?”
“With Xander,” she answered. “He took them to a hospital out of town.”
“Good – very good. Xander will need something like that to keep his mind off of Anya’s death. I trust you were able to get some rest today?”
Buffy nodded, blushing furiously.
“You do look as thought you’ve recovered from your injury. Even your coloring has improved,” noted Giles with an approving nod. “I wanted to let you know that I took the opportunity tonight to study that amulet a bit more. I had to stay in one location, you see, so the girls could find me for their orders. Just between you and me, it got rather dull. Well anyway, after studying the runes around the center jewel, I have a few theories about what it might be. I’ll need to cross-reference some books to be certain, though.”
“Really?” asked Buffy eagerly. “Because there’s something I kinda need to tell you. I wonder if I should wait for Spike to wake up, though. It relates to what happened when he wore said amulet.”
Giles frowned. “Spike?”
“You called?” said a sleepy voice. Buffy and Giles looked up to see Spike coming down the stairs, eyeing the second floor disdainfully. His disheveled hair curled wildly about his head, having not seen a hint of gel since his shower. Buffy noticed he wore the same clothes he had discarded on her floor after his shower and was thankful he’d bothered to put them on at all.
“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked softly, feeling suddenly shy in his presence – as if it was completely obvious what they’d been up to earlier that evening.
“You mean with the sudden rush of teenagers up the stairs and into the bathroom to scrub their pimples?” he asked. “Not so much. Thought we were having another tremor.”
“Buffy says you two have something to tell me?” hinted Giles with a slight air of impatience. The fact that Spike had just descended from Buffy’s room didn’t seem to set well with her old Watcher. “Something that happened when you wore the amulet?”
Spike didn’t so much as blink as he replied, “Soul’s gone.” Then he turned to Buffy and asked, “Any blood left in the fridge? I’m starved.”
Without waiting for an answer, Spike turned and left for the kitchen, leaving Giles gaping in his wake. “The blazes…?”
“It’s okay,” said Buffy, lifting her hands up defensively. “I mean, he’s okay. I’ve already had the ‘you-hurt-anyone-you-die’ talk with him, and he seems fine with it. And look!” She gestured towards the kitchen with a too-bright smile. “He’s getting blood! Blood that comes from a butcher. Animal blood. The kind that’s not human.”
Giles snatched his glasses off of his face so furiously, Buffy was surprised they didn’t snap in two. “Need I remind you what happened when Angel lost his soul? The lives that were lost – not to mention the life of someone who was quite dear to me – because of your persistent failure to see the situation for what it was?”
Buffy seemed to shrink in on herself. “It’s not the same thing, Giles. Spike wants his soul back.”
“Well, I don’t think it’s in the bloody kitchen!” spat Giles furiously.
“No, it wasn’t,” said Spike as he strolled back into the living room, studying a Tupperware bowl from the refrigerator curiously. “But I did find some leftover Mac ‘n Cheese.”
“Spike, no…” Buffy groaned as he shoveled a huge spoonful into his mouth. “That’s weeks old.”
“Yeah. Got a nice zing to it now.” Spike swallowed and turned towards the fuming Giles. “I’ve been thinking – mulling over in my mind exactly what happened down in the Hellmouth. I felt the soul up until Buffy ripped the amulet off of me.” He helped himself to another mouthful of macaroni between sentences, ignoring Buffy’s moan of protest. “Like maybe it relocated itself into the amulet or something.”
“You’re seriously interested in getting it back?” said Giles incredulously. “I don’t believe you.”
Spike eyed Giles carefully, showing the first glint of emotion since he’d come downstairs. “That soul belongs to me, Rupert. Why wouldn’t I want it back?”
“Let me think. So you can rape, murder and pillage without remorse?”
Spike feigned a gasp. “Oh right! I’d quite forgotten. Do you think I could trot upstairs and have a go at the girls while they’re brushing their pearly whites? So what if they’re all Slayers? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind donating a few pints.” He scoffed and shook his head. “Be serious, Rupert. You think I’d try something around this lot? Not to mention the fact that she’d kill me without blinking if I set so much as a toe out of line.” He gestured at Buffy, who looked away uncomfortably.
“Yes, because she’s been so hard on you with your mistakes in the past,” said Giles, eying them both scornfully.
“Giles, please…” begged Buffy, pressing a weary hand over her eyes.
The anger on Giles’ face melted slightly when he saw the way her shoulders wilted, but the glare he fixed on Spike had not diminished at all. “Forgive me, but I’m finding it rather difficult to trust you. Not with her or anyone else.”
“Funny,” Spike shot back, “it seems as if you were the one who tried to have me killed. Behind Buffy’s back, too. What was that you were saying about trust?”
“All right, already,” Buffy snapped, stepping in between them. “Giles? If you don’t like that Spike is without a soul right now, then help us figure out a way to get it back. Spike? Shut up. And if either one of you does something behind my back – and I do mean either of you – then I am through with you. For good, this time.”
Leaving her threat hanging heavily in the air, Buffy spun around and huffed up the stairs. Giles and Spike watched her disappear from sight and then glanced at each other. Neither said a word, but the unspoken challenge between them was obvious, even to the girls who had begun filing down the stairs to bed down for the night in the living room. They ducked their heads together and started to whisper loudly. Shooting Giles a final glare, Spike dumped his bowl noisily on the coffee table and thumped up the stairs after Buffy.
----------------
To be continued.
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