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MAKE HER OWN WAY


Chapter 17: ‘Dear Will’


A/N: I’m popping in here with this chappie right now, I was going to wait until tomorrow, but….Thanks for reading, luv Spuf


Spike picked up the white envelope with his name written on it, in Buffy’s fine handwriting. He automatically slipped the ring into his pants pocket and stood up raising himself from off the floor, slowly, wiping the tears from his face. Resisting the urge to go pour himself a drink, he sat down on the couch, allowing Mr. Gordo to slink up and snuggle in his lap. ‘He knows,’ Spike reasoned, ‘damn cat knows she’s gone and his heart’s bloody broken, just like mine.’ More tears began to flow down his cheeks, but he ignored them and opened the envelope, dreading what he was about to read:


Dear Will,

If you are reading this, of course you know that I have left you and our home. It was not something I did in the heat of the moment, certainly I do not take it lightly and I hope you realize why I have left. In case you do not understand all of my reasons for leaving, I will try and explain them to you the best I can in this goodbye letter. I love you, I’m afraid I always will, so please don’t believe that I’ve stopped, I have not. However, as much as I love you and I know you love me, I cannot continue to live with you, much less marry you now.

When I found out about the pills that you switched with mine I was devestated and not just because of your deceit. I realized in that moment how truly controlling you have become where our love is concerned, something that not only troubles me but confuses me. Will, when have I ever given you any reason to doubt by love, loyalty or devotion to you? If your insecurity about me is so overwhelming to you, you need to look within yourself and ask these questions: ‘Why would Buffy not marry me? She loves me, is faithful to me and respects me.’ This is all too true, regarding my feelings for William that is. Spike, unfortunately, is another story. Over our three years together, I’ve come to know the good man, kind and loving man that is my William. I adore you William, I love you more then my own life and value the time we’ve had together. However, your alter ego ‘Spike’ is an absolute horror to me. He stays hidden, for long periods of time, keeping his ruthless and controlling nature from me, lulling me into a sense of safety and happiness. It’s true, Spike belongs in the world of Rupert Giles and his trappings. I understand that, but as your lover or your wife, eventually I would have to come to realize that the two worlds of William and Spike will always collide into each other. Please don’t think I’m accusing you of a split personality or any such nonsense, but you have allowed yourself, your Spike self that is, to be tangled up in your Father’s world, his ruthlessness, his love of power and money. Sometimes I really fear that you will never be your own man or free yourself of your Father’s overwhelming tyranny. I love you and your family, but I cannot stand what you have become in your battle to acquire everything you ‘think’ you want. I’ve stayed and watched you allow money, power and even your Father to become your Gods, all the while overlooking your ruthless ways in which you worship them.

I did something last Tuesday that I am not proud of, something that I would never have thought of doing even a month ago, at least not before the pill fiasco. When you discussed the Travers Inc. business with Rupert on the telephone, I listened in, overheard everything that you and he plotted to bring poor Quentin Travers to his knees. To think that the William that I love more then life would even consider using a poor sick young man’s illness to blackmail his Grandfather, probably the only person in his life who loves him, into releasing his insignificant, meaningless company to you and Dad? Will, this is past wrong on so many levels, it’s self-destructive, it’s evil. What did this poor kid ever do to you, I mean personnally, or to me? I realized right then, that my William was lost, Spike had taken over and won and I also realized that part of it was my fault. You see, I don’t hate Spike, in fact, at one time I found his cocky, self assured winner take all attitude to be extremely attractive; you overwhelmed me Will/Spike, made me fall in love with all of you.

Please believe me that I was never in this for the ride, the money, the apartment. I was in it for you, all of you, hoping that our love would cause you to change your ways, at least in business or where your Father was concerned. My Mother told me many times, you can’t change someone, they have to want to change, I guess I thought you’d want to change, for me, for us. It breaks my heart to do this, I love you so much, but I have to be strong for us both. As far as my leaving, where I’m going, where I’ll end up……I’m the only one who knows at this time where my final destination is. My parents, Dawnie, our friends, none of them have any clue where I’m headed. I feel I’ve had to do this this way because frankly William, you scare the hell out of me right now. As much as I love you, do you have any idea how much I resent the fact that I have to ‘hide’ from you, my family everyone I love just to separate from you at this time? I’m telling you this in this letter because I know you Will, you’ll tear Sunnydale and LA apart looking for me, it’s your nature to do this. So, I’m advising you to ‘save your time, energy and resources’ no one knows where I’m going but me and I assure you will never be able to find me if you so choose to try to. Again, as much as I love you, Will, we need to be apart, you just refused to listen to me when I tried to tell you this and I cannot take another upheaval that occurred the other day. I’m not that strong.

I want you to know that the only things I’m taking with me from our place is my beloved Art Books, a few pieces of clothing and shoes and the black leather jacket I just bought. I hope this is okay, I truly need some clothing to look for a job and I only took what I absolutely needed. The rest of the clothing I left in the closet, along with some writings your Mother gave me while we were in England. This is your poetry that your Mother was kind enough to share with me, it’s lovely Will and it causes me pain to know you gave up composing it. Anyway, all of the other jewelry, keys to the Corvette and the registration and pink slip are in the wall safe. About Mr. Gordo; I love him dearly, but so do you, Will and I feels that he belongs to you now. I really think you two need each other and I know you’ll take great care of him.

I hope only the best for you Will, I love you that much. I just wish that my feelings for you could have been enough to help ‘us’ work better. Please take care and don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Remember please to take your darn vitamins and eat right (me being bossy again) but you’re too thin sometimes and it worries me. Also, try not to smoke so much, for your own sake. I love you, I love you, I love you more then life, please, please believe that.



Love Always, Buffy


By the time he’d gotten through the first paragraph, Spike was crying like a school boy and not the least bit ashamed of it. After all, Buffy wasn’t there to see his weakness, she was gone to only God knew where. He clutched poor Mr. Gordo to his chest, so tight the tubby tabby cried out in protest, but he couldn’t help it, Spike buried his head into the orange cat’s soft fur and sobbed his heart out.

After he cried out the initial shock of pain he’d been hit with, Spike began to be hit by more dangerous emotions, at least for him. Panic started to seep up into his body, threading it’s way up through his chest and into his brain, followed by it’s counterpart, anger. “What the fuck was she thinking!” he roared droppping poor Gordo on the couch next to him. The cat took off on a run, making a direct path for the extra bedroom door, apparently he could sense the ‘mood change’ in Spike and headed for cover. Spike stormed over to the bar and poured himself a huge helping of liquid courage which he downed in one gulp and refilled with another shot. He ran his left hand through his hair, trying to calm down enough to think of a plan of action. “Where is she?” he asked his reflection in the bar mirror, “where the fuck is she?” Buffy had said, clearly, that she was not at her parents in LA and no one knew where she went, he simply believed her. “She doesn’t lie to me, ever,” he reasoned, “so where the bloody hell is she? What’s she going to do, how’s she going to live?” His whimpering questions left him feeling weak and disgusted with himself, but he couldn’t help it. At this point, he was more worried about her then he was angry with her, the anger could come later.

Lighting a cigarette, indifferent to the no smoking in the apartment rule, at this point, he began to pace around and drink the large tumbler of whiskey. “What if she gets lost somewhere,” he muttered, alternating between sips of alcohol and drags of smoke. “What if some monster, the human kind, gets his hands on her and hurts her? She’s so damn tiny and defenseless and I love her so much. It’ll just fucking kill me!” Spike felt the tears begin again and fought them, desperately, “pull yourself together, mate,” he rasped. “You need to think this out proper.” An ugly thought niggled at the back of his mind, no matter how hard he tried to push it away, it taunted him. ‘What if she ran back to Angel, Spike?’ it laughed, ‘what then?’ “No way!” he roared again, slamming the whiskey glass onto the bar and cracking it into pieces. “Fuck!” he roared again, ignoring the alcohol streaming onto the carpet and the blood, his blood intermingled with it. He grabbed his cell phone and speed dialed Charles Gunn’s number. When his employee answered his cell phone, Spike didn’t even give the man a chance to take a breath, much less say hello. “Buffy’s left me,” he stated, his voice sounded like gravel on cement. Charles didn’t say anything, he seemed shocked by his boss’s announcement. Finally, Gunn asked quietly, “what do you want us to do?”

“She didn’t go to her parents, Charles,” Spike informed him, “didn’t go anywhere that I can think of, she just dissapeared. I want you to get everyone on our payroll who’s good at this, the best ones that is, fuck, hire more people if you have to, but just find her for me! And Charles he added, send that poncey buddy of yours, Wesly down to LA, have him look up Angel O’Connor. I don’t want that fuck to be too intimidated by us, if he knows anything about Buffy, and won’t tell Wesley, then we’ll send someone more convincing. Do you understand?” Charles sighed heavily, “yes Spike, but could I maybe give you some advice, as a friend, not an employee?” Spike tensed up, “yeah, I suppose,” he responded harshly. “If Buffy needed to leave you, felt she had to run like this, don’t you think you should stop and consider ‘her’ wishes in the matter? I mean, what’s gonna’ happen if we do find her? What then?” Spike thought about what the man had said, for about a second that is, “well, Charles, ‘when’ we find Buffy, don’t let anyone go near her. Just leave that part up to me. I’ll be the one to drag her back to Sunnydale, she’s mine after all.”

“Oh, and Charles,” he continued curtly, “don’t go around the Summers’ family. Buffy told me that she wasn’t going to even let them know where she went, I believe her. Anyway, if anyone is going to ‘discuss’ Buffy with her family, it’ll be me.” He clicked off his cell phone and tossed it on the bar, finally noticing his bleeding hand in the process. “Fucking bitch!” he shouted angrily, “when I find her, I’ll drag her arse back here kicking and screaming if I have to!” He lit up another cigarette and opened the sliding glass door to the balcony. Once he was outside, he picked up the ashtray Buffy had so lovingly set out there for him and carried it back inside to the living room. Catching sight of his reflection in the bar mirror, he thought about his Princess Buffy, the one he’d go to hell for if he had to. “I’ll get you back, Princess,” he hissed at the mirror, “your mine and no one elses!” With that, he flung the ashtray at his reflection, shattering the mirror into hundreds of pieces.



A/N: Hope that was, uhm, a nuclear enough reaction from Will/Spike? Thanks for reading, please review. In the next chapter we ‘might’ find out where Buffy went, but William will not. Luv, Spuf

AAN: I feel so bad…I can’t get into the view review section to respond to the lovely reviews I’ve gotten. I don’t know what happened? Anyway, please know I love reviews, and this site…Thanks, Luv, S

Ahhhgggg! I'm banging my head against the computer!
I can't get into 'view reviews'! Okay, to answere some questions here and now...

Yes, Spike is pissed beyond words!!!
No, neither Spike nor Buffy is looking for anyone else to replace the other one.
Yes, Spike will diligently look for his Buffy!
Yes, Buffy is hidiing, big time.
Yes, there are other twists in this plot...
Sigh...Spuf is frutstrated!
Okay, I know the people who have reviewed this already probably won't see this!!!
Ahhhggg! I believe in responding to reviews!
Sorry...
Luv, spuf





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