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Without a word Spike chased after her, a thousand questions burning through his mind like matches being lit and left to burn out on their own. He had seen her face after she had hung up on Angel and instead of the anger he had been expecting there was naked fear raw and trembling in her eyes. Her skin, already pale to begin with had gone translucent and he could clearly see the veins of color beneath it’s creamy surface. It had filled him with a dread so deep and encompassing that his body ached to turn around expecting some undefeatable monster standing just behind him. But he had been more afraid to take his eyes off of her, certain that if he did she would have faded and slipped into the air never to be seen again. He knew that whatever had inspired that great and stunning fear in her, had been for her eyes alone.

His body was burning, his muscles begging for a moments respite but he couldn’t afford to stop now, when he was already so far behind her. She was streaking through the night like a falling star and if he couldn’t catch her…he didn’t think she would ever be able to shine again. Whatever had happened during her phone conversations had stripped the control away from her and now he understood that her control had been the force behind her power. With that gone, her neutrality was in jeopardy and tonight she could lose her soul in truth by shedding innocent blood. Spike didn’t claim to give a damn about the innocent, his own hands were forever stained and his past sins would always remain but he knew she would never be able to survive if she allowed herself to become a monster…even if it had happened from a temporary foray into madness.

Behind him he heard Faith, her breath coming in great wolfing pants and on any other night the slayer would have been able to out run him easily…but not tonight. Fear and love were pushing him to catch Buffy and not even Faith’s slayer strength could match that. As for him, he was using all of his vampiric senses and abilities at the same time but desperation had made him clumsy. He felt his foot catch in a partially exposed tree root and he knew before his hands hit the ground that he had failed her. Jumping back to his feet, he scanned the horizon searching for some sign of her blonde hair glinting in the moonlight but all he saw was the empty night around him. Unwilling to give up, he started to charge in the direction he had last seen her take when Faith suddenly tackled him from behind.

Snarling he tried to shove her off, but her thin arms wrapped around him like steel bands. “I have to go after her.” He yelled at her still trying to pull away.

“Neither one of us can catch her now but we can try to find out what in the hell is going on. Whatever it is we can fix it or atleast try to help her get past it.” Faith said feeling lightheaded from her nearly breathless pursuit coupled with those two simple sentences. Spike didn’t need to breathe but if he kept chasing after her, his body would rip apart, to be honest she didn’t know how he had kept such up such a brutal pace for so long. She didn’t want to question why he was so desperate to help Buffy, right now she was just grateful. “Besides if you come along, you get to listen to me tear into Angel for whatever it was he did to tick her off. “

Spike pulled away from her and got to his feet, knowing that she had a point. “I wouldn’t want to miss that now would I?” As hard as it was to accept, Buffy wouldn’t want his help right now so he could give her a little time and find out what was going on. Maybe all she needed was an hour or so to calm down, get her bearings back, he decided getting to his feet and if she wasn‘t back before then…well then he would bloody well go and find her.

_________________________________________


Once she no longer heard the footsteps chasing after her, Buffy had slowed down to take some air into her scorching lungs. She had run away in the opposite direction of the main strip knowing that in town there would be people and that wasn’t what she was looking for right now. Solitude was what she was so desperately seeking and as she found herself being absorbed into a large forest she knew that she had made the right choice. The light streamed down into the trees casting them in shadows and she could hear the sound of crickets singing to the moon. That was something she couldn’t find in LA, there it was a concrete jungle and the sounds of the night reflected that in every way. The hum of engines, songs blaring, the click clack of high heels against the street, those were the sounds of her world…the world she had just lost. It wasn’t as soothing as these new sounds but it was familiar and it was home.

The trees suddenly parted and she found herself staring at a silvery pool that was so absolutely still that it was almost like looking in a mirror. She could see across the to the other side but after years of only knowing the vastness of the often turbulent ocean, it was comforting to see the beginning, middle and end of something all at the same time. Sitting down on a partially rotted, fallen log, she stared into the glassy waters hoping that the pond would reveal the future for her as well.

She saw herself, floating in a sea of blackness and for the first time in her memory, she felt unbearably alone. Which was what she had wanted but apparently not even she knew what she wanted anymore, she thought glumly.

“What are you?” Asked a deep voice from behind her, to far away to reflect their face in the pond.

“I don’t know,” she admitted not taking her eyes off of her face in the water.

“What am I?”

Turning, she took in the half man, half machine with a few extra things she couldn’t name and shrugged. “I don’t know that either.”

“You appear human but I can tell that you are not.” Adam said walking over to stand beside her.

“I used to be but I am not anymore.” He looked intimidating but since he hadn’t offered her any violence, she patted the empty space beside her on the log. “What about you, do you miss being human?”

Puzzled, he sat down beside her. He had an insatiable need to understand this world that had created him and so far she was the most incomprehensible human like being he had met. “I barely remember the man whose body was used to create me, so I can not answer that. But I do understand that this form is more powerful than the human shell, so I am pleased with the body I inhabit.”

That was something they had in common, she decided, there was a lot of bodies in her past that she couldn’t remember either. He also had a good point about being more powerful but she knew that all the power in the world couldn’t take away the feeling of being alone, it just made it more obvious. “How can you be so sure you like this new you, better if you can’t remember what it was like before? How do you know you weren’t happier before whatever happened to change you into what you are now?”

He thought about her question for a moment but his data processors could not give him a satisfactory answer. “I cannot be certain because the memories can not be recovered from my data cells. But the human body was harvested after being killed in action, so life in any form must be more satisfactory than death.”

“Do you have a name?” Buffy asked softly.

“I was called Adam by my creator, I in turn called her mother. What are you called?”

“Buffy, my name is Buffy.” She offered him her hand. When he shook it lightly in his own as if he was afraid to break her, she smiled at him.

“Do you miss being human Buffy?”

“No, not really.”

“Then why are you not pleased with what you have become?” Adam asked, struggling to understand her.

That made her think about Spike, another person she seemed to have a lot in common with. “I am trapped in a life that I don‘t want. My life before wasn’t perfect or ideal but atleast it was mine.”

“So you were more content in your human shell?”

“No…it wasn’t that I was really happy as a pure human either but atleast then I was the one who got to decide what I would become. This power was forced on me against my will and you shouldn’t be forced to accept things you don’t want.”

“Then why don’t you use the power to fight to become free?” Adam asked cocking his head, trying to decipher the look on her face.

“It’s not that simple,” Buffy said, sighing deeply. “My life isn’t that simple. In a way the only person I came blame is myself. I got involved with someone and instead of finishing the job I started I trusted someone else to do it for me. Which was stupid given my past history and when they let me down, I had to make a deal. I had some choices to make, they weren’t good choices but still I had a choice. So I guess you could say I trapped myself.”

“That is counterproductive. I do not understand you because you are flawed.”

“Flawed is one way to put it, I like to think of myself as bitter and jaded.”

“You would operate at maximum efficiency if you discarded your humanity. Then you would be able to find your freedom again. I can help you do that. I can make you like me and your upgrades would clear your mind of the insignificant details that are causing you to be self destructive.”

She felt more than saw his arm coming towards her and on instinct she threw herself into the pond, jerking when she felt something sharp cut across her arm. The brief flash of pain was instantly numbed by the chilled water and she pushed herself down knowing that with all of that hardware, he wouldn’t be able to follow. To her surprise it was much deeper than it had appeared and she found herself heading down through the dark water, with nothing but a quickly indrawn breath in her lungs.

Time had no meaning in the murky water, her own body was the clock counting down to the end. It wasn’t long before she had reached the point of no return. If she went down into the soothing black any further then she wouldn’t have enough air to make it back to the top and for a second she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.

That thought gave her a badly needed moment of clarity…Adam had been right, she was self destructive. All she knew was that she had been fighting against everything for to damn long to destroy herself now. Her body shifted in the water as she turned to head back up to the pain and away from the tranquil depths but her mind had shifted track as well. Her life, any life was defined by the choices made in the process of living and tonight in two separate events she had made the same choice. That had to mean something, she thought breaking the surface of the water in a high arch. Taking a few deep breaths into her lungs. Treading water she scanned the shoreline and spotted Adam. “Thanks for the offer Adam but I chose to be human and flawed.”

“I understand that you fear death but there would be no pain.” Adam told her calmly, trying to make her understand what he was offering her.

“If there wasn’t any pain what in the hell would be the point. All the things in life that are worth having hurt. I’d rather take the pain than be a bunch of assorted parts that don’t add up.”

“You would be reborn, your new upgrades would give you the power to do anything you wished.”

“Yeah, well I want to go swimming.” She shot back, splashing for effect. “Care to join me or do those all powerful upgrades you keep saying make you so much better than us human shells, trap you right there on the shore?”

“I am changing the worlds of both the demons and the humans. Soon many others will be like I am. I will give you some time to think about all that I am offering you but I will improve you by force if you give me no other choice.”

After he walked away, she stayed in the center of the pond making sure that he wasn’t waiting for her just inside the forest. After a while her teeth began to chatter and she knew that she had no other choice but to swim to the bank. The second her feet hit dry land, she ran. Only this time she was running to something, instead of away. Actually she was running to someone, she thought thinking on Spike’s earlier offer of friendship. Right now what she really needed was a friend, she decided making her way back through the forest and into town.





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