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Ch. 9: The Mark of a Ho?

The bell rang, and Buffy sprinted through the door, plopping into her seat and avoiding the reproving glances of her teacher. Willow tried to catch her eye, but Buffy was too busy trying to gather herself together and focus on getting into school mode.

As the class continued, she saw a note dropped onto her desk from Willow.

"Where were you first and second period? And lunch? What happened? Are you okay?" Buffy read. She rubbed her eyes and wrote back.

"Yeah, long night. Kinda stayed out late with Angel. I'll tell more later?" She folded up the note and handed it back to Willow. She still hadn't told Willow much about her rapidly developing relationship with Angel, and she didn't much feel like it now. It seemed odd to her; in talking about her crush on Spike, she would spend hours and hours, making Willow begin to gag with the overflow of Spike homage. With Angel, she simply didn't feel like talking about him. She had a sneaking suspicion that Willow wouldn't like Angel much, especially after she told her about the last 24 hours. Amazingly, Angel had convinced her to skip school and have brunch with him. He'd picked her up at the time that she would normally leave for school, and they had spent the morning at the bistro he'd mentioned earlier. They'd eaten and chatted, and then they'd made out in his car. All the food and fondling had made her tired, and she didn't want to deal with the repercussions of her impulsive actions. Before Willow could make eye contact with her, she started taking notes and tried to lose herself in her school work.

***

The end of school finally came, and Buffy collapsed at a table in the library to wait for Willow; they were supposed to meet there to grab some books and then hang out at her house for some much neglected girl time. She buried her head in her arms, simply tired from trying to focus on what her teachers had been saying for the past hours--and she hadn't even come for the whole day.

"Hey, Buffy. You okay?" Spike said as he approached the girl curled up at the table.

"Huh?" She peeked up, saw it was Spike, and then mumbled an vague answer.

"What'd you say?" He smiled slightly at her mussed hair and weary voice.

"I'm tired. Can't you see I'm tired," Buffy murmured into her arms. She was not quite ready to see Spike, having spent the morning envisioning him while making out with Angel. It was just a little unnerving to deal with the reality; her fantasy world seemed more attractive at the moment. And of course, reality was laughing at her, making Spike want to talk when she didn't want to. She groaned at the irony when she heard him pull up a chair next to her.

"I know you're tired, but I was thinking we should probably figure out a time to meet, since you stood me up yesterday. Mrs. Noxon said she wanted all the groups to turn in a paragraph on what we were planning on doing for tomorrow, to make sure we had started the assignment. Do you think we could meet tonight? I could come over around 7."

"Sure. That's fine," Buffy said quietly, trying to avoid eye contact. She was too exhausted to figure out why he was being so nice.

"Where were you this morning?" Spike tried to ask nonchalantly, but he was actually concerned. Buffy had never missed a day of school, and she did look a bit unwell.

"I was--Willow!" Buffy said excitedly, looking for a way to get out of lying about her absence. She jumped up and gave her a hug.

Willow looked a little surprised but hugged her friend anyway. "Hey, Buffy. Hey, Spike. What's up?" Willow dropped her heavy backpack to the floor and slumped into a chair. "Too many books."

Buffy slid back into her seat and asked, "What books do we have to get? Is it as bad as you're making it out to be?"

"Much, much worse. Mr. Flutie decided to assign a research paper, and we have to have ten sources. Ten sources! It's craziness! I mean, doesn't he realize that, well, we don't want to find ten sources? Even I think it's a little much. And we also have that English project. Not to mention all the regular tests we've been having in Calc and Physics. I just feel like my brain is going to explode, and not in a good learning-makes-me-happy way. More like a too-much-studying-is-bad way." Willow sighed. "But we have to just throw ourselves into it."

Buffy rubbed her eyes and then her temples. "Well, then, let's do it." She threw her hair back and tied it into a messy pile on top of her head. "I've got my study hair. Point me in the right direction."

Willow and Spike just stared at her.

"What? What are you guys looking at?" Buffy began to grow a little self-conscious.

"Looks like I know what you were doing this morning," Spike mumbled to himself.

"Huh?" Buffy remained oblivious.

"Um, Buffy?" Willow ventured slowly. "You have hickeys on your neck."

"What?!? I do not!" Buffy tried to look at her neck but--obviously--couldn't see anything. Her face began to grow red, and her fears jumped when she saw Willow's face. Buffy leaped to her feet and ran out of the library.

"Buffy, wait!" Willow called out. She immediately moved to follow her but then paused. "Spike, can you find these books for me? Please? I'll be right back. Thanks." Willow gave him a neatly printed list and then ran out after Buffy.

"Huh? How did I get stuck doing research?" Spike shut his eyes, sighed, and then got up to start finding the books.

***

"I'm a ho! I'm a ho, Willow!" Buffy sobbed as she rubbed her neck, as if she could rub away the marks.

"No, you're not." Willow patted Buffy's back, trying to comfort her while trying to grasp how her kiss-virgin friend now had hickeys up and down her neck.

Buffy hiccupped. "No, you don't understand. I skipped school this morning to be with Angel. Only hos skip school to go meet their boyfriends. And I made out in the car. How utterly ho-ish is that?" Buffy sulked and whined as she splashed water on her heated face. "I don't even know what's going on. I don't even like him that much. You're right when you said it was only because he said I was beautiful. Now even that's not enough. But for some reason he likes me, and that makes me do all these stupid things. Like skipping school. What if my mom finds out? And what if she sees these things on my neck? How am I going to cover them up? And did everyone else see them?" Buffy began crying again, holding onto the sink for support.

"Buffy, don't cry. You're not a ho." Willow pulled her up and faced her. "You're not a ho. But maybe you should break things off with him. You don't need him to tell you you're beautiful. You are. But it doesn't sound like he's worth skipping school and getting hickeys for." Willow brushed away some of her tears and hugged her. "Don't cheat yourself."

Buffy held onto her friend and tried to still her crying. "I know. It's just hard, now that you have a boyfriend. You're so happy, and Oz is so perfect for you. We used to be together in the whole 'No one thinks I'm beautiful' whine. And now you have someone, and it's harder to keep that up on my own." She sniffed loudly and reached for some toilet paper. "It's stupid for me to make out with Angel. It's just that I never made out with anyone. And it did feel good. He was a nice kisser. He made me feel pretty. But I don't really like him that much. If he didn't like me, I don't think I would've given him a second look. And then that makes me feel even worse." She blew her nose loudly and then threw her tissue towards the trash can, missing it completely.

"Just be honest with him. And then be happy just being you. If Nerdy Willow can date Oz the band guitarist, then Puffy Buffy can date someone just as cool. It's all about being okay with being Puffy Buffy. Except you're not Puffy, but I was just trying to make the comparison parallel, you know, grammatically?"

"I love you, Willow, you know that?" Buffy said, her pout slightly less obvious. "Now let's go get some ice cream."

"Actually, I can't do it after school today. I just got a note from the office saying Mom wants me to meet her at her work to help her with some things. I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow?" she said as they exited the bathroom.

"Okay. I guess I can eat ice cream by myself." Buffy smiled and tried to get herself back in place.

When they returned to the library, Spike was bringing the last book to the table.

"You're the best, Spike. Thank you so much. We'll all benefit from this. I promise," Willow said, eagerly poring over the books Spike had gathered. "Oh, I gotta run. I'll see you guys tomorrow?" she said behind a large stack of books.

"Yeah, okay, Wills," Buffy said. "God, I hope she doesn't hurt herself." She then turned to face Spike, who was packing his stuff up. "Leaving?"

"Yeah, got things to do. Looks like you had things to do yourself," he said, his voice heavily implying sexual escapades.

Buffy flinched at the obvious insinuation, and it angered her, her emotions already raw from her crying and self-consciousness. "What the hell do you care?"

"I don't." Spike cringed a little when he heard the harshness in his voice, but the words had just come out as a reflex to her biting tone. He hadn't meant to be so mean, but she always seemed to bring it out in him, and he wasn't exactly happy that she had been messing around with that stupid college guy.

Buffy's eyes saddened for a moment and then hardened to a dark green. She narrowed her eyes at him and then spat out, "Then I guess this conversation is over." She spun around and walked away quickly.

Buffy walked straight out of the school, her feet pounding against the tiled floor. Her face remained hardened with determination to keep Spike from ungluing her, and she kept it up until she finally found herself in her room. And then she broke. She flung her body onto the bed and hugged Mr. Gordo. Her eyes were slowly filling up with tears, and she curled into a ball, allowing her emotions to wash over her. She was making out with a guy that she didn't totally like and fighting with a guy that she wanted and had wanted since the first day they had been seated next to each other. She was skipping class, getting hickeys, staying out late, and for what? For a guy who was mediocre? A guy who thought she was pretty? Buffy's tears increased as she reflected on the stupidity of her situation, until she finally fell asleep.





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