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Chapter 28: "It’s There"

Rated: NC17

Disclaimer: See first chapter

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Buffy walked through the front door of her house just as the sun was setting over Sunnydale. After leaving Dr. Morris’s office, she’d found herself wandering aimlessly around town, still reeling from the news Dr. Morris had given her, trying to let it fully sink in. She couldn’t, no, -wouldn’t- let herself believe she was no longer pregnant. She’d even gone to the drugstore and purchased several pregnancy tests. Sure, they could prove that Dr. Morris had been right, but she hoped that just maybe, they would prove the opposite.

Buffy climbed the stairs up to the second floor slowly, in an almost zombie like state. She made her way to the bathroom near her room and entered it, closing the door softly behind her.

The plastic bag she held in her hand was dropped carelessly to the floor by her feet. Lifting her head, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked like hell. Her hair was tied loosely into a ponytail, and her clothes seemed to hang off her body like a second skin. Her eyes gave no hint of any emotion, but deep inside she was dying. She knew it was stupid to be so bothered by this, why should she care that she no longer carried Spike’s baby? She should be rejoicing, celebrating the fact that she had her normal life back. But then again, nothing about her life was normal in the first place. Maybe that’s what it was. That the baby, her baby, had made her feel normal, that the life that had once been growing inside of her showed her that she could reproduce like every other woman. It made her feel normal, not unique, not like the Slayer. And now it was gone and she was once again the Slayer with nothing to live for- only everything to die for.

Buffy gripped the edge of the counter and lowered her head. She closed her eyes and started to take short, deep breathes. She felt sick. Nauseous. Why did this have to happen to her?

Buffy still had her head lowered and was so deep in her own thoughts that she didn’t hear the door open. Not until she felt a cool hand against her flesh did her eyes open and her head lift up. She looked in the mirror to see who it was, and then realized how pointless the action was, she knew who the hand belonged to and said person would not be reflected in the mirror.

Buffy stood unmoving as the hand on her arm moved around her waist, coming to rest just under her breasts. She should stop him, but she really wanted his touch right now- needed his touch. Her eyes focused on her image in the mirror and she watched as the hem of her shirt was slowly lifted to reveal her stomach. Her eyes closed once more as the hand returned to her skin, this time resting directly on her abdomen. A soft sigh escaped her lips as a gentle kiss was placed on her neck. She moved her head to the side, giving him better access. He kissed his way down the curve of her neck, then back up to the area just below her ear. The hand that had remained dormant on her abdomen started to move its way further up until it came into contact with one firm globe and closed around it.

Now it was time to end this before it got to far.

"Spike…not now." Buffy said, her voice sounding unconvincing even to herself.

"I can’t," Spike told her, kissing her along her jaw line now. "Can’t stop touching you. Don’t wanna."

Buffy whimpered. Maybe she should give in? Let herself feel something, anything, other than what she was feeling now? But, no she couldn’t. She had to tell him. He had a part in this too, and he had the right to know that the baby was gone.

Before Buffy could say anything at all, Spike stopped his ministrations. He’d caught sight of the bag on the floor and he detangled his hand from around her to reach down for it. Lifting it up close to his chest, he opened it up and peered inside.

"Wha’s this for?" He asked, taking a box out and holding it up.

Buffy turned to answer him. She took the box out of his hand and set it on the counter beside the sink. Keeping her head down, she began.

"Spike," she began, "early this morning, or maybe it was late last night, I had this dream. When I woke up, I had this funny feeling about the baby."

Spike’s grip on the bag loosened and it dropped back to the floor. He stared at her intently, waiting for her to continue with the story. Deep down, he did not like the feeling that this was giving him.

"I went to see Dr. Morris and she did an ultrasound." She paused before beginning again. "So they could see the baby, monitor its heart rate, tell if everything is progressing the way it should-"

"I know what they are, Slayer," Spike sighed. "Just get ta’ the point."

Spike knew he had sounded harsh just then, but he was fast approaching the point of not caring. There was something wrong and she wasn’t telling him. He just wanted to know what it was, without all the lengthy storytelling.

"There is no point," Buffy admitted.

Spike furrowed his brows at this. He gestured to the bag on the floor and asked, "Then wha’s with all this?"

"The baby didn’t show up on the ultrasound. Dr. Morris didn’t know if something was wrong with the machine or if-" She bit her knuckle for a long moment, swallowing the sob that threatened to escape. "She didn’t flat out say it, but I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not pregnant."

"Wha'? I mean wouldn’t you know if somethin’ like that were true? Woman instinct an’ all that rot?" Spike insisted. He was trying to understand everything she was saying, but also trying to fight the overwhelming emptiness that seemed to settle like a wet blanket over his body. What if the baby really was gone? What would happen then? Would they go back to being mortal enemies again? Granted, they still were, but after being with her, being in her bed, in her arms, he didn’t know if he wanted to do that. If he could do that. What was he saying? Why should he care if the baby was gone? Wasn’t that what he’d wanted? To go back to the way things had been? Like Dru had said, "In the end, everything will be the way it was." Not like being the father of the Slayer’s child would have been good for the rep. The baby being gone should be a good thing- right?

"That’s why I got the tests," Buffy informed him, "my gut is telling me that Dr. Morris is wrong. But, I won’t know until I take these tests."

"Then take ‘em," Spike told her, reaching around her to grab the box off the counter. He thrust it at her. "Well?" He frowned when she didn’t take it, only stared at the small box in front of her.

"I have to do this alone," She told him, reluctantly taking the box from his grasp, "please go."

"No." Spike argued. "As much as I hate the fact that I am a part of your life now…" He was lying, more and more he was beginning to dislike the idea of no longer being in her life. And it scared him to know that if what she was saying was true, then it would quickly become a reality. "This involves me too."

Buffy sighed roughly. "Spike, I don’t really want you to watch me pee on a stick."

Spike blanched at her statement. That wasn’t something he wanted to see either. As much as he loved seeing her naked and imagining her naked, he wanted to keep that visual as far away from his fantasies as possible.

"Right then," he said, back peddling quickly towards the door. "I’ll just be…waitin’ in your room."

Buffy watched as Spike opened the bathroom door and slipped out into the hallway. When he was gone she turned to face the mirror again. Glancing down at the package in her hand she let out a weary sigh.

"Have to face this sometime," She told herself before ripping open the box.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An hour later and Spike was still sitting on the Slayer’s bed, waiting. He’d been able to hear her in the bathroom, moving around, for the past forty minutes. But, at the forty minute mark, everything had grown silent. He had waited, like he said he would, for her to come get him, tell him the news. She still hadn’t come. And the wait was about to drive him mad. Finally his impatience got the better of him and he bolted off the bed and stomped his way down the hall to the bathroom. When he reached the door, he pressed his ear to the wood and listened. Tiny, barely audible sobs coming from Buffy were all he needed to yank the door open to find out what was the verdict.

He froze just inside the doorframe as his eyes caught sight of Buffy, curled up on the tile floor by the toilet. His resolve broke. He moved to her quickly and knelt by her side. Brushing a stray hair out of her face he asked, "What is it?"

Buffy unconsciously turned toward him, maneuvering herself until she was nestled against his body. Comfort was what she was seeking, and his was what she craved right now. Who he was and what they were didn’t matter right now. Nothing mattered right now.

"Buffy."

"I don’t know," Buffy whispered into his shirt. "I don’t know."

Spike placed his hands on her upper arms and pushed her back a little, so he could look at her. "Don’t know what, luv?"

"The tests," she managed to get out through her tears. "Positive. Negative. Positive. Negative." She mumbled over and over.

Spike cursed under his breath. He yanked Buffy up to her feet, ignoring the protest that came from the woman still trying to burrow herself into his chest. He should have done this a long time ago. Shoulda never trusted science over his own, natural, instinct.

He pushed Buffy up against the wall, gently so as not to hurt her. When he was sure she would remain there, and not fall back to the floor into a fetal position, he knelt in front of her. His hands caught the bottom of her shirt and started to lift, but he was halted by Buffy’s voice.

"Spike, please don’t," She cried, looking down at him with watery eyes.

Spike stared at her for a minute before going back to the task of lifting her shirt. "Trust me…." Was all he said as he placed his ear against her now exposed stomach.

He listened. And listened. And listened, for what seemed like hours. Until finally he heard it. It was faint but it was there. The tiniest heartbeat. He sighed in relief.

Spike pulled down her shirt and straightened up. He hooked his finger under Buffy’s chin and lifted it. Slowly he leaned in and placed the softest kiss on her lips. So many emotions were running through him at that very moment, he was unsure of how he truly felt. But one feeling was very clear. He was happy that their baby was still inside her, growing. He was glad she still had a part of him.

Pulling back and resting his forehead against hers he whispered, "It’s there."

Buffy stopped crying when she heard him. "What?" She asked, afraid she hadn’t heard right.

"The baby."

"You heard?"

"A heartbeat," he assured her. "A tiny heartbeat, beating a mile a minute."

Buffy choked on a sob as it tried to escape her throat, a smile slowly forming on her face. A heartbeat. Spike had heard one, which meant the baby wasn’t gone. She was still pregnant. Relief flooded through her at the thought, and she wrapped her arms around Spike’s neck, pulling his body flush with hers. She buried her face into his neck and breathed deeply.

"Thank you." She whispered against his skin. “Thank you.”...





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