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***Maybe by the end of this chapter you will understand the point I was alluding to in the last chapter but just incase it is still a mystery, ask yourself what could Buffy have seen in Angel and Spike's pasts that could make her doubt his love for her? Shameless site plug for my fan fic site, it's private 18+ only due to content but if your interested in checking it out send me an email at Revello1620@yahoo.com***




Life passes in the blink of the eye but death lasts forever, Buffy thought with a bitter laugh stunned by where she had found herself. She could see by the shocked lines of Angel’s face that he had been expecting something other than a laugh, perhaps an avowal of her unquenchable desire for him or possibly shocked outrage but she wasn’t about to give him either. She was damaged but he was one fucked up puppy, she thought while her short hellish trip through his macabre mind started to fade. “You give great bite, yummy even,” she said rubbing her flat stomach for effect. “It was even full of fun facts to know and share but you still don’t mean a damn thing to me.”

“It had to mean more than that Buffy, I felt his claim on you snap.” Angel said grabbing her arm angrily. “That is impossible so it had to mean something…the way we feel for each other…”

“Do you really think I was thinking about you?” Buffy said letting him hold her arm, knowing he had expected her to pull away. “I was in your mind but all I could think about was him. I love him violently so is it any wonder that my anger towards him would be just as powerful?”

“It wasn’t him that you were devouring it was me!” Angel told her coldly, pulling his hand away as if she disgusted him.

She gave him a smile, a smile she had learned from his memories…the same smile Angelus wore when he went in for the kill. He may have never seen that look in any mirror but she knew when he stepped away that it was as familiar to him as his name. “Your nothing but a body to me Angel, how many times do I gotta tell you that before it finally sinks into your brain? I‘m not your girl, never gonna be either but if you would just open your, eyes you would know who was.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ve just seen the world through your eyes, not just ancient history but your present. Since I don’t believe in feeling all sorry for myself and broody, I could see things clearly. Things that you will never understand if you keep going through life with blinders on, things that could make me hate you.”

“What could you have seen that would make you hate me?” Angel screamed at her, feeling as if he was nothing but a bug being crushed beneath her heel. “What have I done that was so wrong, so unforgivable? I may have bitten you against your will but I sure as hell didn’t force you to wrap your lips around me and take me inside you so deeply in a way that he hasn’t.”

She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and jerked him forward until his face was within two inches of her own. “I knew what it was like to not be alone, to be loved and then I let you take it away from me. I didn’t have to bite you and I was weak but I can live with that. I’ve been weak before but for you that is weakness is a part of your pathetic life. Everything that I have ever wanted is right there waiting for you to have enough balls to grab for it and you don’t even try!”

She shoved him back, unable to bear being close to him for another moment. He tumbled down the floor, landing on his ass a few feet away. “I wanted it enough to die and to live and the pain of losing it is a long never-ending scream inside my mind but atleast I had the guts to take what I wanted. You’re like two sides of a coin, Angel and Angelus, good and evil but nothing in life is that simple, that cut and dried. Sinners can find redemption if they bend at the knee and promise to change and you believe that with all your empty heart but in your mind, saints can’t get laid without being dammed forever. I saw the way you were with Cordelia when I walked in and it wasn’t a friend just comforting a friend. You wanted her, the way a man wants a woman but in your narrow little world, you equate love with evil. Loving someone isn’t evil and it sure as fuck isn’t a sin and if you would open your damn eyes you would see that.”

Unable to stand the sight of him, even for a moment longer she adverted her gaze and marched to the stairs. She paused at the first step but she didn’t turn back around. “If you come near me or Spike again…I’ll kill you Angel. I think it’s funny that you have abandoned everything you think belonged to Angelus but you still get off torturing Spike with the same sadistic delight. He tortured you, big deal, Faith sent your ass to hell but I don’t see you running to Sunnydale trying to steal her away from Riley. In this room you told me that you couldn’t have a night of no strings sex but the second I told you I was his, you suddenly decided I was good enough to wrestle with in the kitchen. I don’t know what’s going to happen between me and Spike but either way, you do a single thing to him and I will dust your ass before the next dawn.”

“Does he really mean that much to you or is a soulless killer worth becoming a murder for, in your own narrow minded world?” Angel taunted cruelly, getting back to his feet.

“Murder applies only to humans Angel and you’re not human.” She said slowing beginning her way up the steps.

“News flash sweetheart, neither are you.”

“I know how to love, that makes me human…you’re just an animal. A common cow, stuck in the pasture, waiting for the slaughter without a single fence holding you in place.” She said coldly, without the slightest bit of remorse. “Remember that the next time you crawl into bed and stroke yourself because you don’t have a willing warm body next to you to sink inside.”

Her words faded as she made her way to the top step and Angel couldn’t think of a single way to deny what she had told him. Confused yet still angry, he walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed the cup. Flinging it against the wall, the cheap china shattered it a loud crash, sending chunks of porcelain to the floor and dark, nearly black blood onto everything within a two foot radius.

She heard the sound but not once did she hesitate as she made her way back to the office. To her surprise Faith was sitting there nervously waiting for her. Her small hand twisting around each other like writhing snakes and even though she was seated, her feet were not still.

Seeing Buffy, Faith got to her feet and walked over to her. “Did everything go alright down there?”

“Couldn’t have gone better,” Buffy lied with a deceptively genuine smile. “Lets go get my stuff and go home.”
“I thought we we’re going to stay the night?” Faith asked skeptically following her over to the door.

“Why should we stay where we are if we have someone waiting for us there?” Buffy said pulling out the keys and praying with all of her heart that it was true. ‘Please let Spike be waiting for me…don’t let this all be just another lie…a doomed hope crushed by the reality of a dark brunette with narrowed eyes and a soft girlish voice. Please don’t let it be true that he loves her,’ Buffy silently whispered to whoever might be listening.





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