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While Buffy took a quick shower, Spike sat on the edge of the bed trying to figure out his next move. The past hour had been amazing, mind blowing and the hundreds of other adjectives that were used to describe great sex. But that all it had been, sex he thought sourly. His body had been sated but not his heart. That was still starving for more. But it had given him a piece of much needed insight. Buffy Winters wasn’t afraid of death but she was terrified of feeling alive. She had seen his intimate overture and spent all night trying to turn it into something that wouldn’t mean anything. Which was why he figured she wouldn’t share her blood. That would require that she trusted him and that would make it personal. For her sex wasn’t personal it was just another way of doing business.

She never said it but he knew she wanted to die. He didn’t think she was suicidal by any means but she was seeking the sweet oblivion of death just the same. She couldn’t race out to embrace it willingly, no matter how bad she wanted it or else all the people in her past that sucked the hope out of her would win. That was something he understood, hell he had doing the same thing with Angel for more than a century. He had no intention of being dusted until he climbed out of his grandsire’s shadow and had his taste of the spotlight. But for Buffy, she wasn’t reaching for the brass ring and she didn’t give a damn about climbing to the top of the peak and staring down, she fought just to fight. She lived each day just to wait for the thing strong enough to take her out. There was no shame in being beaten but it was cowardly to just give in and he knew that is why she fought. She wasn’t looking for something that meant enough to her to fight for, because she had no intentions of wining the final battle.

If he died this moment, his lost thoughts would be full of the things he should have said or thing he should have done while he was still alive but Buffy wouldn’t have a single thing to regret. She had lived under the shadow of death for so long that she could go in peace with out a single glance back. He was certain that if she actually had something in her life worth living for, she wouldn’t be able to do that. You can’t find peace if you’re holding on to the things you left behind.

If he loved her less, he would let her fade away into the dark. But love made him greedy and he wanted her alive. It helped that he believed one good moment, one good day made all the other miserable ones worth living though. Her destiny was to become a slayer while his was to love one…her. In the past draining a slayer was his idea of a right good day but now he was determined to make one live to find her own. Putting it that way, even to himself, made him question the existence of omnipotent higher power. What kind of brilliant being would decide that a soulless vampire was the perfect person to teach a slayer how to live and love, he asked himself shaking his head in disbelief. He was beginning to think it was someone’s idea of a cosmic joke at his expense.

Then she walked back into the room wearing a pair of red leather pants, paired with a black silk camisole that revealed the rising swells of her breasts and instead of feeling like a fool for love, he felt blessed. “Ready to go luv?”

“If you want to go ahead of me, I’ll understand,” Buffy said reaching down to slide a stake into the back of her boot. The boots had a loop that was intended to help the wearer pull them on but she had found they held a stake perfectly. There was plenty of give in the leather so she could walk comfortably with it setting there and since stilettos were not really suited for slayer games, she had brought along these boots knowing they would be perfect. Which was why she had a stake handy during her fight with him yesterday.

“Embarrassed to be seen with me pet?” Spike asked getting to his own feet.

“Actually I was thinking you might be embarrassed to be seen with me. If we show up together they are going to know what we’ve been doing and I don’t want to make things harder for you.”

“You’re not my whore Buffy. If I just wanted to shag, I could have gone to someone else. I feel something for you, we have a connection.”

“That’s sweet but I do a lot of ‘connecting’. It was fun but that‘s all it was. Don‘t try to make it anything more than that.” Buffy said crossing her arms over her chest.

“Think what you like pet and so will I.” He crossed the room to stand in front of her. “I know where you live now, you want your life to be as cold and as bleak as your name. You’ve spent years trapped in the winter of your discord and you don’t intend to live to see the spring. I’m not asking you for anything but even if this goes nowhere, there is still one thing I can give you. Even if you won’t accept anything else.”

“Yeah and what is that?”

“I will remember you.” Slowly he reached out and laid his hand over her heart. “Even after this stops beating, I will remember the lines of your face and the scent of your skin. I will mourn you and I will never forget a single moment I spent with you.”

He had somehow found out her private nightmare…would anyone remember her when she was gone. She was going to die sooner or later and she knew that she didn’t have a single friend who would miss her. She had acquaintances, people like Angel and the others here that she had let into her life fleetingly but not a single person she actually considered a real friend. If she died tonight, all those people would feel sorry that she had died but it wouldn’t be long before her name slipped from their memories. She wanted to go through this life alone, it had always been her choice to not form lasting friendships. So she knew it was silly to worry that no one would ever lay flowers on her grave. But she couldn’t help feeling that if no-one remembered her after her death then her life had been pointless. “Why would you do that? I mean you barely know me.”

“Because you matter and because you’re the first person I have ever met that treats me like a man instead of a monster. That means something to me, you mean something to me.” He told her pulling his hand away. “I’m offering to be your friend Buffy, it doesn’t have to be more than that for you. My thoughts and feelings about you are my own and you don’t have to return them but you can’t force me to stop caring about you.”

It was just a crush, she thought staring into his eyes and the more he got to know her it would fade. But she couldn’t see the harm in letting him be her friend. She would soon be back in LA and every once in a while he would come to see her and she might come down here to see him. It wouldn’t change her life drastically and maybe just maybe his private fear was the same as hers. From what she had seen last night it wasn’t like anyone here would remember him fondly if he was gone. So they were both getting something out of the arrangement, she rationalized. Blowing out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, she gave him a slight nod. “Friends it is, but that doesn’t mean we have to make a big deal out of it. I’m not expecting birthday cards and Christmas presents so you shouldn’t either. And I’m not handing back the two hundred I took from you at cards last night.”

Relieved and feeling like they were finally taking a step in the right direction, he sent her a quick wink. “Well since you fleeced the Scoobies out of all their cash as well, it’s not likely they will play with us again anytime soon but if there’s time between the fighting, I might take you to another game in town.”

Since they were already late as it was, she headed to the door. “Yeah does it pay well?”

“It depends pet…are you fond of kittens?” He asked following behind her.


***Yes, I know that I completely skipped over their first sexual encounter. NO I didn't do it to be mean, there is a method to my madness. Like Spike figured out, it wasn't something that mattered to her so when it does, I promise I will give it the time an attention it deserves. But since Spike wasn't fulfiled it is only fair that you readers aren't either...that way you will be looking forward to her finally letting herself feel for him as much as he is. But I can understand, if you don't see it that way. Please send all hate mail and angry retorts to this chapter to Revello1620@yahoo.com. I will answer as many as possible in a timely fashion but since I am expecting a virtual flurry of replies, please be patient. :) ****





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